It Ain't Easy... It is a choice

So I sit here....  pensive.... frustrated..... sad... yet grateful.

So I had a follow up appointment with Anna (Nurse Practitioner) a couple weeks ago, and started to write about my current status and experience and I got a couple lines down and couldn't do it. I was more than frustrated this time after my appointment.
I was mad, depressed and extremely disappointed.
It has been three or four months since my last appointment, even back then I was feeling frustrated  having hit the inevitable plateau but now for the second time in over ten years the scale went UP.                                                                                                                                      F*CK !
  I was afraid of this... Not being able to exercise and hitting the plateau , I was afraid this would happen. After all this time I do know what my body does and how to work with it, but my limitations are getting in the way. In the past it was easy to adjust my workouts or adjust my food/calorie intake some, but now I can do neither. Feeling despair.
Then as I listen and watch Anna's reaction she doesn't seem worried, in fact she says to me I think you are not eating enough. Now I had heard this before but I know how and what to eat so I think to myself I understand how that happens but I think I am eating enough. Then thoughts of the previous appointment fly by and I think last time the focus was on getting more water.
It is always something.

Not enough water, not enough food, not enough exercise.... How am I to feel ok about myself when every corner I turn I hear (inside voice)  "You are not enough" !
Now logically I know I am enough (most times I know it) but when continually faced with MORE to do , eat, say, feel whatever, you can't help but to feel like "Less" or "Not enough" .

For me I realized, I am smart enough to know those voices/messages are pure...B*ll Sh*T !
I AM ENOUGH!
Not only am I enough but I am a Fricken Unicorn!

Why do we let the struggle take so much of our power? Why instead of beating myself up over and over again don't I look at how far I have come? Look at what I have accomplished? Why do we so quickly jump to the negative and allow it to drag us down?
OH.... because we are human!
That's right, unfortunately it takes work to be positive. It takes effort to stay on track and not give in to those voices telling you your not enough. It is not easy and anyone who tells you it is ... well they are not being honest. It is hard work! I know some make it look easy but trust me they work at it too!

I  would rather put in hard work to benefit from the pay off.
What is that pay off you ask? Well for each of us I suppose it is different. So I will only speak for myself....
For me the pay off of hard work, keeping life and my journey in perspective, means the majority of life is Pleasurable, Joyful, Enjoyable, and Loving.

SO ... I won't throw in the towel over a increase of numbers on the scale for only the second time in over ten years. I will use it as motivation to figure out how to change it. I will access the support around me to keep moving forward.

Above all I will be HONEST with myself and allow the occasional sadness and even despair to rise up and smack me in the face, but only for a moment.
I will not LIVE in the sadness or despair, I choose to live in the Joy!

What choice will you make?

Leave a message,note, question...

TRUTH

Sometimes Truth is painful. Sometimes that causes me to go quiet. I started this blog to build in some accountability as well as support to my journey.  I realize when I have been quiet and gone long periods of time without writing I am robbing myself of the very support and accountability I have sought by having a blog. Like all of us I am a work in progress, and there is progress despite how it feels at times..... Like now.

I haven't written in a while because I have been Stuck! I haven't had much success or any fun stories to share. In fact the only thing I have had to share is frustration, pain, and sadness. I realized that is a part of the journey so I need to write about it as well. I have shared the struggles in the past and it has been received well, so I need to move forward and continue the sharing.

