In the Arena

HI, so it has been a while since I have written, which I am learning I can contribute in part to my fear of being vulnerable or in other words being Judged or Rejected. It certainly is not because I have nothing to say or have had no new developments, it is fear. So much thought, time and energy has gone into this topic this week and hence here I am. The short version for those of you skimming this………… I AM ENOUGH !

I had several opportunities this week to be vulnerable and there were moments I allowed myself to do just that and others when I held back and sat in the fear of “going there”. So having a week full of these opportunities provided me the chance to not only observe my behavior but to compare my thoughts and feelings in both situations. What I KNOW to be true is a couple things, First many of you may be glad to know (as I was) that you will not die if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. To this day NO one has ever died from being vulnerable. I also learned that the very thing we all desire, connection, only happens in a genuine way when we are vulnerable. I also experienced something very interesting, when I made the choice to be vulnerable and put the fear behind me, not only did I feel more connected but it also freed me up to feel and experience Joy. Yup Joy… Joy of connection, Joy of being seen, Joy of feeling courageous by being vulnerable………. And JOY is what I seek.

So if all this is true, the more vulnerable I allow myself to be does it follow the greater my Joy will be? I believe so, and I look forward to proving this truth to be so.

I also have observed that being vulnerable is not required of me in every situation , with every person. It is imperative we are careful when and where we show our vulnerability. Not everyone is ready or able to hold a safe place for me to be vulnerable, so I do have to be aware and choose when and where and with whom I am vulnerable. However I also can not use that as a excuse NOT to share with those whom are able and wiling to hold a safe place for me to be vulnerable. So I am working on this issue as it continues to come up for me, so just be aware that if or when you ask me how I am …. I just might tell you. IF you ask if I need help………. I just might need you. In return if I ask you either of these things please know I mean it and am willing to hold a safe place for you to be vulnerable and you do not have to give me a polite answer, I want to connect. Teddy Roosevelt said it best…… I will leave you with his quote below, but just know….. I am jumping in the arena.

Treadmill of Life, in the rain?

Have you ever felt like you were on a treadmill in life? Now I know that seems like a positive thing, right? Well sure if you are talking about exercise….. But not so much if you are talking about life progress! Perhaps I am a slow learner, as I currently feel as though I am on this treadmill working out, moving, being active, however getting nowhere. Now I know this in not the truth, but it is how I feel. So currently I am still dealing with the court/legal stuff hoping it should be coming to some sort of end here soon, but it still lingers like a gray cloud over head…… Just rain already!

Rain is not bad, but it “IS”. It is not ambiguous it is something that can be faced, dealt with, even appreciated. Rain is nurturing to the earth and we actually really need it right now…. As do I . I just need to move forward and have this legal stuff done, so I welcome the “rain” so I can learn, grow and move on to the next lesson. I know I will and am stronger because of it, but alas…….. Let it rain! So as this storm (Court) slowly passes other parts of the journey step forward. I find it interesting how connected all the steps of this journey are to one another yet bring their own lessons, blessings and challenges.

So this week I had my consultation with the Bariatric Surgeon, as recommended by the hip surgeon. (Oy Vey) So as mentioned in a previous entry this recommendation was a blow to my ego, which I fairly quickly had to get over because it is ridiculous to have the view point. I had to separate my accomplishments thus far with my current situation. All the hard work I have put in is not lessened by the current situation of possibly needing to have surgery. Who knew my ego was so fragile. It was a good lesson for me that everyone attaches their self worth to silly things, including myself. Somehow a part of me felt worthy or valued because of the hard work and success I had put in on my health without any surgery? That is ridiculous….

I can hear myself telling the hundreds of people I have come in contact with over the years “You are worthy and valuable, because you are” . So to honor my own words and practice what I preach I recognize my worth and value and refuse to attach any accomplishment to it. It just is! YEAH! So now I can step forward to the next part of the journey….. Meet with the surgeon.

