Strange Trip

It IS a Long Strange Trip…………I want to emphasize “IS” because it is not over. This last chapter of my journey has been a big one and a literal transformation like no other physically, but as you know if you have been with me or following my journey, this journey has been so much more. That being said I am going to focus this entry on the physical part since it is a large part of my most recent days and I am sure many are curious. So here goes…………. Depending on how long you have known me, how long it has been since you have seen me, or how long you have been reading about my journey will determine how much you know about where this all started. I want to encourage those of you who are new to my blog to go to the archives and read some of the earlier entries for some perspective, but for now I will do my best. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago I came across a picture of myself that I did not know at the time, but later I would come to know as the catalyst towards my health and weight loss journey. With no gastric bypass or other weight loss surgery I set out to get myself out of this situation which I had clearly gotten myself into………… One step at a time I am managing to take the weight off, my most recent experience was having some loose skin removed that I have been carrying around as a result of this weight loss.

To this point I have lost approximately 200+ lbs. which you can imagine has created some interesting or better said challenging body issues for me. When I say body issues I am talking about more then your typical body image issues that we all face and more specifically the literal physical issues my body has been dealing with as a result of carrying a large amount of loose skin. I could spend a whole lot of time talking about the plethora of special and unique issues that I have been dealing with surrounding this loose skin, however the easiest way to explain it is for you to take a moment to do a mini visualization with me…….. Ready…….. Imagine you are getting ready for your day, you are getting dressed and the first thing I want you to put on is the extra large “fanny pack”. Put it on in front, around your waist so that it hangs below your waist as designed. Now load it up with THIRTY POUNDS of rice (for perspective those are 20 lb. bags of rice).

Now dress yourself putting the clothes over the fanny pack. How do your clothes fit? How is your back feeling? Is walking, or for that matter even sitting comfortable? Can you reach around that fanny pack to put your shoes and socks on? Is that fanny pack getting in the way of you driving? Sitting in chairs? In booths at a restaurant? Fitting in public restrooms? I could go on and on with possible issues you will face while having this 30 lbs. of rice in your fanny pack but I will stop here, you are getting the idea, the images…….. So as you visualize this feat, how are you feeling? Frustrated? Angry or Irritated? Happy as a clam? (Doubt that one) O.K. SO now you have been on a mini visualization with me……. I am now going to wave my magic wand…..

PrestO, ChangeO your thirty pounds of rice are gone! (I always wanted to be a magician!) I am sure you can imagine that while very positive and glad to get rid of that fanny pack there are now some new adjustments to make and get use to! This part has been so interesting. I find myself doing things in a way I no longer have to, but based on 20+ years of history accommodating the weight, doing things a certain way, it literally is “What I know”. For example I am use to bracing myself as I approach any chair, or I have to stand a certain distance from every counter top when I do dishes or brush my teeth, because I have that excess in the way………….. So now I keep observing myself standing further away from counters then needed and bending way over unnecessarily, just because it is what I have done for so long and I am not yet use to my new body. Weird huh? It has been interesting….. Oh and most amusing has been while showering, reaching for my belly button to clean it out and not finding it! LOL Yep I have done that more then once! Anyway, so that is sort of what is going on for me at this point as I continue to heal and adjust to this new body. OH I forgot to mention something I found very exciting….. I discovered something I had never seen before….. Wait for it….. Wait……… I HAVE A LAP! Yes I have a lap, bet you never thought about that… I have not had a lap for years because that space was taken up by skin! Needless to say this is fun, so do not be surprised if I ask you to sit on my lap next time I see you! And if I don’t , well feel free to ask me if you can and I will include a free Big Hug! So that is it for this entry, again please feel free to ask questions and leave comments, include your name please so I can get back to you. Thanks

NOTE: Below is a entry I complted a while ago but I was having issues with the site so I was unable to post. So it is old but part of the process, new one coming soon.Thanks, K

2/18/2012 blog OY VEY, Postponed! SO…….. I got a call from my Doctors office letting me know my surgery date has been postponed, ugh. (FYI , new date 3-20-2012) Seems I am on the roller coaster again, been here before! So at first it felt like this whole surgery thing was happening so fast, no time to worry or fret, which I was actually grateful for. I had just enough time to get my plans in place and deal with feelings around having to ask for help and allowing people to participate in my recovery, Trusting others, being vulnerable…… You know all that stuff I love and do so well…..NOT. Anyway, dealing with all that did not allow for my mind to wonder too much about the actual surgery, it also forced me to quickly manage the uncomfortable feelings I mentioned above. But Now…….. Now I find I am having to sit with a little anxiety around what if’s……. and the simple thought of “What will it physically feel like?”, “What will I look like?”, “How will clothes fit?”, “How will it change what I can do?” I can go on and on but you get the idea. However I find I am feeling more like whatever will be will be and thus I end up back with the anxiety of trusting others with my vulnerable state of being. So now on top of facing those fears and feelings I now am looking at the “You’re deserving and worthy” issues. While I know this in my head the idea of having to ask those who have so graciously offered their help, to now rearrange their schedules due to the postponed surgery date, just feels like asking for too much. I say feels because again I “know” (and have been told by these gracious folks) that is ReDonkUlous (yes I said redonkulous!J ). Redonkulous or not feelings are what they are! So I sit with them and work on moving the “knowing” down about 12 inches to my heart so I can feel it…… It is coming along! J So I am embracing my current cocoon and looking forward to breaking out, opening my wings and setting out to soar to new and exciting places! Look out world this Butterfly is about to set itself free! Thanks to all who have been so graciously offering their help and support, it is often unfathomable to me how blessed I am.

Invisible?

