Pre-Op Triggers and Tribulations

So what an interesting week it has been. So many things, liquid diet, appointments , triggers, all steps moving forward. So where to begin…. How about the liquid diet. So 10 days prior to surgery you have to be on a all liquid diet. For most this is a big adjustment, but I have done this before when I did my jump start program a few years back , plus those of you who know me I would always choose a drink over eating anyway, NO I am not talking a alcoholic drink! If I could all my nutrition from drinks I would….. I am not a fan of grocery shopping, cooking any of that process, so give me a protein drink any day. SO I was not concerned at all about this 10 days….. HOWEVER…. What was interesting is it has been sometime since I have had to have serious restrictions that led me into needing to  pay attention to my process and eating triggers. SO I was doing great not hungry , no desire to “chew” I was sailing….. And then the stress began to escalate.
Those of you who may not know I am a Social Worker by trade so this obviously means I deal with a lot of tragic situations, Domestic Violence, Substance Abuse all that stuff most of us try to avoid dealing with because it is so difficult and out right ugly.
Anyway, I was dealing with a unusually stressful emergent complex situation, which I do regularly, but not regularly while on a liquid diet! You all see where this is going……….. LOL! So I was sailing along then this hits…….. At days end I am walking to my car to head home and all I could think was “I WANT A CHEESEBURGER!” …..
”I NEED A CHEESEBURGER!”
No sooner than having that thought my next thought was …..
 “AND there it is !”
It is not the food, it is the need for comfort after a stressful situation and food was the comfort. So I was extremely grateful for the emotional work I have already done and the awareness of my process that is already in place as I tackle this next step in my journey because without it I think… I know , I would have had a cheeseburger!

After tackling the almighty Cheeseburger trigger I was back on track and sailing again…….. Or so I thought.
Next trigger really did not trigger a food issue for me but in the past it would have lead to Ben and Jerry’s for sure, but this time it was just interesting to observe my process and see how sensitive I still am after all these years in regards to certain topics.
I was meeting with the Doctor for my Pre-Op appointment to go over everything including all the previous test and lab work that had been done. SO as I was signing all the “If you die it’s not our fault” paperwork and one of the papers had a statement that just pushed all my buttons. I am not going to get it exact but it basically was a statement that something along these lines…. “I have been unsuccessful in losing weight (or managing my obesity) and I am seeking the help of the Doctor…..

WHAT!!???!?!?!?! I was so upset… I was again in my defense mode…. It was a emotional trigger that has been a big one for me directly related to this surgery. Seeing that statement “I have been unsuccessful…. “ just crushed me to read and hurt to have to sign a paper acknowledging that, because I have NOT been unsuccessful . I have been extremely successful. I am down somewhere in the ball park of 200LBS and while it has taken me over 7 years I have gone in the right direction all these years AND until I started having hip issues which prevented me from working out I was doing it, I was SUCCESSFUL !
So that was an interesting trigger…. Paperwork who knew! LOL Anyway, again I talked myself down and all it took was actually being honest and sharing my feelings with someone who validated my hard work and journey and yes my success.
Whew… made it through that one too!

The last one (this week) for me does not relate to weight or food, but I am sure it does for others. For me it is a larger picture about our culture and how it still views single people as second class citizens, an after thought. I know this is not intentional on anyone’s part so let me start with that… again for me it is a fact about how deeply ingrained some of our ideals are in our culture.
So as the Doctor is literally giving me the last blow by blow list of what is going to happen the conversation goes like this………..
“So the surgery takes about a hour, when it is done I will go out and talk to your family in the waiting room and then after about a hour in recovery you will go to a room and then your family will be able to come see you………..”

My first instant reaction was sadness……. Family? What family? I have no husband/partner, no kids……… There won’t be anyone in the waiting room for me.  AS he was saying it I just felt a wave of sadness, this is one of those times, one of the very rare times, I actually felt sad about being single. After I rode that wave for a brief moment I snapped out of it and thought about how many people have been supporting me, financially, emotionally, physically. I have been blessed with so many loving and kind friends that I often am overwhelmed by the love and support. I reminded my self of the Go fund me and how many jumped in to help despite their own needs. I reminded myself of my friend who is on vacation and of technology but before leaving made a point to let me know he will be thinking of me as I am in surgery! I mean how sweet and loving is that! SO I KNOW I am not alone and I also know “Family” are those who are there for you when you need them and that being said…. I have a huge family and am blessed.

