Pre-entry thoughts: I am terrified to be here again but mostly because I am going to share in places I have never shared this blog before, opening myself up for rejection, and criticism, so please either be kind or just move on , trust me I can bully myself better than anyone, I don't need any help! Thanks and I hope you enjoy.

HELLO!!

It has obviously been far too long since I have written anything here. I wish I had remembered that blogging for me is a form of accountability. Let me start off by Thanking you for being here, IF you are reading this please let me know you are here, ask questions, share your story, challenge me …. ANY and ALL of it is Welcomed! It is having your compassionate eyes on me that allows me to grow and become the best version of myself. Without others and accountability I am left to my own unchecked opinions, habits and thoughts , and we all know that isn't healthy! So, THANK YOU!

O.K. The last couple years.... OY VEY!!! Am I Right?!?!

Let's do quick catch up and summary before I get to today's mood!

Last entry October 2019, I finally had hit a stride after the hip replacement and physical therapy, was back on track at the gym 4 days a week and was feeling great.

Fast forward 6 months...... COVID hits, Gym Closes!

No Gym for approximately a year .This was a major set back for me as I love working out in the water, it is home for me. I have not found anything that I enjoy or that makes me feel as good as being in the water, so the gym closing was a hard hit.

In that year I do a lot of “Should-ing” on myself (people please do not “Should” on yourselves) this never motivates me and well, long story short I do nothing , OH! except sign up for online workout app.

During that year I also start slacking with my eating. I am not over eating, (Thank You tiny tummy,) but I am slowly adding “crap” back into my food options. Between not exercising and poor food choices I

can feel the clothes getting tighter, I know I am gaining weight and not feeling my best. (Remember for me it is about health not a number on a scale, so my clothes are how I know I put on weight).

After about a year the gym reopens and I think to myself THANK GOODNESS! I was beginning to get worried and scared for myself, I need exercise as much as air and water. It not only is good for my body but also my mind, and gaining weight and the state of the world was affecting my mental health as much if not more than my physical health.

A few short months later the Gym closes again!! Noooooooooooooooooo !!

This time I think, I can do this! I have this online workout I can do AND I will reach out to my favorite Physical therapy group and see if I can use their therapy pool to get some workouts in.

Needless to say I did not use the online program ,but maybe once, however I did reach out to the P.T. Group and was able to use their pool. Using the therapy pool wasn't working out scheduling wise and it wasn't cost effective for me , so I stopped that after a few months, but I did do it a few times for several weeks before stopping. It was enough to remind me how crucial it is to my overall well being and yet I did not pick up the online program to replace my lack of exercise, so the downward spiral starts again. No exercise and bad food choices.

So.... Pandemic terrorizing the world, no exercise, poor food choices, isolation , strange working conditions, Oh and Northern California going up in flames, AGAIN, so brown skies and poor air quality for multiple weeks (that part still going on FYI). Then....

A few months ago the Gym Re-reopened and I was able to get back in there. I am glad to say I am close to averaging 4 days a week again. Some weeks are better than others. I also am working at getting back to better food choices. I am moving forward , YAY..... Then today comes!

This morning I had a appointment with my hip Doctor and like all Doctor appointments the first thing they do is what????????? YUP they weigh you! Not having been on a scale in nearly two years I knew it might be hard to see because I knew I had put on weight, but I am strong and can do this!

It is amazing how YEARS of hard work can all vanish in literally a couple seconds. I knew I had gained some weight over the last couple years but seeing a actual number for some reason just took me down hard and fast. I actually wanted to cry in that moment. BUT THEN I remembered how far I had come and that I am capable of doing it again because I had done it before! I also reminded myself this is a minor set back in the overall big picture.

On the drive home, while processing all that I just heard and experienced, I remembered that something else I had let go of during the past couple years was this blog. This blog has been a accountability tool for me over the years and a inspiration. I hear others stories because of it, receive and give encouragement because of it too. SO that is why I am writing today.

If you are new to my blog, I am glad you are here. I encourage you to look for other entries that might be helpful to you. I would appreciate a quick comment to know you are here, if you do it on the blog you don't have to have a account you can do it as guest but then please leave your name in the body of the comment.

If you are not new and are familiar with my journey, Thanks for returning. PLEASE let me know how you are doing, if you have questions, thoughts, suggestions, let me know.

Thanks for being a part of my journey

NEVER GIVE UP!

Happy Hip Update

Hi , I know it has been a while since I have written anything so I thought I would do a update.