So I had decided I was gong with a open mind and positive attitude despite my internal struggles with this whole idea of weight loss surgery after all these years because I now remember it is no reflection of my worth and/or value, nor does it take away from what I have done. So I go to the appointment and immediately hit it off with the girls at the front desk, then the nurse who comes to get me…. We are chatting, laughing having a nice conversation. I share some of my journey and how I ended up in their office, which leads me to sharing my before pictures. Well the reaction that followed was so unexpected. These people I just met and whom do not know me at all were so kind and compassionate I was floored. One woman just looked and then looked up at me and said “You are going to make me cry” …… HUH? I instantly knew I was in the right place. This woman and her coworkers were filled with compassion and kindness. They did not judge me as others , including medical professionals, have in the past. They saw me, my struggle, my journey, my success and failure all in one moment with a glance at a picture. I could also sense they were excited, genuinely excited, to be a part of my journey moving forward. One of them even said, well you are a part of our family now! WOW, that feels great.

All of this before I even get to the Doctor. Then I meet the doctor who was as equally supportive and encouraging as his staff. This man has the most sincere, gentle, kind smile ever seen. I knew when he told me something he was not just going through the motions or delivering me his spiel, he cares. For those of you whom have followed this blog from the beginning know that this is a very different experience for me. In short for those who don’t know…. The majority of the medical professionals I have encountered have been judgmental and at times out right rude and mean, needless to say, this was a welcomed experience with this doctor and his staff. Anyway, so the appointment went well. I discovered there are multiple people in my life who know this man and that it is likely we have been in the same place at the same time many times before…. Small world. So I am feeling much relief and even encouragement about this next step ….. Physically. Some of the other components of it….. Not so much. In short… Mostly the financial part is causing me great anxiety, but I will save that for another entry as I want to leave this on a positive note. I am grateful for this journey and how everything falls into place despite my unconscious efforts to get in my own way! LOL

One Step at a Time

Well….. My mind is swirling (again) with so many thoughts, questions, worries and confusion. I will try to put some order to my thoughts, be patient! So I attended a informational workshop about bariatric surgery. It covered everything from insurance to the three different surgery options with the pros and cons of each, they had a check list that seemed a mile long of things required to do prior to the surgery, phone numbers, contacts, BMI’s, recovery, cost, AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I must admit I definitely faded in and out “consciousness” . O.K., O.K. so not really, but you know what I mean, that feeling of being overwhelmed and suddenly everything becomes background noise to the thoughts in your head and you really do not hear anything. This is exactly why I had to take a friend with me….. So someone a little more sane could pay attention and then later explain things to me that I missed while having my out of body experience! Despite feeling overwhelmed I will say once the Doctor came and started talking about the actual surgical options I oddly felt a little (stressing… LITTLE) more at ease. I attribute that to him, this Doctor had such a genuine kindness about him and what appeared to be a sincere concern about peoples health AND peoples right to choose, which I appreciated. As I listened to the choices and how this program worked I began to become very impressed as I was hearing things I had not heard before from others who have done bariatric surgery or other programs I knew of…. Hmmmm. After listening to all the information the most significant thing that stood out to me was this is a total program and not just a procedure or surgery. There is a dietician, counselor, support groups, educational components, access to TWO surgeons and a financial consultant. This program includes a pre-surgery portion as well as a large post-surgery portion and actually a lifetime access to services too. They require you meet with their team, one of the Doctors, the dietician, counselor, financial person etc…… This is amazing to me, I fully support this type of program as I have seen far too many people do surgery like this and not address the issues, how they got here, the life style before and after, what to expect after, dangers of not taking care of yourself properly and more. I have also seen people put the weight back on, or have other medical issues as a result of not following doctors orders.

