Hi, so it has been a long time since I have written anything but I recently have had an experience that has reminded me that while I have come so far personally, I am still an obese woman in a culture that despite its high obesity rate, still judges me and is not always accepting.
After a wonderful vacation with lifelong friends who are supportive and accepting of me I was relaxed and riding high off the love we share when that all came to a screeching halt in a matter of moments. Knowing people may be uncomfortable being seated next to a large person I made a decision years ago that I would do my part by smiling at the people boarding and make eye contact to hopefully let them, non verbally, know I was O.K. hopefully they will be at least a little less uncomfortable. This thought that it may be easier for people to be comfortable if I was comfortable was clearly not the situation this time.
So smiling at the people as they board a handsome fit young man, late 20’s early 30’s, stops at the seat next to me and begins to put his bag under the seat and he says “Hi”, but never makes eye contact, I respond with a pleasant “Hello” and smile at him trying to make eye contact but that never happened. He sits down and from the get go is very fidgety and seems uncomfortable but at this point I am not assuming it is because of me, (because after all I am cute , smart and funny,) but perhaps his anxiety about flying or something else going on in his life. He pulls out a magazine and tries to read but never stops fidgeting in his seat, scooting back and forth, leaning forward then sitting up constantly moving in his seat. So I surrender to the fact that we are likely not going to be having any pleasant flight conversation and I let him continue to attempt to get involved in his magazine and give up trying to make eye contact.
This behavior continues as the plane takes off and we get going………..Then the fasten seat belt sign goes off and before the little “bing” sound can even fade this man unbuckles and gets out of his seat. Again not thinking anything of it I enjoy the view from above and then I see from the corner of my eye he doesn’t go anywhere when he gets up but to the row behind us and across the isle to talk to the man in the isle seat. Still not thinking a thing other then maybe he knows him but that is strange why wouldn’t he have spoken to him until now if he knows him? Hmm? Oh well.
Then he comes back to his seat starts to reach under the seat for his bag and then he taps me and nods his head in that “hey” kind of way, never making eye contact yet again, and he proceeds to the row where he spoke to the man in the isle seat, he climbs over him and takes the open center seat. WHAT???? Now I am starting to think, oh my…. Maybe this is about me. So I notice him putting his nose back in the magazine and it becomes obvious he does not know that man on the isle but was simply asking him if he could sit in the open seat between him and the man in the window seat. OUCH!
I have to be honest it was like a dagger to my heart! Am I so repulsive that this grown man would rather seat in the middle seat (no one wants the middle seat) between two other men then next to me? REALLY?
So being truthful…….. I was so hurt by this action and became so emotional I almost began to cry. It was the first time in a long time I have felt so vulnerable, insecure, ashamed and embarrassed about who I am. Every negative moment and/or bad situation I ever experienced in relation to my physicality in this world came rushing back to me along with all the feelings. Although it was a passing experience this was not something I would wish upon anyone….. Ever. However….. Thankfully it did not last, in its full intensity, for very long.
Quickly I was reminded of something…… HEY….. I AM…. CUTE, SMART AND FUNNY!!!
This is not about me… I was not the one who was uncomfortable, I was not the one who felt the need to change seats, I was not the one unable to make eye contact with another human being. Once I remembered this I started to actually feel some empathy for this man. How insecure must he be to feel so uncomfortable with another human being based on their physicality? This made me a little sad for him.
I was validated that this incident was not about me when I saw this man later at the baggage claim carousal and observed him in an interaction with another man who was …. Well let’s just say, socially awkward. My ex-travel mate was very dismissive of this clumsy young man as he tried to make small talk with him at the baggage claim and again, while not about the socially challenged young man it seemed uncomfortable for both of them and I hoped he (the clumsy one) would either be oblivious to the awkwardness or not personalize the other mans behavior. This Young handsome fit man clearly has some unresolved pain or issues that cause him to behave in this way, so I was reminded that EVERYONE, regardless of appearances has a story and we can not assume anything about others including that their behavior or choices have anything to do with us. I can not personalize others behaviors, it’s not about me.
My wish for all of us is that we keep this in mind when dealing with challenging situations and that we understand it is up to us to take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves and find our value and worth in ourselves and not rely on society or others to give us that gift.
Sending much love to all, K
