Marching Forward!

So................ the gym saga continues. The good news is I have forced myself to move forward & join a new gym. I am signed up & committed for the next 15 months. That being said ...... Ever notice how when you struggle with something it seems every corner you turn there is another challenge? Well this has been no different. It seems every time I would take a step forward there would be another barrier challenging me to see if I was really going to follow through or if I was going to let outside forces determine my destiny. I won't bore you with the details but lets just say after talking to several people and being told a plethora of things I have had to just bite the bullet and make a decision based on what is in my best interest and not on what I was being told by others. I had to agree to things different from what I was told originally, different from what would have made the choice easy. So ultimately it came down to me deciding what was in "MY" best interest on a whole. This of course, as most of you know, is not something that comes naturally for me. So weighing (pun not intended but appropriate) the facts against my needs lead me to my new gym. Was it the best deal? Not really. Was it the best facility? Not really. Was it the best choice for me? Absolutely! So I am now a member of Chico Sports Club. I have yet to come to a place where I am confident and comfortable, but I am going. I even went and worked out in the pool (which is outside) in the cold and yes... rain. This has been a interesting additional challenge to my commitment since at my old gym the pool was indoors, so the excuse of weather was not an option, whereas now it is easy to say it is too cold or windy or rainy..... SO......... The commitment is in constant challenge. That being said I am forging forward and slowing beating the challenges, facing them, removing them one by one. I do have to say that I could not do this alone. I have been blessed with some great support, in many forms. One of which are my dear friends, who were also members at the old gym, they have met me outside in front of the gym so we could go together. I know this sounds silly but it has been helpful. It is just enough support to get me past the flood of people who I am not yet completely comfortable with and still have some anxiety about parading past. Also it is someone to talk to while waiting for a instructor before class and standing around the pool. It is great accountability, making it harder to use those seemingly justifiable excuses for not going. So forward I "splash" on! So the other part of this has been paying attention to my relationship with food. It is sort of like thumb sucking or a pacifier for a baby. It is Comfort. So to feel all this anxiety and know that chocolate cake would make it all better (or so we tell ourselves), it is hard to resist going there.... I mean especially in the moment it makes sense... right? So being aware and observing my process makes it easier to know if I make a food choice, that may not be the best, at least I know why I am doing it and it is a choice and not a mindless destructive path. It also makes it easier not to punish myself, because as easy as it is to make a "unhealthy" choice it is just as easy to make a "healthy" one the next time! So onward I march.... facing the anxiety, plowing through the uncomfortableness looking forward to coming out the other side!

Gym Greif

HI, Here again in the midst of processing life and the journey. As I have been dealing with or at times trying to avoid dealing with my grief over the loss of my gym many thoughts race through my mind. For starters I am reminded that it is not just me but as a culture / society we are not taught how to manage grief. Loss is not something we are equipped to experience but rather manage and bury somewhere in hopes it will leave us alone and not rear its scary painful head. Yet the question remains "How's that working for you?". It doesn't. When life presents us with a loss we simply are taught to literally put it in a box and bury it. Someone dies and we have a short small event to "honor" the person and our loss, then we close the lid of the box and bury them, along with our feelings, as if that is the end of it....... If only it was that simple. As we all know we carry that loss in our hearts, the pain we try to bury is still there and yet we are not taught how to truly experience it, feel it, be with it. Instead we attempt to manage it, try not to look at it too close, feel it too deeply. Other cultures have lengthy, detailed rituals for experiencing loss. Why do we work so hard to avoid it, to deny the pain, to fast forward through it? Personally I think when it comes to loss we are emotional cripples as a culture / society. That being said I am trying to do it different. Equating any loss, be it a person, relationship, job, home or yes a gym, Loss is loss and should be honored as well as experienced.......... i.e. felt and grieved. So I am in this process with my gym situation. It is a loss. A huge loss for me. For many it may seem silly but I have worked so hard to find a "safe" place that I can be myself, feel comfortable, be accepted and supported while striving to improve myself both physically, personally and emotionally. So this is a huge loss for me, one deserving of my time and energy, to feel, experience and not to put in a box and bury with all the feelings attached to my experience. Let me say here while I do "know" logically that my "safe" place is something I carry with me and comes from inside myself, I do also exist in a world with others. I am human and therefor sometimes affected by others in this world. I am not exempt from noticing others reactions to me, the stares, the mumbles under the breath, the judgements. Ultimately that stuff doesn't matter, but existing in this world with others means having to be exposed to it and figuring out how to process and interpret it. While I will continue to work on this, a part of it, for me, is honoring and acknowledging that I have done it once and I will do it again. I am confident that I can again create a gym experience that feels "safe". In order to do this I must honor and grief my first experience and the loss of it. So I am feeling , experiencing and processing this loss. It is interesting how it seems to cause me some stress, coming out in my body (as most stress does). Having a back ache, being in physical pain seems again just another way to be distracted from feeling the emotional pain. I don't think it is a coincidence we tend to see a lot of health issues in people who have a lot of stress, including loss. Considering that part of how I have managed stress the past few years has been through exercise and my time at the gym, of course now with no gym , it is no surprise my body is taking it on physically. Since I really do not want to do this to my body and I am confident food has been another old way I managed stress and certainly I do not want to go back there....... I will feel the pain and grieve the loss no matter how uncomfortable it will be, but I will do so knowing I will come out the other side with a positive memory of where I started and how much I have grown as a part of that experience, forever grateful for my first "safe" gym experience.