So I bet the title has you wondering….. It may not be what you think. I know when we see/hear the word relapse we tend to think of “falling” off whatever wagon has been our substance or distraction of choice, be it drugs, alcohol, food or even bad relationships. In my case I bet you are expecting to hear about a binge, major diet failure, or weight gain, well it is none of those things. For me (this time) I relapsed with fear.
While it was short lived it was still a very powerful moment for me in my awareness and insight as I forge on with this life. Let me share with you what brought about this realization that if I do not keep my fear in check it can and will take my life down a path I do not want to go.
As some of you know I started back at the gym this month after being away from it for only two months. Now I say “only” because in relation to how long I have now been going to the gym, two months is a short amount of time in the complete span of things, however it apparently was long enough for my fear and anxiety to come back about being in the gym environment.
So I was taking a break at work and walking out to my car to get my gym back so I could change and get ready for the gym after work…….. When I noticed that I was suddenly feeling very anxious. You know that uncomfortable feeling we all try to avoid……Why was I feeling anxious? What is this all about? Things at work have been a bit crazy but …… No, that’s not it…….Hmmmmm….. I have some bills I need to take care of, is it that? Hmmmmmm……It really came on rather suddenly so I was caught off guard. I walked back into work and I was going down the list of possibilities yet nothing seemed to ring true, huh? Since I could not figure it out I just tried to ignore it and get back to work.
So the time came around for me to get changed for the gym and as I looked at my gym bag and went to reach for it ……. SMACK… It hit me…… I was anxious about going to the gym.
WHAT? This felt like the anxiety I had when I first was looking for a gym to join, or the time I had to leave my comfortable old ghetto gym and find a new one….. While it was a flash back (relapse) to an old feeling it was very real and very present yet again. It made me realize just how true the one day at a time saying truly is with any struggle.
So the good news is I have again faced this fear and anxiety and I am slowly regaining my stride and finding my footing. The relapse while very real was overcome by the reminder of my previous strength and ability to face and conquer those fears. So onward I go, pressing forward, continuing the journey, including getting my butt back at the gym!
So do not underestimate fears, and rest assured that even when we think we have overcome one it will rear it’s ugly head again and test you yet again……..
Be Strong!
Kathryn
