Lifetime Membership - Go Fund Me

HI, so I would like to ask for your patience with me as I struggle through this entry, for many reasons. For starters I am in a bit of pain this morning and have not had much sleep, damn hip. Also I have difficulty asking for help. Those of you who have followed and read my blog have seen me discuss this issue before, I am not good at receiving help and being vulnerable however once again, here I am. I am going to be asking for help in a way I really am uncomfortable with but all signs lead to it so I figure I need to get over myself and push through and do it! So I am here asking for help, I will give you details of what I am in need of after a summary of what is going on for those who may not know what I am facing. So approximately ten years ago now I started working on my health, specifically my weight. After working strictly on diet , educating myself and exercise I lost somewhere between 150 - 200 lbs. It took around six or seven years to get that far on my own, without any surgery. I had so much loose skin it was preventing me from moving forward with exercise and really was impeding my life in other ways. I went through a consultation and ended up having the loose skin removed even though I was not finished loosing weight.

After that surgery I slowly got back into the swing of things, but began a different journey of dealing with insurance and ultimately a law suit. I will spare the details but it went on for three years and the last year of it was me dealing with lawyers, court and legal stuff WAY beyond me……….. All I wanted was a accurate bill! Needless to say it never happened, I was sued and then advised to file bankruptcy. I got second opinion as I did not want to do that, however second lawyer also advised me to file bankruptcy. So I did. While dealing with this I start to have some hip pain. A year ago I went to see my Doctor and we tried to deal with my hip. I did physical therapy for a few months, it seemed to help but then seemed to make it worse. I am now struggling with my regular work out routine because of the pain too. This hip issue ends up sending me to a specialist for a consult and he took one look at my xrays and pointed out where my hip is bone on bone and going to have to be replaced. However, he then turns to me and says he will not do the surgery until I get more weight off. He proceeds to ask me about weight loss surgery. Long story short (see previous entries for more details) I start the process of preparing for weight loss surgery so I can get more weight off and in a more timely (faster) way then I have previously. We are getting closer now to where I need your help. As a part of this weight loss surgical centers program they require every patient join a lifetime membership to their aftercare program. This program includes support groups , access to dieticians and nutritionist, mentoring program and the Doctors, FOR LIFE.

This I appreciate as I have learned on my journey it is more emotional then one could ever imagine and if you are not emotionally prepared it won’t work, so I get it and like I said appreciate that this is a part of the program. All that being said…… I can not schedule my surgery until this is paid for, and it is not covered by insurance. This program cost $2500.00 You can now see where I need help….. Although honestly there is more so I am going to put it all out there and again remind people to just do as they can and/or feel led. It may be you can offer me a ride to or from surgery but no financial support, great. Perhaps you can help with a errand or two while I am recovering but can not offer financial support great…. PLEASE no obligation help where you can. I am going to let you know I tried applying for a care credit (medical credit card) and was turned down for the obvious reasons related to what I mentioned earlier with the lawsuit. Also due to that bankruptcy I am not really eligible for a credit card and do not have one that will cover the cost. I also have a share off cost or yearly out of pocket cost of $1500.00. I am not as worried about that as it will likely be billed over time but this “membership” can not be paid over time, so I have to raise it. I am going to attach a link to a “Go fund Me” page, If you can help great and if you can not that is understandable and like I said maybe there is something else you can do. I will also list something I may need help with that is not financial. I am also open to anyone who may be able to do a loan, with interest. I just do not want to put off this surgery any longer. SO my needs are: $2500.00 membership to aftercare weight loss program (Can’t have surgery until I have this) $1500.00 out of pocket (likely spread out over time and should be fine) Rides to and from Errands Company/Visitors I am looking for a bed frame for a full size bed, just that metal thing. My bed is currently on the floor, thinking it might be easier to get in and out of if it is higher (If I or anyone I know wins the lotto I would love a adjustable bed! ) I am sure there are other things but I have the most important ones listed. Thanks for even taking the time to read this, if you know anyone who might be interested in the story, please pass it along. Also please share the blog with anyone you know who may have similar issues and might benefit from it. I do have entries that go into much more detail about all these issues, I was just trying to summarize here. Thanks Again , Kathryn