Here goes....  I have plateau with my weight loss which is totally normal and expected. Under most circumstances I would do what needs to be done , you know decrease calories, increase exercise,  switch up the exercise, in short change it up and trick my body (metabolism)  back in to higher functioning mode. This has always worked for me in the past. The difference right now and why I am so frustrated is I can't change much. What I mean is after the bariatric surgery it isn't like I can decrease my food intake, I am already struggling to get all my water and protein in! Then there is the hip. There is so little exercise I can do, so I can't really switch anything. Thankfully I have a awesome Physical Therapist who while treating my hip and shoulder helps me to figure out some exercises to do. I try to focus on things like that because otherwise I find myself feeling hopeless and well....  I am not a fan of feeling hopeless.
 I have been feeling hopeless because I am so close to being able to have surgery (within 25LBS) but remain stuck for several months. UGH! So the struggle is real! So much of my journey has been to make a choice to be positive and find the strength. I specifically use the word choice because it doesn't just happen, I have to choose it and make it happen.  That being said when the pain continues on a daily, even hourly basis the strength sometimes is hard to find. So I am going to wrap this entry up by sharing this.... The Struggle is part of the Journey. I want to be as transparent and real as possible so that includes the tough stuff, including the occasional hopelessness.
 Everything worth having includes struggle, effort and energy (lessons). I know it will get easier, and I know I will make it, I know I am not alone and I appreciate you coming and reading and letting me be real. Thanks for all the support, so many amazing people in my life.  I will continue to share, grow and move forward with the good , the bad and the ugly!  ....
Cuz that's how I Roll !

New Experience .... Girlie Stuff

There are times in life when you don't even know what you are missing until you experience it for the first time. Especially things that you might believe are from days and times gone by, like our youth or childhood.
Recently I had a amazing experience that was such pure joy I didn't want the time to end. It was a little bitter sweet , mostly sweet. I want to share it because I think it may be one of those things many people take for granted and also something most do not consider when thinking about their friends and/or family members and what their lives are like as a obese person. I am not sure people realize how different a life can  be when you are overweight.  Many of life's simple pleasures escape those of us who are overweight, for a woman it is some of the "girlie" things that others take great pleasure in doing. I have endless examples of this but I will only share one for purposes of contrast before I share my recent joyful experience.