So I will end on that note and save some for another time…….
Focus on your Blessings not your deficits !
I AM BLESSED!

P.S. Thank You to all who have helped with the go fund me. I still have some expenses not covered my insurance, but getting closer to getting it all covered everyday. Thanks again. Check out the Success

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LET THE COUNT DOWN BEGIN…………

So I have a date for surgery, May 2nd ! Yup right around the corner.
I have completed and passed with flying colors all my pre-test and exams. I have just one more pre-op appointment with the Doctor and that is it! I am excited it is finally here. I have a few things left to get lined up prior to surgery but that’s just stuff I am trying to have in place to help with comfort and such.
On Friday I started the 10 day pre-op liquid diet. SO far so good. I am confident I will be fine as I have already faced and passed the ultimate temptation for me, a gathering at my Sister-in-laws house! Those of you who know my Sister - in - law  and have ever been to anything at her house, be it a birthday party or a BBQ, anything……… you know exactly what I am talking about…. SO it was my precious nieces birthday and we were just having a small family get together. Well when my Sister-in-law host anything it is as if she has a number of people she is expecting and then she adds a zero on to it and that is how much food she prepares! NO LIE… ask anyone who knows her… SO besides enormous amounts of food she is a good cook and very creative and so the food is always awesome, her party spreads are by far my most favorite of foods.
That all being said….. Saturday afternoon was this party and I had just started on Friday my 10 day liquid diet (pre-op).
Needless to say I had several conversations with myself  tht ranged from , “Oh it is one day out of 10 and it is early enough that it is no big deal , go eat be happy” to “Stay home, do not torture yourself, your not that strong”. So I had these conversations with myself back and forth and finally I thought to myself this………… “I AM STRONG, look how far I have come! Plus NOTHING is worth avoiding seeing my amazing niece and celebrating her Birthday. I promised my self I was not going to let this journey prevent me from living my life. I GOT THIS!”   SO ……… I went!
I went….. And I did not eat so much as a single M&M or bite of anything….. I conquered my Everest!
So I am confident I will do well. I am excited to get this process moving at a faster pace then it has been the past few years.

I want to again tell all of you………  I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!
You all know who you are. You are my financial supporters, my rides, my emotional supporters, my cheerleaders, my life line. I firmly believe I could never have done this with out all of you in my corner, so THANK YOU again.
I will forever be grateful for each and every one of you.
SO Monday May 2nd, if anyone gets bored and wants to come by and say Hello, I will be at Enloe for just one overnight and I can have visitors and if your really bored or have always had a secret wish to sleep in a hospital, just let me know because apparently I can have someone spend the night and they will bring a “chairbed” in ! LOL If anyone does…. We will spend some time talking about some bigger and better wishes to add to your list!
I will also be home bound a couple weeks so please feel free to come by my house and visit as well, I am sure I will be getting bored!
I will do an update as soon as I physically can to let you all know how I am doing.
THANKS AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING

UPDATE !

HI … So much to update! Where to start?? It has been a very busy and blessed couple months. So as most of you know I have been doing a lot of pre-op testing. I also have started a campaign to raise money for part of my surgery expenses. So I want to take a moment to update and  Thank everyone. So … Here we go.