So as I continue to peal off the layers (literally) I keep finding out more and more things about myself that somewhat surprise me, but then again ……. Not really! So you know how you hear obese people talk about feeling people treat them like they are invisible, ignoring them, walking by not making eye contact, pretending they don’t see you need a hand or they don’t hear that person degrading you. Or sometimes you might hear obese people talk about wanting to be invisible, either way I always found it so unusual. I mean really invisible? How can someone as large as me not been seen? Hello…. It’s me obese woman! Still human, drawing breath, yes fat, but still human. Well…… tonight as I was leaving the gym I had an experience that made me stop, think and really open my eyes to a whole new perspective of this concept. I had clearly hidden this different perspective deep below my surface nonchalant attitude of “It is their problem, not mine”; I talked as if I did not care. I think I convinced myself that I did not care and it was not my issue but an issue of society, the world’s acceptance of bad behavior, lack of compassion and empathy. Tonight I realized it is my problem. It is, in part, the way I carry myself, the way I view my position in this world, the way I have felt about myself, I was telling the world…… “Hey, don’t look at me, I’m invisible”, or so I wished I was at least. The situation this evening that made me start thinking about all this was one that reminded me of several other similar situations. I was leaving the gym and as I was walking out, casually glancing around the room, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, I saw the Director from my work; I quickly looked away even though she was looking my direction. When I realized I looked away I thought to myself “That was rude, wave Hello”, so I made eye contact and waved and smiled……. Then went to my car and started thinking…… It is not the rest of the world that thinks I am invisible, I THINK I AM INVISIBLE! Or I act as if I am invisible, not wanting to be seen, trying to hide. Yet another way Fear, Vulnerability and trust rear their ugly head. If I pretend to be invisible I am not a target for judgment, ridicule or any other form of vulnerability. So it was not the world that was not seeing me or ignoring me it was me hiding from the world. I was reminded of another recent and similar event where I was sure I was invisible and as a result I was just rude. So yet again, walking out of the gym, glancing around this time I see a very handsome man running on the treadmill, he smiles and waves and I literal kept walking wondering who he was waving at because no one else was around. Obviously (in my head) he could not have been gesturing to me, I mean come on a good looking guy at the gym smiling at me….. Uh No couldn’t be. Anyway I kept walking, I get to my car and it dawns on me………….I know who that was….. I know him….. He was gesturing to me and I totally just ignored him.(not my brightest move) It was a gentleman who owns the garage where I got my oil changed. We had a nice conversation while I was there, he is a relative of a friend of mine and he even gave me the “family discount”, and I just ignored him because of my own twisted thinking and insecurities, DOH! I know crazy right? Well just so you all know I did see him again and I made sure to make eye contact, smile and wave first. So while I do think I have come a long way in this area, becoming more comfortable in my own skin, even the excess skin, (sorry couldn’t resist) I clearly still have some growing to do. I think I started to become more comfortable with being less invisible the moment I started wearing the ZEBRA jacket my friend Erin bought for me, but now I better start working on getting comfortable with being “seen” at the gym. “I am NOT Invisible!”

Save the Date!

Hi, so in the effort of working on building trust and accepting my vulnerabilities I am going to share some more information regarding my process. Some of you will already know this, some of you may have deducted this from the last entry, either way I want to make it official because in doing so it becomes a reality I have to deal with and that will allow me to work on my aversion to vulnerability as well as allow me to work on building trust with those of you reading. I have, after much effort to stall and avoid following through, scheduled my surgery. Yes it is scheduled for February 21st, Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I had NO idea when I went for my consultation that once the approval came through I would have 90 days to get it done! I guess I was hoping I could continue to talk about it and put it off a while longer, but no such luck! O.K. So now that I have a date the interesting thing is I have gone into super planner / preparer mode. Those of you, who know me well, know that I am not a planner by nature, yet my first reaction was to get planning. So again I ask myself “What’s that about?” Having never had any surgery, never been in a hospital other then to visit others, (except once at 5 yr.s old to get a cast put on) I thought I would be more concerned about the actual surgery. The couple people I told about it went right to the anxiety about surgery or perhaps fear, but I could not stop thinking about how I was going to manage after, the recovery. So what I realized (yet again) was this was on my mind because this was the part where I would have to ASK for and Allow others to help me out! WHAT?! NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo that means being vulnerable, I thought I was handling that by going and talking to a Doctor and scheduling the surgery….. Now I have to ask others in my life for assistance! WOW, I know this keeps coming up but I had no idea how hard it was going to be to address vulnerability with those I love and care about…….. Now I would have guessed it would be more challenging to face being vulnerable with those I do not know, the Doctors, nurses and other professionals. Regardless of whom it is the theme of accepting my vulnerabilities and allowing others to assist is not going away so I press on and work on the acceptance. No use in fighting it and frankly when I take, what seems to me to be a huge risk, I continue to experience the warm loving feeling of real support. So I continue to accept my vulnerabilities and welcome the chance to grow more and more comfortable with receiving help. Thank You to all of you who have not taken my behavior personal and still remain supportive and loving offering your help in a multitude of ways. I do truly appreciate it more then I can ever express. So please send me positive thoughts on February 21st! Thanks, Kathryn