Cut & Paste this link https://www.gofundme.com/big-blog

Busy Start 2016

Hello again…….. So this year is off to a quick jump start ! Several new, exciting and also scary beginnings! It has been a busy couple of weeks already, many appointments, momentary lapse into fear , quickly turned around to HOPE with some mental and emotional calisthenics. So in order to get the surgical thumbs up there are all these appointments and test you have to complete. I have slowly been chipping away at these, leaving the “big” one for last, which is part of what the last couple weeks has been about! Let me start from the beginning of this list…… Please keep in mind I have never been good at taking test! So learning of this list was the first flash of fear. It is also important to keep in mind, upon first meeting these professionals, none know anything of my journey thus far. They have their first “visual” impression , preconceived idea and a referral. Most professionals are caught off guard as the begin asking questions of me and gathering information because I do not really fit into any traditional group of patients they have seen. Not many go in with several years already under their belt and a large weight loss already completed despite how far I have to go. So it is always frustrating to start for me because I have to wade through the preconceived impressions and then explain and prove my history with photos and medical history. For whatever reason they do not just accept my word that I am a Medical Unicorn! COL OK back to the appointments and test…… All that being said as I get the run down of the list I must attend to , slowly I start to regain my confidence. First I must meet with a psychologist/Therapist, at least once, they tell me, depending on their recommendation after the initial meeting (I think, I tend to hear about 50% when nervous/anxious) .

So I attend this appointment and after 5 minutes we are talking about our favorite protein bars and where to get them at the best price as if we have known each other for years. Approximately 20 minutes into the appointment she stops and catches herself saying…. “OH! There are some questions I am suppose to be asking you I guess we should do that!” and she laughs and we get back on track. By the end of it she wishes me well and tells me how excited she is about my journey as she is completely confident I am ready and able to tackle the journey that lies ahead. This was a nice affirming and pleasant appointment! First appointment done, on to the next………… Next……… the Nutritionist/Dietician.

So I show up for this appointment and again ….the same initial disbelief! She ask me some questions, I am able to intelligently, and correctly describe a healthy balanced diet, including facts, calories and reasoning behind everything. She starts to get a slight glazed look on her face quickly followed by a smile. She continues to ask me more questions , this time more personal and specific about what I have recently ate and types of things I eat in a typically week. I answer and she begins beam…. With a huge smile she says to me, “You know what you are doing, I am not sure what I can do for you? How can I best help you because you already know and get what I would normally work on with you!” . Little did she know simply her acknowledgement and support was the most important thing she could give me. We discussed a few more things and again I leave the appointment validated and excited as I check off another appointment . Nest…………. Blood work Blood test is one test I do not usually fear, once because I am healthy and two because I have good veins and it mostly goes very smoothly without any issues. Fasting the night before I show up to give some blood to be tested for probably everything , who knows, I am not worrying about it! As the phlebotomist begins she is happy to see my healthy easily accessible vein and she connects quickly and without issue. I begin to feel a little discomfort which I do not usually when giving blood, so I look and realize it is simply because she is one the fifth vial of blood and she is not done yet! Well I don’t think I have ever had more then 2 or 3 vials at a time taken so this was a lot! Regardless I make it through with nothing to report really other then some skin irritation where the tape was holding the cotton swab in place when she finished. So…….. I am thinking…. So far , so good! All positive experiences thus far! Next…………. The Cardiologist……..GULP! (insert some anxiety/fear) Deep breath I tell myself in anticipation for this appointment. I get there the nurse doing the EKG (I think that is the test… heart monitor) is great, she was very kind and calm, which helps in calming me down. So I get hooked up and I try to focus on relaxing because I am sure my anxiety is going to affect my test. (FYI… the only time my blood pressure is even slightly high is when I am doing appointments with new medical professionals (obvious previous listed reasons) … I swear every other time… perfect) The Doctor comes in , and the chill he brings with him, and he reviews my test and says he wants me to do more test….. Damn It! I hate test! Relapse into fear and anxiety! So he begins to , I think, explain the test he wants me to do and why…………… I hear this……… “2 days, nuclear, stress, Injections, heart flow, radioactive, no caffeine or medication 24 hrs prior, fasting, blah blah ……. Naturally the fear creeps back in…………………. ENTER Mental and Emotional calisthenics ! I begin to talk myself off the proverbial cliff . I remind myself that I in fact have a huge heart and it is the strongest muscle I have because I use it all the time!