So imagine all the medical test you can come up with….. Got it? OK Now add a few to that list….. That’s what I have been doing. SO many test, I almost thought for a while I was back in school ! Everything form blood work to two day stress test for cardiac clearance. Then more labs, then primary care annual check up and she adds more test….. OH my…. Well as reluctant and tiny bit anxious as I was, I am very very very happy to once again tell you all….. I am a Medical Unicorn! Everything is good, so good the Cardiologist suggest I go have some fun! I think he was surprised how strong my heart is even though I told him my heart was the strongest muscle I have because I use it a lot! Anyway…. It feels so great to know I continue to shock and amaze the Medical Professionals, I like proving to them all that I am Healthy despite my weight! I can pursue preventative health by taking care of myself and knowing that I do need to change some habits and other things before they become an issue but as I am right now………… I am OK, not just OK but Healthy.
So still no diabetes, no high blood pressure, no cholesterol issues,  no heart issues, all arteries clear , mammogram clear, EGD clear, good to go!
I am a Medical Unicorn! I just got a bum hip!
So that is the Medical update…. OH now they want to test me for sleep apnea, sometimes I think they feel a need to have something be an issue for me… we will see.

Anyway, Next the Go Fund Me Update!
I am completely overwhelmed and speechless at the love, encouragement and support that has happened as a result of me reaching out in this way. Those of you who know me understand my struggle with receiving and being vulnerable. If you follow this blog you know it has been a topic for me more then once! Despite my resistance to this subject,  EVERY TIME I fight my discomfort and reach out, the out pour of support floors me and reminds me just how blessed I am!
SO……. In less than 2 weeks time I have raised enough to get started!
What this means is I have enough money that I can now call and schedule my first surgery!
I am so Blessed and truly humbled by how much support I have received, I can never Thank You all enough.
So that is the update and I will let you know as things progress what is going on…. Thanks again!



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Lifetime Membership - Go Fund Me

HI, so I would like to ask for your patience with me as I struggle through this entry, for many reasons. For starters I am in a bit of pain this morning and have not had much sleep, damn hip. Also I have difficulty asking for help. Those of you who have followed and read my blog have seen me discuss this issue before, I am not good at receiving help and being vulnerable however once again, here I am. I am going to be asking for help in a way I really am uncomfortable with but all signs lead to it so I figure I need to get over myself and push through and do it! So I am here asking for help, I will give you details of what I am in need of after a summary of what is going on for those who may not know what I am facing. So approximately ten years ago now I started working on my health, specifically my weight. After working strictly on diet , educating myself and exercise I lost somewhere between 150 - 200 lbs. It took around six or seven years to get that far on my own, without any surgery. I had so much loose skin it was preventing me from moving forward with exercise and really was impeding my life in other ways. I went through a consultation and ended up having the loose skin removed even though I was not finished loosing weight.

After that surgery I slowly got back into the swing of things, but began a different journey of dealing with insurance and ultimately a law suit. I will spare the details but it went on for three years and the last year of it was me dealing with lawyers, court and legal stuff WAY beyond me……….. All I wanted was a accurate bill! Needless to say it never happened, I was sued and then advised to file bankruptcy. I got second opinion as I did not want to do that, however second lawyer also advised me to file bankruptcy. So I did. While dealing with this I start to have some hip pain. A year ago I went to see my Doctor and we tried to deal with my hip. I did physical therapy for a few months, it seemed to help but then seemed to make it worse. I am now struggling with my regular work out routine because of the pain too. This hip issue ends up sending me to a specialist for a consult and he took one look at my xrays and pointed out where my hip is bone on bone and going to have to be replaced. However, he then turns to me and says he will not do the surgery until I get more weight off. He proceeds to ask me about weight loss surgery. Long story short (see previous entries for more details) I start the process of preparing for weight loss surgery so I can get more weight off and in a more timely (faster) way then I have previously. We are getting closer now to where I need your help. As a part of this weight loss surgical centers program they require every patient join a lifetime membership to their aftercare program. This program includes support groups , access to dieticians and nutritionist, mentoring program and the Doctors, FOR LIFE.

