HI! Well at least I have not waited a whole year this time to write but again I have not been as diligent as I hoped to…………………..Press on. So, that past few months have been interesting, still on the roller coaster but there definitely has been a bit of a shift or two! I am actually excited about the upcoming New Year and leaving this one behind, that being said I do still have some anxiety and nervousness as well, but I will “Deal”. So my battle with being vulnerable is quickly going to be thrusted upon me to face as I have recently received some good news, but before I go into that I want to tell you about an interesting process I have been going through. As many of you know I have been talking about, researching, pondering and well ….. Fretting over the idea of excess skin removal. Several factors to “weigh” (see what I did there? LOL) So.... Do it now? Do it later? (meaning after more weight loss). As with any research I found opinions on both sides, so logically I think, “Hmmm, I probably need to get a real, live, and certified professional opinion.” O.K. So I need a consult….. More research, more time passes, because yes….. All I can imagine is the pain of being vulnerable AND with a person I do not even know??? Why would I do that? Why would I want the opinion of a person I do not even really know and who does not know me? Oh yea, it is their job! Well why would I want to discuss one of the most personal, and at times embarrassing, things ever with some one I do not know or trust? Oh yea, it’s their job? Clearly you can see I work hard at talking myself out of being vulnerable and going to those places that are not comfortable! I am good at it! However then I am reminded that this mind set is exactly how I got to be as heavy as I did. Ignoring painful and/or difficult topics and issues only creates more problems, be it an unpaid parking ticket or a weight issue. So while I know this logically....... I still procrastinated (I am such a chicken sh*t). Thankfully a dear friend of mine has been watching and discussing this process with me and bravely took it upon herself to go ahead and schedule me a consult with a plastic surgeon. Now while that sounds a bit crazy at first, I have to say it was likely the best gift ever. Since we had discussed weight issues and all the other issues surrounding the topic, (including my discomfort with being vulnerable and relying on others), I think it became clear to her I was going to have many reasons why I should wait, or I would come up with some new excuse (Like I said, I am good at it). She also knew I had spoken a lot about accountability and support, and hers this time came in the form of scheduling a consult. (Thanks Lady ) So as I continue on the Journey I am reminded of something I know well but rarely put into practice myself, to build trust you must be vulnerable. I do know this as I consider one of the greatest gifts someone can give you is their trust, yet I struggle with giving it to others. I know this is a struggle for me because it means becoming vulnerable (there’s that word again, ugh). I am also learning that when I do push through the struggle of being vulnerable good things often do come as a result. It really is not fair of me to withhold my trust, it is not doing me any good and it is not allowing others in my life to experience with me that gift. So for that I apologize, and to those who have tried and have run into the walls that I built out of fear, I truly am sorry. I am working on this and while I will not be signing up for any reality shows to air my pain and vulnerability, nor will I spill my guts or run right out and ask for help, it is in my awareness. I will continue to shift the fear of being vulnerable with the joy of feeling supported and building trusting relationships.

WHATEVER!

Well Clearly I have managed to spend almost an entire year avoiding this “Stuff”! Where has time gone? All I know is I have had a interesting Roller Coaster year and it is not over yet, so the question before me is how will I handle it? How will I react? Will I throw in the towel? So I have managed to dodge the accountability I was seeking in January, not sure how but I have…… What I “believe” I am experiencing is really a battle within myself, to be or not to be….. Vulnerable. This seems to be a repeat theme in my life and as of late I am getting hit with this choice in nearly every aspect of my life not just my health. I think I have gone several rounds and won some but lost others, I think it is currently tied and I approach the last round where my choices, reactions, behaviors and feelings will either lead me to throw in the towel or get over myself and move forward. In my head I know there really is no choice here but in my heart, in my daily life it is not as clear cut…… Moments oh the moments! So again I will put out there the permission as well as call to hold me accountable, but more directly not with just writing more often about this journey but also about my outlook, perspective and choices. Part of the reason I logically know there really is no choice is because of the love and support of my friends, I know at this point none of you would allow me to back slide so far I loose myself as much as I have previously, however it is those daily moments and those moments alone with my thoughts that the battle is much bigger then it needs to be. So in the effort of truth, accountability, support, growth and more….. Let me be specific about some areas I am currently battling with…….Actually I think I will keep it simple as everything I would put on the list seems to come down to one issue, which is my discomfort with feeling vulnerable. It really knocks the wind out of me… I have felt vulnerable in my living situation, financial situation, work situation (really mostly the environment), health and wellness situation and personal (which is everything else I guess) So in a word …….. AAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! O.K. So there are my current thoughts…. Feedback, comments, concerns, jokes Kath

SOS

Hello, I know it has been a while since I have written….. This should probably tell you something! As I was looking back over the past year and thinking about this next year several thoughts came to my mind but the most important thing I want to share today is a request to all who read this…… Based on what I have (and continue to) learn about myself, I need ACCOUNTABILITY! As some of you may know this is a “Button” of mine and clearly because it is something I need. While I feel in general I am good about taking personal responsibility for my choices and actions the one thing I seem to fail at is asking for help, asking for and allowing myself to feel support is a constant struggle for me. I am working on allowing others to do for me as well as asking for that which I need, UGH! This is hard but what I have learned from my experience of giving and supporting is that those who do not allow me to support them, or those who do not accept accountability from me are not only denying me a gift of giving but also denying us both a chance at a deeper, more real relationship. When I am allowed to be supportive and encouraging as well as challenging (in the form of loving accountability) I feel honored and more importantly I feel close to the person receiving it, this is a gift to me. So what I realized is by not asking and not allowing other to do this for me I am denying them a gift as well, and I am certainly not one to deny anyone a gift! J It is just hard when that gift comes in the form of “Being there” for me….. (Clearly my issues) All that being said ………. I am putting myself out there and offering us both a chance at a gift! I need Accountability. Now this sounds a bit ominous, but it is simple. I realize after not having written the past few months that when I don’t write I am not being as conscientious of my process. This really just a nice way of saying …… when I don’t write I can’t be accountable so I can be in denial (by choice)! I do not want to do that….. I want to be able to own up to my choices, to learn from my choices AND be accountable for my choices! This is where you come in…….. I am at a point in this process where I find it becoming more and more easy to get frustrated and want to throw in the towel. Obviously this is not an option I am willingly going to choose so I am stepping out of my comfort zone and heralding for assistance. PLEASE ask me when my next blog entry will be coming if you do not see one every few weeks, Please ask me how it is going if you hear nothing about my journey from me or my blog, Please ask questions about things you want to hear about, Please ask questions about my progress, process, thoughts, ideas, ANYTHING. Also Please feel free to suggest topics …. Please share your insights, observations, wisdom. Please share your personal struggles, concerns or issues with the topic of health and well being. (This is not just about weight!) So that is it for today…. ACCOUNTABILITY! I need it, I am asking for it! (What the H*ll am I thinking????) LOL Thanks in advance for all your support! Kathryn P.S. Disclaimer; PLEASE DO NOT confuse this plea for accountability as not feeling supported. I deeply appreciate and do feel the support! This is specifically in relation to my writing about the process. I have felt support all along but realize for me I am more accountable if I am writing, maybe something about having it down in words works for me? I do know being able to go back and see what I have struggled with, conquered and where I have come from helps me to keep things in perspective which as many of you know I do believe perspective is everything! Thanks again