Here We Go Again......

OK , I am going to start by letting you all know this will be a scattered entry as this is my fourth attempt to start and I just have no idea how to start and which direction to go, so buckle up it should be a interesting ride. Before I get to the (my) heart of the matter let me say I know the past year or more there has not been consistent entries in this blog mostly because after the surgery to remove the loose skin things leveled out and were much smoother so I guess I did not have much to say. Well that being said I now find myself in a whole new situation that has placed me back on the roller coaster, of which I am not fond of or excited about, so I am thinking I may be writing more often…. IF there is still an interest. SO please if you are reading this either leave a comment (you can do it anonymously so you don’t have to sign up) or at least give me a “like” on the book of face so I know someone is reading, otherwise I will just go get a pretty journal! Thanks in advance. SO …. Some of you may have seen my ambiguous entry that really read like a rant of anger and self pity more then anything else , regardless in retrospect I realized I said nothing about what was causing all that emotional chaos, so I will explain myself and let you in on what is currently going on and some of the emotional issues I am revisiting and those I am encountering for the first time too.

To start , on the surface is a load of embarrassment and shame. Why you ask…. Well, despite my complete and total bill of health (yup I am a medical unicorn) I have been dealing with one thing, some hip/joint pain. Since I am blessed and grateful I have no medical issues like diabetes, high cholesterol or blood pressure issues, I figured a little hitch in my giddy up is nothing and I will deal with it……… and so I have been. I have been working with a physical therapist, whom I love and is amazing but we only got so far before it just wasn’t getting any better. So next my P.T. decides we need to get a x-ray just to rule out some things and see what exactly we are dealing with…. Hmmm….. OK. So we get the x-rays and then next thing I know I am getting a call from this Doctors office whom I have never heard of…. Hmmm… so I look up this Doctor and see he is a Hip replacement surgeon…. WHAT?!?!?!?! So now I am a little concerned but then remember my primary care physician mentioned a cortisone shot for the pain, that must be it. So I call and ask and they tell me I was referred just for a consultation, oh ok no big deal. So I go to the appointment and that is where my world quickly came falling down around me. (I know I am being dramatic, but in that moment it felt that way) So as this very nice Doctor begins to look at my x-rays and explaining to me what he sees my anxiety begins to quickly rise….. I could feel where this is going…. And then he just says it “A hip replacement is in your future that is for sure…… however…..” OH great a “However” what could he follow up that information with …. Then he says something that literally was the last thing I expected to hear, he says “Have you considered weight loss surgery?” ……. What jgioreuhcds jiscjin cdisjznj dcijvov isojavn !!!!!!!

SERIOUSLY….. I was so blindsided I really did not know what to think…… I told him my story of nearly 200lbs. Lost over the past 5-6 years, I pull out a before picture (always prepared for Doctors who don’t believe me!) He goes on… he acknowledges my effort , tells me all sorts of great things then goes back to the surgery… he explains that he is not going to do hip replacement surgery on me with my BMI being what it is and I need to loose more weight. Then he goes n and says there is this workshop I can go to just to get information…. It was about then I think my mind left my body because I didn’t’ hear much after that…… My mind began swirling with all sorts of thoughts….. And then the feelings fell quickly into line of course…. After all this hard work and the life style changes how do I end up right where I started??? Am I really that big of a failure? I didn’t work hard enough! This is a epic fail to have to get surgery after fighting so hard NOT to do the surgery.

This is BIG DECISION… So I try to get back into my body and listen to the doctor as I do feel like he has my best interest in mind. I hear him out and get information on the weekly information workshop on the bariatric surgery, he even gets me connected to the woman in charge of the program. So again I try to listen to her but I am reeling….. So I hang in there, then leave and head home….. Feeling totally overwhelmed now with this information of not one but at least two surgeries likely to be in my future , I look around for some place to unload (the emotional garbage) and only see my couch….. Enter a whole new set of feelings…… UGH!

SO………. This is the what I am facing, all the while living on Alieve for the constant daily pain. With all this happening as I mentioned earlier I am seeing a whole new chapter / phase to my journey and will have much to write about, so again let me know if it is worth sharing…. I am going to end this one here for now …. I just wanted to fill in those of you whom may have been wondering what the heck sent me on that last rant. I will let you know what I find out, this is the very beginning stages and I have barely begun even researching any of this stuff, but alas I will, so more to come.

