Here We Go Again......

OK , I am going to start by letting you all know this will be a scattered entry as this is my fourth attempt to start and I just have no idea how to start and which direction to go, so buckle up it should be a interesting ride. Before I get to the (my) heart of the matter let me say I know the past year or more there has not been consistent entries in this blog mostly because after the surgery to remove the loose skin things leveled out and were much smoother so I guess I did not have much to say. Well that being said I now find myself in a whole new situation that has placed me back on the roller coaster, of which I am not fond of or excited about, so I am thinking I may be writing more often…. IF there is still an interest. SO please if you are reading this either leave a comment (you can do it anonymously so you don’t have to sign up) or at least give me a “like” on the book of face so I know someone is reading, otherwise I will just go get a pretty journal! Thanks in advance. SO …. Some of you may have seen my ambiguous entry that really read like a rant of anger and self pity more then anything else , regardless in retrospect I realized I said nothing about what was causing all that emotional chaos, so I will explain myself and let you in on what is currently going on and some of the emotional issues I am revisiting and those I am encountering for the first time too.

To start , on the surface is a load of embarrassment and shame. Why you ask…. Well, despite my complete and total bill of health (yup I am a medical unicorn) I have been dealing with one thing, some hip/joint pain. Since I am blessed and grateful I have no medical issues like diabetes, high cholesterol or blood pressure issues, I figured a little hitch in my giddy up is nothing and I will deal with it……… and so I have been. I have been working with a physical therapist, whom I love and is amazing but we only got so far before it just wasn’t getting any better. So next my P.T. decides we need to get a x-ray just to rule out some things and see what exactly we are dealing with…. Hmmm….. OK. So we get the x-rays and then next thing I know I am getting a call from this Doctors office whom I have never heard of…. Hmmm… so I look up this Doctor and see he is a Hip replacement surgeon…. WHAT?!?!?!?! So now I am a little concerned but then remember my primary care physician mentioned a cortisone shot for the pain, that must be it. So I call and ask and they tell me I was referred just for a consultation, oh ok no big deal. So I go to the appointment and that is where my world quickly came falling down around me. (I know I am being dramatic, but in that moment it felt that way) So as this very nice Doctor begins to look at my x-rays and explaining to me what he sees my anxiety begins to quickly rise….. I could feel where this is going…. And then he just says it “A hip replacement is in your future that is for sure…… however…..” OH great a “However” what could he follow up that information with …. Then he says something that literally was the last thing I expected to hear, he says “Have you considered weight loss surgery?” ……. What jgioreuhcds jiscjin cdisjznj dcijvov isojavn !!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY….. I was so blindsided I really did not know what to think…… I told him my story of nearly 200lbs. Lost over the past 5-6 years, I pull out a before picture (always prepared for Doctors who don’t believe me!) He goes on… he acknowledges my effort , tells me all sorts of great things then goes back to the surgery… he explains that he is not going to do hip replacement surgery on me with my BMI being what it is and I need to loose more weight. Then he goes n and says there is this workshop I can go to just to get information…. It was about then I think my mind left my body because I didn’t’ hear much after that…… My mind began swirling with all sorts of thoughts….. And then the feelings fell quickly into line of course…. After all this hard work and the life style changes how do I end up right where I started??? Am I really that big of a failure? I didn’t work hard enough! This is a epic fail to have to get surgery after fighting so hard NOT to do the surgery.

This is BIG DECISION… So I try to get back into my body and listen to the doctor as I do feel like he has my best interest in mind. I hear him out and get information on the weekly information workshop on the bariatric surgery, he even gets me connected to the woman in charge of the program. So again I try to listen to her but I am reeling….. So I hang in there, then leave and head home….. Feeling totally overwhelmed now with this information of not one but at least two surgeries likely to be in my future , I look around for some place to unload (the emotional garbage) and only see my couch….. Enter a whole new set of feelings…… UGH!

SO………. This is the what I am facing, all the while living on Alieve for the constant daily pain. With all this happening as I mentioned earlier I am seeing a whole new chapter / phase to my journey and will have much to write about, so again let me know if it is worth sharing…. I am going to end this one here for now …. I just wanted to fill in those of you whom may have been wondering what the heck sent me on that last rant. I will let you know what I find out, this is the very beginning stages and I have barely begun even researching any of this stuff, but alas I will, so more to come.

Thanks ….. I am ending this with a saying I saw that I believe was sent through divine intervention, because the timing was perfect.