In my last entry I have just finished up physical therapy post hip replacement. From there I was hoping to head back to gym which I did but it took some finagling. Approximately end of May/ Beginning of June I was able to rejoin the Gym! This was very exciting and yet intimidating.

I briefly felt as if I was starting this journey all over again from the very beginning. You know the gym seeking, feeling judged by “Gym Rats” (yes I know that's a stereotype! LOL) , I hate this but must do it very beginning! Despite my excitement and deep desire to be back in the water and moving again, the emotional stuff felt raw and unfortunately too familiar. Thankfully my desire to be exercising again and get back on track with my health goals was greater than my fear and anxiety. I also am blessed to have great friends, one of which resigned for a year with me, making the process easier to manage with support.

So all signed up and got new gym card and ready to go! I started with a couple times a week, just easing myself back into it. I also had to meet and learn about the new instructors who have come since I was last at gym. The new instructors thing was yet another emotional hill to climb, much like going in and signing up. I think I was caught off guard by just how anxious this would make me but in hind sight, it is change and of course change makes all of us anxious especially in areas of life that we already struggle. So I went saw familiar faces and was comforted by this but then saw the new faces of instructors I did not know and who did not know me. I think in retrospect part of my anxiety with the instructors was they did not know me. My previous instructors had known me for years and so we had a established relationship as well as understanding of my limitations and strengths, now I was unknown. Regardless I of course pushed through and have now figured out the instructors, who has the workout styles and intensity I want and need as well as personality. I know for some this may sound silly but these are things that are important to me as my workouts are about my health and thus my life so it needs to be a good fit. I also have come to realize my workouts are my therapy so if I have a bad therapist (instructor) or one that is not a good fit that doesn't work for me!

Happily I can report I have figured out which classes and days are a good fit and I have been back a few months now so I have built my number of days back up to the full 4 days a week. This is so great for me, because I feel like I am finally back on track. Being out of that horrible hip pain and just dealing with the everyday, every-Woman , aging daily pains is so amazing. I can manage that and I am beyond grateful that this is where I am and excited to see where I am going.

OH, I also had my 1 year follow up with my Hip Surgeons P.A. And he said everything looked great and in fact he was glad to see some ligament/tendon/muscle thingy that runs along hip and sometimes doesn't stay in a proper placement after the surgery was in fact well placed and better than most, and he was very happy about this! I have NO idea what it meant but if he was happy I was ecstatic! 

The last thing I wanted to share before I end this entry, was this week after working out I had a moment! It was one of those moments I have not experienced in SO LONG I was nearly moved to tears with Joy! (yes I am dramatic, but so is life) I noticed a change in my body. I happened to look at my arm and saw that old friend of mine, a wee bicep! Laugh all you want, I was thrilled to see a little definition had come back to my arm after the years of not getting properly worked out! Anyway, it truly is the little things that matter.

So that's the update, let me know if you have any questions or comments. You can leave them on the blog page if you want, just do it anonymously but if you do please leave name in part of comment, THANKS

Happy Healing

So the journey continues. So I am just 2 weeks out from completing the physical therapy post hip replacement. Hip is feeling really good. Muscles are slow to remember they can and do work, but I am getting there. I have realized that the hardest part of this work is getting the mind and body to work together. Getting my mind to understand that even though it has been so long, if ever, that I have been able to use my hip without any hesitation or precautions, it now is stronger than ever, dare I say Bionic! LOL. I find myself compensating in ways I always have for my body and it’s limitations but now I do not have to, but I have to train my mind to KNOW it is capable. I remind myself daily I have a hunk of metal in my body so I can handle these stairs or my leg can handle putting my whole weight on it and I do not have to baby it. Simple life things that I have adjusted to and that others take for granted I am now having to re-learn or retrain my mind to get me to do things AND for that I am excited!

What I love the most is when I catch myself doing something I haven’t done in a while, due to limitations, and I realize I did it without thinking or worrying.  I had an especially exciting moment this past weekend when I realized that for a few weeks now I have found myself looking for things to do outside of my house. Looking for errands to do after work.  Looking for places to go and chores to get done. This may sound like a normal occurrence for you, but let me explain why this was such a huge moment for me.

For my entire life I have spent every day trying to figure out how to make it through the day with the least amount of pain both physically and emotionally. Physically I wander the parking lots looking for the closest spot so I don’t have to walk far. Or I avoid going out because I do not know what the environment will be like, how many people, seating etc.  

Emotionally, who will be there? Can I blend into the background? Will I stand out? Will there be “haters”? Fat prejudice is alive and well so when you are obese you think about these things.