Now I know those of you whom are logical and/or literal are thinking… “Um, that’s not how it works” ………… give me some credit, I get it... but as I am “coaching” myself to remain calm it helps me to remind myself I am OK no matter what. I also do believe it can in fact help us to be healthier if we act healthier…. Don’t forget I am a Medical Unicorn! So I show up for day one of the test and let me preface this …. Those of you not living in Chico, The hospital over the past few years has completed been redone and I have not been there since any of these changes have happened……… only adding anxiety because I have no idea what to expect or where to go. I arrive and end up making a few circles around the hospital because I can not find anywhere to park…… I see a sign for valet parking and know that I have no cash so now what…. I go to drive through not stop to have them park and the guy stops me. I ask him how this works… he says first of all it is free……. (internal voice says , see it will be ok, and Thank you) So I Thank him and head to my appointment….. Fast forward through approximately six more hospital staff, all of whom were very kind and helpful….. I mention this because each encounter helps to calm me down and lessen my fear. I get inside and begin……… as I access my deep breathing and mental reminder that I am strong and healthy, I start the process with several staff who quickly become friends, asking me questions and interested and intrigued by my story…. Congratulation me on my success thus far and telling me how they are excited for me…… WOW ! I was so taken back by their encouragement and support I think I forgot why I was thee and for sure forgot I was ever anxious or afraid. YEAH KINDNESS! So I make it through several stages and three hours of procedures of day one of cardiac testing.

DAY TWO……… More of the same….. Fewer people involved and fewer test, so I am in and out in only two hours. I want to mention on this day something I may do another whole entry on later but just want to say….. There was a X-ray tech whom was hands down the kindest most respectful medical professional I have dealt with EVER…. Mainly because he Never once treated me differently or uncomfortably. I will have to share more later, but it always shocks me how uncomfortable medical people are with fat people….. Anyway……… this has been a week….. On top of all this, I have a few other personal things going on, some coming to a head after a few years and thankfully the end is in sight….Some cool new things too! I think I have earned a massage!

So You can see how this year has started off with a bang and thus I am extremely excited to see what else this year has in store. It can only be good! I am Hopeful

Welcome 2016.... Bottom Line......

Happy New year everyone, Again it has been some time since I have written and I apologize as a lot has been going on so I will attempt to give you a short summary and then fill you in on what is coming. I am going to try to do at least a monthly update as I believe this is going to be a big year for me so feel free to ask me about it when I slack off! Your accountability helps and motivates me, so don’t hold back. O.K. so the last few months I have learned a couple things about myself…….

The main thing is that when deprived of sleep on a consistent basis due to pain I become cranky. When I am cranky it makes it more challenging to be positive. I do not like being cranky, nor do I like being sleep deprived or in constant pain. I am pretty sure the last couple months I have failed miserably at hiding my crankiness, unlike in the past when my lack of sleep and pain is more sporadic. Perhaps now would be a good time to apologize to anyone I may have offended or even annoyed with my crankiness. I am sorry and sincerely hope no one has personalized my behavior, it is not you I promise, it is all me….. It is lack of sleep and pain and frustration, so please forgive me and also feel free to call me out if you see said crankiness showing. I do not like this about myself, while I understand it and have a new understanding and sympathy for those living with constant pain, I still do not like how I let it affect me.

Just know I am working on it. After all I am alive and able to feel pain, that is a blessing. I am able to care for myself and work , and that is a blessing. I have awesome family and friends who put up with me and love me despite my crankiness and that too is a huge blessing. I am Blessed! Another thing that has been reconfirmed for me is my love for working out and how much it impacts my overall state of being. I have not been able to work out due to the hip pain, I tried and tired but it just was not going to happen so I have had to stop working out and it has been so hard. For me Aqua aerobics is therapeutic. Not only do I feel better physically when I am exercising on a regular basis, but I also realized it is a debriefing or releasing time for me of all the negativity that I deal with on a daily basis at work and just in life in general. It is as if when I enter the water and work out when I leave all the woes , worries, and stresses behind in the water. I knew I enjoyed working out but I realize it is a part of who I am and I need it, so not being able to do it has also impacted my crankiness! I look forward to getting back into the water ASAP. Which leads me to the upcoming year…….