This I appreciate as I have learned on my journey it is more emotional then one could ever imagine and if you are not emotionally prepared it won’t work, so I get it and like I said appreciate that this is a part of the program. All that being said…… I can not schedule my surgery until this is paid for, and it is not covered by insurance. This program cost $2500.00 You can now see where I need help….. Although honestly there is more so I am going to put it all out there and again remind people to just do as they can and/or feel led. It may be you can offer me a ride to or from surgery but no financial support, great. Perhaps you can help with a errand or two while I am recovering but can not offer financial support great…. PLEASE no obligation help where you can. I am going to let you know I tried applying for a care credit (medical credit card) and was turned down for the obvious reasons related to what I mentioned earlier with the lawsuit. Also due to that bankruptcy I am not really eligible for a credit card and do not have one that will cover the cost. I also have a share off cost or yearly out of pocket cost of $1500.00. I am not as worried about that as it will likely be billed over time but this “membership” can not be paid over time, so I have to raise it. I am going to attach a link to a “Go fund Me” page, If you can help great and if you can not that is understandable and like I said maybe there is something else you can do. I will also list something I may need help with that is not financial. I am also open to anyone who may be able to do a loan, with interest. I just do not want to put off this surgery any longer. SO my needs are: $2500.00 membership to aftercare weight loss program (Can’t have surgery until I have this) $1500.00 out of pocket (likely spread out over time and should be fine) Rides to and from Errands Company/Visitors I am looking for a bed frame for a full size bed, just that metal thing. My bed is currently on the floor, thinking it might be easier to get in and out of if it is higher (If I or anyone I know wins the lotto I would love a adjustable bed! ) I am sure there are other things but I have the most important ones listed. Thanks for even taking the time to read this, if you know anyone who might be interested in the story, please pass it along. Also please share the blog with anyone you know who may have similar issues and might benefit from it. I do have entries that go into much more detail about all these issues, I was just trying to summarize here. Thanks Again , Kathryn

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Busy Start 2016

Hello again…….. So this year is off to a quick jump start ! Several new, exciting and also scary beginnings! It has been a busy couple of weeks already, many appointments, momentary lapse into fear , quickly turned around to HOPE with some mental and emotional calisthenics. So in order to get the surgical thumbs up there are all these appointments and test you have to complete. I have slowly been chipping away at these, leaving the “big” one for last, which is part of what the last couple weeks has been about! Let me start from the beginning of this list…… Please keep in mind I have never been good at taking test! So learning of this list was the first flash of fear. It is also important to keep in mind, upon first meeting these professionals, none know anything of my journey thus far. They have their first “visual” impression , preconceived idea and a referral. Most professionals are caught off guard as the begin asking questions of me and gathering information because I do not really fit into any traditional group of patients they have seen. Not many go in with several years already under their belt and a large weight loss already completed despite how far I have to go. So it is always frustrating to start for me because I have to wade through the preconceived impressions and then explain and prove my history with photos and medical history. For whatever reason they do not just accept my word that I am a Medical Unicorn! COL OK back to the appointments and test…… All that being said as I get the run down of the list I must attend to , slowly I start to regain my confidence. First I must meet with a psychologist/Therapist, at least once, they tell me, depending on their recommendation after the initial meeting (I think, I tend to hear about 50% when nervous/anxious) .

So I attend this appointment and after 5 minutes we are talking about our favorite protein bars and where to get them at the best price as if we have known each other for years. Approximately 20 minutes into the appointment she stops and catches herself saying…. “OH! There are some questions I am suppose to be asking you I guess we should do that!” and she laughs and we get back on track. By the end of it she wishes me well and tells me how excited she is about my journey as she is completely confident I am ready and able to tackle the journey that lies ahead. This was a nice affirming and pleasant appointment! First appointment done, on to the next………… Next……… the Nutritionist/Dietician.