HI! Well at least I have not waited a whole year this time to write but again I have not been as diligent as I hoped to…………………..Press on. So, that past few months have been interesting, still on the roller coaster but there definitely has been a bit of a shift or two! I am actually excited about the upcoming New Year and leaving this one behind, that being said I do still have some anxiety and nervousness as well, but I will “Deal”. So my battle with being vulnerable is quickly going to be thrusted upon me to face as I have recently received some good news, but before I go into that I want to tell you about an interesting process I have been going through. As many of you know I have been talking about, researching, pondering and well ….. Fretting over the idea of excess skin removal. Several factors to “weigh” (see what I did there? LOL) So.... Do it now? Do it later? (meaning after more weight loss). As with any research I found opinions on both sides, so logically I think, “Hmmm, I probably need to get a real, live, and certified professional opinion.” O.K. So I need a consult….. More research, more time passes, because yes….. All I can imagine is the pain of being vulnerable AND with a person I do not even know??? Why would I do that? Why would I want the opinion of a person I do not even really know and who does not know me? Oh yea, it is their job! Well why would I want to discuss one of the most personal, and at times embarrassing, things ever with some one I do not know or trust? Oh yea, it’s their job? Clearly you can see I work hard at talking myself out of being vulnerable and going to those places that are not comfortable! I am good at it! However then I am reminded that this mind set is exactly how I got to be as heavy as I did. Ignoring painful and/or difficult topics and issues only creates more problems, be it an unpaid parking ticket or a weight issue. So while I know this logically....... I still procrastinated (I am such a chicken sh*t). Thankfully a dear friend of mine has been watching and discussing this process with me and bravely took it upon herself to go ahead and schedule me a consult with a plastic surgeon. Now while that sounds a bit crazy at first, I have to say it was likely the best gift ever. Since we had discussed weight issues and all the other issues surrounding the topic, (including my discomfort with being vulnerable and relying on others), I think it became clear to her I was going to have many reasons why I should wait, or I would come up with some new excuse (Like I said, I am good at it). She also knew I had spoken a lot about accountability and support, and hers this time came in the form of scheduling a consult. (Thanks Lady ) So as I continue on the Journey I am reminded of something I know well but rarely put into practice myself, to build trust you must be vulnerable. I do know this as I consider one of the greatest gifts someone can give you is their trust, yet I struggle with giving it to others. I know this is a struggle for me because it means becoming vulnerable (there’s that word again, ugh). I am also learning that when I do push through the struggle of being vulnerable good things often do come as a result. It really is not fair of me to withhold my trust, it is not doing me any good and it is not allowing others in my life to experience with me that gift. So for that I apologize, and to those who have tried and have run into the walls that I built out of fear, I truly am sorry. I am working on this and while I will not be signing up for any reality shows to air my pain and vulnerability, nor will I spill my guts or run right out and ask for help, it is in my awareness. I will continue to shift the fear of being vulnerable with the joy of feeling supported and building trusting relationships.

WHATEVER!

Well Clearly I have managed to spend almost an entire year avoiding this “Stuff”! Where has time gone? All I know is I have had a interesting Roller Coaster year and it is not over yet, so the question before me is how will I handle it? How will I react? Will I throw in the towel? So I have managed to dodge the accountability I was seeking in January, not sure how but I have…… What I “believe” I am experiencing is really a battle within myself, to be or not to be….. Vulnerable. This seems to be a repeat theme in my life and as of late I am getting hit with this choice in nearly every aspect of my life not just my health. I think I have gone several rounds and won some but lost others, I think it is currently tied and I approach the last round where my choices, reactions, behaviors and feelings will either lead me to throw in the towel or get over myself and move forward. In my head I know there really is no choice here but in my heart, in my daily life it is not as clear cut…… Moments oh the moments! So again I will put out there the permission as well as call to hold me accountable, but more directly not with just writing more often about this journey but also about my outlook, perspective and choices. Part of the reason I logically know there really is no choice is because of the love and support of my friends, I know at this point none of you would allow me to back slide so far I loose myself as much as I have previously, however it is those daily moments and those moments alone with my thoughts that the battle is much bigger then it needs to be. So in the effort of truth, accountability, support, growth and more….. Let me be specific about some areas I am currently battling with…….Actually I think I will keep it simple as everything I would put on the list seems to come down to one issue, which is my discomfort with feeling vulnerable. It really knocks the wind out of me… I have felt vulnerable in my living situation, financial situation, work situation (really mostly the environment), health and wellness situation and personal (which is everything else I guess) So in a word …….. AAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! O.K. So there are my current thoughts…. Feedback, comments, concerns, jokes Kath

SOS

Hello, I know it has been a while since I have written….. This should probably tell you something! As I was looking back over the past year and thinking about this next year several thoughts came to my mind but the most important thing I want to share today is a request to all who read this…… Based on what I have (and continue to) learn about myself, I need ACCOUNTABILITY! As some of you may know this is a “Button” of mine and clearly because it is something I need. While I feel in general I am good about taking personal responsibility for my choices and actions the one thing I seem to fail at is asking for help, asking for and allowing myself to feel support is a constant struggle for me. I am working on allowing others to do for me as well as asking for that which I need, UGH! This is hard but what I have learned from my experience of giving and supporting is that those who do not allow me to support them, or those who do not accept accountability from me are not only denying me a gift of giving but also denying us both a chance at a deeper, more real relationship. When I am allowed to be supportive and encouraging as well as challenging (in the form of loving accountability) I feel honored and more importantly I feel close to the person receiving it, this is a gift to me. So what I realized is by not asking and not allowing other to do this for me I am denying them a gift as well, and I am certainly not one to deny anyone a gift! J It is just hard when that gift comes in the form of “Being there” for me….. (Clearly my issues) All that being said ………. I am putting myself out there and offering us both a chance at a gift! I need Accountability. Now this sounds a bit ominous, but it is simple. I realize after not having written the past few months that when I don’t write I am not being as conscientious of my process. This really just a nice way of saying …… when I don’t write I can’t be accountable so I can be in denial (by choice)! I do not want to do that….. I want to be able to own up to my choices, to learn from my choices AND be accountable for my choices! This is where you come in…….. I am at a point in this process where I find it becoming more and more easy to get frustrated and want to throw in the towel. Obviously this is not an option I am willingly going to choose so I am stepping out of my comfort zone and heralding for assistance. PLEASE ask me when my next blog entry will be coming if you do not see one every few weeks, Please ask me how it is going if you hear nothing about my journey from me or my blog, Please ask questions about things you want to hear about, Please ask questions about my progress, process, thoughts, ideas, ANYTHING. Also Please feel free to suggest topics …. Please share your insights, observations, wisdom. Please share your personal struggles, concerns or issues with the topic of health and well being. (This is not just about weight!) So that is it for today…. ACCOUNTABILITY! I need it, I am asking for it! (What the H*ll am I thinking????) LOL Thanks in advance for all your support! Kathryn P.S. Disclaimer; PLEASE DO NOT confuse this plea for accountability as not feeling supported. I deeply appreciate and do feel the support! This is specifically in relation to my writing about the process. I have felt support all along but realize for me I am more accountable if I am writing, maybe something about having it down in words works for me? I do know being able to go back and see what I have struggled with, conquered and where I have come from helps me to keep things in perspective which as many of you know I do believe perspective is everything! Thanks again