So as many of you know and I mentioned in previous entries, I have a couple surgeries coming up. I am hoping to get the first done as soon as possible. I have only a couple more steps to complete before I can schedule it and one will be done this week. This first one is the weight loss surgery so that I can more quickly get more weight off so I can do the hip surgery. I have one more appointment this week then I have to raise $2500 for their lifetime program membership. It is a great program, and I believe in what they are doing however I can not schedule my surgery until that $2500 is paid and that will take time to get together. I am working on ideas and crossing my fingers for a big tax return. That being said if anyone has any ideas let me know, I am open and considering everything from yard sales to recycling! LOL Once I have that money I can get on the surgeons schedule. I will let you know as time goes on how things progress. After that I will be looking at the hip surgery, but I will tell you more about that as it gets closer. Getting these done gives me HOPE. I am making HOPE one of my words for the year. I believe in Hope. It keeps us going. I look forward to hiking, and bike riding and many adventures that at this point are out of reach for me but not out of reach forever! I also like the word Hope as I recently saw a image that said HOPE, Hang On Pain Ends

So …. Now you are all caught up and have a peek at what is coming. Please feel free to ask me questions and leave feedback, it truly encourages me to keep sharing. Thanks everyone….. With great love and appreciation know I am BLESSED and in part because of you!

In the Arena

HI, so it has been a while since I have written, which I am learning I can contribute in part to my fear of being vulnerable or in other words being Judged or Rejected. It certainly is not because I have nothing to say or have had no new developments, it is fear. So much thought, time and energy has gone into this topic this week and hence here I am. The short version for those of you skimming this………… I AM ENOUGH !

I had several opportunities this week to be vulnerable and there were moments I allowed myself to do just that and others when I held back and sat in the fear of “going there”. So having a week full of these opportunities provided me the chance to not only observe my behavior but to compare my thoughts and feelings in both situations. What I KNOW to be true is a couple things, First many of you may be glad to know (as I was) that you will not die if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. To this day NO one has ever died from being vulnerable. I also learned that the very thing we all desire, connection, only happens in a genuine way when we are vulnerable. I also experienced something very interesting, when I made the choice to be vulnerable and put the fear behind me, not only did I feel more connected but it also freed me up to feel and experience Joy. Yup Joy… Joy of connection, Joy of being seen, Joy of feeling courageous by being vulnerable………. And JOY is what I seek.

So if all this is true, the more vulnerable I allow myself to be does it follow the greater my Joy will be? I believe so, and I look forward to proving this truth to be so.

I also have observed that being vulnerable is not required of me in every situation , with every person. It is imperative we are careful when and where we show our vulnerability. Not everyone is ready or able to hold a safe place for me to be vulnerable, so I do have to be aware and choose when and where and with whom I am vulnerable. However I also can not use that as a excuse NOT to share with those whom are able and wiling to hold a safe place for me to be vulnerable. So I am working on this issue as it continues to come up for me, so just be aware that if or when you ask me how I am …. I just might tell you. IF you ask if I need help………. I just might need you. In return if I ask you either of these things please know I mean it and am willing to hold a safe place for you to be vulnerable and you do not have to give me a polite answer, I want to connect. Teddy Roosevelt said it best…… I will leave you with his quote below, but just know….. I am jumping in the arena.

Treadmill of Life, in the rain?

Have you ever felt like you were on a treadmill in life? Now I know that seems like a positive thing, right? Well sure if you are talking about exercise….. But not so much if you are talking about life progress! Perhaps I am a slow learner, as I currently feel as though I am on this treadmill working out, moving, being active, however getting nowhere. Now I know this in not the truth, but it is how I feel. So currently I am still dealing with the court/legal stuff hoping it should be coming to some sort of end here soon, but it still lingers like a gray cloud over head…… Just rain already!

Rain is not bad, but it “IS”. It is not ambiguous it is something that can be faced, dealt with, even appreciated. Rain is nurturing to the earth and we actually really need it right now…. As do I . I just need to move forward and have this legal stuff done, so I welcome the “rain” so I can learn, grow and move on to the next lesson. I know I will and am stronger because of it, but alas…….. Let it rain! So as this storm (Court) slowly passes other parts of the journey step forward. I find it interesting how connected all the steps of this journey are to one another yet bring their own lessons, blessings and challenges.