Thanks ….. I am ending this with a saying I saw that I believe was sent through divine intervention, because the timing was perfect.

FEELINGS....... BOO HISS

OK………. Warning, what your about to read is neither positive nor inspiring. It is raw feelings from the moment. I can not even guarantee it will make any sense. I am just feeling the need to “get it out”, so here I go…………… I am so mad at myself right now, so disappointed and frustrated that I can hardly stand myself. Then as I sit in my anger it only takes a few moments before I just become sad or more accurately scared. THEN…. Taking a deep breathe I realize, NO I am actually Mad, Sad and Scared all at once, greeeeeeeaaaaat!!!!!!!!!!

I am Mad at myself for numerous reasons…..

I am Sad that I am feeling lost and alone with decisions / choices to face where none appear good options….

I am Scared at what may come… the unknown has never been something I am good with…… So what do I do with all this…. Oh I know turn to my couch and tell it how I am feeling, yes that will make things better. And Why is it as soon as you open the door to even the slightest negativity, before you know it, the door is busted open with all the rest of the struggles you have been managing from day to day, but now in this moment, you are quickly reminded of so that you can add being overwhelmed to the list of fun feelings you are experiencing…. WOW such delight. None of this is probably near as awful as it feels but that little fact doesn’t matter when your feeling it. It is sort of like that saying “This too shall pass” …. Well sure it will, However while it is here…. It Sucks! It is amazing how easy it is to go to that “crazy” state of mind….. That circular thought process that just grows like a good whirlpool, getting bigger, crazier, building up speed …… Someone make it stop….. Toss me a life jacket….. Or better yet jump on in with me it is definitely a ride to remember! OK…. So that’s is it for now… Just felt the need to get that out of my head…. And let ya all know, Crazy loves crazy!

Vulnerable AGAIN!

This very moment as I sit here writing I ask myself…… “ Are you sure you want to do this?” I do not know about everyone but to me the scariest thing in the world is to be vulnerable. When I am feeling vulnerable, I feel exposed. What if I expose myself as weak, a fraud, or dependant, incapable? OH it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I have written about this before as some of you may remember and apparently I have either forgotten the lesson or I need a refresher course because here I am again. Oy Vey

Those of you who know me are aware of how much I hate feeling vulnerable, so much so I will do anything to avoid it, Yet here I am.. So again I must change my perspective on this thing I so want to avoid, vulnerability. I know in my head all the things I tell people every day…… “There is no shame in being vulnerable, it makes you human.” , “ Being Vulnerable just means you are so brave” , “Allowing others to be supportive when your vulnerable is a gift for both of you”…… and I could go on….. But for some reason My heart is still scared. I get it…. I talk about it…. I even teach it…. But right now…. I fear it! So what is stirring up these feelings of being vulnerable you ask….. I hit a wall with my physical therapist. My second to last session we were working and she hit some point that made me jump through the roof. It scared her and myself. It was bad….. Many of you know I have a very high tolerance for pain but this time she hit the tender spot and it floored me. I crumbled, the pain was so bad I burst into tears, which again should signify how bad it was because this is not something I do….. Grin and bear it is usually my method of operation. Needless to say it scared both myself and my PT. So after much discussion it was decided I needed to get some xrays to see what is going on OR to rule out some things. This started my tail spin….. I put off getting the x-ray out of fear…. for a while , but it wasn’t getting any better and I had to stop working out ( and ya all know I love my pool workouts) so this was now taking a toll on my “spirit”. SO the more I was feeling physically vulnerable the deeper my emotional vulnerability grew as well. What are my choices here…. I had to ask myself once again, what have I got to loose by just exposing myself and being vulnerable????? Nothing! What have I to gain….. EVERYTHING! So I have been slowly exposing myself, testing the waters… and all I keep finding is I have surrounded myself with the most amazing people, no one has judged me, no one has been critical or insensitive except for myself. So here again I learn I can be vulnerable, it is safe because I have the best of the best around me. The kindest, most patient, generous, thoughtful and loving people. So to those of you in my life….. I want to THANK YOU for again proving to me that I will not die if I expose myself and am vulnerable. We all feel vulnerable from time to time…. And it doesn’t not take away from my independence, or strength if I am from time to time vulnerable.