Sabotage

I received an email recently, from a world traveling friend of mine, who posed an interesting question. Below is her email, I will follow it with some thoughts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "So...let me just start by saying that we don't get many TV stations in English. The shows we do get seem to change every month or two, just as we are getting interested in them. The last couple of days, we've been getting something called The World's Biggest Loser or something like that. Anyway, these people had been at their fat camp for 7 weeks and lost incredible amounts of weight: 30-70 pounds. Now, they were being given a week back at home. Each one walked into their house where a big homecoming party of family and friends were waiting to celebrate their amazing weight loss with them. Incredibly, at most every party people had brought boxes of cinnamon rolls, chocolate cupcakes, and the like. One of the guys complained and asked the crowd who had brought some sweets. His mother. She said, "Not all of us are on a diet!" even though the party was for him. Makes one realize how difficult it is going to be for those people to continue losing or maintaining their weight when they go home with their near and dear sabotaging them. Do you feel like you've had to deal with people sabotaging your efforts? " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here is Webster’s definition for Sabotage. “Sabotage = an act or process tending to hamper or hurt / deliberate subversion “ So as I thought about this question several things came to mind… first was “how sad for that man on the TV show my friend was watching“, but often people in our lives struggle with others succeeding as if "My success equals your failure". I must say according to “Webster’s” definition, I absolutely do not think anyone in my life has “deliberately” set out to sabotage me. That being said, the things we do subconsciously is completely another story. NO one in my life has been disrespectful, like the man's mother in the above story, but there are definitely varying degrees of "awareness" (for lack of a better word) about my process / journey. I do not believe anyone can "Sabotage" me besides myself. Ultimately I am the only saboteur in my life. I am the one who is aware of whom to go to if I want to "cheat" or "act out". I also know who to go to if I want support and encouragement to stay on track. Therefore I am the only person capable of sabotaging myself. While others may subconsciously be working out issues of their own by tempting me, or ignoring my plea for accountability towards healthy choices, it is up to me not to sabotage myself and my process. There are definitely people in my life, who by the nature of who they are, still want to “nurture” me with food. There are also people in my life that choose, consciously or not, to ignore that I have drastically changed my lifestyle. Some who are aware of the change but willing to participate in my bad choices. Some who struggle somewhere in-between as well. However I am the only true saboteur, as the choices I make are up to me. I feel like the story of the man coming home from his “biggest loser” experience and having his mother tell him “Not all of us are on a diet” , really is about respect more then anything. Her behavior as well as that of those bringing unhealthy food to the party, is just out right disrespectful. However again, it is doubtful any of it is about him and more about their own process and shows their inability to be aware consciously of the impact and affect of their behavior on others. No one has been blatantly disrespectful. For the most part people have been very supportive, encouraging and helpful along my journey. It is I that does the sabotaging. It is I that has to make the choices to go where the support is when I need it. I got myself to that unhealthy place and I have to get myself out and into a healthy one. I am grateful I do have places and people I can go for support and encouragement. My struggle is more about going there, accessing it, and allowing others to be supportive. It is hard not to feel alone at times during this sojourn, yet I am conscious I have to be open and reach out for support. Just as I can choose to self sabotage I can choose support. All that being said …… Please do not assume anything. If you read this and start wondering where you fall in the spectrum of “places to go for particular outcomes”, support or acting out………….. Do not assume….. Feel free to ask me. Bottom line, I am the only saboteur in my life. Know that I truly welcome the “smack down” (accountability) from anyone observing my self sabotage. Sometimes I am conscious of it and other times I am not. If I am consciously sabotaging myself I will tell you and if I am …….please do not give up on me, continue to bring it to my awareness so I don’t do it too long! J It is hard to always stay conscious of my choices, but I am clear no one can sabotage me but myself….. I am often good at it too! It is a portentous journey I am on. I’m confident it will take time and energy……. physical, emotional and spiritual. Thanks for the questions and support. Please continue to inquire about anything coming to your mind, as writing about this is helpful to me and hopefully encouraging to others as well. Smile, Sing and Laugh Daily! Kathryn

August Ughs!

August Ughs! So.... Not sure where this will take me today as it has been a long month with several ups and downs,so just go with it and forgive me if I jump around a bit or if there is no fluid theme/thought for this entry! That being said.....still fighting the good fight ("whatever"- insert sarcastic tone here), filled with questions, concerns and general confusion as well and surprise. So after blogging about advocacy, of course I became challenged around every damn corner I turned! Both physically and emotionally. Anyway... With such success advocating for myself with my Chiropractor, I continued to do so as I was seeing her every week to deal with my back. I somehow pinched a nerve and it was not getting better. At one appointment my chiropractor had asked me who my Doctor was...... Hmmmmmm....???? So why would she ask me this????? She had become concerned about my current situation. In the past I had been the easiest person in the world for her to work with, a quick snap, crackle, pop (sorry I had to ,hehehe) and I was good to go. Well that was not happening this time. I was not getting better. The pinched nerve was enough trouble, but that pain was being aggravated by some tendinitis she found in my elbow. (that's right I have a athletic sports type injury :-) ) She, hesitantly, starting to talk about physical therapy, at one appointment she mumbled "MRI" at another something about "Surgery"....... knowing I would have to get a referral from a primary care Doctor to do anything like this...... (because insurance companies foolishly still do not recognize chiropractic practitioners or their services~ soap box issue) She asked me who my Doctor was and I told her I was in search of a new one....... She left it at that, for now..... So I am in pain physically, emotionally freaking out after hearing my chiropractor talk about Doctors, physical therapy, MRI's, and surgery!? , not to mention the fact that I have constant pain AND tingling throughout my arm all the way down to my hand (feels like my hand has gone to sleep, you know that tingling pins and needles feeling) and blah blah blah...... "What the H*LL?" I kept thinking to myself..... I am just trying to get healthy! Why so much resistance? Of course I spent much time contemplating this ...... Looking for the "Lesson" or "Message" , what am I missing..... (anyway I will spare you that whole process) Choosing to forge forward I got more serious about finding a new Primary care Doctor. I have been unhappy for years with my current Doctor so I asked around, got some recommendations, spent sometime on the Blue Shield web site, even did some digging around on the Internet regarding a few Doctors. I came up with some names to call, ask questions, and see about getting an initial appointment started. (look at me advocating for myself :-) ) ***** I want to interject here that for me a part of advocating for myself is believing I deserve a team of people on my side and then creating it. I really am trying to create a team of people to work with and have as a part of this journey because I am clear about one fact, which is that the support and accountability are a crucial part of my success. ****** Back to the Doctor search...... my experience goes something like this...... ring ring ..... Sorry not taking new patients!, "hmm bummer", Next...... ring ring....... NO, She's not taking on anyone new,CLICK!, "Wow someone is having a bad day" ring ring.......ring ring .....ring ring ...... If you know your partys extension......."Hmmm???" ring ring.......ring ring ......ring ring ..... ring ring ..... ring ring ring ring ring ring , "Hmm??? maybe I can inquire by email,? I did like their web site"........ So I sent a email, only asking a couple questions (for now) ....... That was over two weeks ago and NOTHING! No reply! So , needless to say I have yet to find a new primary care Doctor (still working on it).... out of shear frustration I decided to keep the positive ball rolling with the team members I have in place, my weight specialist Doctor and my chiropractor for now. So these challenges of course spark others....... specifically related to lbs. and exercise, however I seem to have gone on long enough for now. That being said let me know if you would like to hear about the weight or exercise issues for this past month and perhaps I will do another entry. FYI~ My back is feeling a bit better, still having tingling in the arm and hand.... (that freaks me out no matter how much reassurance the chiropractor gives me). I have also found a massage therapist to work with and the chiropractor tell me this is a wise move. So I move forward... a little at a time trying not to notice that with every few steps forward I seem to hit a wall of some kind with a lesson attached. (Damn Walls!) Thanks for stopping by and please do let me know if either of the above mentioned topics are of interest to you...... It has been a LOOOOOONG Month! LOL Take Care :-) Kathryn

