Challenging Holidays

Challenging Holidays....

So we all experience over eating on holidays, it is almost expected of us. We plan for it by wearing our loose fitting or elastic wasted clothing, schedule couch time using football or It's a wonderful life as a excuse to be a sloth and so many other things. This is just ingrained on our culture, so with a new smaller stomach how does one do these holidays? Well since it has been a while let me back up to Halloween which seems to start our three to four month decline and unraveling of the rest of the years hard work.
Halloween is not so hard for me, except during high stress times at work because everyone has candy at their desk free for the taking. Then there is the office Halloween fund raiser where people can send you "Spooky Grams" . These are tasty little treats your coworkers/friends can send you as a little special acknowledgement. Of course I don't want to throw those away because it is so thoughtful and kind and it would be just rude not to eat it... RIGHT? Let the games begin.... Guilt.
Yes we feel Guilt if we eat it , we feel the guilt if we do not... Oy Vey! I often ask myself what is it about guilt that we give it so much power and control in our lives? I will save that for a BOOK! LOL  Anyway, so Halloween, I get several Spooky Grams and had a couple high stress days and found myself eating some candy which is not great for anyone but for someone with limited space in their stomach, these treats take up space AND have no nutritional value so I not only get the bad sugars and carbohydrates but rob myself of the protein and other nutrition I need. Thankfully I did not stay home and pass out candy on the actual Halloween night because that is always a excuse to have a candy or two, so that was one good thing this year, I did not do that. I actually did pretty good making it through Halloween considering in the past it has been one of the hardest with so much candy floating around.

NEXT for me and probably the hardest for me.... NO not Thanksgiving... I have my Birthday before Thanksgiving. My Birthday is probably the hardest holiday for me because that override switch gets flipped. You know the one... It's MY BIRTHDAY and I get to do whatever I want including eat unlimited amounts of crap. The other part of my Birthday that makes it such a challenge is everyone wants to give you things you like or make things for you that they know you like. Well nothing was different this year. HOWEVER, I can say that while I had WAY TOO much sugary sweets around my birthday, I never over did it in one sitting. What I mean is Yes I had a cupcake but only a third of it at a time. Yes, I had some awesome decadent flourless chocolate tort cake, but only a tiny sliver at a time. SO yes I had way too much sugar over a few days BUT I did not over do it in any one sitting. I felt this was a success for me, but next year I will try to take it the next step and focus on some sugar free treats!

After my birthday came Thanksgiving. This was so far the most successful Holiday for me in terms of food and eating. As always there was tons of food, more then any one family needs, but we all have every year. There was the classic "snack" foods that sit out all day to munch on while we wait for the turkey and fixings to cook. I managed to stay away from most of that with a exception of a stuffed mushroom (my sister in laws specialty I will never be able to avoid) and a slice or two of salami. Now both these choices included protein and neither were large amounts, very small and manageable as to not make me feel over full with my little stomach, and yet satisfied my need to snack as it was Thanksgiving! LOL I also managed to distract myself by spending lots of time hanging with the nephews and nieces playing games which was WAY more gratifying then eating until my stomach hurt.
Then when it came time for dinner I did a couple little things that helped. First I used a small (dessert size) plate that was probably a third of the size of the plates everyone else used. Then I made sure to take some of everything I wanted, YES everything, but here is the deal. For example I love stuffing but it is another one of those high carb / low nutritional value foods, but I like it so I took like two little pieces of stuffing, or one bite. I did this with all the things I like and then I made sure the majority of my food intake was the protein, turkey, which really is the best part anyway. This made it so I not only did not over eat, but I did not feel deprived like we often do when dieting. I also choose to sit at the "kid" table ( I put kid in parenthesis because the youngest person at the table was a teenager so they are hardly "kids" anymore, but I digress), I sat at that table one because the company is better, LOL, but also it was away from the table that had all the food on it or near it! Translation, removal of the temptation. It really was not bad at all. Yes I had bites of dessert later but overall I felt very successful at Thanksgiving because there was no over stuffed upset stomach for me, and no fights with the brothers either! LOL
So Christmas is on its way and I suspect I will have another successful food experience as I have made it through my most challenging holidays, but I will still emotionally prepare and strategize just in case as it is always better to have a plan then not. I am grateful for my new little stomach and all the support from the friends and family in my life. As I continue to move forward I will share updates.