So many years ago when I was at my heaviest a close friend of mine was getting married and she asked me to be a part of her wedding. First of all I was grateful to be asked because I know some people would not want a overweight person in their wedding party, sounds shallow you say, it happens. So at many stages there were things we needed to adjust or accommodate because of my size and were to be expected, like the dress. However something no one thought of, including myself because I had never been in this situation before, was the process of getting our nails done. What you ask? Yes... getting our Mani & Pedi's. So getting my manicure was not too big of a deal although there was a moment of panic when I saw the chair..."Will it hold me?" , but it did. So I made it thru the first stage but then came time for the pedicure. Now ladies you know those big chairs with the tub attached, get that image in your mind and them imagine a obese woman trying to gracefully get up in the chair without embarrassing herself let alone she may not fit in the chair comfortably. When it was my turn to get in the chair I literally just looked at it and looked around trying to figure out how I was going to make this work. Needless to say it was very awkward and by time I got in and then got out I had totally ruined my manicure because I was struggling getting in and out. Then I was so embarrassed that I struggled so much and ruined my fingernails that I did not want to say anything to get them fixed, so I left with completely messed up nails. I ended up having to do them over myself. Yes! Manicures and Pedicures can be a nightmare when you do not move well and have to climb into a chair that is too small. These are things I think many people take for granted. Along with that I don't know anyone can really understand the emotional pain of such situations unless you experience it.
 In contrast to that is how far I have come in my process and as such I want to share a Joyful experience that I recently had that most have in their childhood but I had for the first time at 54 years old.
A couple weekends ago my dear friend of 35 years came to stay the night and visit with me. She has recently introduced me to this crazy addiction call Lula Roe. Many of you will understand what I am talking about, anyway it is a clothing line , with many fun styles. I have never really been able to be interested or involved with anything related to fashion and clothes because I simply had to get what I could find. At one point I had gotten so large I had to order all my clothes online, I had gotten to large for the plus size stores. I share that only to add to the level of excitement and understanding for what I am going to share about my friends visit.
So I mention the clothing line for a couple reasons, first reason is because for the first time I can actually get clothes from a current fashion trend. Yup they make sizes that are larger but I also have gotten smaller. It has been fun to be able to participate in this fashion trend with my friends because I have never been able to do that before, this is new. So the second reason I mention this is because my friend who was coming to visit me came with gifts! She had brought me some clothes from this fashion line. I was not at all surprised by my friends generosity, she is always giving. I was however surprised and excited that the gift was clothing! I am so excited because it has been at least 25 years (probably longer) since anyone has been able to buy my clothes. You are not gifted clothing when you are obese. So it was very exciting.
NOW..... that all sounds great right? It was. It was amazing! What was even more exciting and unexpected was the fashion theme continued  as we went out to grab a bite to eat and while out we stopped by a clothing store and had fun looking around and finding a few great deals, but then to my surprise we found a shirt that we both loved and actually came in sizes that worked for both of us! WHAT??? Of course she bought a size that was bigger than her normal size but she wanted it to be a little oversized for how she was going to wear it. Regardless I could not believe after 35 years of friendship we were buying our first matching shirt! I was so excited. I know it may sound silly to you but if you have never been able to share something like that with someone you have no idea how fun and bonding it can be.
All this fashion talk and clothing lead to another experience I have never had in my life and I swear I felt like a teenager, all giggly and girlie. We took pictures of us in our matching shirts! We wondered all around the house trying all sorts of things, being silly and laughing it was just a totally different experience for me. Not the laughing and giggling, we do tons of that, the taking pictures with your BFF in matching shirts!
Then just when I couldn't imagine another new experience, the next day since I had these new clothes my friend decided I needed to have a photo shoot (I needed picture for contest with the Lula Roe, ask I will tell you more about it) Anyway she did my hair and my make up and then we did multiple photos in multiple outfits. We did some inside and outside , styling the clothes. It was so fun and just pure joy. We did this for a few hours, time flew...
Towards the end of it all I realized I had never really had a experience like this with someone taking photos of me and me feeling so good in my clothes and so confident and not even one once apprehensive. We just laughed and were creative and had so much fun. To have this experience with my friend of 35 years and being 54 years old, I just realized how many things I still have to experience with my new life and health. I also realized how great it was to have new experiences with someone after 35 years of friendship. I can never fully express my appreciation and love for my BFF who gifted me clothes and another great "first" experience. It was amazing to feel girlie, cute and silly, while being care free , in the moment and so filled with JOY!


So I want to encourage those of you on a health journey of your own, keep it up. There are so many things that you may have missed out on in life but it is never too late to experience them. I look forward to so many new experiences, I can't wait.

Those of you with overweight friends and family members, please be sensitive and do not assume we are ok with all the situations we end up in, we often just keep quiet.... It seems easier. I also would encourage you to remember how many things we have never done because of our size, so we may not be turning you down because we don't want to go or do something we may just be afraid of the unknown and embarrassing ourselves or worse getting hurt.
Thanks for listening and BFF, Thanks again for being so awesome! Your generosity and love are always such a joy to experience. I Love you! 

Joy Wins !