Advocacy

SO......... Why is it that although we KNOW, in our logical minds, that it's important to advocate for ourselves we often fail to do so? Yes, it is nice to have others watch out for us , however.............. ultimately we know our own well being, whether it is physical, emotional , or even intellectual, is no one else's responsibility but our own. So why do we spend so little time looking out for ourselves? So little energy asking if this is really in our best interest? Instead we seem to be more concerned about everyone else... even those we may not know or hardly know..... We may be afraid to change hair dressers because we don't want to hurt "their" feelings, (just an example, I LOVE you Teresa :-) ) or more seriously, fail to ask questions of a sales person OR question our Doctors, Lawyers, Professors and other professionals we have contact with...... I have been thinking about this a lot lately as I have been noticing some interesting behaviors of my own. While my focus has been, for several years now, me, me, me ! I still do not always do what is in my best interest. I still do not advocate for myself when I should. This is silly and somewhat crazy to me as I know better, yet I still do it. Hmmm? I have found the majority of us seem to do this... It is as if it is innate to deny ourselves what we clearly know is rightfully ours. So where is she going with this? How does this relate to weight? Well it seems all connected to me ....... When I allow others to negatively impact me I am making a choice to neglect myself. I seem to act this out in several ways..... for example I realize I myself am not a "stressful" person.... however I really am affected by the stress of others. I have to make a conscience choice to not let the external stresses in life impact me or that is when I find myself slipping into old, bad habits..... (can you say Ben & Jerry's?), or my body reacts negatively (currently have a pinched nerve). If I don't take care of my self, advocate for my own well being, who will do it? No one! So ........ saying No to people, standing up for something you believe in, simply asking questions of those professionals we pay to give us their time and attention, or taking some time alone without feeling guilty ...... We have to choose to care for ourselves and realize this does not mean we are selfish but rather simply practicing good healthy self care. (BIG Difference) So as I have gotten much better at taking care of myself along this journey, I see there is (of course) still plenty to learn and grow from. I am constantly surprised to see where these things pop up and how these lessons continue to push and stretch me. So today I made myself write down the questions I had for my chiropractor. Questions I had before but didn't ask as I obviously did not want to take up too much of her time ( I know silly right?). I had to force myself to pull out the paper and ask the questions (advocating for myself)....... I did it!!!! Well of course she was not only gracious and more then happy to answer all my questions. She was pleased I asked them. She told me I had excellent questions. She not only answered them but went on to praise me for how well I was doing in taking care of myself! (Man that was nice to hear seeing as how I really have not been feeling like I was doing that at all!) She even commented on how much my hard work has and will continue to pay off in my long term health. At one point she let out a "sort of" giggle of glee (very cute), out of excitement and mere joy for me! It was nice and very exciting to see this professional, whom I respect, acknowledge and give me such kind accolades. WOW.... If I get this kind of reaction every time I advocate for myself I will be asking questions, demanding time, and sticking up for myself more often! I know this sounds a little silly but I have found it so interesting how many of us seem to advocate, care and tend to others with such ease, but when it comes to ourselves we struggle. I am constantly amazed at how hard it is for information to travel the mere 12 inches from our head to our heart. We know this stuff but believing, feeling and acting on some of it is much harder. So...... I continue along my sojourn and work at making the "12 inch" journey a little smoother. (and quicker .... hopefully)

Marching Forward!