So I show up for this appointment and again ….the same initial disbelief! She ask me some questions, I am able to intelligently, and correctly describe a healthy balanced diet, including facts, calories and reasoning behind everything. She starts to get a slight glazed look on her face quickly followed by a smile. She continues to ask me more questions , this time more personal and specific about what I have recently ate and types of things I eat in a typically week. I answer and she begins beam…. With a huge smile she says to me, “You know what you are doing, I am not sure what I can do for you? How can I best help you because you already know and get what I would normally work on with you!” . Little did she know simply her acknowledgement and support was the most important thing she could give me. We discussed a few more things and again I leave the appointment validated and excited as I check off another appointment . Nest…………. Blood work Blood test is one test I do not usually fear, once because I am healthy and two because I have good veins and it mostly goes very smoothly without any issues. Fasting the night before I show up to give some blood to be tested for probably everything , who knows, I am not worrying about it! As the phlebotomist begins she is happy to see my healthy easily accessible vein and she connects quickly and without issue. I begin to feel a little discomfort which I do not usually when giving blood, so I look and realize it is simply because she is one the fifth vial of blood and she is not done yet! Well I don’t think I have ever had more then 2 or 3 vials at a time taken so this was a lot! Regardless I make it through with nothing to report really other then some skin irritation where the tape was holding the cotton swab in place when she finished. So…….. I am thinking…. So far , so good! All positive experiences thus far! Next…………. The Cardiologist……..GULP! (insert some anxiety/fear) Deep breath I tell myself in anticipation for this appointment. I get there the nurse doing the EKG (I think that is the test… heart monitor) is great, she was very kind and calm, which helps in calming me down. So I get hooked up and I try to focus on relaxing because I am sure my anxiety is going to affect my test. (FYI… the only time my blood pressure is even slightly high is when I am doing appointments with new medical professionals (obvious previous listed reasons) … I swear every other time… perfect) The Doctor comes in , and the chill he brings with him, and he reviews my test and says he wants me to do more test….. Damn It! I hate test! Relapse into fear and anxiety! So he begins to , I think, explain the test he wants me to do and why…………… I hear this……… “2 days, nuclear, stress, Injections, heart flow, radioactive, no caffeine or medication 24 hrs prior, fasting, blah blah ……. Naturally the fear creeps back in…………………. ENTER Mental and Emotional calisthenics ! I begin to talk myself off the proverbial cliff . I remind myself that I in fact have a huge heart and it is the strongest muscle I have because I use it all the time!

Now I know those of you whom are logical and/or literal are thinking… “Um, that’s not how it works” ………… give me some credit, I get it... but as I am “coaching” myself to remain calm it helps me to remind myself I am OK no matter what. I also do believe it can in fact help us to be healthier if we act healthier…. Don’t forget I am a Medical Unicorn! So I show up for day one of the test and let me preface this …. Those of you not living in Chico, The hospital over the past few years has completed been redone and I have not been there since any of these changes have happened……… only adding anxiety because I have no idea what to expect or where to go. I arrive and end up making a few circles around the hospital because I can not find anywhere to park…… I see a sign for valet parking and know that I have no cash so now what…. I go to drive through not stop to have them park and the guy stops me. I ask him how this works… he says first of all it is free……. (internal voice says , see it will be ok, and Thank you) So I Thank him and head to my appointment….. Fast forward through approximately six more hospital staff, all of whom were very kind and helpful….. I mention this because each encounter helps to calm me down and lessen my fear. I get inside and begin……… as I access my deep breathing and mental reminder that I am strong and healthy, I start the process with several staff who quickly become friends, asking me questions and interested and intrigued by my story…. Congratulation me on my success thus far and telling me how they are excited for me…… WOW ! I was so taken back by their encouragement and support I think I forgot why I was thee and for sure forgot I was ever anxious or afraid. YEAH KINDNESS! So I make it through several stages and three hours of procedures of day one of cardiac testing.

DAY TWO……… More of the same….. Fewer people involved and fewer test, so I am in and out in only two hours. I want to mention on this day something I may do another whole entry on later but just want to say….. There was a X-ray tech whom was hands down the kindest most respectful medical professional I have dealt with EVER…. Mainly because he Never once treated me differently or uncomfortably. I will have to share more later, but it always shocks me how uncomfortable medical people are with fat people….. Anyway……… this has been a week….. On top of all this, I have a few other personal things going on, some coming to a head after a few years and thankfully the end is in sight….Some cool new things too! I think I have earned a massage!

So You can see how this year has started off with a bang and thus I am extremely excited to see what else this year has in store. It can only be good! I am Hopeful

Welcome 2016.... Bottom Line......