Just last week I was sharing some frustrations in my update and even said "pain from my hip is winning over the joy of the success".  Well this week the Joy has won!
Some of the details I left out previously is I am now also working on a shoulder injury and I did see a second Orthopedic surgeon for that and for a second opinion on the hip, but I digress. I want to focus today on the joy that happened and I mention the second injury because the Joy is a direct result of that injury and my physical therapy for it.
So after being worked on by my Physical therapist , who is amazing by the way, she set me up to do some exercises on the equipment there. So I am introduced to the TRX, I have seen this contraption before but never imagined I could do anything with it. So she shows me what to do with this and inside my head I am thinking..."Seriously... do you see who you are talking to??" then as she continues to explain which muscles I should be focusing on and how to properly use them she also explains to me one of the things about this TRX is you are using it with  your own body weight..."again inside my head I am thinking to myself.... SERIOUSLY... you know my weight! Is this a good idea?".
Despite my hesitation I have complete trust and faith in my PT so I do it.  (seriously she rocks, if you need a PT let me know I will tell you where to find her!)
Anyway,  NO it was not easy, but I did my 3 sets of ten, not much but baby steps right.
SO fast forward to the next day.......... OMG I did not think I was going to be able to lift my toothbrush let alone anything else, I was so sore. My first thought was oh man I hope I did not over do it, then as I was taking note of what my body was feeling I realized something.
 The thing  I noticed is what brought me such Joy this week.
Taking stock of my body  I realized what I was feeling was "SORE"!
OK I get it you are like Duh, of course you were sore....
Let me say it again and see if you get it.... I was SORE..... 
For most this would not seem like a big difference but for me it is huge, I was sore, NOT in pain.
This soreness I was feeling was like an old friend. It was a feeling I have really REALLY missed. That feeling of sore muscles after a good workout. Believe me when I say it is a totally different feeling than Pain. Especially the Pain I have been dealing with that interrupts daily life including sleep and work. Pain that causes a silent tear to run down my face. This was so different and so welcomed.
I never thought I would be that person but I am, I MISS WORKING OUT. I miss that feeling of sore muscles after a good workout. SO that was my JOY this week, feeling sore muscles. My body was sore but thankful to remember that my muscles do work and they will continue to work and help me to get stronger everyday.

Shout out to my PT, you know who you are... Thank You for being such a Rock Star. Thank you for being patient with me as I ask a million questions. Thank you for explaining things to me in a way I can understand without talking to me like I am a idiot (I hate when medical professionals do that)
Most of all, Than You for being a good person, a hilarious person, a kind person a Unicorn!
I am honored to know you and privileged to be able to work with you! THANKS

Perserverance

So I haven't written in a while and I realized that despite the success I have had in the last year the struggle remains. I also realized that when the struggle is at a peak I tend to withdraw , hence no entries to the blog. I will be working on that because when I withdraw it is not healthy for me and I believe for many of us when we withdraw is when we succumb to old behaviors and patterns. So moving forward I welcome inquiries from any of you if you don't hear from me or don't write for a while. I do know accountability helps me to break old habits including the one of withdrawing when the struggle is winning.
What is the struggle... everything... Life.




If there is anything I have learned on this journey it is weight issues are life issues.
Any addiction is a life issue. All of us have issues, wonder what your addiction is? Anyway...

Life is a Joy and Life is a struggle! We can't separate the two! Sometimes the struggles seem greater than the joys and other times the Joy wins over the struggle, so goes the dance.
So in May I had my year appointment after bariatric sleeve surgery. I got rave reviews and plenty of kudos for the 100 pounds I have loss. While the wonderful staff were all excited, inside I was unimpressed not because I did not feel successful but because the pain from my hip is winning over the joy of the success. This is a danger zone for me. I know my patterns after almost 14 years of this journey and when I start to see the joy being overshadowed by pain, be it physical or emotional (usually both because they are connected) I fall into bad patterns of depression and then comforting with food. SO again while I recognize my patterns and I can interrupt the patterns with different choices the struggle is still very real and alive.
To update, I had a cortisone shot about 8 or so months ago and it actually helped relieve a lot of the pain. It was not 100% but it was enough I was not in tears from pain on a daily basis, I was able to sleep longer than an hour or two at a time, so it was significant. Around the time I was coming up on my year after surgery it started to wear off. For a few weeks the pain began to grow and it was obvious the shot was wearing off. Long story so fast forward to result of it all, I still have no surgery date for the hip but I got another cortisone shot. It has not fully kicked in like the last one but it is better and hopefully getting better each day. My biggest frustration is while the shot helps it is not enough that I can start back with my exercise regimen. This is the hard part and actually if I am honest it scares me too.
This scares me because I know my body well enough now to know that at different stages of weight loss it get comfortable and stops working at its highest capacity, it plateaus. This is normal and expected and what i have learned that is when you change-up your diet or exercise to jump-start your metabolism or trick it, so to speak. However with a "sleeve stomach" I really can not change my diet much and with a bum hip I can not exercise much, not like I was before which was 3 to 5 times a week. So fearing the plateau is also real. What is one to do???

