Balanced Web

REALLY? Ever wonder why we are such slow learners of life’s lessons? I do! (cuz I am) So recently I have been reminded that caring for oneself is more then any one single aspect of life but truly encompasses all aspects of life and should we neglect any one of them we may….. Well….. find ourselves face first down on the cement. So for several years now I have been pretty focused on my health, striving to become as healthy as possible. As you know if you have read the prior blogs you know along the way I have also taken a hard look at why I have done the things I have as well as paying attention to the feelings that arise through the process. So I believe I have actually given much time and energy to all aspects connected to my health in general, that being said I also believe, now, it has distracted me from some other aspects that perhaps I should have not neglected. Humor me (or more like be patient) for a minute while I try to explain an analogy that has come to me.

So we have all seen the complex, strong and complete web that seems unbreakable due to its perfect balance and completion. Then there are those webs we see that are fragile and broken at some point, you know the slightest wind may bring the whole thing down in a quick passing moment. Well I am learning that when I am too focused on one part, or even a few parts of life; i.e. health, and neglecting other aspects of life, I too am weakening my total life, growing fragile and vulnerable to collapsing under even the slightest wind.

So to prevent future incidents I will be working on ….. Wait for it….. wait……… BALANCE! So as I continue to forge ahead on this crazy journey I will be tenacious about finding that balance, tending to all parts of my life, knowing I can build a strong, complete and balanced web to live within! I will share more about the specific areas / issues in future entries. (Those of you who know me should appreciate the “web” analogy for many reasons!) I want to also just remind you all that as this sojourn continues I do appreciate any observations or insights you may have for me, I do firmly believe that accountability and community has been key to my success, so let me know if you observe or perceive me doing something out of balance. Thanks ahead of time! With great Appreciate and Love, Kathryn

RELAPSE

So I bet the title has you wondering….. It may not be what you think. I know when we see/hear the word relapse we tend to think of “falling” off whatever wagon has been our substance or distraction of choice, be it drugs, alcohol, food or even bad relationships. In my case I bet you are expecting to hear about a binge, major diet failure, or weight gain, well it is none of those things. For me (this time) I relapsed with fear.

While it was short lived it was still a very powerful moment for me in my awareness and insight as I forge on with this life. Let me share with you what brought about this realization that if I do not keep my fear in check it can and will take my life down a path I do not want to go. As some of you know I started back at the gym this month after being away from it for only two months. Now I say “only” because in relation to how long I have now been going to the gym, two months is a short amount of time in the complete span of things, however it apparently was long enough for my fear and anxiety to come back about being in the gym environment. So I was taking a break at work and walking out to my car to get my gym back so I could change and get ready for the gym after work…….. When I noticed that I was suddenly feeling very anxious. You know that uncomfortable feeling we all try to avoid……Why was I feeling anxious? What is this all about? Things at work have been a bit crazy but …… No, that’s not it…….Hmmmmm….. I have some bills I need to take care of, is it that? Hmmmmmm……It really came on rather suddenly so I was caught off guard. I walked back into work and I was going down the list of possibilities yet nothing seemed to ring true, huh? Since I could not figure it out I just tried to ignore it and get back to work. So the time came around for me to get changed for the gym and as I looked at my gym bag and went to reach for it ……. SMACK… It hit me…… I was anxious about going to the gym.

WHAT? This felt like the anxiety I had when I first was looking for a gym to join, or the time I had to leave my comfortable old ghetto gym and find a new one….. While it was a flash back (relapse) to an old feeling it was very real and very present yet again. It made me realize just how true the one day at a time saying truly is with any struggle. So the good news is I have again faced this fear and anxiety and I am slowly regaining my stride and finding my footing. The relapse while very real was overcome by the reminder of my previous strength and ability to face and conquer those fears. So onward I go, pressing forward, continuing the journey, including getting my butt back at the gym! So do not underestimate fears, and rest assured that even when we think we have overcome one it will rear it’s ugly head again and test you yet again…….. Be Strong! Kathryn

Changes ......

So the weirdness has begun! I mean that of course in only the best way. Life after the removal of thirty excess pounds of skin is very odd. Everyday I experience and / or observe something new, different and often strange. Some things that perhaps we never give any thought to are now daily in my awareness. Have you ever thought about how you stand at the sink in the kitchen? Or while you brush your teeth? When was the last time you thought about how you “move” in the world? How you stand, sit, walk? How much of what you do is “automatic” or habit? These are all things I am discovering at a rapid rate It seems silly but so much of what we do really takes no actual brain activity, as I am realizing I keep doing things that I don’t have to do any longer. One silly example is the whole bellybutton thing…..