As I lost weight some of these things changed slightly, and then I started having Hip issues and they came back and some even got  worse. So when I realized this weekend that I was not doing some of these things it made me realize my patterns are changing. My weight has gone down and thus I think of these things less and less AND my hip pain has diminished to the point I am not trying to avoid things and I am not trying to stay home in my safe little world. My world is opening up more and more each day.  This is exciting beyond words, it is literally like a new beginning, a fresh start!

I still have a ways to go but I am so much farther than I realized and to see that my thought processes are changing makes me excited.  I’m not spending so much time thinking about my pain and that frees my mind up to spend more time thinking about the Joy and excitement of my future.

Speaking of future… I will be heading back to the pool for my beloved Aqua Aerobics soon and I cannot wait to be back in the pool splashing and singing along with the music! I love being a Mermaid! 


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COMFORT?

This entry is not going to be exactly like the others where the focus is my journey, but it is about health, weight and in part my journey or process at least.

Thanks for reading.

Those of you who do not know right now in the County I live there is a huge Wild Fire that is devastating a entire town and impacting the entire County. It has been deemed the largest most devastating and deadly wild fire in the history of California since they have been keeping records. What that means is this, most devastation is equal to most destructive to building/structures, most deadly … well that is self-exploratory. Now I can go on and on about this but I don’t want to do that here. I only mention it because it brings up some things I believe are deeply related to health and weight issues.

I know for myself as I hear the number of deaths rise I just want to reach for something to eat. Yup food. How many times when stressed or sad have you just reached for the kids cookies? Or when a friend or colleague has a death you want to do something so you bake them something. When we celebrate what do we do? Bake a cake, go out to eat? As a culture we use food for so many more things than energy/fuel. I know first hand (and I know I am not alone) we use it most for COMFORT.

Now the fact that I know this and it is in my constant awareness the good news is I do not do it unconsciously anymore, like I use to or most do. I am fully aware of what I am doing. As a matter of fact my thought process generally goes something like this… “This is so sad and overwhelming, I feel like I am going to get so depressed, perhaps I will eat a piece of chocolate cake that will make me happy…… for a minute” . After that thought I have a whole new conversation with myself about the alternatives to the cake. What else can I do? Who can I talk to about these feelings? Then frankly there are times when I just throw up my hands and go for the cake, the difference is I KNOW what I am doing and it is a choice. SO often in our culture we just do things out of habit and/or unconscious robotic drive.

 

I wanted to share this because NOW during this crisis I see a ton of outreach and nurturing happening which is awesome and most of it in the form of food. I guess I really just want people to be aware that they can make healthy choices even when we are in crisis or even daily life struggles. We do not have to become victim to our old patterns and the patterns/traditions of our culture. I have said this before but it is true, Food is not the enemy. Find ways to care for yourself during the hard times and if the Cake wins at least acknowledge it and know what you are doing is a choice, a conscience choice.

This is also all applicable to the holidays as well. We all know and expect, even plan on over eating during the holidays, but again I encourage you to make a choice to do something different! Even if you choice to indulge in the special seasonal treats just do so in small portions. I have never deprived myself of anything. SO I will have treats at the holidays but again I know I am making a choice to eat something that may not be great for me but I will do it sparingly AND I usually will increase my exercise (when I have a working hip-LOL) or some positive area to balance it out.

 

Also please remember to give yourself credit for the work you have done. I often forget how far I have come on my journey and can get frustrated, which leads to this food nurturing process as well, so have your reminders of the strides you have made. My sister-in-law recently gave me a photo I had not seen before and it was so surreal , I barely recognized myself. It was a really good reminder of my journey and how far I have come, so give yourself credit and stop beating yourself up of the Cake, just be aware and move forward making better choices! Your health is in your hands! 

It has been three weeks since I added a large piece of metal to my body! Surgery was successful, my follow up appointment which included an X-ray was two weeks after and I am happy to say the Surgeons P.A. is still in agrees that I am a Medical Unicorn! I was able to go to the appointment just using the cane and not the walker. I am off the walker totally and have been for some time. I am off the pain medication with the exception of taking it at night before bed, but have started lowering the amount even at night. I had physical therapy at home just 5 times and she too was pleased with my progress, and told me I was a “easy” patient, and I clearly would heal well because I was cooperative!