So the Struggle is real, yet I will persevere because it is what I do. I will fight to have the joy shine brighter than the struggle. I will continue to keep the struggle in its place but also acknowledge that the struggle is real because denying it is to fall back into patterns that I do not want to visit again.

There is so much more to add but I am going to stop here for now and just encourage anyone who has questions ro comment to feel free to do so. You can leave comments or questions as an anonymous person without having to sign up for blogger, but if you do please leave your name in the body of your comment so I know who you are.
Thanks again for all the support and encouragement.
Peace to all of you as you face your struggle, and never lose sight of the joy in you life, appreciate the little things, and hang in there.

Humility

I would like to think in general I am a humble person, but who knows others may think differently.
Regardless I have recently been reminded to always remain humble because before you know it , just as you start to feel a little prideful, something happens to knock you back down and remind you that like everyone else you are human and fallible. Finding that balance of confidence and humility is tricky at times as I recently was reminded.
So lately it seemed I had been receiving a lot of compliments. I lot of people noticing and commenting on my weight loss and how far I have come yada yada yada.....
I am always a little surprised at first when I get a compliment because I am always in the "struggle" or on the "journey" so I am not focused on that from which I came, but more where I am headed. So the comments are always reminders of how far I have come and I always appreciate the feedback and compliments. However there has been a couple times  when I get several compliments in a row or several in a short amount of time and I start to a little ego boost, which is a good thing until you cross that ever so thin line.....  to plain old egotistical and cocky (not to be confused with Kocky, some of you will get that!)
So this last week I had a very brief moment where I crossed that damn line. I was feeling great, looking good, strutting around like I was all that, OK that might be exaggerating a little but in my mind I was feeling that cocky confidence. Well I went to Physical therapy and while I did struggle, I was very proud of myself because I was pushed / challenged and I met the challenge. Now for purposes of this Blog entry I am going to tell you all what happened but please keep in mind this is very revealing and  a little embarrassing but it is part of the process and one of those things people don't like to talk about or admit so I am going to go there! (Be gentle with me!) LOL
So during my Physical therapy appointment we were discussing things I could do to help with lower back pain due to my bum hip and over compensating and such. Well my physical therapist was describing something to me and then asked me if I wanted to get on the floor and try it. OKAY... let me first explain the physical therapy is done in a open room much like a gym where there are several tables and machines that many people are using all at the same time, SO... she is asking me to get on the floor in a room full of people. I look at her like she just asked for my right arm and said "UMmmmmm NO!" and gave her a little look of disbelief that she would ask such a crazy thing. Once she realized my obvious discomfort she very kindly and politely asked me if I would try in the room with the door shut.
Based on my trust in her I said yes....

Now I understand some of you are thinking this is insane and you have no idea what a huge deal this is for me because you can easily get up and down off the floor. Well for the record and some perspective, I honestly can not even remember the last time I got down on the floor. I actually avoid the floor because my fear is I couldn't get up, at least not without help. (Those of you who can, never underestimate the little things in life) I not only avoid the floor but I avoid furniture that is low to the ground too. These are some of the things that I have to think about because of my weight / size. Anyway, so I went with her to the room and clumsily found my way down to the floor. She showed me some exercises using a roller and I was able to do them and I actually liked them and saw how they would be helpful, but then the realization set in that I had to get up off the floor and I had no idea how I was going to do that.
So the time came to get up and I moved over close to the therapy table and sort of awkwardly rolled over to my knees and braced myself on the table and used my upper body strength to pull myself up.... It was not pretty at all. Thank Gawd my physical therapist is a kind and gentle woman. I did it! I got down and I got back up!