So while I appreciate and respect a full program like this, these requirements are not all covered by insurance so my mind starts to swirl again….. First I am thinking is it inappropriate to have a bake sale to raise money for a weight loss surgery? Then unfortunately I go right to the current status of my court case and the agony and stress endured over the past few years dealing with those medical bills from the last surgery and still dealing with it over three years now…. OH MY…. I do not think I can do that again….. Then I remind myself they have a financial person to help with the insurance and make sure there are no hidden cost and everything is known up front….. I really appreciate that but I do know for sure I am facing a share of cost….. Or perhaps I change my insurance package and have little or no share of cost? IF I switch plans do I have to wait? If I have to wait, can I physically afford to put off this surgery knowing I am doing it so I can take care of my hip surgery? How long will my hip last before I can‘t wait any longer? …..

Oh and there is that part of the program not covered by insurance and they require you participate in it and have it paid for prior to scheduling the surgery… it is $2500.00. Uh oh…… getting overwhelmed again……. BREATHE….. In …. Out ….. In … Out….. I step at a time….. I can not continue being overwhelmed, it makes me sad and frustrated, so I need to focus and take one step at a time or I may not get through this…. So after I give myself a pep talk I try to put all this information a side and just schedule that first appointment with the Doctor for a consultation. So that is what I did and that is now my focus and next step!

High-ho high-ho it's off to court I go

Well….. What a week! So much happened this week I am not even sure where to begin, so I think I will start with Monday and see how far I get before I bore myself! I may have to break it up into a couple entries. Here I go…………… Monday I went to Yuba City Superior Court. Yup court. So many of you may not know this as it is not something I care to talk about ,let alone think about ,but I am realizing it is a part of this journey and right now a big part that is affecting me, my state of mind and my decision making process, so let me explain. Almost three years ago I had a Panniculectomy (loose skin removal) at Rideout Hospital in Marysville . Well for nearly two years I went back and forth with the hospital over the bill they sent me. It is a long story but bottom line is I disagreed with the charges, asked for a review, they did one then gave the approximately $3500 credit directly to the insurance company and made no adjustment to my bill….. I was confused by this and asked for a explanation. No response. I asked and asked, spoke to people wrote letters , never any response or explanation. I never was even provide any information regarding what they actually adjusted. So two years of this… them calling and sending bills, me calling and writing letters, until finally it gets turned over to the collection agency so I continue the battle with them…….. Fast forward to a year ago and I get a knock on my door, it is a gentleman asking if I am Kathryn, and he serves me court papers. YUP …. I had been served! Now for those of you who do not know me very well I have ZERO experience with anything legal other then a traffic ticket! So needless to say I am confused by all the paperwork with all the legal mumbojumbo but what I do see is one line that basically says you have 30 days to respond to this in a formal proper legal way. What does that mean….? I start to panic…. I try to figure it out, ask people if they know what it means. I try to research what they are asking me to submit, cant find anything. I ask CLIC our community legal information center, still nothing, no help. I call the other two legal help centers in town and nothing, they don’t deal with these types of cases. Finally someone (Ken) mentions to me the Employee Assistance Program has legal aid, so I contact them. So fast forward some more….

I contact a lawyer, have to borrow money to retain this lawyer even with my EAP discount and she assures me she can help take care of it all the way through to the end making sure I get the documentation I need to show the case is done … You know for future reference if ever needed. WOW I am so relieved….. Until I am not! So the Lawyer now takes over trying to contact and negotiate with the collection agency, making no progress. We had asked for a copy of the reviewed charges and the reimbursement, but no response. So they continue to email and call never getting any response from the lawyer for the collection agency working on behalf of the hospital. So this goes on for months and now a court date is comeing up and I find out from the lawyer I paid that they will not go to court for me and I only paid/retained them to negotiate with the debt collectors!?!? HUH???? Again… I know nothing about all this sort of thing all I know is what I was told…. “We can take care of this” So through all this I am trying to apply for loans in case we come to a agreement on the debt and they provide the information thus showing what I am paying for and how much. So the loan search is no very productive, so more stress and frustration. I am told I can open some credit cards…. But no loan, at least not a loan for the amount I am needing. SO I continue to work on this while the lawyer works on the collection agency. Neither of us getting anywhere…………….