SO as for this physical issue, first let me remind you I am still and always will be a medical unicorn, however I tend to acquire these unusual things but they will and do go away. Everything else is great, just got a “Hitch in my giddy-up” it is a hip/joint thing where the soft tissue is getting pinched… hard to explain and not even the point of my sharing today but if you really want to know Google “Femoral Acetabular Impingement” that will give you an idea. However, my point here is vulnerability is not the end of the world and actually nothing feels better then allowing someone to be with you when you feel vulnerable, so give it a try… I recommend you find those you trust and let it all out… it makes it easier to move forward. Thanks to all my wonderful supportive friends. I love you more then you can know, thanks for teaching me once again, I am not alone so I should stop acting like I am!

Medical Unicorn

Medical Unicorn ….. What exactly is a medical unicorn, well what do we know about unicorns? They are incredibly rare, elusive creatures…. Many believe but have never experienced one, others always doubt their very existence. There are many different types of unicorns but today I want to share with you my latest good news….. I am in fact a Medical Unicorn and I have the documentation to back it up! %COL

Now I realize this may seem silly to many of you but for me this is huge because I have spent my whole life being judge not only by people in general but also by medical professionals ,which in part has added to my inability to find providers with whom I am comfortable. Every time I tell them I am not on any medication, they look at me like I am lying. I actually had one ask me if I had been prescribed medication but chose not to take it, because of course that must be the explanation. The trip to the Emergency room that time I blacked out…. Yes that was the best… every time a new nurse or Doctor would come in it would be the same thing… look of doubt. Despite the fact that they had literally ran EVERY test possible on me including MRI, CAT scan, blood test x-rays, literally everything test, and nothing came up, they still did not believe it and thus they ran several of the test twice. Not even kidding. That was a few years ago and I had nothing then and I am happy to report….. Still Nothing!

Just completed several different test, blood work, complete physical and nothing…. Not a single issue or concern. NO diabetes, cholesterol fine, blood pressure perfect…….. Nothing…. Making me a Medical Unicorn! So yeah me…. But more importantly, Please do not judge a book by it’s cover. I know that is a old saying but seriously you do not know everyone’s story. When you do not know their story, don’t just make it up, and do not assume things based on some surface or superficial observations. I also just want to plug the importance of a happy, healthy mind and spirit! Health is not just about our physical bodies, we are actually more affected by our emotional and spiritual well being so Please do not neglect all the parts of who you are…. Take care of yourselves, there are people who are counting on you and love you so destress and breathe! Say No to “Dis- ease” ! Thanks for stopping by and please let me know you stopped by or if you have any questions.

Update Addition.... The good stuff!

Hi, so after posting my recent update to this blog I realized something was missing. While it had the basic facts and some exciting news I left out some important stuff, you know that stuff that would perhaps be embarrassing if I included it but the very stuff I promised myself to share as it is a emotional journey as much or perhaps more then a physical one. SO…. Here I am with a addition to the update! HOPE……. So what I left out from the last blog update was some of the emotional things I experienced after realizing I have finally found some professionals I am excited and even eager to work with….. Yes excited. One of the things some of you may know but for the most part I keep to myself is the fact that I pretty much live with pain. I just tolerate and deal with it.

I do not take medication and I try not to complain about it because “it is what it is” …… or is it? While I had resigned to a life of pain, I did not like that idea but I felt so much better then before the weight loss so I was willing to just deal with it. I mean after all I brought it on myself. I figured I was the one who was so hard on my body for so many years so dealing with some pain was just a natural consequence. Again keep in mind I was so very grateful for all the success I have had thus far and seen so many positive changes, so when weighing (punny huh?) that against the pain…. Well why complain, just deal!

For perspective let me fill you in on what kind of pain I am talking about….. Standing, sitting for too long, stairs, walking, sleeping, putting on shoes and socks, picking up stuff off the floor….. Yup you guessed it pretty much always. I have to say for the most part I manage it well but the hard part is how limiting it is… Do you know how frustrating it is not to be able to put socks on? Think about that for one minute…… Or basic walking and going up stairs…. Constantly left behind by others….. This is often humiliating and down right depressing, but I push through, accepting it as it is my life, and I am grateful for how far I have come and continue to grow.