Happy New year everyone, Again it has been some time since I have written and I apologize as a lot has been going on so I will attempt to give you a short summary and then fill you in on what is coming. I am going to try to do at least a monthly update as I believe this is going to be a big year for me so feel free to ask me about it when I slack off! Your accountability helps and motivates me, so don’t hold back. O.K. so the last few months I have learned a couple things about myself…….

The main thing is that when deprived of sleep on a consistent basis due to pain I become cranky. When I am cranky it makes it more challenging to be positive. I do not like being cranky, nor do I like being sleep deprived or in constant pain. I am pretty sure the last couple months I have failed miserably at hiding my crankiness, unlike in the past when my lack of sleep and pain is more sporadic. Perhaps now would be a good time to apologize to anyone I may have offended or even annoyed with my crankiness. I am sorry and sincerely hope no one has personalized my behavior, it is not you I promise, it is all me….. It is lack of sleep and pain and frustration, so please forgive me and also feel free to call me out if you see said crankiness showing. I do not like this about myself, while I understand it and have a new understanding and sympathy for those living with constant pain, I still do not like how I let it affect me.

Just know I am working on it. After all I am alive and able to feel pain, that is a blessing. I am able to care for myself and work , and that is a blessing. I have awesome family and friends who put up with me and love me despite my crankiness and that too is a huge blessing. I am Blessed! Another thing that has been reconfirmed for me is my love for working out and how much it impacts my overall state of being. I have not been able to work out due to the hip pain, I tried and tired but it just was not going to happen so I have had to stop working out and it has been so hard. For me Aqua aerobics is therapeutic. Not only do I feel better physically when I am exercising on a regular basis, but I also realized it is a debriefing or releasing time for me of all the negativity that I deal with on a daily basis at work and just in life in general. It is as if when I enter the water and work out when I leave all the woes , worries, and stresses behind in the water. I knew I enjoyed working out but I realize it is a part of who I am and I need it, so not being able to do it has also impacted my crankiness! I look forward to getting back into the water ASAP. Which leads me to the upcoming year…….

So as many of you know and I mentioned in previous entries, I have a couple surgeries coming up. I am hoping to get the first done as soon as possible. I have only a couple more steps to complete before I can schedule it and one will be done this week. This first one is the weight loss surgery so that I can more quickly get more weight off so I can do the hip surgery. I have one more appointment this week then I have to raise $2500 for their lifetime program membership. It is a great program, and I believe in what they are doing however I can not schedule my surgery until that $2500 is paid and that will take time to get together. I am working on ideas and crossing my fingers for a big tax return. That being said if anyone has any ideas let me know, I am open and considering everything from yard sales to recycling! LOL Once I have that money I can get on the surgeons schedule. I will let you know as time goes on how things progress. After that I will be looking at the hip surgery, but I will tell you more about that as it gets closer. Getting these done gives me HOPE. I am making HOPE one of my words for the year. I believe in Hope. It keeps us going. I look forward to hiking, and bike riding and many adventures that at this point are out of reach for me but not out of reach forever! I also like the word Hope as I recently saw a image that said HOPE, Hang On Pain Ends

So …. Now you are all caught up and have a peek at what is coming. Please feel free to ask me questions and leave feedback, it truly encourages me to keep sharing. Thanks everyone….. With great love and appreciation know I am BLESSED and in part because of you!

In the Arena

HI, so it has been a while since I have written, which I am learning I can contribute in part to my fear of being vulnerable or in other words being Judged or Rejected. It certainly is not because I have nothing to say or have had no new developments, it is fear. So much thought, time and energy has gone into this topic this week and hence here I am. The short version for those of you skimming this………… I AM ENOUGH !

I had several opportunities this week to be vulnerable and there were moments I allowed myself to do just that and others when I held back and sat in the fear of “going there”. So having a week full of these opportunities provided me the chance to not only observe my behavior but to compare my thoughts and feelings in both situations. What I KNOW to be true is a couple things, First many of you may be glad to know (as I was) that you will not die if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. To this day NO one has ever died from being vulnerable. I also learned that the very thing we all desire, connection, only happens in a genuine way when we are vulnerable. I also experienced something very interesting, when I made the choice to be vulnerable and put the fear behind me, not only did I feel more connected but it also freed me up to feel and experience Joy. Yup Joy… Joy of connection, Joy of being seen, Joy of feeling courageous by being vulnerable………. And JOY is what I seek.