So when do you clean out your belly button? Perhaps like me you do it as a part of your daily shower or bath routine, seems logical right….. Well what if you no longer have a belly button? It has been a couple months and I still find myself searching for my damn belly button to wash it out…. HELLO, it’s gone! (FYI- I took a break and showered before posting this and guess what?…… No really guess….That’s right even after having just written about it…. I went looking for my Bellybutton! Oy Vey!) There are several things that I do based on years of carrying that extra weight and bulk that I wonder how long it will take before I stop doing them and create new habits and rituals. The one thing I hope I never do is take for granted how blessed I am on so many levels, including getting to experience my body and physical earthly existence in a whole new way after almost fifty years. I can not wait for the next fifty; it is like being born again! Can I get an AMEN! LOL

O.K. Some of you will think the rest of this is crazy so just stop here! BUT, many of you have asked about this so I am going to do my best to explain something. I have been getting asked a lot since my surgery is “What does it feel like?” This is a hard one because there are several sensations that I have been experiencing at different times, however I will try to explain the main overriding feeling that is fairly consistent. O.K. Since I can not figure out the words to express this I have come up with a little demonstration you can do on yourselves. Come on …. No One is looking, just do it…… First straighten your arm out, now you know that part on the inside of your arm where it bends? The super fragile, softer then the rest of the skin part…. OK… Now take either two fingers or maybe your thumb and index finger and place them together in the middle of that spot on your arm…. OK Now with some pressure pull them apart as if you were trying to stretch that skin, THAT is what it feels like along my scar. That’s the best I can do….. I hope it helps those who were curious. LOL O.K. that is it for now….. Back to the Gym next week!

I am excited to get back in the water and see how things have change with my exercise abilities….. I will let ya all know! Thanks for all the support and encouragement, keep the feed back coming.

With great Love & Appreciation, Kathryn

Struggle???

So I recently had a moment where I was observing something that was such a great analogy for something I experience but have fallen short of the words to explain. So I thought I would share this in hopes that perhaps it might be something that can shed some light on to another aspect of my journey and what it has meant to be me. I have had over the years struggled with how to explain what it is like for me to be in this world as an obese person. So recently I was on a lovely little vacation with a few women, we were relaxing and hanging out by the pool. The group had moved to the spa which was connected and had a waterfall that spilled into the pool, like the picture I have included.

So for one reason or another, likely the flowing libations, one of the women decided it would be a good idea to go over the “waterfall” from the spa to the pool. So she proceeded with virtually no problem. After being in the pool a few minutes she of course decided that the spa was warmer and the preferred place to relax. So once she decided she did not want to get all the way out of the pool and walk over to the spa, she thought she would try climbing back into the spa from the pool…….. Not a simple feat! Not knowing exactly how this was going to happen, I curiously watched….. What I saw on her face was what I related to and experience in my everyday life. I observed and saw on her face several things, fierce determination to get back in the spa, fear that it was not going to happen, frustration for not knowing exactly how this was going to turn out, a little physical pain as it was not an easy task. The light switch flipped for me as I was watching this woman struggle to climb back up into the spa with no steps, ladder or any form of help other then her determination. I thought to myself that is how I feel, how I walk through this world everyday of my life. Determined to get through the day, I face the unknown physical struggles often with no help other then my fierce tenacity to get through the day. Some fear of the unknown, from “can I fit”, “will I be judged”, “and “will there be physical pain?”………. Regardless of these questions I face daily, I keep on keeping on! I push on and never give up.

So the next time you try a challenging physical feat like climbing up from the pool into the spa, pay attention to what is going on in your head as well as how you feel about the physical challenge and just know that this is a little analogy that perhaps can give you some insight to life as a obese person in this world.

I hope this makes sense to you as it did to me when I was observing it! Until next time…………..

And I won't either! Thanks again for all the love and support! Kathryn

Emotional Status

Vulnerability Update...... I could summarize this in three little words….. I AM BLESSED!