Well at a recent physical therapy appointment I was told several things that not only made me realize my “it is what it is” thinking is faulty but I can and should have hope. Only three appointments into my physical therapy my physical therapist tells me I have strong muscles which she tells me translates to her I will be able to kick these current issues. She continues to tell me how I have great flexible ligaments which will also make my healing easier. Then she adds that my joints are also in great shape. She has a name for my issues and a it is not “life long pain”, she explains it to me, shows me on “skinny” ,the skeleton ,what is happening. She explains the process ahead and that she is CONFIDENT she can help me. WHAT? What exactly does that mean I wonder….. So I ask about what kind of results I can expect. Here is the short version of what I learned about what I can expect as far as results…… I will be having a garage / bake sale to raise money for the bike I am going to buy! Upon getting my bike I will ride it happily without pain! (unless of course I fall… after all physical therapy can’t change clumsy! COL) So after having this discussion with her I went to my car and just sat in the parking lot for a while…. I sat there in shock, Shock that something I had resigned to and accepted as a part of life…. Well is no longer true. From shock I went to complete and total bliss from the HOPE I now had and once had previously let go of. HOPE my friends is everything. I can not wait to walk without pain, to be able to do the daily life things that so many take for granted, and to do them without pain. I am grateful for my renewed sense of HOPE! I am grateful and blessed to have such a amazing Physical therapist who is as excited as I am at the potential I am facing with her help! So there it is….. The rest of the story. Until next time…. Never give up HOPE, and Never settle!

Big Blog Update !

HI , It has been more then a year since I have written in this blog and recently I was thinking about life and my journey and everything I have been through and decided I wanted to do a update. So I have had some recent experiences that are so very different from where I started and my experiences in the begin that I wanted to share them first. Those of you who have been with me from the beginning will appreciate these stories more than others but perhaps for others it will inspire them to go back and read the blog from the beginning. In the beginning I had such a hard time finding supportive, understanding, non-judgmental professional support. I had repeated bad experiences trying to find a primary care provider, finally gave up on that and focused on other support professionals. I finally ended up with a weight management doctor who taught me a lot. I found a excellent trainer who changed my life, but then somewhere along the journey I lost both of them. I would then find a good support in other types of providers, and I figured out I really had to keep advocating for myself until I get my needs met…. What a lesson. Still at times it would seem easier to throw in the towel and just deal, but then something would come through in a positive way. Like the plastic surgeon who did my skin removal, she was great, probably the best care I have ever received and I felt she not only cared but was actually invested in my success and health. Anyway… it was hard in the beginning, but as time moved forward it kept improving.

So where am I at with this issue now……. Happy to say I finally found and secured a awesome primary care provider (after years without one) and she is already hooking me up to other professionals to add to my team to help me become the best , healthiest me I can become. I feel like she really cares and listens, this has become so refreshing as I haven’t felt that from most medical professionals. Anyway I am very happy with my new primary care provider and she is already connecting me to other amazing providers like my new favorite medical professional, my physical therapist. I have a lead on a massage therapist as well, woot woot. So as you are probably figuring out yes, I am dealing with some medical stuff but rest assured it is nothing serious and in fact nothing remotely of concern because a plan is getting in place. Actually my issues are directly related to the weight loss and my body adjusting , well or not adjusting so smoothly to the changes. It is a long story if you really are interested message, email or call me I can explain, short version…… I have a frozen (locked) hip, hence physical therapy and massage. Anyway…. I am so excited because we are having success and there is a very bright light at the end of this tunnel. I am excited because for a few years now after the weight loss I thought I just had to deal with some of these odd little aches and pains and I thought I would always struggle with certain things just because of how hard I was on my body for so many years. I just accepted it…… now come to find out I will have great improvement and likely be pain free! WOW very exciting.