SO as you can see this continues… I go to court for the first “case management hearing” only to find out I did not really need to be there….. The post pone the whole thing. I skip the next hearing as I was told I have nothing to respond to until they provide me the information requested, at that hearing apparently a different judge wanted me there and since I wasn’t they postponed it again…. Even though the lawyer for the collection agency/hospital admitted to the court both time that it is his client that is not cooperating with him and providing the requested information. WOW really????? So this last Monday was the next hearing, so I definitely show up this time and this time I am armed with a synopsis from my lawyer of what has been going on the last year and all they have done in attempt to resolve this with no response from the other side. So I work really hard not to worry, as it seems like a no brainer. So my name gets called I have all my paperwork prepared including a letter from the lawyer, I approach and am quickly attacked, scolded, humiliated and in general just embarrassed in the court room by the judge. He will not listen to anything I have to say. He cuts me off every time I try to say anything. He asked me “Who are you?” I explain, he says “Where is your lawyer?” I try to explain the situation and he cuts me off.

I offer the synopsis from the lawyer he does not even acknowledge me or what I am saying and he talks to the other lawyer who is on a conference call (not even in court room he is on the phone) AGAIN the lawyer admits it is his client that is the problem holding it all up….. The judge ask a few things I try to give him some information about this three year long drama I have been dealing with he keeps cutting me off and final just yells “What do you want?” I try to explain briefly again I want an explanation prior to settling and he again cuts me off and angrily and loudly says “What do you want me to do?” and respond with “Dismiss this case, it has gone on for three years” , the other lawyer says “That is not proper” …………………. Next thing I hear is the judge saying postponed 60 days! WHAT? AGAIN? Then as I am leaving the Judge says to me “You need to have your lawyers communicate better” I turn and say, My lawyer has been communicating with the other attorney for over a year he is not responding…… Then the Judge throws out the last word…. “Well they need to communicate with the court too” SERIOUSLY???? I feel like I was not only sent to the principal’s office but punched in the gut too. I had gone into this day a little nervous but with high hopes of resolution of some kind. I was optimistic keeping as positive as possible under the circumstances………. Only to have the anvil dropped on my head. So this was like a nuclear attack on my attitude and outlook. How do I recover from three years of this? How do I even consider any future medical procedures with this looming? Is it even wise to move forward with anything considering this is still unresolved? So you see why my mind swirls with what if’s and should of’s as well as the variety of possibilities for outcomes. Needless to say it made this week challenging, not sleeping much, worried, stressed, exhausted, frustrated, angry, sad ……… “E” = All Of The Above! That was Monday! (Thankfully I never live in the dark side very long)

Here We Go Again......

OK , I am going to start by letting you all know this will be a scattered entry as this is my fourth attempt to start and I just have no idea how to start and which direction to go, so buckle up it should be a interesting ride. Before I get to the (my) heart of the matter let me say I know the past year or more there has not been consistent entries in this blog mostly because after the surgery to remove the loose skin things leveled out and were much smoother so I guess I did not have much to say. Well that being said I now find myself in a whole new situation that has placed me back on the roller coaster, of which I am not fond of or excited about, so I am thinking I may be writing more often…. IF there is still an interest. SO please if you are reading this either leave a comment (you can do it anonymously so you don’t have to sign up) or at least give me a “like” on the book of face so I know someone is reading, otherwise I will just go get a pretty journal! Thanks in advance. SO …. Some of you may have seen my ambiguous entry that really read like a rant of anger and self pity more then anything else , regardless in retrospect I realized I said nothing about what was causing all that emotional chaos, so I will explain myself and let you in on what is currently going on and some of the emotional issues I am revisiting and those I am encountering for the first time too.