So this week I had my consultation with the Bariatric Surgeon, as recommended by the hip surgeon. (Oy Vey) So as mentioned in a previous entry this recommendation was a blow to my ego, which I fairly quickly had to get over because it is ridiculous to have the view point. I had to separate my accomplishments thus far with my current situation. All the hard work I have put in is not lessened by the current situation of possibly needing to have surgery. Who knew my ego was so fragile. It was a good lesson for me that everyone attaches their self worth to silly things, including myself. Somehow a part of me felt worthy or valued because of the hard work and success I had put in on my health without any surgery? That is ridiculous….

I can hear myself telling the hundreds of people I have come in contact with over the years “You are worthy and valuable, because you are” . So to honor my own words and practice what I preach I recognize my worth and value and refuse to attach any accomplishment to it. It just is! YEAH! So now I can step forward to the next part of the journey….. Meet with the surgeon.

So I had decided I was gong with a open mind and positive attitude despite my internal struggles with this whole idea of weight loss surgery after all these years because I now remember it is no reflection of my worth and/or value, nor does it take away from what I have done. So I go to the appointment and immediately hit it off with the girls at the front desk, then the nurse who comes to get me…. We are chatting, laughing having a nice conversation. I share some of my journey and how I ended up in their office, which leads me to sharing my before pictures. Well the reaction that followed was so unexpected. These people I just met and whom do not know me at all were so kind and compassionate I was floored. One woman just looked and then looked up at me and said “You are going to make me cry” …… HUH? I instantly knew I was in the right place. This woman and her coworkers were filled with compassion and kindness. They did not judge me as others , including medical professionals, have in the past. They saw me, my struggle, my journey, my success and failure all in one moment with a glance at a picture. I could also sense they were excited, genuinely excited, to be a part of my journey moving forward. One of them even said, well you are a part of our family now! WOW, that feels great.

All of this before I even get to the Doctor. Then I meet the doctor who was as equally supportive and encouraging as his staff. This man has the most sincere, gentle, kind smile ever seen. I knew when he told me something he was not just going through the motions or delivering me his spiel, he cares. For those of you whom have followed this blog from the beginning know that this is a very different experience for me. In short for those who don’t know…. The majority of the medical professionals I have encountered have been judgmental and at times out right rude and mean, needless to say, this was a welcomed experience with this doctor and his staff. Anyway, so the appointment went well. I discovered there are multiple people in my life who know this man and that it is likely we have been in the same place at the same time many times before…. Small world. So I am feeling much relief and even encouragement about this next step ….. Physically. Some of the other components of it….. Not so much. In short… Mostly the financial part is causing me great anxiety, but I will save that for another entry as I want to leave this on a positive note. I am grateful for this journey and how everything falls into place despite my unconscious efforts to get in my own way! LOL

One Step at a Time

Well….. My mind is swirling (again) with so many thoughts, questions, worries and confusion. I will try to put some order to my thoughts, be patient! So I attended a informational workshop about bariatric surgery. It covered everything from insurance to the three different surgery options with the pros and cons of each, they had a check list that seemed a mile long of things required to do prior to the surgery, phone numbers, contacts, BMI’s, recovery, cost, AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I must admit I definitely faded in and out “consciousness” . O.K., O.K. so not really, but you know what I mean, that feeling of being overwhelmed and suddenly everything becomes background noise to the thoughts in your head and you really do not hear anything. This is exactly why I had to take a friend with me….. So someone a little more sane could pay attention and then later explain things to me that I missed while having my out of body experience! Despite feeling overwhelmed I will say once the Doctor came and started talking about the actual surgical options I oddly felt a little (stressing… LITTLE) more at ease. I attribute that to him, this Doctor had such a genuine kindness about him and what appeared to be a sincere concern about peoples health AND peoples right to choose, which I appreciated. As I listened to the choices and how this program worked I began to become very impressed as I was hearing things I had not heard before from others who have done bariatric surgery or other programs I knew of…. Hmmmm. After listening to all the information the most significant thing that stood out to me was this is a total program and not just a procedure or surgery. There is a dietician, counselor, support groups, educational components, access to TWO surgeons and a financial consultant. This program includes a pre-surgery portion as well as a large post-surgery portion and actually a lifetime access to services too. They require you meet with their team, one of the Doctors, the dietician, counselor, financial person etc…… This is amazing to me, I fully support this type of program as I have seen far too many people do surgery like this and not address the issues, how they got here, the life style before and after, what to expect after, dangers of not taking care of yourself properly and more. I have also seen people put the weight back on, or have other medical issues as a result of not following doctors orders.