Numbers update... at my last appointment, which has actually been over a month now so these numbers are probably different now, I was down 80LBS since my surgery in May. I should have another appointment in January and I will let you know my new numbers. According to the dietician/nutritionist I am right where I should be and making excellent progress. I am continuing to work with the physical therapist to get strong in preparation for hip replacement. PT is going well too, still planking! Increasing the number and how long I hold it! Everything else is going smoothly and no complications or problems as expected because I am a Medical Unicorn. I have always know this journey would be more of a intellectual and emotional one than physical one, even though technically the entire thing is physical. OK I am getting too deep now I am confusing myself.
Thanks for reading, please leave comments and /or ask questions
HAPPY HOLIDAYS

MORE NUMBERS

Where to begin??? SO many thoughts in my head I want to share. I might have to break it up into more then one entry, regardless I will warn you that what follows in this entry will likely be confusing and scattered. I hope you will be able to follow me as I share but trust me when I say I understand if none of this makes sense... because it doesn't to me either! COL (chuckle out loud)

OK... If you have read any of my previous entries you may have seen one or two or even three on "NUMBERS" . If you are new here all I need to say to you is ... Numbers are not my friend and I think I will be able to illustrate this with the story that follows of my recent experience.

So I had my six month follow up visit last week. I must admit I was actually anxious about it for a few reasons, all of which were NUMBER related. I couldn't help but be worried about how much weight am I down? (number) Am I in the range expected at this point? (number) How much have I lost since my last appointment? (number) Where is my BMI? (number) How much more do I need to lose to qualify for my hip surgery? (number) How do I compare to other sim month numbers?

SO as you can see all these thoughts led me straight to feeling anxious. It is also obvious to see that this is self induced. So my thoughts and obsession with the numbers sparked my anxiety regarding my progress and success. This is what I have spent 10+ years trying to avoid because it is (in my opinion) crazy making. So this numbers issue is real. I know everyone understands what I am talking about. We all have certain numbers we watch, look for, anticipate, obsess over and they all cause us anxiety until we see them, then typically they either excite us or disappoint us. SO when we hit certain numbers we cheer .... YEAH! When we see other numbers we cry, get angry, frustrated and/or often disappointed to the point of self sabotaging even further with doing something like eating something we shouldn't have, or over eating ... BOO!

 SO why do we put so much of our focus on these damn numbers? Especially when they potentially can cause so much pain and even a set back. So these are things I want to encourage and challenge you to think about if you are focused on the NUMBERS.
Ask yourself the questions... How am I feeling? If you are feeling good that is most important.
Have I been following  my plan/meeting my goals?  If you have then great! Feel good about that!
Why do I compare myself to anyone else? Are any of us exactly the same? Are there naturally going to be ups and downs along this journey? Are there going to be plateaus or stalls? Have I forgotten how far I have come? Do I give myself credit for all the hard work?

Be kind to yourself! Do not give the NUMBERS so much power. Keep in mind you are in charge, so when you are feeling anxious or frustrated, take a look at where your focus is... Then bring it back to the positive, You Can do this! You ARE doing it! You WILL be continue to be successful... CHOOSE IT! Choose Success and it is yours!

So I just wanted to share more thoughts on NUMBERS and I will let you all in on my appointment and six month update soon, I just had to get this stuff out first! Thanks for stopping by and please leave a comment and/or questions. Let me know you are here! THANKS