So................ the gym saga continues. The good news is I have forced myself to move forward & join a new gym. I am signed up & committed for the next 15 months. That being said ...... Ever notice how when you struggle with something it seems every corner you turn there is another challenge? Well this has been no different. It seems every time I would take a step forward there would be another barrier challenging me to see if I was really going to follow through or if I was going to let outside forces determine my destiny. I won't bore you with the details but lets just say after talking to several people and being told a plethora of things I have had to just bite the bullet and make a decision based on what is in my best interest and not on what I was being told by others. I had to agree to things different from what I was told originally, different from what would have made the choice easy. So ultimately it came down to me deciding what was in "MY" best interest on a whole. This of course, as most of you know, is not something that comes naturally for me. So weighing (pun not intended but appropriate) the facts against my needs lead me to my new gym. Was it the best deal? Not really. Was it the best facility? Not really. Was it the best choice for me? Absolutely! So I am now a member of Chico Sports Club. I have yet to come to a place where I am confident and comfortable, but I am going. I even went and worked out in the pool (which is outside) in the cold and yes... rain. This has been a interesting additional challenge to my commitment since at my old gym the pool was indoors, so the excuse of weather was not an option, whereas now it is easy to say it is too cold or windy or rainy..... SO......... The commitment is in constant challenge. That being said I am forging forward and slowing beating the challenges, facing them, removing them one by one. I do have to say that I could not do this alone. I have been blessed with some great support, in many forms. One of which are my dear friends, who were also members at the old gym, they have met me outside in front of the gym so we could go together. I know this sounds silly but it has been helpful. It is just enough support to get me past the flood of people who I am not yet completely comfortable with and still have some anxiety about parading past. Also it is someone to talk to while waiting for a instructor before class and standing around the pool. It is great accountability, making it harder to use those seemingly justifiable excuses for not going. So forward I "splash" on! So the other part of this has been paying attention to my relationship with food. It is sort of like thumb sucking or a pacifier for a baby. It is Comfort. So to feel all this anxiety and know that chocolate cake would make it all better (or so we tell ourselves), it is hard to resist going there.... I mean especially in the moment it makes sense... right? So being aware and observing my process makes it easier to know if I make a food choice, that may not be the best, at least I know why I am doing it and it is a choice and not a mindless destructive path. It also makes it easier not to punish myself, because as easy as it is to make a "unhealthy" choice it is just as easy to make a "healthy" one the next time! So onward I march.... facing the anxiety, plowing through the uncomfortableness looking forward to coming out the other side!

Gym Greif

HI, Here again in the midst of processing life and the journey. As I have been dealing with or at times trying to avoid dealing with my grief over the loss of my gym many thoughts race through my mind. For starters I am reminded that it is not just me but as a culture / society we are not taught how to manage grief. Loss is not something we are equipped to experience but rather manage and bury somewhere in hopes it will leave us alone and not rear its scary painful head. Yet the question remains "How's that working for you?". It doesn't. When life presents us with a loss we simply are taught to literally put it in a box and bury it. Someone dies and we have a short small event to "honor" the person and our loss, then we close the lid of the box and bury them, along with our feelings, as if that is the end of it....... If only it was that simple. As we all know we carry that loss in our hearts, the pain we try to bury is still there and yet we are not taught how to truly experience it, feel it, be with it. Instead we attempt to manage it, try not to look at it too close, feel it too deeply. Other cultures have lengthy, detailed rituals for experiencing loss. Why do we work so hard to avoid it, to deny the pain, to fast forward through it? Personally I think when it comes to loss we are emotional cripples as a culture / society. That being said I am trying to do it different. Equating any loss, be it a person, relationship, job, home or yes a gym, Loss is loss and should be honored as well as experienced.......... i.e. felt and grieved. So I am in this process with my gym situation. It is a loss. A huge loss for me. For many it may seem silly but I have worked so hard to find a "safe" place that I can be myself, feel comfortable, be accepted and supported while striving to improve myself both physically, personally and emotionally. So this is a huge loss for me, one deserving of my time and energy, to feel, experience and not to put in a box and bury with all the feelings attached to my experience. Let me say here while I do "know" logically that my "safe" place is something I carry with me and comes from inside myself, I do also exist in a world with others. I am human and therefor sometimes affected by others in this world. I am not exempt from noticing others reactions to me, the stares, the mumbles under the breath, the judgements. Ultimately that stuff doesn't matter, but existing in this world with others means having to be exposed to it and figuring out how to process and interpret it. While I will continue to work on this, a part of it, for me, is honoring and acknowledging that I have done it once and I will do it again. I am confident that I can again create a gym experience that feels "safe". In order to do this I must honor and grief my first experience and the loss of it. So I am feeling , experiencing and processing this loss. It is interesting how it seems to cause me some stress, coming out in my body (as most stress does). Having a back ache, being in physical pain seems again just another way to be distracted from feeling the emotional pain. I don't think it is a coincidence we tend to see a lot of health issues in people who have a lot of stress, including loss. Considering that part of how I have managed stress the past few years has been through exercise and my time at the gym, of course now with no gym , it is no surprise my body is taking it on physically. Since I really do not want to do this to my body and I am confident food has been another old way I managed stress and certainly I do not want to go back there....... I will feel the pain and grieve the loss no matter how uncomfortable it will be, but I will do so knowing I will come out the other side with a positive memory of where I started and how much I have grown as a part of that experience, forever grateful for my first "safe" gym experience.

Safety?