So again I am learning never give up and never settle. I am still discovering new things out about my body after having the excess skin removed and every time it fascinates me. With this latest chapter I look forward to new adventures and checking things off the bucket list that I thought would never come off that list. OH … OH….. And nothing better then a medical professional telling you how strong you are and what great muscles you have, even in your “glutes” ! What?? Did I hear that right? Yup! Oh and how impressed they are with my flexibility! Thank You aqua aerobics! SO… nice to hear those things when you spent a entire life hearing how bad your body is, how broken it is, how much damage you have done to it blah blah blah….. I have great strong muscles AND I am flexible, so watch out!

So there is your update, if you have any interest in more entries from the big blog, let me know. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Hi, so it has been a long time since I have written anything but I recently have had an experience that has reminded me that while I have come so far personally, I am still an obese woman in a culture that despite its high obesity rate, still judges me and is not always accepting. After a wonderful vacation with lifelong friends who are supportive and accepting of me I was relaxed and riding high off the love we share when that all came to a screeching halt in a matter of moments. Knowing people may be uncomfortable being seated next to a large person I made a decision years ago that I would do my part by smiling at the people boarding and make eye contact to hopefully let them, non verbally, know I was O.K. hopefully they will be at least a little less uncomfortable. This thought that it may be easier for people to be comfortable if I was comfortable was clearly not the situation this time.

So smiling at the people as they board a handsome fit young man, late 20’s early 30’s, stops at the seat next to me and begins to put his bag under the seat and he says “Hi”, but never makes eye contact, I respond with a pleasant “Hello” and smile at him trying to make eye contact but that never happened. He sits down and from the get go is very fidgety and seems uncomfortable but at this point I am not assuming it is because of me, (because after all I am cute , smart and funny,) but perhaps his anxiety about flying or something else going on in his life. He pulls out a magazine and tries to read but never stops fidgeting in his seat, scooting back and forth, leaning forward then sitting up constantly moving in his seat. So I surrender to the fact that we are likely not going to be having any pleasant flight conversation and I let him continue to attempt to get involved in his magazine and give up trying to make eye contact.

This behavior continues as the plane takes off and we get going………..Then the fasten seat belt sign goes off and before the little “bing” sound can even fade this man unbuckles and gets out of his seat. Again not thinking anything of it I enjoy the view from above and then I see from the corner of my eye he doesn’t go anywhere when he gets up but to the row behind us and across the isle to talk to the man in the isle seat. Still not thinking a thing other then maybe he knows him but that is strange why wouldn’t he have spoken to him until now if he knows him? Hmm? Oh well.

Then he comes back to his seat starts to reach under the seat for his bag and then he taps me and nods his head in that “hey” kind of way, never making eye contact yet again, and he proceeds to the row where he spoke to the man in the isle seat, he climbs over him and takes the open center seat. WHAT???? Now I am starting to think, oh my…. Maybe this is about me. So I notice him putting his nose back in the magazine and it becomes obvious he does not know that man on the isle but was simply asking him if he could sit in the open seat between him and the man in the window seat. OUCH! I have to be honest it was like a dagger to my heart! Am I so repulsive that this grown man would rather seat in the middle seat (no one wants the middle seat) between two other men then next to me? REALLY? So being truthful…….. I was so hurt by this action and became so emotional I almost began to cry. It was the first time in a long time I have felt so vulnerable, insecure, ashamed and embarrassed about who I am. Every negative moment and/or bad situation I ever experienced in relation to my physicality in this world came rushing back to me along with all the feelings. Although it was a passing experience this was not something I would wish upon anyone….. Ever. However….. Thankfully it did not last, in its full intensity, for very long. Quickly I was reminded of something…… HEY….. I AM…. CUTE, SMART AND FUNNY!!! This is not about me… I was not the one who was uncomfortable, I was not the one who felt the need to change seats, I was not the one unable to make eye contact with another human being. Once I remembered this I started to actually feel some empathy for this man. How insecure must he be to feel so uncomfortable with another human being based on their physicality? This made me a little sad for him. I was validated that this incident was not about me when I saw this man later at the baggage claim carousal and observed him in an interaction with another man who was …. Well let’s just say, socially awkward. My ex-travel mate was very dismissive of this clumsy young man as he tried to make small talk with him at the baggage claim and again, while not about the socially challenged young man it seemed uncomfortable for both of them and I hoped he (the clumsy one) would either be oblivious to the awkwardness or not personalize the other mans behavior. This Young handsome fit man clearly has some unresolved pain or issues that cause him to behave in this way, so I was reminded that EVERYONE, regardless of appearances has a story and we can not assume anything about others including that their behavior or choices have anything to do with us. I can not personalize others behaviors, it’s not about me. My wish for all of us is that we keep this in mind when dealing with challenging situations and that we understand it is up to us to take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves and find our value and worth in ourselves and not rely on society or others to give us that gift. Sending much love to all, K

Little Help!