MOVING FORWARD

HI, so for the update first.  Well I went and got the shot in my hip. I was pleasantly surprised how little it actually hurt to get and then very pleased at the success of it. So I got the shot and within a couple of days I would say on a pain scale of 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest I was somewhere between a 2 and a 3. Then as more time passed the pain lessened down even further to somewhere around a 1 or 2 depending on the motion and the day. Needless to say I was really excited about this... until.... I over did it.
So part of my issue is when working out you are encouraged to "push through the pain", but exercise / workout pain is different from pain from a injury or issue like mine. So I made the mistake of trying to push through the pain one day. I had spent several hours sitting on a hard wooden chair and then walking a few blocks back and then walking back to the start. While I was feeling better due to the shot, I failed to remember that my bone on bone issue is still there and the shot is just covering up the pain it is not taking away the issue. SO when I sat for too long on a hard surface then walked too much I was in pain the next couple of days.
So trying to find the balance with feeling less pain and still taking it easy so that I do not throw myself back into that horrible pain. UGH... these are times I hate being a slow learner! LOL
Felling better I figured it was time to go back to physical therapy as well. SO I did discuss this with the Hip surgeon and he told me I could not do any more damage to my hip and that it really was only about how much pain I could take and if it was making things better/stronger or not irritating things and causing pain. OK well I will give it a try! So I got a referral and am heading back to physical therapy with the goal of strengthen my muscles and preparing for the hip surgery. I know the stronger all my supporting muscles are the quicker my recovery will be and the easier it will be as well. So I continue to move forward!




SO the journey continues........

Frustrations and excitements

                              

                                                  

So the journey continues! Finding the balance in life is always a challenge but even more so when I feel whiplashed at times between the frustration and the excitement.
Let me tell you about the frustration first as it seems to be taking on a bigger roll in my life these days. Despite the assumptions of everyone, including the medical professionals, my weight loss has not helped with the hip pain ... At All ! In fact it continues to get worse, more consistent throughout the day verses just certain times of day. Actually not only has it not gotten better with the weight loss , it gets worse by the day. What originally was sporadic shooting pain and pain making it difficult to sleep at night has over time turned into pretty much constant pain.
Anyway, seeing as how I have taken the advice I received from the hip surgeon, had the sleeve surgery and am losing weight at a faster pace then before I went ahead and scheduled another appointment with the hip surgeon. 
(SIDE NOTE: I have to confess as I am writing this I am becoming emotional, which again tells me how hard/ challenging this issue is for me... UGH!)
 I saw the hip surgeon on Friday and  well it was not what I wanted to hear or experience. Don't get me wrong the Doctor is a very kind man and excellent doctor, he just did not have the news I wanted to hear and when I tried to advocate for myself to be evaluated based on my history and not "statistics" there was no flexibility at all. SO bottom line is this... he absolutely will not do the surgery unless I at a BMI at 40% or less. (This is his hard line for all. BMI is a number based on height / weight ratio - or something like that! LOL) Once he calculated my numbers he said I have approximately 60 more pounds to loose. Now while I know that it is going to happen I am concerned about the timeline. I am concerned for many reasons, including insurance and share of cost , but mostly the amount of time I will continue to struggle with the constant pain.
I struggle with  talking about this because I do not like putting  energy or thoughts into the pain as it is such a negative part of my life.  I  want to focus on the positive. If I am being honest I also feel vulnerable due to the pain; it creates limitations I don't like and as I have talked about in other post I am not fond of feeling vulnerable at all.  However, that being said it is a part of my life and as you all know a part of me writing about this at all is to be honest and to be open for accountability and understanding.
So after the appointment and discussing options with the doctor it seems a cortisone shot in the hip might help with the pain and as much as I do not want to do it I feel like it is worth the pain of the shot if it will give me some relief for any amount of time. I also am going to schedule to see another surgeon to see if there is any flexibility.
Don't these people understand I am a Medical Unicorn? LOL



On the flip side, after the hip appointment I went upstairs to the bariatric doctors office to weigh in and got a new number! The girls in the office have also told me that is you are close, like within a pound or two you are allowed to round up! (They crack me up) Based on that philosophy, I am down 70 pounds. YEAH! I know it is going to slow down some at this point but it feels great so far and I will work at not being too disappointed when it slows down.
Also today I went to clothes store and was pleasantly surprised that I am in a 22/24 comfortably and I could not tell you the last time I was in that size... maybe college?
 It was nice to try on clothes and have them feel good, look good and be cute.