To start , on the surface is a load of embarrassment and shame. Why you ask…. Well, despite my complete and total bill of health (yup I am a medical unicorn) I have been dealing with one thing, some hip/joint pain. Since I am blessed and grateful I have no medical issues like diabetes, high cholesterol or blood pressure issues, I figured a little hitch in my giddy up is nothing and I will deal with it……… and so I have been. I have been working with a physical therapist, whom I love and is amazing but we only got so far before it just wasn’t getting any better. So next my P.T. decides we need to get a x-ray just to rule out some things and see what exactly we are dealing with…. Hmmm….. OK. So we get the x-rays and then next thing I know I am getting a call from this Doctors office whom I have never heard of…. Hmmm… so I look up this Doctor and see he is a Hip replacement surgeon…. WHAT?!?!?!?! So now I am a little concerned but then remember my primary care physician mentioned a cortisone shot for the pain, that must be it. So I call and ask and they tell me I was referred just for a consultation, oh ok no big deal. So I go to the appointment and that is where my world quickly came falling down around me. (I know I am being dramatic, but in that moment it felt that way) So as this very nice Doctor begins to look at my x-rays and explaining to me what he sees my anxiety begins to quickly rise….. I could feel where this is going…. And then he just says it “A hip replacement is in your future that is for sure…… however…..” OH great a “However” what could he follow up that information with …. Then he says something that literally was the last thing I expected to hear, he says “Have you considered weight loss surgery?” ……. What jgioreuhcds jiscjin cdisjznj dcijvov isojavn !!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY….. I was so blindsided I really did not know what to think…… I told him my story of nearly 200lbs. Lost over the past 5-6 years, I pull out a before picture (always prepared for Doctors who don’t believe me!) He goes on… he acknowledges my effort , tells me all sorts of great things then goes back to the surgery… he explains that he is not going to do hip replacement surgery on me with my BMI being what it is and I need to loose more weight. Then he goes n and says there is this workshop I can go to just to get information…. It was about then I think my mind left my body because I didn’t’ hear much after that…… My mind began swirling with all sorts of thoughts….. And then the feelings fell quickly into line of course…. After all this hard work and the life style changes how do I end up right where I started??? Am I really that big of a failure? I didn’t work hard enough! This is a epic fail to have to get surgery after fighting so hard NOT to do the surgery.

This is BIG DECISION… So I try to get back into my body and listen to the doctor as I do feel like he has my best interest in mind. I hear him out and get information on the weekly information workshop on the bariatric surgery, he even gets me connected to the woman in charge of the program. So again I try to listen to her but I am reeling….. So I hang in there, then leave and head home….. Feeling totally overwhelmed now with this information of not one but at least two surgeries likely to be in my future , I look around for some place to unload (the emotional garbage) and only see my couch….. Enter a whole new set of feelings…… UGH!

SO………. This is the what I am facing, all the while living on Alieve for the constant daily pain. With all this happening as I mentioned earlier I am seeing a whole new chapter / phase to my journey and will have much to write about, so again let me know if it is worth sharing…. I am going to end this one here for now …. I just wanted to fill in those of you whom may have been wondering what the heck sent me on that last rant. I will let you know what I find out, this is the very beginning stages and I have barely begun even researching any of this stuff, but alas I will, so more to come.

Thanks ….. I am ending this with a saying I saw that I believe was sent through divine intervention, because the timing was perfect.

FEELINGS....... BOO HISS

OK………. Warning, what your about to read is neither positive nor inspiring. It is raw feelings from the moment. I can not even guarantee it will make any sense. I am just feeling the need to “get it out”, so here I go…………… I am so mad at myself right now, so disappointed and frustrated that I can hardly stand myself. Then as I sit in my anger it only takes a few moments before I just become sad or more accurately scared. THEN…. Taking a deep breathe I realize, NO I am actually Mad, Sad and Scared all at once, greeeeeeeaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!

I am Mad at myself for numerous reasons…..

I am Sad that I am feeling lost and alone with decisions / choices to face where none appear good options….