So as you may remember I did an entry a while back about my real fear, Vulnerability. The idea of relying on others, needing others, asking for help was terrifying to me, after all I am independent and strong. As if allowing others to be supportive of me some how equaled weakness….. Hmmm….. So do I believe others are weak if I am helping or being supportive… well No, so why would that be so for me? Well there were and are loads of feelings around this so if you missed previous discussions on the topic go to the archives and read more in previous entries. I want to now update you with my new and “Fresh Perspective” (Trade Marked name for my future business, not really trade marked but just saying that so ya all don‘t steal my idea! LOL) I am certainly not going to tell you that I am now able with ease to ask for help and /or support, but I will tell you I am getting much better at it and more then that I am honestly touched by all the offers of help.

The true love I have seen and felt by so many has been amazing. Not only has there been so much emotional support but several have taken time out of their days to come visit me, to load my dishwasher, buy me groceries, bring me magazines and puzzle books and other things to do to keep me busy. I have had people I am just getting to know send sweet notes to cheer me up and give me mail that is not a bill asking for money! People have taken time off from work (which translates to money folks) so that they can give me a ride to follow up appointments, which by the way is an hour from where I live. I have had people help me with wound maintenance which as everyone knows can be….. Wellllllll, gross. One particular Angel actually traveled across state lines, left her home, husband, doggies and life to stay with me after I returned from the hospital! WOW, I mean who does that? I AM BLESSED! I also really appreciated how so many people would just not take “No” for an answer.

When I would say “No thanks, I am good” or “No everything is fine” they would not accept that and instead they would just walk around until they would find something that needed to be done. I also received homemade goodies, Balloons, flowers, a package in the mail full of fun stuff, the list is honestly never ending. I could go on and on with the list of things people have done for me and the variety of ways people showed their love and ultimately all this adds up to really a life changing experience for me on more levels then I ever expected. Seeing how many people were actually willing to help, and not just give lip service like we all do sometimes, really showed me just how privileged and lucky I am to be so loved and to have so many awesome people in my life. I can never fully articulate the depths of my appreciation not only the loving help and gifts but for the life changing perspective shift I have had as a result of all this. For me to move some of the things I know in my head to move down to my heart is huge! For example Knowing I am deserving and worthy of the love, help and support is one thing but to truly accept and feel I am deserving and worthy is so much better then just knowing it!

So to ALL My Loving Angels, Thank You so much for everything, I am not only physically changed ,thanks to my hard work and Doctor, but more importantly I am forever emotionally change because of all your acts of kindness and love.

Strange Trip

It IS a Long Strange Trip…………I want to emphasize “IS” because it is not over. This last chapter of my journey has been a big one and a literal transformation like no other physically, but as you know if you have been with me or following my journey, this journey has been so much more. That being said I am going to focus this entry on the physical part since it is a large part of my most recent days and I am sure many are curious. So here goes…………. Depending on how long you have known me, how long it has been since you have seen me, or how long you have been reading about my journey will determine how much you know about where this all started. I want to encourage those of you who are new to my blog to go to the archives and read some of the earlier entries for some perspective, but for now I will do my best. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago I came across a picture of myself that I did not know at the time, but later I would come to know as the catalyst towards my health and weight loss journey. With no gastric bypass or other weight loss surgery I set out to get myself out of this situation which I had clearly gotten myself into………… One step at a time I am managing to take the weight off, my most recent experience was having some loose skin removed that I have been carrying around as a result of this weight loss.

To this point I have lost approximately 200+ lbs. which you can imagine has created some interesting or better said challenging body issues for me. When I say body issues I am talking about more then your typical body image issues that we all face and more specifically the literal physical issues my body has been dealing with as a result of carrying a large amount of loose skin. I could spend a whole lot of time talking about the plethora of special and unique issues that I have been dealing with surrounding this loose skin, however the easiest way to explain it is for you to take a moment to do a mini visualization with me…….. Ready…….. Imagine you are getting ready for your day, you are getting dressed and the first thing I want you to put on is the extra large “fanny pack”. Put it on in front, around your waist so that it hangs below your waist as designed. Now load it up with THIRTY POUNDS of rice (for perspective those are 20 lb. bags of rice).

Now dress yourself putting the clothes over the fanny pack. How do your clothes fit? How is your back feeling? Is walking, or for that matter even sitting comfortable? Can you reach around that fanny pack to put your shoes and socks on? Is that fanny pack getting in the way of you driving? Sitting in chairs? In booths at a restaurant? Fitting in public restrooms? I could go on and on with possible issues you will face while having this 30 lbs. of rice in your fanny pack but I will stop here, you are getting the idea, the images…….. So as you visualize this feat, how are you feeling? Frustrated? Angry or Irritated? Happy as a clam? (Doubt that one) O.K. SO now you have been on a mini visualization with me……. I am now going to wave my magic wand…..