 

The main question I get besides the vague “how are you doing?”, is how is the pain. I am learning about pain, it is so different and all about perspective. First I honestly believe pain is completely individual and varies from person to person. I would never and will never compare my experience of pain with anyone else, that being said I will share my experience. The pain now is so VERY different from what it was in both how the pain feels and the intensity of it. Prior to surgery the pain was sporadic, coming and going with certain movements/actions and extremely sharp to the point of often causing a stream of profanity. It also was very limiting in that it prevented me from doing certain things, and it created this deep fear in me as well. I was fearful of doing anything because I did not want to feel that sharp deep pain. I think post surgery this is one of the things I am realizing that I did not figure out or put together prior to the surgery, I was really living in fear. The fear of that pain was both physically and emotionally paralyzing.

Thinking about this had me realizing how much pain can control our lives, not only physically but emotionally. It also made me think about how much worse or better I might be able to make my physical pain if I deal with it emotionally in a different way. What I mean is IF I was not so fearful of this pain, so much that I was adjusting my life physically to avoid it, could my actual experience of the pain have been different. All I know is I do believe what I think affects how I feel so I am now aware that I want to keep this in mind in relation to my pain as well. With this in mind back to the question “how is my pain?”, it is so different I can’t even compare it to the pain prior. It is there, it is constant but dull and more of a discomfort than pain and most importantly my perspective has changed. Emotionally I feel so free and am so grateful for my life that the pain is so insignificant. It isn’t that it doesn’t exist, it is that I am not giving it any power to control my life. I press forward, and focus on how grateful I am for being on the other side of this surgery and healing. I am blessed to have so many caring professionals, family members and friends that nothing else seems important.

This is another thing I am realizing in this process but will save for another entry, I am VERY blessed and well loved. For now, Thank You to all the family and friends for all the support, I am appreciative beyond words and will write more on this later.

For now I wanted to give you a update and touch on the pain issue. Thanks for reading and please feel free to ask questions and leave comments. 

Hip replacement humor:

Save the Date

After three years of dealing with this bum hip I have a date! I have completed ALL of the pre-op test, pokes and scans, with flying colors of course! Got the “class” done , so I have an idea of what to expect. I plan on meeting with a HR person this week  to make sure I got all my paperwork in order.

SO all that is left is to do a little prep around the house and load up fridge and then it is GO TIME!

 

People keep asking me if I am scared or nervous, I could not be more ready for anything in my life. I am so ready and not anxious that I would even say I am excited! I can already picture myself riding a bike, walking without looking for the next spot to sit and rest, even just going down town to farmers market and not have to worry about how long I will be gone or how far away I have to park.

I think maybe people do not realize that I not only am getting a new hip but a new lease on life. Between the weight loss and the new hip I literally will be able to change how I view nearly everything. There are so many things you have to think about when you have weight issues or a bum hip or really any sort of medical limitation. NO decision is a simple one.

I am excited to be able to be spontaneous and adventurous!

I know that it will take some time and I am pretty sure I know myself well enough that I will need reminders that I need to fully heal and rushing it is not in my best interest, so those of you near by who will hopefully come visit me so I don’t go stir crazy, Please feel free to remind me if I seem to be rushing my healing, I don’t want to mess this up because I feel better. My Surgeons assistant put it really well, when considering how long I have dealt with this bum hip I need to remember I only get ONE chance to heal from the surgery so I need to take it slow and not rush it.  

                                             

OK, SO my surgery date is the nineteenth of this month so please keep me in your thoughts and if you are local please come visit me! I look forward to getting back to the gym and uncovering a new lease on life. Thanks for all the support and encouragement. This chapter is winding down and the next one is around the corner. 

 I Am EXCITED! 

Let's Do this....

My heart is filled with excitement and relief!
My eyes filled with tears of Joy and relief!
I am grateful for Faith winning over the Frustration!
I am blessed to have such amazing support on my side.
If you haven't guessed by now or if this is your first experience with the blog let me catch you up.

Friday, July 20th I had my second appointment with the Hip Surgeon who is known for his solid cement firm boundary that he only will operate on patients with a 40 BMI or less. Those of you who know something about BMI and have been following my journey,  you know I have been stuck above that for some time now.






Let me back up a little. A few weeks ago now I had my two year bariatric follow up with my  Surgeon. (my new best friend - story to follow) At this appointment, after getting on the scale I was immediately frustrated and upset. When the Doctor came into the room and was looking at my chart he was all smiles. I did not get it. I had not lost any weight in about 6 months. I just thought to myself, well I am glad he is having a good day but I certainly am not. He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were "Your blood work is perfect". OK, that is always good to hear so that did lift my spirits, especially since they took about 6-8 vials of blood to do every test under the sun. Anyway, it was looking up somewhat, at least I know  I am still a Medical Unicorn but why can't I get the scale to shift at all?