So while I appreciate and respect a full program like this, these requirements are not all covered by insurance so my mind starts to swirl again….. First I am thinking is it inappropriate to have a bake sale to raise money for a weight loss surgery? Then unfortunately I go right to the current status of my court case and the agony and stress endured over the past few years dealing with those medical bills from the last surgery and still dealing with it over three years now…. OH MY…. I do not think I can do that again….. Then I remind myself they have a financial person to help with the insurance and make sure there are no hidden cost and everything is known up front….. I really appreciate that but I do know for sure I am facing a share of cost….. Or perhaps I change my insurance package and have little or no share of cost? IF I switch plans do I have to wait? If I have to wait, can I physically afford to put off this surgery knowing I am doing it so I can take care of my hip surgery? How long will my hip last before I can‘t wait any longer? …..

Oh and there is that part of the program not covered by insurance and they require you participate in it and have it paid for prior to scheduling the surgery… it is $2500.00. Uh oh…… getting overwhelmed again……. BREATHE….. In …. Out ….. In … Out….. I step at a time….. I can not continue being overwhelmed, it makes me sad and frustrated, so I need to focus and take one step at a time or I may not get through this…. So after I give myself a pep talk I try to put all this information a side and just schedule that first appointment with the Doctor for a consultation. So that is what I did and that is now my focus and next step!

High-ho high-ho it's off to court I go

Well….. What a week! So much happened this week I am not even sure where to begin, so I think I will start with Monday and see how far I get before I bore myself! I may have to break it up into a couple entries. Here I go…………… Monday I went to Yuba City Superior Court. Yup court. So many of you may not know this as it is not something I care to talk about ,let alone think about ,but I am realizing it is a part of this journey and right now a big part that is affecting me, my state of mind and my decision making process, so let me explain. Almost three years ago I had a Panniculectomy (loose skin removal) at Rideout Hospital in Marysville . Well for nearly two years I went back and forth with the hospital over the bill they sent me. It is a long story but bottom line is I disagreed with the charges, asked for a review, they did one then gave the approximately $3500 credit directly to the insurance company and made no adjustment to my bill….. I was confused by this and asked for a explanation. No response. I asked and asked, spoke to people wrote letters , never any response or explanation. I never was even provide any information regarding what they actually adjusted. So two years of this… them calling and sending bills, me calling and writing letters, until finally it gets turned over to the collection agency so I continue the battle with them…….. Fast forward to a year ago and I get a knock on my door, it is a gentleman asking if I am Kathryn, and he serves me court papers. YUP …. I had been served! Now for those of you who do not know me very well I have ZERO experience with anything legal other then a traffic ticket! So needless to say I am confused by all the paperwork with all the legal mumbojumbo but what I do see is one line that basically says you have 30 days to respond to this in a formal proper legal way. What does that mean….? I start to panic…. I try to figure it out, ask people if they know what it means. I try to research what they are asking me to submit, cant find anything. I ask CLIC our community legal information center, still nothing, no help. I call the other two legal help centers in town and nothing, they don’t deal with these types of cases. Finally someone (Ken) mentions to me the Employee Assistance Program has legal aid, so I contact them. So fast forward some more….

I contact a lawyer, have to borrow money to retain this lawyer even with my EAP discount and she assures me she can help take care of it all the way through to the end making sure I get the documentation I need to show the case is done … You know for future reference if ever needed. WOW I am so relieved….. Until I am not! So the Lawyer now takes over trying to contact and negotiate with the collection agency, making no progress. We had asked for a copy of the reviewed charges and the reimbursement, but no response. So they continue to email and call never getting any response from the lawyer for the collection agency working on behalf of the hospital. So this goes on for months and now a court date is comeing up and I find out from the lawyer I paid that they will not go to court for me and I only paid/retained them to negotiate with the debt collectors!?!? HUH???? Again… I know nothing about all this sort of thing all I know is what I was told…. “We can take care of this” So through all this I am trying to apply for loans in case we come to a agreement on the debt and they provide the information thus showing what I am paying for and how much. So the loan search is no very productive, so more stress and frustration. I am told I can open some credit cards…. But no loan, at least not a loan for the amount I am needing. SO I continue to work on this while the lawyer works on the collection agency. Neither of us getting anywhere…………….