So I shall continue to look for the balance and march forward through the pain and focus on the excitement, knowing that this too will pass.

NUMBERS - AN EMOTIONAL RIDE

While this journey is a lot of things, and each of us has our own individual path there is one thing no one can deny that we all have in common and that is this, It is a emotional journey. So those of you who have ever struggled with any level of weight issues, be it 5 lbs or 105 lbs the emotional journey is the same, a roller coaster. It is always interesting (and annoying) to me how a few simple numbers can make or break a person's spirit. One day the numbers are down, yeah celebrate, feeling good, the sun is shining , Life is good. A day, two days maybe a week later, the numbers are up, the internal critic starts in with all the usual degrading messages, the day seems bleak, sadness or melancholy sets in, ALL effort is for naught.

I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about but indulge me while I share my experience today or more accurately, my process.

First please excuse my writing/grammar as I continue, and fasten your seatbelts because I am going to share what was going on in my mind today (It is scary , you have been warned).

So I had a appointment with NVSA (North Valley Surgical Associates) and as usual I am feeling pretty good, looking forward to seeing all the beautiful, kind smiling faces in the office. Of course the first thing we do is go to the scale (insert daunting music here). So the lovely woman weighing me of course has no reaction she just writes down a number. We go to a room and I ask, because I did not catch where it landed between the teetering two numbers, she tells me and I say so what does that make the total? (NOW.. quick little detour here , I had a Doctors appointment with my primary care Doctor just about a week ago and so I had the number 59 in my mind from that appointment , ok back to today.)

So she tells me 56lbs down ....

So the 15 or so steps from the scale to the room, the following went through my mind...

- 56 lbs? WHAT? How can that be ?

-They told me just last week a number and the total was 59lbs!?

- What did I do to gain 3lbs in a week?

-Maybe the scales are just off a little, I am sure each scale is different

-Of course the scales are different, one is the standard classic weigh balanced scale the other is digital, so it must be that...

-Why is it not down any in a week?

-What have I done "wrong" ?

-Maybe it is the heat, I do retain more water in this level of heat?

-I need to be exercising

-I am a failure

-I will never get this weight off

-Why bother?

                                                 -Who am I fooling?

WOW, YES all those thoughts in a short 15 steps to the room. Thankfully those thoughts temporarily subsided while I had a pleasant conversation with Kristin about many things far more interesting than my "numbers" dilemma . As I was leaving I got loaded up with samples and even got 2 tasty treats to try before purchasing anything. Not only that but two other gifts, a protein drink shaker and a reusable grocery bag to carry my stuff home in, I love this place! So my mind has a brief respite from the crazy I submit myself to over simple small numbers, however as soon as I leave and get to my car...  it is back on.

I get in my car to drive home and the negative, self deprecating messages resume and are quickly followed by those thoughts  that tell me "screw it, might as well just get a real milkshake and forget about the stupid protein shakes". (You are all nodding your head right now aren't you?!)

Thankfully I have been on this journey long enough I recognize this particular ride and I remind myself it is just a rollercoaster and I can get off, so I do. My turn around time with this process has gotten much shorter. Yes, I still engage in the crazy, but I snap out of it quicker now and as time goes on each time the turnaround gets a little faster and the whole process a little less intense.

So for the record, I did not get a real milkshake and of course went home and had a protein shake. I also stopped and put into perspective the whole numbers issue... 56lbs in three months is nothing to be ashamed of and trying to figure out why the two numbers were different , higher, lower whatever is missing the big picture and minimizing a more important fact...

I AM DOWN (according to the NVSA scale, LOL) FIFTY SIX POUNDS IN THREE MONTHS!

So I am choosing now to focus on the things I need to do differently and the fact that I am heading in the right direction with the help of some amazing people and support from amazing friends and family. I am Blessed!

SO to wrap it up, PLEASE if you have ever gotten all crazy over your numbers, let this be a reminder to you that we all do it and it is nonsense, you are not alone and there is no shame is sharing your process with other, in fact it is liberating and it puts in place some great accountability and support. Please be kind to yourself AND if you are one of the few who has not ever dealt with this struggle you definitely know someone who has, so hopefully now you understand a little better just how cruel we actually are to ourselves, how much we torture ourselves, so please be patient and love us through it.