So after telling me how my blood work was perfect, he asked how I was feeling, now I knew he probably meant physically but my emotions were taking over... " I am frustrated" , he asked me why, because my blood work was perfect and my weight has been stable for six months and all this (in his mind) is great. So I explained to him my frustration and he actually listened. This Doctor listened and did not brush me off. He heard what I had to say about my frustration with the scale being stuck. I explained the source of my frustration was mostly because there is nothing more I can do to change what I am doing because I can not exercise due to the bum hip. He asked me who my hip surgeon was and I told him and he quickly responded with a knowing "Oh, yes... he has a very strict hard line on the BMI". I told him that is why I am frustrated. I understand I am doing well but I can not move the BMI without making some changes in my activity and I can't do that. In fact, my activity level has gotten less because the pain has gotten worse. As I was telling my story to him I could tell his wheels were turning. He was hearing me but I could tell he was thinking about solutions.
So the next thing he says is that he will have the office girls send over a referral to the hip surgeon because he knows that Doctor and he is going to call him and have a conversation with him.  He went on to say while he knows he has a hard line when it comes to the BMI he also knows he CAN make an exception. WHAT??? Did I hear that right? With some disbelief, I asked him if he was really going to talk to him and he said yes he knew him and would talk to him. This is when I announced to my Bariatric Doctor that he was my new Best Friend.













You know they say life is made up of moments, in that moment I had the biggest sense of relief, and Hope for the first time in a while. Hope for relief from pain, Hope for a flexible, mobile, exercise filled future. All that being said Hope is not enough. It was great but I still had to get an appointment and meet with the hip surgeon.
Life being what it is... (a journey often testing us).... The next week I waited in anticipation of a call to schedule an appointment to see the hip surgeon. Well, a week went by so my inner voice had to start doing some justifying of why they may not have called yet, otherwise, I might slip back into that frustration or worse depression. The next week I thought, of course, I will get a call this week, Monday- Nope, Tuesday-Nope, Wednesday-Nope, Thursday-Nope, Friday-NOPE. After the second week of no call, it was much harder not to be frustrated and depressed, let alone doubtful that it was going to happen. Then I just thought to myself I believe my bariatric Doctor will do what he said AND I believe he thinks I am ready for surgery and should be considered for an exception. SO... I email the bariatric office and just asked about the referral to see if it got sent over so I knew where the delay might be.  I was trying to stay strong and take charge. The next day I got a message from the hip surgeon's Nurse and she said my Bariatric Doctor spoke to them and asked that they see me. So I called as soon as I could, and they had one appointment 3 weeks out and then it was another several weeks before they had another opening.  I told the nurse I would take whatever she had and make the adjustment I need to anything else, this is my priority.
So I got an appointment! Met with the Doctor, had a lengthy discussion about the risk and why he is so strict about the BMI. I appreciated that he took time to explain to me the thought behind all of his decisions but as he continued I could not decide if he was warming up to another letdown or just covering his bases and educating me on the risks and why. I manage to work into the conversation that I am a Medical Unicorn and have not had any issues with the two surgeries I did have, and I have not had any of the classic health issues that accompany someone as obese as I was and still am. I was trying to reassure him I really am not as big of a risk as I may seem. He paused some then he continued discussing the reasons he does what he does but then starts to say that it did not appear I was going to fall into any of those categories but he still wanted to be sure I was aware of risk with any surgery. Now it sounds like he may make an exception.
So at this point, I am freaking out inside and just want to scream Yes or NO!
Then he asked some questions, is taking some notes and then turns to me and  says with the bariatric Doctors recommendation, report on my success with the program, and he can see I have done everything I can AND.... maybe I am the Medical Unicorn I say I am (we chuckled), he is going to make an exception for me.
 HIP HIP HOORAY! (pun intended)

He then quickly followed that up with a seriously funny look at me and says, "You can not tell anyone I made an exception for you!" We chuckled but I knew he was serious and I half expected him to pull out a confidentiality form to sign.
That being said if you are reading this you are now also sworn to secrecy!
Now I  wait for a call from the scheduling nurse to get a date and then I think I will really believe it is going to happen.  I am hoping I do not end up waiting 2 weeks for a call to get on the schedule! NO, let me correct that... I will not wait 2 weeks to get on the schedule! LOL
It seems I am entering a new stage of this journey and I am excited.  I can not wait to join the gym again and get back into Aqua Classes! I can not wait to get a bike, and not worry about how far something is if I have to walk and be able to sleep without pain.
 I am really looking forward to this next chapter!