Treadmill of Life, in the rain?

Have you ever felt like you were on a treadmill in life? Now I know that seems like a positive thing, right? Well sure if you are talking about exercise….. But not so much if you are talking about life progress! Perhaps I am a slow learner, as I currently feel as though I am on this treadmill working out, moving, being active, however getting nowhere. Now I know this in not the truth, but it is how I feel. So currently I am still dealing with the court/legal stuff hoping it should be coming to some sort of end here soon, but it still lingers like a gray cloud over head…… Just rain already!

Rain is not bad, but it “IS”. It is not ambiguous it is something that can be faced, dealt with, even appreciated. Rain is nurturing to the earth and we actually really need it right now…. As do I . I just need to move forward and have this legal stuff done, so I welcome the “rain” so I can learn, grow and move on to the next lesson. I know I will and am stronger because of it, but alas…….. Let it rain! So as this storm (Court) slowly passes other parts of the journey step forward. I find it interesting how connected all the steps of this journey are to one another yet bring their own lessons, blessings and challenges.

So this week I had my consultation with the Bariatric Surgeon, as recommended by the hip surgeon. (Oy Vey) So as mentioned in a previous entry this recommendation was a blow to my ego, which I fairly quickly had to get over because it is ridiculous to have the view point. I had to separate my accomplishments thus far with my current situation. All the hard work I have put in is not lessened by the current situation of possibly needing to have surgery. Who knew my ego was so fragile. It was a good lesson for me that everyone attaches their self worth to silly things, including myself. Somehow a part of me felt worthy or valued because of the hard work and success I had put in on my health without any surgery? That is ridiculous….

I can hear myself telling the hundreds of people I have come in contact with over the years “You are worthy and valuable, because you are” . So to honor my own words and practice what I preach I recognize my worth and value and refuse to attach any accomplishment to it. It just is! YEAH! So now I can step forward to the next part of the journey….. Meet with the surgeon.

So I had decided I was gong with a open mind and positive attitude despite my internal struggles with this whole idea of weight loss surgery after all these years because I now remember it is no reflection of my worth and/or value, nor does it take away from what I have done. So I go to the appointment and immediately hit it off with the girls at the front desk, then the nurse who comes to get me…. We are chatting, laughing having a nice conversation. I share some of my journey and how I ended up in their office, which leads me to sharing my before pictures. Well the reaction that followed was so unexpected. These people I just met and whom do not know me at all were so kind and compassionate I was floored. One woman just looked and then looked up at me and said “You are going to make me cry” …… HUH? I instantly knew I was in the right place. This woman and her coworkers were filled with compassion and kindness. They did not judge me as others , including medical professionals, have in the past. They saw me, my struggle, my journey, my success and failure all in one moment with a glance at a picture. I could also sense they were excited, genuinely excited, to be a part of my journey moving forward. One of them even said, well you are a part of our family now! WOW, that feels great.

All of this before I even get to the Doctor. Then I meet the doctor who was as equally supportive and encouraging as his staff. This man has the most sincere, gentle, kind smile ever seen. I knew when he told me something he was not just going through the motions or delivering me his spiel, he cares. For those of you whom have followed this blog from the beginning know that this is a very different experience for me. In short for those who don’t know…. The majority of the medical professionals I have encountered have been judgmental and at times out right rude and mean, needless to say, this was a welcomed experience with this doctor and his staff. Anyway, so the appointment went well. I discovered there are multiple people in my life who know this man and that it is likely we have been in the same place at the same time many times before…. Small world. So I am feeling much relief and even encouragement about this next step ….. Physically. Some of the other components of it….. Not so much. In short… Mostly the financial part is causing me great anxiety, but I will save that for another entry as I want to leave this on a positive note. I am grateful for this journey and how everything falls into place despite my unconscious efforts to get in my own way! LOL