HI , I know it has been a while and I think I almost had given up on the blog but I am going to do this one and enlist some help from you all so it will not be a typical entry. Let me start by telling you I understand you have to “open an account” to leave messages on the actual blog, however I want to encourage you to go ahead and either send me a message or leave a post on my FB page. I value your feedback and opinions. SO let me start by wrapping up 2012! It was a banner year, lots happened, some good, some challenging, some great! The biggest thing related to my weight journey was the excess skin removal surgery which was very successful however also created some unsuspecting challenges throughout the year. I will spare you the long list but tell you that I think despite all the challenges I managed to keep my spirits up and I really feel overall it was a great year. That being said I find myself confused and challenged and this is why I am enlisting your help.

So what I am seeking help with is two challenges, one (and the most obvious) is what direction, if any would be interesting to take this blog? What questions have I left up addressed? What things are you still curious about? Or has it reached its end. Second and a lot more personal, is what feedback or challenges do you have for me personally. What have you observed? What am I avoiding, dancing around, or just plain not seeing? I know for some of you this may not be something you can answer as either you do not know me very well or you are not currently around me enough to offer suggestions / questions. However I do think most of you are intelligent enough and insightful enough to see where I may be missing something. SO I implore all of you to let me have it… I can only grow if I am open and honest with myself and so please do not hold back. Thanks in advanced and I promise to do a more classic entry in the very near future.

Balanced Web

REALLY? Ever wonder why we are such slow learners of life’s lessons? I do! (cuz I am) So recently I have been reminded that caring for oneself is more then any one single aspect of life but truly encompasses all aspects of life and should we neglect any one of them we may….. Well….. find ourselves face first down on the cement. So for several years now I have been pretty focused on my health, striving to become as healthy as possible. As you know if you have read the prior blogs you know along the way I have also taken a hard look at why I have done the things I have as well as paying attention to the feelings that arise through the process. So I believe I have actually given much time and energy to all aspects connected to my health in general, that being said I also believe, now, it has distracted me from some other aspects that perhaps I should have not neglected. Humor me (or more like be patient) for a minute while I try to explain an analogy that has come to me.

So we have all seen the complex, strong and complete web that seems unbreakable due to its perfect balance and completion. Then there are those webs we see that are fragile and broken at some point, you know the slightest wind may bring the whole thing down in a quick passing moment. Well I am learning that when I am too focused on one part, or even a few parts of life; i.e. health, and neglecting other aspects of life, I too am weakening my total life, growing fragile and vulnerable to collapsing under even the slightest wind.

So to prevent future incidents I will be working on ….. Wait for it….. wait……… BALANCE! So as I continue to forge ahead on this crazy journey I will be tenacious about finding that balance, tending to all parts of my life, knowing I can build a strong, complete and balanced web to live within! I will share more about the specific areas / issues in future entries. (Those of you who know me should appreciate the “web” analogy for many reasons!) I want to also just remind you all that as this sojourn continues I do appreciate any observations or insights you may have for me, I do firmly believe that accountability and community has been key to my success, so let me know if you observe or perceive me doing something out of balance. Thanks ahead of time! With great Appreciate and Love, Kathryn

RELAPSE

So I bet the title has you wondering….. It may not be what you think. I know when we see/hear the word relapse we tend to think of “falling” off whatever wagon has been our substance or distraction of choice, be it drugs, alcohol, food or even bad relationships. In my case I bet you are expecting to hear about a binge, major diet failure, or weight gain, well it is none of those things. For me (this time) I relapsed with fear.