PrestO, ChangeO your thirty pounds of rice are gone! (I always wanted to be a magician!) I am sure you can imagine that while very positive and glad to get rid of that fanny pack there are now some new adjustments to make and get use to! This part has been so interesting. I find myself doing things in a way I no longer have to, but based on 20+ years of history accommodating the weight, doing things a certain way, it literally is “What I know”. For example I am use to bracing myself as I approach any chair, or I have to stand a certain distance from every counter top when I do dishes or brush my teeth, because I have that excess in the way………….. So now I keep observing myself standing further away from counters then needed and bending way over unnecessarily, just because it is what I have done for so long and I am not yet use to my new body. Weird huh? It has been interesting….. Oh and most amusing has been while showering, reaching for my belly button to clean it out and not finding it! LOL Yep I have done that more then once! Anyway, so that is sort of what is going on for me at this point as I continue to heal and adjust to this new body. OH I forgot to mention something I found very exciting….. I discovered something I had never seen before….. Wait for it….. Wait……… I HAVE A LAP! Yes I have a lap, bet you never thought about that… I have not had a lap for years because that space was taken up by skin! Needless to say this is fun, so do not be surprised if I ask you to sit on my lap next time I see you! And if I don’t , well feel free to ask me if you can and I will include a free Big Hug! So that is it for this entry, again please feel free to ask questions and leave comments, include your name please so I can get back to you. Thanks

NOTE: Below is a entry I complted a while ago but I was having issues with the site so I was unable to post. So it is old but part of the process, new one coming soon.Thanks, K

2/18/2012 blog OY VEY, Postponed! SO…….. I got a call from my Doctors office letting me know my surgery date has been postponed, ugh. (FYI , new date 3-20-2012) Seems I am on the roller coaster again, been here before! So at first it felt like this whole surgery thing was happening so fast, no time to worry or fret, which I was actually grateful for. I had just enough time to get my plans in place and deal with feelings around having to ask for help and allowing people to participate in my recovery, Trusting others, being vulnerable…… You know all that stuff I love and do so well…..NOT. Anyway, dealing with all that did not allow for my mind to wonder too much about the actual surgery, it also forced me to quickly manage the uncomfortable feelings I mentioned above. But Now…….. Now I find I am having to sit with a little anxiety around what if’s……. and the simple thought of “What will it physically feel like?”, “What will I look like?”, “How will clothes fit?”, “How will it change what I can do?” I can go on and on but you get the idea. However I find I am feeling more like whatever will be will be and thus I end up back with the anxiety of trusting others with my vulnerable state of being. So now on top of facing those fears and feelings I now am looking at the “You’re deserving and worthy” issues. While I know this in my head the idea of having to ask those who have so graciously offered their help, to now rearrange their schedules due to the postponed surgery date, just feels like asking for too much. I say feels because again I “know” (and have been told by these gracious folks) that is ReDonkUlous (yes I said redonkulous!J ). Redonkulous or not feelings are what they are! So I sit with them and work on moving the “knowing” down about 12 inches to my heart so I can feel it…… It is coming along! J So I am embracing my current cocoon and looking forward to breaking out, opening my wings and setting out to soar to new and exciting places! Look out world this Butterfly is about to set itself free! Thanks to all who have been so graciously offering their help and support, it is often unfathomable to me how blessed I am.

Invisible?

