Struggle???

So I recently had a moment where I was observing something that was such a great analogy for something I experience but have fallen short of the words to explain. So I thought I would share this in hopes that perhaps it might be something that can shed some light on to another aspect of my journey and what it has meant to be me. I have had over the years struggled with how to explain what it is like for me to be in this world as an obese person. So recently I was on a lovely little vacation with a few women, we were relaxing and hanging out by the pool. The group had moved to the spa which was connected and had a waterfall that spilled into the pool, like the picture I have included.

So for one reason or another, likely the flowing libations, one of the women decided it would be a good idea to go over the “waterfall” from the spa to the pool. So she proceeded with virtually no problem. After being in the pool a few minutes she of course decided that the spa was warmer and the preferred place to relax. So once she decided she did not want to get all the way out of the pool and walk over to the spa, she thought she would try climbing back into the spa from the pool…….. Not a simple feat! Not knowing exactly how this was going to happen, I curiously watched….. What I saw on her face was what I related to and experience in my everyday life. I observed and saw on her face several things, fierce determination to get back in the spa, fear that it was not going to happen, frustration for not knowing exactly how this was going to turn out, a little physical pain as it was not an easy task. The light switch flipped for me as I was watching this woman struggle to climb back up into the spa with no steps, ladder or any form of help other then her determination. I thought to myself that is how I feel, how I walk through this world everyday of my life. Determined to get through the day, I face the unknown physical struggles often with no help other then my fierce tenacity to get through the day. Some fear of the unknown, from “can I fit”, “will I be judged”, “and “will there be physical pain?”………. Regardless of these questions I face daily, I keep on keeping on! I push on and never give up.

So the next time you try a challenging physical feat like climbing up from the pool into the spa, pay attention to what is going on in your head as well as how you feel about the physical challenge and just know that this is a little analogy that perhaps can give you some insight to life as a obese person in this world.

I hope this makes sense to you as it did to me when I was observing it! Until next time…………..

And I won't either! Thanks again for all the love and support! Kathryn

Emotional Status

Vulnerability Update...... I could summarize this in three little words….. I AM BLESSED!

So as you may remember I did an entry a while back about my real fear, Vulnerability. The idea of relying on others, needing others, asking for help was terrifying to me, after all I am independent and strong. As if allowing others to be supportive of me some how equaled weakness….. Hmmm….. So do I believe others are weak if I am helping or being supportive… well No, so why would that be so for me? Well there were and are loads of feelings around this so if you missed previous discussions on the topic go to the archives and read more in previous entries. I want to now update you with my new and “Fresh Perspective” (Trade Marked name for my future business, not really trade marked but just saying that so ya all don‘t steal my idea! LOL) I am certainly not going to tell you that I am now able with ease to ask for help and /or support, but I will tell you I am getting much better at it and more then that I am honestly touched by all the offers of help.

The true love I have seen and felt by so many has been amazing. Not only has there been so much emotional support but several have taken time out of their days to come visit me, to load my dishwasher, buy me groceries, bring me magazines and puzzle books and other things to do to keep me busy. I have had people I am just getting to know send sweet notes to cheer me up and give me mail that is not a bill asking for money! People have taken time off from work (which translates to money folks) so that they can give me a ride to follow up appointments, which by the way is an hour from where I live. I have had people help me with wound maintenance which as everyone knows can be….. Wellllllll, gross. One particular Angel actually traveled across state lines, left her home, husband, doggies and life to stay with me after I returned from the hospital! WOW, I mean who does that? I AM BLESSED! I also really appreciated how so many people would just not take “No” for an answer.

When I would say “No thanks, I am good” or “No everything is fine” they would not accept that and instead they would just walk around until they would find something that needed to be done. I also received homemade goodies, Balloons, flowers, a package in the mail full of fun stuff, the list is honestly never ending. I could go on and on with the list of things people have done for me and the variety of ways people showed their love and ultimately all this adds up to really a life changing experience for me on more levels then I ever expected. Seeing how many people were actually willing to help, and not just give lip service like we all do sometimes, really showed me just how privileged and lucky I am to be so loved and to have so many awesome people in my life. I can never fully articulate the depths of my appreciation not only the loving help and gifts but for the life changing perspective shift I have had as a result of all this. For me to move some of the things I know in my head to move down to my heart is huge! For example Knowing I am deserving and worthy of the love, help and support is one thing but to truly accept and feel I am deserving and worthy is so much better then just knowing it!

So to ALL My Loving Angels, Thank You so much for everything, I am not only physically changed ,thanks to my hard work and Doctor, but more importantly I am forever emotionally change because of all your acts of kindness and love.