So this entry may jump around a bit as I have not thought it through at all and am merely writing from my current uneasy state. So it will also be far more emotional and less reality based. It will serve as more of a "process" for me then a insightful sharing experience for others........ SO here I go...... Totally finding myself a bundle of mixed emotions. I would not have thought this recent event would hit me so hard that I feel as though I am back at square one in some regards. The event I am referring to is My gym is closing at the end of the month. Now I am sure that sounds like no big deal to most, especially since those of us with contract have been offered another gym to go to until our contracts expire, a much nicer more expensive one at that! However this has really brought up so many old feelings I have found myself shocked by it all frankly. Even as I write this I find myself getting so sad. Some of the old insecurities are flaring up. Many of the hurdles I managed to work through are back and seem larger then ever because I have already been down this road. It was so hard to get myself to go inside a gym, let alone sign up and stick with it. Some of you may remember from earlier entries I wrote about this process. Well I feel like I am having to go through it all over again. See the gym I belong to is very "Ghetto" (and I say that in a good way) It is not a fancy, not a place people go to "hook up", not a place muscle boys or barbie dolls go...... It is a gym filled with normal everyday people, your neighbor, your coworker, average Joe's. It is a very relaxed place... I mean they have beer on tap that you can buy.... no fruit smoothies or wheat grass or carrot juice....BEER they sell Beer.... That's the kind of place it is.... Beer and 70's wall carpet decor. Needless to say it did not take me too long to feel comfortable going there. It was a process but not as much related to how I was feeling in the environment but more about how different it was for me to go to the gym. NOW.... I am at a point where going to the gym is just a part of who I am , or at least it was until I found out the gym was closing. So now I find myself going to that ugly place of feeling like I can never belong or fit in at any other gym, let alone the one that has bought the remaining months of our memberships. The "new" gym is the total opposite of the current one. By far the most expensive, fancy, snooty, competitive gym in town. I mean this damn place has a butterfly atrium. What the heck does that have to do with fitness? (other then I am turning into a butterfly! LOL that just came to me) Anyway............. So as I am in the process of sorting through these heavy (pun intended) feelings, I am realizing a huge part of this is I am losing one of my very few safe places. Safety can come in many forms, a seat belt, fireman, home, friend many things. For me I find there are not many Places I feel safe. I do have some great friends I consider safe people to be with but not many "safe" places. As a "Person of size" (barf! one of those ridiculous politically correct terms i have heard.... makes me laugh... I am fat people... say it... FAT! ) Anyway... I always have had to think about environments, who will be there, what is the space like, will I be accepted or judged, will I fit in (literally) , will it be physically comfortable etc........... Well this gym I am losing is a safe place for me on all of those levels. I don;t feel judged, I trust the equipment, I am comfortable n the environment. I have been able to not only create this great safe place but have been surrounded by great people who care about me.... not just my weight but me, me as a person. I think I felt seen for who I am and not how I look, how much I can do for them, how much I weigh or anything else..... just me. That is such a nice thing for someone of my size because whether we want to admit it or not..... people judge. One of the quickest things to judge is our appearance. One of the most acceptable judgements based on appearance is weight. If someone is funny looking or has a wart on their nose or a mole in a weird place we will judge them in our minds or to our friends but we rarely are openly vocal about it..... however with weight you will hear people all the time throw their judgements around (not even trying to be subtle about it either)...... "must be lazy, must eat horrible and way too much", etc.... but worst of all is how people LOOK at you.... being looked at with disgust or disdain is brutal, painful and scaring. Yet people do it ALL the time. This is truly one of the hardest things ever! So..... I think having to deal with that, after bypassing that at my current gym, clearly has me upset and freaking out. So I will miss my safe place at NVAC and I will try to work up some strength to face ( or ignore) those looks. I know in my logical state of mind this is all silliness, but again as I said at the start.... I am not currently in my logical mind........ I am in my feeling heart and it is sad and painful! UGH! Anyway... I better stop here for now but clearly this chapter is not done.... Damn old feelings resurfacing... just when you thought you were over something ....SLAP..... right in the kisser!

Numbers Hysteria

So I have always had a love / hate relationship with numbers, mostly hate. In school I was never a huge fan of math. In my family I was out numbered, the only girl with three brothers. Don't get me started about grades.... no points (numbers) for creativity or cuteness! LOL Anyway, most of it went away over the years and I haven't had to think about numbers much until I started this journey. While I obviously was obese I never even thought in terms of numbers when considering my weight or health. (probably part of the problem) So now I find myself having to deal with numbers everywhere, everyday, in so many different ways. It's not just about the number of pounds, but the number of calories, protein, times of day I eat, carbs, fat , the list goes on and on............ For the most part I have been adjusting to dealing with numbers in a variety of ways, trying to retrain myself to being mindful about the numbers, reading them , writing them down, overall paying attention and trying to see them in a positive and motivating way. It hasn't been easy but I have learned a lot of different ways in which I can appreciate numbers and how they can work for me. A few times I have even found myself excited and pleased with the idea of deepening my relationship with numbers. So overall as I move on through this journey my relationship with numbers has been becoming more positive and encouraging in many ways......... UNTIL IT WASN'T!!!!!!!!!!! So my most recent dealings with numbers has not been fun at all. While logically I know this will pass and I will get back to my positive relationship with numbers, it doesn't change my feelings about this recent experience which has been painful, hard, confusing and even discouraging. This recent experience has to be framed in context... So keep in mind that the first 8 or so months of this journey with the Doctor the numbers have been great..... all of them going down where they should, weight, blood pressure, calorie intake etc. , and going up where they should as well.... Exercise, protein, energy etc. The last few months I have been struggling a bit with the numbers as they have plateaued dramatically compared to the previous months. Now I know this is normal (whatever that means) so I have really tried not to let it affect my new found more positive relationship with numbers, however this last month nearly pushed me over the edge and has tested my last nerve when it comes to those damn numbers. At last months Doctors appointment I had NO loss at all, UGH! So we discuss making some changes as to shake up my metabolism. I take notes of the adjustments, which of course involved a change in some numbers, and commit to the new plan. Since we were trying something different and hoping to "surprise" my metabolism into working harder again, they asked me to come weigh in after two weeks. So I left and unfortunately got sick right after this and so needless to say I was all out of whack, not eating on the plan, not exercising , on medication, sick , sick , sick..... fairly sick for two weeks. (by the way I am never sick like this) O.K. So since I was sick and my health plan was not on track for two weeks I thought to myself why go in and weigh, but then I realized I actually should so I have a clear start point from which the changes were put in place. So I go and weigh in ..... Well I was down 2 lbs. , yeah! Not a fun or healthy way to go down but hey I will take it! So my next visit to the Doctor is an actual appointment to see how the changes are working and see if the metabolism has been "surprised" into working harder. So we do he weigh in and (drum roll.........) I went UP 2 Freaking LBS. ! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! In retrospect this was an interesting emotional learning experience. Almost instantly I was overwhelmed and depressed by these dang numbers and all the hard work of accepting that numbers can be positive, went right down the drain. I felt such a array of things because of this tiny increase, (which really was a wash since I lost 2 lbs. while sick). I felt like a failure, I felt angry, betrayed, depressed, confused, lost and more that I can't even find words for.......... This was again a new experience for me as in the past I never gave in thought or attention to "My numbers". I really left discouraged and mad...... Not knowing what to do about these feelings I did the most destructive thing I could, went straight from my appointment to Jack-in -the-box (not something I usually or ever have really done). I thought well I gained 2 lbs. and did everything right for the past two weeks so I am going to "earn" those pounds and do something that would at least make sense out of it all..... or so I thought at the time while in my obvious confused and despaired state. I know there is no logic in this thinking and that was what was so interesting about this process in retrospect. So following this I did lots of introspective thinking and worked on changing my perspective and getting back to a realistic relationship with the numbers. While it has not been easy I have learned much. Part of my strong reaction, I believe, is that for the first time in close to 5 years the scale went UP and not down.... big blow to my psyche! Also I have been so focused on health and not numbers that when faced with "negative" numbers I lost my focus. I forgot how far I have come, I forgot the total picture, I forgot to take in to consideration the circumstances (being sick for 2 weeks), I had temporarily lost myself. I am glad to report I am back! I have gained some healthy perspective and set aside the negative rebellious behavior, stopped thinking in a self sabotaging way and am focused again on the health, long term goal and reasons for this journey. That being said I also wanted to remind myself of the positive numbers. They way the numbers have motivated, encouraged and moved me forward. So that is my Numbers Hysteria..... Now I will share with you a few positive numbers from my journey, in hopes to encourage others and remind myself of the good that can come from a relationship with numbers. 5+ years = 150 - 200 lbs down 1 year w/Doctor = 80 of those lbs. down 5+ years = 25+ inches off my waist ( I KNOW ... over 2 feet!) 0 to 4/5 times a week working out at Gym Blood pressure numbers down and normal for 1+ yrs. Number of stores I can walk into and buy clothes from....(at heaviest I couldn't even buy clothes from the "plus" size stores, had to buy online) recently bought pants and tops at Walmart. (not bragging about shopping at walmart, point is I can buy things there that fit) Number of compliments :-) Number of "flirtations" :-) OH.... And let's not forget..... Number of Cute/Pretty Bras!!! :-) That's it for now.... I am sure I will have more hysteria in the future with my relationship to numbers but hopefully it will play out a little differently next time! Be well and please feel free to ask questions, leave post with your name and suggest topics, just don't judge my writing skills! LOL