SO as you can see this continues… I go to court for the first “case management hearing” only to find out I did not really need to be there….. The post pone the whole thing. I skip the next hearing as I was told I have nothing to respond to until they provide me the information requested, at that hearing apparently a different judge wanted me there and since I wasn’t they postponed it again…. Even though the lawyer for the collection agency/hospital admitted to the court both time that it is his client that is not cooperating with him and providing the requested information. WOW really????? So this last Monday was the next hearing, so I definitely show up this time and this time I am armed with a synopsis from my lawyer of what has been going on the last year and all they have done in attempt to resolve this with no response from the other side. So I work really hard not to worry, as it seems like a no brainer. So my name gets called I have all my paperwork prepared including a letter from the lawyer, I approach and am quickly attacked, scolded, humiliated and in general just embarrassed in the court room by the judge. He will not listen to anything I have to say. He cuts me off every time I try to say anything. He asked me “Who are you?” I explain, he says “Where is your lawyer?” I try to explain the situation and he cuts me off.

I offer the synopsis from the lawyer he does not even acknowledge me or what I am saying and he talks to the other lawyer who is on a conference call (not even in court room he is on the phone) AGAIN the lawyer admits it is his client that is the problem holding it all up….. The judge ask a few things I try to give him some information about this three year long drama I have been dealing with he keeps cutting me off and final just yells “What do you want?” I try to explain briefly again I want an explanation prior to settling and he again cuts me off and angrily and loudly says “What do you want me to do?” and respond with “Dismiss this case, it has gone on for three years” , the other lawyer says “That is not proper” …………………. Next thing I hear is the judge saying postponed 60 days! WHAT? AGAIN? Then as I am leaving the Judge says to me “You need to have your lawyers communicate better” I turn and say, My lawyer has been communicating with the other attorney for over a year he is not responding…… Then the Judge throws out the last word…. “Well they need to communicate with the court too” SERIOUSLY???? I feel like I was not only sent to the principal’s office but punched in the gut too. I had gone into this day a little nervous but with high hopes of resolution of some kind. I was optimistic keeping as positive as possible under the circumstances………. Only to have the anvil dropped on my head. So this was like a nuclear attack on my attitude and outlook. How do I recover from three years of this? How do I even consider any future medical procedures with this looming? Is it even wise to move forward with anything considering this is still unresolved? So you see why my mind swirls with what if’s and should of’s as well as the variety of possibilities for outcomes. Needless to say it made this week challenging, not sleeping much, worried, stressed, exhausted, frustrated, angry, sad ……… “E” = All Of The Above! That was Monday! (Thankfully I never live in the dark side very long)

Here We Go Again......

OK , I am going to start by letting you all know this will be a scattered entry as this is my fourth attempt to start and I just have no idea how to start and which direction to go, so buckle up it should be a interesting ride. Before I get to the (my) heart of the matter let me say I know the past year or more there has not been consistent entries in this blog mostly because after the surgery to remove the loose skin things leveled out and were much smoother so I guess I did not have much to say. Well that being said I now find myself in a whole new situation that has placed me back on the roller coaster, of which I am not fond of or excited about, so I am thinking I may be writing more often…. IF there is still an interest. SO please if you are reading this either leave a comment (you can do it anonymously so you don’t have to sign up) or at least give me a “like” on the book of face so I know someone is reading, otherwise I will just go get a pretty journal! Thanks in advance. SO …. Some of you may have seen my ambiguous entry that really read like a rant of anger and self pity more then anything else , regardless in retrospect I realized I said nothing about what was causing all that emotional chaos, so I will explain myself and let you in on what is currently going on and some of the emotional issues I am revisiting and those I am encountering for the first time too.