Just want to Thank all my Friends, Family and Medical team for all the patience and support.

Please let me know you visited and share your story with me or ask any questions, Thanks.

Adjustments

As I sit here thinking about how quickly things can, and often do, change it makes me appreciate each moment because it is likely to different as I move to the next moment. This journey is nothing if not a constant learning experience. What is interesting to me is how those around me react / respond to the changes that are happening on my journey.
I have learn that with every change  I have to adjust to , there is a equal adjustment that has to be made for those in my life. So as things shift, change and rearrange I continue to try and explain what is going on for those who are either curious or concerned. It is important to me that people feel comfortable asking questions so they do not have to guess or wonder what it is like, what to do or say, or how to respond etc.

Some  interesting things that have been happening  are the variety of reactions to my quick weight loss. It has been different than in the past several years because my weight loss prior to the sleeve surgery was so slow,  people had time to adjust to my physical changes slowly. It really wasn't until the skin removal surgery that others really commented.  Now with the sleeve the weight is coming off much faster and people are noticing and the reactions have been so varied and interesting.
Some have come to me with great concern, "Is this healthy?" , "Are you o.k.?", "Is it normal to loose so much so quickly?", "Do you think you are loosing too much too quick?". So some  just do not understand and others actually have judgments based on their belief that it is not a healthy/natural way to manage weight issues. There is an occasional jealous remark, in jest of course but we know what they say about jest, "There is truth in Jest". There are those who spent the majority of our social interactions around food, going out to eat and such, so now that we are not eating together they do not know exactly how to connect or spend time with me.
So everyone around me has their own path/ journey to face if they choose to come along with me on this crazy trip. Some have chosen to stumble along side of me others to step back and withdrawal . The last choice is always confusing to me but it is one some choose.
I primarily wanted to bring this up so that anyone reading this can know I am totally O.K. with and and all questions. If you are curious about taking me along with the gang to brunch or lunch or a night out, just ask, we will figure it out together and learn the layout of the new ground together. I too am figuring out how to adjust to the changes and if there is anything I know it is there is no one answer to any situation.
So bring on the changes and let the adjusting begin!

Two Month Follow Up

HI, everyone and Happy Fourth Of July! I hope that you are all Celebrating all the great things you have in your life including your Independence.
So I wanted to let everyone know where I am at and what has been happening. So it has been just over 2 months since I had the surgery and so far everything has been going great. I made it through the liquid part just fine, no issues. Then did the "puree" stage, which took a little getting use to, mostly because there are not that many foods that are pureed or that you can imagine being pureed, so that stage took a lot more effort to commit to and to be creative with. Those of you who know me well know that when it comes to creativity and food I have ZERO skills! That being said I of course figured it out with a little help from my friends! I stuck to mostly soups and chili pureed, Thank goodness for a variety of soup and friends who brought me some!
SO my current food stage and the longest one until no limitations, I am in the soft food stage. So this is much easier because basically if it is soft I can eat it. So no raw veggies, no crunchy/sharp foods, which are usually not great for you anyway, you know those carbs...... Chips, crackers, pretzels etc....
SO I am settling in comfortably with the soft foods. I have eaten out a couple times and it was fine. It actually was nice because I am taking in so little I can just eat off my friends plates! hehehehe
So I have been learning to adjust to my new stomach, and while I have not had any of the issues many other have I am trying to figure out the sweet spot with portion size. I have done pretty good but am learning that some foods are more dense than others so they fill me up faster and some foods sustain me longer than others, so it is really about me learning / educating myself by listening to my body. It is interesting to me that 99% of the time it comes back to listening to our bodies. So I am listening, figuring out I need to slow down my eating and drinking. I have been full a couple times and it happens fast so I am working on slowing down. I have never once been hungry , but as we all know that doesn't mean cravings and urges go away because they are almost always emotional. So I also continue to pay attention to cravings and asking what am I trying to avoid? What am I stressed about?  Or why am I needing nurturing or comfort ?
All the things we use food for that really isn't it's job!
So all in all things with the surgery and my process has been great, my 2 month appointment I did weigh in and well..... I am a unicorn! Drum Roll please.........................