While it was short lived it was still a very powerful moment for me in my awareness and insight as I forge on with this life. Let me share with you what brought about this realization that if I do not keep my fear in check it can and will take my life down a path I do not want to go. As some of you know I started back at the gym this month after being away from it for only two months. Now I say “only” because in relation to how long I have now been going to the gym, two months is a short amount of time in the complete span of things, however it apparently was long enough for my fear and anxiety to come back about being in the gym environment. So I was taking a break at work and walking out to my car to get my gym back so I could change and get ready for the gym after work…….. When I noticed that I was suddenly feeling very anxious. You know that uncomfortable feeling we all try to avoid……Why was I feeling anxious? What is this all about? Things at work have been a bit crazy but …… No, that’s not it…….Hmmmmm….. I have some bills I need to take care of, is it that? Hmmmmmm……It really came on rather suddenly so I was caught off guard. I walked back into work and I was going down the list of possibilities yet nothing seemed to ring true, huh? Since I could not figure it out I just tried to ignore it and get back to work. So the time came around for me to get changed for the gym and as I looked at my gym bag and went to reach for it ……. SMACK… It hit me…… I was anxious about going to the gym.

WHAT? This felt like the anxiety I had when I first was looking for a gym to join, or the time I had to leave my comfortable old ghetto gym and find a new one….. While it was a flash back (relapse) to an old feeling it was very real and very present yet again. It made me realize just how true the one day at a time saying truly is with any struggle. So the good news is I have again faced this fear and anxiety and I am slowly regaining my stride and finding my footing. The relapse while very real was overcome by the reminder of my previous strength and ability to face and conquer those fears. So onward I go, pressing forward, continuing the journey, including getting my butt back at the gym! So do not underestimate fears, and rest assured that even when we think we have overcome one it will rear it’s ugly head again and test you yet again…….. Be Strong! Kathryn

Changes ......

So the weirdness has begun! I mean that of course in only the best way. Life after the removal of thirty excess pounds of skin is very odd. Everyday I experience and / or observe something new, different and often strange. Some things that perhaps we never give any thought to are now daily in my awareness. Have you ever thought about how you stand at the sink in the kitchen? Or while you brush your teeth? When was the last time you thought about how you “move” in the world? How you stand, sit, walk? How much of what you do is “automatic” or habit? These are all things I am discovering at a rapid rate It seems silly but so much of what we do really takes no actual brain activity, as I am realizing I keep doing things that I don’t have to do any longer. One silly example is the whole bellybutton thing…..

So when do you clean out your belly button? Perhaps like me you do it as a part of your daily shower or bath routine, seems logical right….. Well what if you no longer have a belly button? It has been a couple months and I still find myself searching for my damn belly button to wash it out…. HELLO, it’s gone! (FYI- I took a break and showered before posting this and guess what?…… No really guess….That’s right even after having just written about it…. I went looking for my Bellybutton! Oy Vey!) There are several things that I do based on years of carrying that extra weight and bulk that I wonder how long it will take before I stop doing them and create new habits and rituals. The one thing I hope I never do is take for granted how blessed I am on so many levels, including getting to experience my body and physical earthly existence in a whole new way after almost fifty years. I can not wait for the next fifty; it is like being born again! Can I get an AMEN! LOL

O.K. Some of you will think the rest of this is crazy so just stop here! BUT, many of you have asked about this so I am going to do my best to explain something. I have been getting asked a lot since my surgery is “What does it feel like?” This is a hard one because there are several sensations that I have been experiencing at different times, however I will try to explain the main overriding feeling that is fairly consistent. O.K. Since I can not figure out the words to express this I have come up with a little demonstration you can do on yourselves. Come on …. No One is looking, just do it…… First straighten your arm out, now you know that part on the inside of your arm where it bends? The super fragile, softer then the rest of the skin part…. OK… Now take either two fingers or maybe your thumb and index finger and place them together in the middle of that spot on your arm…. OK Now with some pressure pull them apart as if you were trying to stretch that skin, THAT is what it feels like along my scar. That’s the best I can do….. I hope it helps those who were curious. LOL O.K. that is it for now….. Back to the Gym next week!

I am excited to get back in the water and see how things have change with my exercise abilities….. I will let ya all know! Thanks for all the support and encouragement, keep the feed back coming.

With great Love & Appreciation, Kathryn