I am Scared at what may come… the unknown has never been something I am good with…… So what do I do with all this…. Oh I know turn to my couch and tell it how I am feeling, yes that will make things better. And Why is it as soon as you open the door to even the slightest negativity, before you know it, the door is busted open with all the rest of the struggles you have been managing from day to day, but now in this moment, you are quickly reminded of so that you can add being overwhelmed to the list of fun feelings you are experiencing…. WOW such delight. None of this is probably near as awful as it feels but that little fact doesn’t matter when your feeling it. It is sort of like that saying “This too shall pass” …. Well sure it will, However while it is here…. It Sucks! It is amazing how easy it is to go to that “crazy” state of mind….. That circular thought process that just grows like a good whirlpool, getting bigger, crazier, building up speed …… Someone make it stop….. Toss me a life jacket….. Or better yet jump on in with me it is definitely a ride to remember! OK…. So that’s is it for now… Just felt the need to get that out of my head…. And let ya all know, Crazy loves crazy!

Vulnerable AGAIN!

This very moment as I sit here writing I ask myself…… “ Are you sure you want to do this?” I do not know about everyone but to me the scariest thing in the world is to be vulnerable. When I am feeling vulnerable, I feel exposed. What if I expose myself as weak, a fraud, or dependant, incapable? OH it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I have written about this before as some of you may remember and apparently I have either forgotten the lesson or I need a refresher course because here I am again. Oy Vey

Those of you who know me are aware of how much I hate feeling vulnerable, so much so I will do anything to avoid it, Yet here I am.. So again I must change my perspective on this thing I so want to avoid, vulnerability. I know in my head all the things I tell people every day…… “There is no shame in being vulnerable, it makes you human.” , “ Being Vulnerable just means you are so brave” , “Allowing others to be supportive when your vulnerable is a gift for both of you”…… and I could go on….. But for some reason My heart is still scared. I get it…. I talk about it…. I even teach it…. But right now…. I fear it! So what is stirring up these feelings of being vulnerable you ask….. I hit a wall with my physical therapist. My second to last session we were working and she hit some point that made me jump through the roof. It scared her and myself. It was bad….. Many of you know I have a very high tolerance for pain but this time she hit the tender spot and it floored me. I crumbled, the pain was so bad I burst into tears, which again should signify how bad it was because this is not something I do….. Grin and bear it is usually my method of operation. Needless to say it scared both myself and my PT. So after much discussion it was decided I needed to get some xrays to see what is going on OR to rule out some things. This started my tail spin….. I put off getting the x-ray out of fear…. for a while , but it wasn’t getting any better and I had to stop working out ( and ya all know I love my pool workouts) so this was now taking a toll on my “spirit”. SO the more I was feeling physically vulnerable the deeper my emotional vulnerability grew as well. What are my choices here…. I had to ask myself once again, what have I got to loose by just exposing myself and being vulnerable????? Nothing! What have I to gain….. EVERYTHING! So I have been slowly exposing myself, testing the waters… and all I keep finding is I have surrounded myself with the most amazing people, no one has judged me, no one has been critical or insensitive except for myself. So here again I learn I can be vulnerable, it is safe because I have the best of the best around me. The kindest, most patient, generous, thoughtful and loving people. So to those of you in my life….. I want to THANK YOU for again proving to me that I will not die if I expose myself and am vulnerable. We all feel vulnerable from time to time…. And it doesn’t not take away from my independence, or strength if I am from time to time vulnerable.

SO as for this physical issue, first let me remind you I am still and always will be a medical unicorn, however I tend to acquire these unusual things but they will and do go away. Everything else is great, just got a “Hitch in my giddy-up” it is a hip/joint thing where the soft tissue is getting pinched… hard to explain and not even the point of my sharing today but if you really want to know Google “Femoral Acetabular Impingement” that will give you an idea. However, my point here is vulnerability is not the end of the world and actually nothing feels better then allowing someone to be with you when you feel vulnerable, so give it a try… I recommend you find those you trust and let it all out… it makes it easier to move forward. Thanks to all my wonderful supportive friends. I love you more then you can know, thanks for teaching me once again, I am not alone so I should stop acting like I am!