YUP , I am down 46 Pounds. I am sure it is going to slow down but what a great start! I can not wait until I can actually start exercising.
Speaking of exercise, as I have mentioned in previous entries I have not been able to exercise due to my Hip pain. I am pursuing information on when I will be able to get the hip replaced, as it is just getting worse, so my hope is I can get it done soon. So I would like to request that whatever it is you do when you are requesting the assistance of your higher power, prayer, meditation, mantra, request to universe, sing, dance use your jazz hands! Whatever you do Please send me your positive thoughts , and prayers and energy, as I am really needing to get this hip replaced as soon as possible, it is quickly becoming unbearable. So Thank You for your support and positive thoughts, I appreciate them all!
I will let you know how things are going..... If you have any questions feel free to ask and please leave a comment just simply letting me know you were here. Thanks Again!


With Love and Appreciation , Kathryn

PAIN.............. As I move along this journey I continue to learn all the time. I have recently learned that much of my experience with my weight journey is really no different from others journeys. Life lessons are life lessons no matter the vehicle (situation) from which we are learning the lessons.
I also believe Life will continue to give us situations to learn from until we "Get it".

SO first let me tell you that I am doing well as far as the Sleeve surgery is concerned. I have not had any problems. I survived the puree stage and am now in the soft food stage for the next few months and all is well. NO issues at all, other then readjusting my mind or more specifically my eye sight! LOL What I mean by that is there is a certain amount of adjusting to what is enough food and what looks like enough food! Anyway, it is working out and that is not what I want to talk about today.
I do have a follow up next week so I will give you more information and some numbers.

Today what is on my mind is pain. Physical pain. I know many people live with chronic pain. I do not know how people do it. I start to feel crazy, like I am losing my mind. I know I have talked about this before but having experienced a time with less pain and now moving back to that constant and unbearable pain it has me thinking. First of all those of you who know me well know I have a very high tolerance for pain and actually go through most days without ever speaking of or expressing anything regarding pain.  Many never know I am even in pain until they pay attention to how I move through the world.
Anyway, the last two days have been horrible. The constant pain on top of added pain making the pain totally unbearable has caused me to miss work and miss sleep and these things add up to me being a cranky  melancholy shell of myself.
I have talked about vulnerability in the past ,and yet here I sit again with this lesson before me still. This is a little different but alas the same. I am so resistant and flat out horrible at being vulnerable.
The last few days I have wanted to do nothing but lock the doors , shut the windows, turn off the phone and cry, yell and break things. One would think by now I would have learned to reach out to all the support I have and allow others to be supportive and encouraging, but stubborn as I am I don't. So I am writing about this because this is how I hold myself accountable while also reaching out. I also want others to know it is OK to be vulnerable, in fact it is the bravest thing you can do according to some. I know when I feel alone it is only my fault because I have some of the best support and love around me in the form of not only family and friends but also a awesome medical team.

SO ......... today I pick myself up and get back on the grateful train and I will speak with the medical professionals in my life and see what I can do about this pain until I am able to get the more permanent solution done. OH... If you are new to my blog, I should explain.... Short version, I have to have a Hip replacement and the physical pain I speak of is from my hip.
So thanks for stopping by and Please do not torture yourself and put yourself through the pain of feeling alone and frustrated out of fear of being vulnerable, reach out to those who love you and want to support you. Also there is a difference from being a complainer and needing  occasional extra support. That is another thing I do to myself... judge myself for having the pain and criticize myself IF I think about talking about my pain out loud! Sometimes I am ridiculous!

I am grateful and I will get through this like all things and hopefully I will learn this lesson so I can move on!
Please feel free to leave questions and comments. You can do it here, when it ask you to sign in just do it anonymously, (but leave name in the body so I know who is writing)
THANKS