So if all this is true, the more vulnerable I allow myself to be does it follow the greater my Joy will be? I believe so, and I look forward to proving this truth to be so.

I also have observed that being vulnerable is not required of me in every situation , with every person. It is imperative we are careful when and where we show our vulnerability. Not everyone is ready or able to hold a safe place for me to be vulnerable, so I do have to be aware and choose when and where and with whom I am vulnerable. However I also can not use that as a excuse NOT to share with those whom are able and wiling to hold a safe place for me to be vulnerable. So I am working on this issue as it continues to come up for me, so just be aware that if or when you ask me how I am …. I just might tell you. IF you ask if I need help………. I just might need you. In return if I ask you either of these things please know I mean it and am willing to hold a safe place for you to be vulnerable and you do not have to give me a polite answer, I want to connect. Teddy Roosevelt said it best…… I will leave you with his quote below, but just know….. I am jumping in the arena.

Treadmill of Life, in the rain?

Have you ever felt like you were on a treadmill in life? Now I know that seems like a positive thing, right? Well sure if you are talking about exercise….. But not so much if you are talking about life progress! Perhaps I am a slow learner, as I currently feel as though I am on this treadmill working out, moving, being active, however getting nowhere. Now I know this in not the truth, but it is how I feel. So currently I am still dealing with the court/legal stuff hoping it should be coming to some sort of end here soon, but it still lingers like a gray cloud over head…… Just rain already!

Rain is not bad, but it “IS”. It is not ambiguous it is something that can be faced, dealt with, even appreciated. Rain is nurturing to the earth and we actually really need it right now…. As do I . I just need to move forward and have this legal stuff done, so I welcome the “rain” so I can learn, grow and move on to the next lesson. I know I will and am stronger because of it, but alas…….. Let it rain! So as this storm (Court) slowly passes other parts of the journey step forward. I find it interesting how connected all the steps of this journey are to one another yet bring their own lessons, blessings and challenges.

So this week I had my consultation with the Bariatric Surgeon, as recommended by the hip surgeon. (Oy Vey) So as mentioned in a previous entry this recommendation was a blow to my ego, which I fairly quickly had to get over because it is ridiculous to have the view point. I had to separate my accomplishments thus far with my current situation. All the hard work I have put in is not lessened by the current situation of possibly needing to have surgery. Who knew my ego was so fragile. It was a good lesson for me that everyone attaches their self worth to silly things, including myself. Somehow a part of me felt worthy or valued because of the hard work and success I had put in on my health without any surgery? That is ridiculous….

I can hear myself telling the hundreds of people I have come in contact with over the years “You are worthy and valuable, because you are” . So to honor my own words and practice what I preach I recognize my worth and value and refuse to attach any accomplishment to it. It just is! YEAH! So now I can step forward to the next part of the journey….. Meet with the surgeon.

So I had decided I was gong with a open mind and positive attitude despite my internal struggles with this whole idea of weight loss surgery after all these years because I now remember it is no reflection of my worth and/or value, nor does it take away from what I have done. So I go to the appointment and immediately hit it off with the girls at the front desk, then the nurse who comes to get me…. We are chatting, laughing having a nice conversation. I share some of my journey and how I ended up in their office, which leads me to sharing my before pictures. Well the reaction that followed was so unexpected. These people I just met and whom do not know me at all were so kind and compassionate I was floored. One woman just looked and then looked up at me and said “You are going to make me cry” …… HUH? I instantly knew I was in the right place. This woman and her coworkers were filled with compassion and kindness. They did not judge me as others , including medical professionals, have in the past. They saw me, my struggle, my journey, my success and failure all in one moment with a glance at a picture. I could also sense they were excited, genuinely excited, to be a part of my journey moving forward. One of them even said, well you are a part of our family now! WOW, that feels great.