Medical Unicorn

Medical Unicorn ….. What exactly is a medical unicorn, well what do we know about unicorns? They are incredibly rare, elusive creatures…. Many believe but have never experienced one, others always doubt their very existence. There are many different types of unicorns but today I want to share with you my latest good news….. I am in fact a Medical Unicorn and I have the documentation to back it up! %COL

Now I realize this may seem silly to many of you but for me this is huge because I have spent my whole life being judge not only by people in general but also by medical professionals ,which in part has added to my inability to find providers with whom I am comfortable. Every time I tell them I am not on any medication, they look at me like I am lying. I actually had one ask me if I had been prescribed medication but chose not to take it, because of course that must be the explanation. The trip to the Emergency room that time I blacked out…. Yes that was the best… every time a new nurse or Doctor would come in it would be the same thing… look of doubt. Despite the fact that they had literally ran EVERY test possible on me including MRI, CAT scan, blood test x-rays, literally everything test, and nothing came up, they still did not believe it and thus they ran several of the test twice. Not even kidding. That was a few years ago and I had nothing then and I am happy to report….. Still Nothing!

Just completed several different test, blood work, complete physical and nothing…. Not a single issue or concern. NO diabetes, cholesterol fine, blood pressure perfect…….. Nothing…. Making me a Medical Unicorn! So yeah me…. But more importantly, Please do not judge a book by it’s cover. I know that is a old saying but seriously you do not know everyone’s story. When you do not know their story, don’t just make it up, and do not assume things based on some surface or superficial observations. I also just want to plug the importance of a happy, healthy mind and spirit! Health is not just about our physical bodies, we are actually more affected by our emotional and spiritual well being so Please do not neglect all the parts of who you are…. Take care of yourselves, there are people who are counting on you and love you so destress and breathe! Say No to “Dis- ease” ! Thanks for stopping by and please let me know you stopped by or if you have any questions.

Update Addition.... The good stuff!

Hi, so after posting my recent update to this blog I realized something was missing. While it had the basic facts and some exciting news I left out some important stuff, you know that stuff that would perhaps be embarrassing if I included it but the very stuff I promised myself to share as it is a emotional journey as much or perhaps more then a physical one. SO…. Here I am with a addition to the update! HOPE……. So what I left out from the last blog update was some of the emotional things I experienced after realizing I have finally found some professionals I am excited and even eager to work with….. Yes excited. One of the things some of you may know but for the most part I keep to myself is the fact that I pretty much live with pain. I just tolerate and deal with it.

I do not take medication and I try not to complain about it because “it is what it is” …… or is it? While I had resigned to a life of pain, I did not like that idea but I felt so much better then before the weight loss so I was willing to just deal with it. I mean after all I brought it on myself. I figured I was the one who was so hard on my body for so many years so dealing with some pain was just a natural consequence. Again keep in mind I was so very grateful for all the success I have had thus far and seen so many positive changes, so when weighing (punny huh?) that against the pain…. Well why complain, just deal!

For perspective let me fill you in on what kind of pain I am talking about….. Standing, sitting for too long, stairs, walking, sleeping, putting on shoes and socks, picking up stuff off the floor….. Yup you guessed it pretty much always. I have to say for the most part I manage it well but the hard part is how limiting it is… Do you know how frustrating it is not to be able to put socks on? Think about that for one minute…… Or basic walking and going up stairs…. Constantly left behind by others….. This is often humiliating and down right depressing, but I push through, accepting it as it is my life, and I am grateful for how far I have come and continue to grow.

