This very moment as I sit here writing I ask myself…… “ Are you sure you want to do this?”
I do not know about everyone but to me the scariest thing in the world is to be vulnerable.
When I am feeling vulnerable, I feel exposed. What if I expose myself as weak, a fraud, or dependant, incapable?
OH it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
I have written about this before as some of you may remember and apparently I have either forgotten the lesson or I need a refresher course because here I am again. Oy Vey
Those of you who know me are aware of how much I hate feeling vulnerable, so much so I will do anything to avoid it, Yet here I am..
So again I must change my perspective on this thing I so want to avoid, vulnerability. I know in my head all the things I tell people every day…… “There is no shame in being vulnerable, it makes you human.” , “ Being Vulnerable just means you are so brave” , “Allowing others to be supportive when your vulnerable is a gift for both of you”…… and I could go on….. But for some reason My heart is still scared. I get it…. I talk about it…. I even teach it…. But right now…. I fear it!
So what is stirring up these feelings of being vulnerable you ask….. I hit a wall with my physical therapist. My second to last session we were working and she hit some point that made me jump through the roof. It scared her and myself. It was bad….. Many of you know I have a very high tolerance for pain but this time she hit the tender spot and it floored me. I crumbled, the pain was so bad I burst into tears, which again should signify how bad it was because this is not something I do….. Grin and bear it is usually my method of operation. Needless to say it scared both myself and my PT. So after much discussion it was decided I needed to get some xrays to see what is going on OR to rule out some things.
This started my tail spin….. I put off getting the x-ray out of fear…. for a while , but it wasn’t getting any better and I had to stop working out ( and ya all know I love my pool workouts) so this was now taking a toll on my “spirit”. SO the more I was feeling physically vulnerable the deeper my emotional vulnerability grew as well. What are my choices here…. I had to ask myself once again, what have I got to loose by just exposing myself and being vulnerable????? Nothing! What have I to gain….. EVERYTHING!
So I have been slowly exposing myself, testing the waters… and all I keep finding is I have surrounded myself with the most amazing people, no one has judged me, no one has been critical or insensitive except for myself. So here again I learn I can be vulnerable, it is safe because I have the best of the best around me. The kindest, most patient, generous, thoughtful and loving people.
So to those of you in my life….. I want to THANK YOU for again proving to me that I will not die if I expose myself and am vulnerable. We all feel vulnerable from time to time…. And it doesn’t not take away from my independence, or strength if I am from time to time vulnerable.
SO as for this physical issue, first let me remind you I am still and always will be a medical unicorn, however I tend to acquire these unusual things but they will and do go away. Everything else is great, just got a “Hitch in my giddy-up” it is a hip/joint thing where the soft tissue is getting pinched… hard to explain and not even the point of my sharing today but if you really want to know Google “Femoral Acetabular Impingement” that will give you an idea. However, my point here is vulnerability is not the end of the world and actually nothing feels better then allowing someone to be with you when you feel vulnerable, so give it a try… I recommend you find those you trust and let it all out… it makes it easier to move forward. Thanks to all my wonderful supportive friends. I love you more then you can know, thanks for teaching me once again, I am not alone so I should stop acting like I am!