Am I ready to do it again... Hell No! Not for a while at least.

So the whole experience was humbling and reminded me that while I have come so far I still have so much more to go. I was encouraged by my own tenacity but I was humbled my my limitations too. What added to my humbling was the fact that a few days later I noticed my shins were hurting and all bruised up and at first I couldn't figure it out, until it then dawned on me.... My legs were bruised from me getting down n the floor and back up again. DAMN! My poor body! What have I done to it?! So the entire experience was humbling and also encouraging at the same time. While I believe with all my heart and mind that we have to be positive and believe in ourselves and the encouragement is crucial to our success, I also believe we have to remain humble and never grow complacent .... Life is work, Life is a constant challenge, Life is a beautiful journey.
Thanks for listen and letting me share a little of mine with you.

FOOD IS NOT THE ENEMY!

I have come to learn that food is not the enemy in ANYONE's weight journey. NO matter what your issue with your weight, you can't blame food IF you ever want to Heal and get Healthy.
I am constantly reminded of this, number one, mistaken belief when I have a week like this week.
We often put the blame on food when we have weight issues. Food is really the hero in these situations and not the enemy. Food is life giving and life preserving. It is our own personal thought processes and/or emotions that are the enemy.
So this week was rough. The best way to give you a perspective without boring you with the details is to share that on Thursday this week I was sitting at my desk and I started having this weird thing happen with my vision. I was seeing flashing , moving, flickering lights in the periphery of my line of sight. I ignored it at first but when it did not stop I was a little concerned. Of course you start to run through all the things you have heard, it's a stroke , your going to pass out, etc...
Now normally I steer clear of Web MD but I was growing concerned and had to see what I could find. I got to the point that I was trying to decide if I needed to tell someone and seek help before something happened and perhaps I was unable to speak. (yes, it was scary)
SO Web MD quickly verified one option I considered, Ocular Migraine. Yes it is a real thing, look it up. Short version... It wasn't a stroke, basically it was a short lived reaction/symptom of stress. In all of my life I don't think I have been that stress before that I was having physical reactions. I of course have emotional reactions but as a Social Worker with excellent blood pressure I am a unicorn, but you all know that already and I digress.....
So that was my week...  Once I realized what was happening I also started to look at the week as a whole and realized that I had eaten more crap (sorry no other words for it) this week than I had in many , many , many years. Even with my tiny new stomach I still ate crap, just not very much, thank goodness. It was this process that made me realize or more accurately remind me that my issues with my weight are not about food but always about my emotions.
We can try to fool ourselves and say things like," I am just a foodie and love food" , or "I just can't afford to eat healthy", "I don't want to cook two different meals all the time, one for me and one for my family", "I eat how I was raised", there are ENDLESS excuses and/or reasons we can come up with to explain or weight issues. Most of our reasons point the finger at Food or sometimes others but ultimately no one, no thing is responsible for the situation we find ourselves in when dealing with our weight except ourselves!



So while this week sucked...  I am grateful for the reminder that this journey is mine and I AM RESPONSIBLE for it!  My journey is not about food, but about my personal emotional healing and health. So I pick myself up and continue to look at my habits, and look for adding even more tools to deal with my stress because I am choosing to stop using food as my scapegoat.

So all that being said I also have been stressed or concerned about the numbers, same old story I know.... anyway, I wanted to let you know that from my highest recorded weight at the surgeons office (not the pre-op weight they use) I am officially down 100LBS!!! YEAH!!!! Another milestone, I am in the "2's" for the first time since probably high school !  So I am moving forward and getting closer to the hip replacement. Approximately 35 lbs more until I can have hip surgery so I am anxious to get it off and get that done! That is my update for now.






Thanks for stopping by , please feel free to ask questions , you can do that here or message / email me.