While this journey is a lot of things, and each of us has our own individual path there is one thing no one can deny that we all have in common and that is this, It is a emotional journey. So those of you who have ever struggled with any level of weight issues, be it 5 lbs or 105 lbs the emotional journey is the same, a roller coaster. It is always interesting (and annoying) to me how a few simple numbers can make or break a person's spirit. One day the numbers are down, yeah celebrate, feeling good, the sun is shining , Life is good. A day, two days maybe a week later, the numbers are up, the internal critic starts in with all the usual degrading messages, the day seems bleak, sadness or melancholy sets in, ALL effort is for naught.
I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about but indulge me while I share my experience today or more accurately, my process.
First please excuse my writing/grammar as I continue, and fasten your seatbelts because I am going to share what was going on in my mind today (It is scary , you have been warned).
So I had a appointment with NVSA (North Valley Surgical Associates) and as usual I am feeling pretty good, looking forward to seeing all the beautiful, kind smiling faces in the office. Of course the first thing we do is go to the scale (insert daunting music here). So the lovely woman weighing me of course has no reaction she just writes down a number. We go to a room and I ask, because I did not catch where it landed between the teetering two numbers, she tells me and I say so what does that make the total? (NOW.. quick little detour here , I had a Doctors appointment with my primary care Doctor just about a week ago and so I had the number 59 in my mind from that appointment , ok back to today.)
So she tells me 56lbs down ....
So the 15 or so steps from the scale to the room, the following went through my mind...
- 56 lbs? WHAT? How can that be ?
-They told me just last week a number and the total was 59lbs!?
- What did I do to gain 3lbs in a week?
-Maybe the scales are just off a little, I am sure each scale is different
-Of course the scales are different, one is the standard classic weigh balanced scale the other is digital, so it must be that...
-Why is it not down any in a week?
-What have I done "wrong" ?
-Maybe it is the heat, I do retain more water in this level of heat?
-I need to be exercising
-I am a failure
-I will never get this weight off
-Why bother?
-Who am I fooling?
WOW, YES all those thoughts in a short 15 steps to the room. Thankfully those thoughts temporarily subsided while I had a pleasant conversation with Kristin about many things far more interesting than my "numbers" dilemma . As I was leaving I got loaded up with samples and even got 2 tasty treats to try before purchasing anything. Not only that but two other gifts, a protein drink shaker and a reusable grocery bag to carry my stuff home in, I love this place! So my mind has a brief respite from the crazy I submit myself to over simple small numbers, however as soon as I leave and get to my car... it is back on.
I get in my car to drive home and the negative, self deprecating messages resume and are quickly followed by those thoughts that tell me "screw it, might as well just get a real milkshake and forget about the stupid protein shakes". (You are all nodding your head right now aren't you?!)
Thankfully I have been on this journey long enough I recognize this particular ride and I remind myself it is just a rollercoaster and I can get off, so I do. My turn around time with this process has gotten much shorter. Yes, I still engage in the crazy, but I snap out of it quicker now and as time goes on each time the turnaround gets a little faster and the whole process a little less intense.
So for the record, I did not get a real milkshake and of course went home and had a protein shake. I also stopped and put into perspective the whole numbers issue... 56lbs in three months is nothing to be ashamed of and trying to figure out why the two numbers were different , higher, lower whatever is missing the big picture and minimizing a more important fact...
I AM DOWN (according to the NVSA scale, LOL) FIFTY SIX POUNDS IN THREE MONTHS!
So I am choosing now to focus on the things I need to do differently and the fact that I am heading in the right direction with the help of some amazing people and support from amazing friends and family. I am Blessed!
SO to wrap it up, PLEASE if you have ever gotten all crazy over your numbers, let this be a reminder to you that we all do it and it is nonsense, you are not alone and there is no shame is sharing your process with other, in fact it is liberating and it puts in place some great accountability and support. Please be kind to yourself AND if you are one of the few who has not ever dealt with this struggle you definitely know someone who has, so hopefully now you understand a little better just how cruel we actually are to ourselves, how much we torture ourselves, so please be patient and love us through it.
Just want to Thank all my Friends, Family and Medical team for all the patience and support.
I like your writing style. Its honest and makes you seem so adorable.
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