Well at a recent physical therapy appointment I was told several things that not only made me realize my “it is what it is” thinking is faulty but I can and should have hope. Only three appointments into my physical therapy my physical therapist tells me I have strong muscles which she tells me translates to her I will be able to kick these current issues. She continues to tell me how I have great flexible ligaments which will also make my healing easier. Then she adds that my joints are also in great shape. She has a name for my issues and a it is not “life long pain”, she explains it to me, shows me on “skinny” ,the skeleton ,what is happening. She explains the process ahead and that she is CONFIDENT she can help me. WHAT? What exactly does that mean I wonder….. So I ask about what kind of results I can expect. Here is the short version of what I learned about what I can expect as far as results…… I will be having a garage / bake sale to raise money for the bike I am going to buy! Upon getting my bike I will ride it happily without pain! (unless of course I fall… after all physical therapy can’t change clumsy! COL) So after having this discussion with her I went to my car and just sat in the parking lot for a while…. I sat there in shock, Shock that something I had resigned to and accepted as a part of life…. Well is no longer true. From shock I went to complete and total bliss from the HOPE I now had and once had previously let go of. HOPE my friends is everything. I can not wait to walk without pain, to be able to do the daily life things that so many take for granted, and to do them without pain. I am grateful for my renewed sense of HOPE! I am grateful and blessed to have such a amazing Physical therapist who is as excited as I am at the potential I am facing with her help! So there it is….. The rest of the story. Until next time…. Never give up HOPE, and Never settle!

Big Blog Update !

HI , It has been more then a year since I have written in this blog and recently I was thinking about life and my journey and everything I have been through and decided I wanted to do a update. So I have had some recent experiences that are so very different from where I started and my experiences in the begin that I wanted to share them first. Those of you who have been with me from the beginning will appreciate these stories more than others but perhaps for others it will inspire them to go back and read the blog from the beginning. In the beginning I had such a hard time finding supportive, understanding, non-judgmental professional support. I had repeated bad experiences trying to find a primary care provider, finally gave up on that and focused on other support professionals. I finally ended up with a weight management doctor who taught me a lot. I found a excellent trainer who changed my life, but then somewhere along the journey I lost both of them. I would then find a good support in other types of providers, and I figured out I really had to keep advocating for myself until I get my needs met…. What a lesson. Still at times it would seem easier to throw in the towel and just deal, but then something would come through in a positive way. Like the plastic surgeon who did my skin removal, she was great, probably the best care I have ever received and I felt she not only cared but was actually invested in my success and health. Anyway… it was hard in the beginning, but as time moved forward it kept improving.

So where am I at with this issue now……. Happy to say I finally found and secured a awesome primary care provider (after years without one) and she is already hooking me up to other professionals to add to my team to help me become the best , healthiest me I can become. I feel like she really cares and listens, this has become so refreshing as I haven’t felt that from most medical professionals. Anyway I am very happy with my new primary care provider and she is already connecting me to other amazing providers like my new favorite medical professional, my physical therapist. I have a lead on a massage therapist as well, woot woot. So as you are probably figuring out yes, I am dealing with some medical stuff but rest assured it is nothing serious and in fact nothing remotely of concern because a plan is getting in place. Actually my issues are directly related to the weight loss and my body adjusting , well or not adjusting so smoothly to the changes. It is a long story if you really are interested message, email or call me I can explain, short version…… I have a frozen (locked) hip, hence physical therapy and massage. Anyway…. I am so excited because we are having success and there is a very bright light at the end of this tunnel. I am excited because for a few years now after the weight loss I thought I just had to deal with some of these odd little aches and pains and I thought I would always struggle with certain things just because of how hard I was on my body for so many years. I just accepted it…… now come to find out I will have great improvement and likely be pain free! WOW very exciting.

So again I am learning never give up and never settle. I am still discovering new things out about my body after having the excess skin removed and every time it fascinates me. With this latest chapter I look forward to new adventures and checking things off the bucket list that I thought would never come off that list. OH … OH….. And nothing better then a medical professional telling you how strong you are and what great muscles you have, even in your “glutes” ! What?? Did I hear that right? Yup! Oh and how impressed they are with my flexibility! Thank You aqua aerobics! SO… nice to hear those things when you spent a entire life hearing how bad your body is, how broken it is, how much damage you have done to it blah blah blah….. I have great strong muscles AND I am flexible, so watch out!

So there is your update, if you have any interest in more entries from the big blog, let me know. If you have any questions feel free to ask.