So as I continue to peal off the layers (literally) I keep finding out more and more things about myself that somewhat surprise me, but then again ……. Not really! So you know how you hear obese people talk about feeling people treat them like they are invisible, ignoring them, walking by not making eye contact, pretending they don’t see you need a hand or they don’t hear that person degrading you. Or sometimes you might hear obese people talk about wanting to be invisible, either way I always found it so unusual. I mean really invisible? How can someone as large as me not been seen? Hello…. It’s me obese woman! Still human, drawing breath, yes fat, but still human. Well…… tonight as I was leaving the gym I had an experience that made me stop, think and really open my eyes to a whole new perspective of this concept. I had clearly hidden this different perspective deep below my surface nonchalant attitude of “It is their problem, not mine”; I talked as if I did not care. I think I convinced myself that I did not care and it was not my issue but an issue of society, the world’s acceptance of bad behavior, lack of compassion and empathy. Tonight I realized it is my problem. It is, in part, the way I carry myself, the way I view my position in this world, the way I have felt about myself, I was telling the world…… “Hey, don’t look at me, I’m invisible”, or so I wished I was at least. The situation this evening that made me start thinking about all this was one that reminded me of several other similar situations. I was leaving the gym and as I was walking out, casually glancing around the room, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, I saw the Director from my work; I quickly looked away even though she was looking my direction. When I realized I looked away I thought to myself “That was rude, wave Hello”, so I made eye contact and waved and smiled……. Then went to my car and started thinking…… It is not the rest of the world that thinks I am invisible, I THINK I AM INVISIBLE! Or I act as if I am invisible, not wanting to be seen, trying to hide. Yet another way Fear, Vulnerability and trust rear their ugly head. If I pretend to be invisible I am not a target for judgment, ridicule or any other form of vulnerability. So it was not the world that was not seeing me or ignoring me it was me hiding from the world. I was reminded of another recent and similar event where I was sure I was invisible and as a result I was just rude. So yet again, walking out of the gym, glancing around this time I see a very handsome man running on the treadmill, he smiles and waves and I literal kept walking wondering who he was waving at because no one else was around. Obviously (in my head) he could not have been gesturing to me, I mean come on a good looking guy at the gym smiling at me….. Uh No couldn’t be. Anyway I kept walking, I get to my car and it dawns on me………….I know who that was….. I know him….. He was gesturing to me and I totally just ignored him.(not my brightest move) It was a gentleman who owns the garage where I got my oil changed. We had a nice conversation while I was there, he is a relative of a friend of mine and he even gave me the “family discount”, and I just ignored him because of my own twisted thinking and insecurities, DOH! I know crazy right? Well just so you all know I did see him again and I made sure to make eye contact, smile and wave first. So while I do think I have come a long way in this area, becoming more comfortable in my own skin, even the excess skin, (sorry couldn’t resist) I clearly still have some growing to do. I think I started to become more comfortable with being less invisible the moment I started wearing the ZEBRA jacket my friend Erin bought for me, but now I better start working on getting comfortable with being “seen” at the gym. “I am NOT Invisible!”

Save the Date!

Hi, so in the effort of working on building trust and accepting my vulnerabilities I am going to share some more information regarding my process. Some of you will already know this, some of you may have deducted this from the last entry, either way I want to make it official because in doing so it becomes a reality I have to deal with and that will allow me to work on my aversion to vulnerability as well as allow me to work on building trust with those of you reading. I have, after much effort to stall and avoid following through, scheduled my surgery. Yes it is scheduled for February 21st, Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I had NO idea when I went for my consultation that once the approval came through I would have 90 days to get it done! I guess I was hoping I could continue to talk about it and put it off a while longer, but no such luck! O.K. So now that I have a date the interesting thing is I have gone into super planner / preparer mode. Those of you, who know me well, know that I am not a planner by nature, yet my first reaction was to get planning. So again I ask myself “What’s that about?” Having never had any surgery, never been in a hospital other then to visit others, (except once at 5 yr.s old to get a cast put on) I thought I would be more concerned about the actual surgery. The couple people I told about it went right to the anxiety about surgery or perhaps fear, but I could not stop thinking about how I was going to manage after, the recovery. So what I realized (yet again) was this was on my mind because this was the part where I would have to ASK for and Allow others to help me out! WHAT?! NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo that means being vulnerable, I thought I was handling that by going and talking to a Doctor and scheduling the surgery….. Now I have to ask others in my life for assistance! WOW, I know this keeps coming up but I had no idea how hard it was going to be to address vulnerability with those I love and care about…….. Now I would have guessed it would be more challenging to face being vulnerable with those I do not know, the Doctors, nurses and other professionals. Regardless of whom it is the theme of accepting my vulnerabilities and allowing others to assist is not going away so I press on and work on the acceptance. No use in fighting it and frankly when I take, what seems to me to be a huge risk, I continue to experience the warm loving feeling of real support. So I continue to accept my vulnerabilities and welcome the chance to grow more and more comfortable with receiving help. Thank You to all of you who have not taken my behavior personal and still remain supportive and loving offering your help in a multitude of ways. I do truly appreciate it more then I can ever express. So please send me positive thoughts on February 21st! Thanks, Kathryn