All of this before I even get to the Doctor. Then I meet the doctor who was as equally supportive and encouraging as his staff. This man has the most sincere, gentle, kind smile ever seen. I knew when he told me something he was not just going through the motions or delivering me his spiel, he cares. For those of you whom have followed this blog from the beginning know that this is a very different experience for me. In short for those who don’t know…. The majority of the medical professionals I have encountered have been judgmental and at times out right rude and mean, needless to say, this was a welcomed experience with this doctor and his staff. Anyway, so the appointment went well. I discovered there are multiple people in my life who know this man and that it is likely we have been in the same place at the same time many times before…. Small world. So I am feeling much relief and even encouragement about this next step ….. Physically. Some of the other components of it….. Not so much. In short… Mostly the financial part is causing me great anxiety, but I will save that for another entry as I want to leave this on a positive note. I am grateful for this journey and how everything falls into place despite my unconscious efforts to get in my own way! LOL

One Step at a Time

Well….. My mind is swirling (again) with so many thoughts, questions, worries and confusion. I will try to put some order to my thoughts, be patient! So I attended a informational workshop about bariatric surgery. It covered everything from insurance to the three different surgery options with the pros and cons of each, they had a check list that seemed a mile long of things required to do prior to the surgery, phone numbers, contacts, BMI’s, recovery, cost, AHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I must admit I definitely faded in and out “consciousness” . O.K., O.K. so not really, but you know what I mean, that feeling of being overwhelmed and suddenly everything becomes background noise to the thoughts in your head and you really do not hear anything. This is exactly why I had to take a friend with me….. So someone a little more sane could pay attention and then later explain things to me that I missed while having my out of body experience! Despite feeling overwhelmed I will say once the Doctor came and started talking about the actual surgical options I oddly felt a little (stressing… LITTLE) more at ease. I attribute that to him, this Doctor had such a genuine kindness about him and what appeared to be a sincere concern about peoples health AND peoples right to choose, which I appreciated. As I listened to the choices and how this program worked I began to become very impressed as I was hearing things I had not heard before from others who have done bariatric surgery or other programs I knew of…. Hmmmm. After listening to all the information the most significant thing that stood out to me was this is a total program and not just a procedure or surgery. There is a dietician, counselor, support groups, educational components, access to TWO surgeons and a financial consultant. This program includes a pre-surgery portion as well as a large post-surgery portion and actually a lifetime access to services too. They require you meet with their team, one of the Doctors, the dietician, counselor, financial person etc…… This is amazing to me, I fully support this type of program as I have seen far too many people do surgery like this and not address the issues, how they got here, the life style before and after, what to expect after, dangers of not taking care of yourself properly and more. I have also seen people put the weight back on, or have other medical issues as a result of not following doctors orders.

So while I appreciate and respect a full program like this, these requirements are not all covered by insurance so my mind starts to swirl again….. First I am thinking is it inappropriate to have a bake sale to raise money for a weight loss surgery? Then unfortunately I go right to the current status of my court case and the agony and stress endured over the past few years dealing with those medical bills from the last surgery and still dealing with it over three years now…. OH MY…. I do not think I can do that again….. Then I remind myself they have a financial person to help with the insurance and make sure there are no hidden cost and everything is known up front….. I really appreciate that but I do know for sure I am facing a share of cost….. Or perhaps I change my insurance package and have little or no share of cost? IF I switch plans do I have to wait? If I have to wait, can I physically afford to put off this surgery knowing I am doing it so I can take care of my hip surgery? How long will my hip last before I can‘t wait any longer? …..

Oh and there is that part of the program not covered by insurance and they require you participate in it and have it paid for prior to scheduling the surgery… it is $2500.00. Uh oh…… getting overwhelmed again……. BREATHE….. In …. Out ….. In … Out….. I step at a time….. I can not continue being overwhelmed, it makes me sad and frustrated, so I need to focus and take one step at a time or I may not get through this…. So after I give myself a pep talk I try to put all this information a side and just schedule that first appointment with the Doctor for a consultation. So that is what I did and that is now my focus and next step!