To start , on the surface is a load of embarrassment and shame. Why you ask…. Well, despite my complete and total bill of health (yup I am a medical unicorn) I have been dealing with one thing, some hip/joint pain. Since I am blessed and grateful I have no medical issues like diabetes, high cholesterol or blood pressure issues, I figured a little hitch in my giddy up is nothing and I will deal with it……… and so I have been. I have been working with a physical therapist, whom I love and is amazing but we only got so far before it just wasn’t getting any better. So next my P.T. decides we need to get a x-ray just to rule out some things and see what exactly we are dealing with…. Hmmm….. OK. So we get the x-rays and then next thing I know I am getting a call from this Doctors office whom I have never heard of…. Hmmm… so I look up this Doctor and see he is a Hip replacement surgeon…. WHAT?!?!?!?! So now I am a little concerned but then remember my primary care physician mentioned a cortisone shot for the pain, that must be it. So I call and ask and they tell me I was referred just for a consultation, oh ok no big deal. So I go to the appointment and that is where my world quickly came falling down around me. (I know I am being dramatic, but in that moment it felt that way) So as this very nice Doctor begins to look at my x-rays and explaining to me what he sees my anxiety begins to quickly rise….. I could feel where this is going…. And then he just says it “A hip replacement is in your future that is for sure…… however…..” OH great a “However” what could he follow up that information with …. Then he says something that literally was the last thing I expected to hear, he says “Have you considered weight loss surgery?” ……. What jgioreuhcds jiscjin cdisjznj dcijvov isojavn !!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY….. I was so blindsided I really did not know what to think…… I told him my story of nearly 200lbs. Lost over the past 5-6 years, I pull out a before picture (always prepared for Doctors who don’t believe me!) He goes on… he acknowledges my effort , tells me all sorts of great things then goes back to the surgery… he explains that he is not going to do hip replacement surgery on me with my BMI being what it is and I need to loose more weight. Then he goes n and says there is this workshop I can go to just to get information…. It was about then I think my mind left my body because I didn’t’ hear much after that…… My mind began swirling with all sorts of thoughts….. And then the feelings fell quickly into line of course…. After all this hard work and the life style changes how do I end up right where I started??? Am I really that big of a failure? I didn’t work hard enough! This is a epic fail to have to get surgery after fighting so hard NOT to do the surgery.

This is BIG DECISION… So I try to get back into my body and listen to the doctor as I do feel like he has my best interest in mind. I hear him out and get information on the weekly information workshop on the bariatric surgery, he even gets me connected to the woman in charge of the program. So again I try to listen to her but I am reeling….. So I hang in there, then leave and head home….. Feeling totally overwhelmed now with this information of not one but at least two surgeries likely to be in my future , I look around for some place to unload (the emotional garbage) and only see my couch….. Enter a whole new set of feelings…… UGH!

SO………. This is the what I am facing, all the while living on Alieve for the constant daily pain. With all this happening as I mentioned earlier I am seeing a whole new chapter / phase to my journey and will have much to write about, so again let me know if it is worth sharing…. I am going to end this one here for now …. I just wanted to fill in those of you whom may have been wondering what the heck sent me on that last rant. I will let you know what I find out, this is the very beginning stages and I have barely begun even researching any of this stuff, but alas I will, so more to come.

Thanks ….. I am ending this with a saying I saw that I believe was sent through divine intervention, because the timing was perfect.

FEELINGS....... BOO HISS

OK………. Warning, what your about to read is neither positive nor inspiring. It is raw feelings from the moment. I can not even guarantee it will make any sense. I am just feeling the need to “get it out”, so here I go…………… I am so mad at myself right now, so disappointed and frustrated that I can hardly stand myself. Then as I sit in my anger it only takes a few moments before I just become sad or more accurately scared. THEN…. Taking a deep breathe I realize, NO I am actually Mad, Sad and Scared all at once, greeeeeeeaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!

I am Mad at myself for numerous reasons…..

I am Sad that I am feeling lost and alone with decisions / choices to face where none appear good options….

I am Scared at what may come… the unknown has never been something I am good with…… So what do I do with all this…. Oh I know turn to my couch and tell it how I am feeling, yes that will make things better. And Why is it as soon as you open the door to even the slightest negativity, before you know it, the door is busted open with all the rest of the struggles you have been managing from day to day, but now in this moment, you are quickly reminded of so that you can add being overwhelmed to the list of fun feelings you are experiencing…. WOW such delight. None of this is probably near as awful as it feels but that little fact doesn’t matter when your feeling it. It is sort of like that saying “This too shall pass” …. Well sure it will, However while it is here…. It Sucks! It is amazing how easy it is to go to that “crazy” state of mind….. That circular thought process that just grows like a good whirlpool, getting bigger, crazier, building up speed …… Someone make it stop….. Toss me a life jacket….. Or better yet jump on in with me it is definitely a ride to remember! OK…. So that’s is it for now… Just felt the need to get that out of my head…. And let ya all know, Crazy loves crazy!