Exercise & a Cheesy Analogy

So I was in the pool jumping around enjoying the music and without thinking about it focusing on different muscles and working them when I had a bit of a analogy come to my mind. I will tell you more about it as I explain my process and how I got there. So first the exercise part........ So as I was telling you I am jumping around enjoying the work out and I was realizing how much I not only enjoy working out but also how much my workouts have changed over the past few years. What I mean by that is this............... In the beginning I was just doing good to get to the gym and participate in the class. As time passed I started learning more about what I was doing. I was learning which moves were meant to work what muscles, how to do the moves to work different areas. I also learned that I really am able to adjust my workouts to my personal preference, be it how hard I work or which muscles I focus on that day, I am in charge! A rather liberating feeling to know! Once again I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it as well! In my way, my rules, and I am not subject to any one persons "plan" or "idea" of the "right way" of doing it. As I learned these things I also was amazed to realize that I actually can feel and control my muscles, some of which I had never even known I had let alone ever felt and/or isolated to work them. Imagine thinking about focusing on a muscle set and tightening them , working them, stretching, contracting , controlling them to work to my benefit. WOW , My body can work for me, how cool is that?! Anyway I have been very excited to learn these things and practice working, isolating and focusing on what I am doing with each move for each muscle....... ( granted there are times my mind is more focused on singing along with the music and just splashing around then working the muscles, but hey some days we just have to Sing! ) So another thing that has been so exciting is seeing how learning all these things and putting them to work has really changed my body. Not only has it changed my body and what it is able to do and how it feels in the water but also outside the water. I have come so far and had several "moments" with the exercise that I never expected. Now I know this may seem silly for some people reading this but I have to tell you some of the things I am going to share with you here are enormous to someone who has come from where I started. That being said.... The first time I was able to actually grab a hold of my foot from behind when stretching (knee pointed down leg bent with foot up to bottom) and then being able to grab a hold of my toes from the front when stretching my leg out in front of me...... I could not even come close to my foot in either direction the beginning. I have become extremely flexible. This is very exciting to a big girl who formally was not even flexible enough to bend over and touch her toes to tie her own shoes! A top favorite moment was having a trainer say to me at the end of a class the she noticed how flexible I have become and that it is a good sign of hard work! Yeah Me! It is always nice to hear, from someone whom you respect and consider knowledgeable in a specific area, compliment you on your abilities or efforts. Anyway I can go on about the exercise thing for a long time, and maybe I will talk more about it another time, but I want to tell you now the thought I had while in the pool working out yesterday. This is the "Cheesy analogy" part. So if you are faint of heart when it comes to cheesy... stop here. :-) So I am working out jumping and splashing and I have this thought............ In the water I really have come to feel like I can do anything. I feel like I am a Olympic gymnast or yoga master.. Then I realized I feel so confident because truly in the water I am safe, I am supported totally by the water and I can't fall and hurt myself because of the complete support. So I can try things I wouldn't attempt on the ground, like a difficult yoga stance or a exercise move that demands stability and flexibility because even if I don't get it the first time, I am supported by the water so I will be O.K. ! So as I am thinking about this total support which always me to try new things because I trust I am going to be alright, I thought........... WOW, How cool would it be if we all could feel this supported throughout all of life. If we surround ourselves with people we trust to support us completely, allowing us to try anything because we know we are supported, we would be unstoppable. Think of the things you could accomplish if you did not even have to think about failing because if you did you have the support around you to soften the fall so you will not get hurt. If we never had to hesitate and think about what will happen if we fall.... How will people judge us if we fail..... We would be more likely to loose the fear because we have complete support. I hope this makes some sense..... I feel like my words may be failing me but I know how I felt while in the water... So next time you are in a pool or some other body of water, try something you would not dare try on the ground................ Do a cheerleader jump into the splits or stand on your hands, a yoga pose........... and then really feel the support of the water. Maybe that will help my words make sense. :-) Parents..... be the water for your children, so they can feel unstoppable and totally trust in your support! Thanks for stopping by........ leave me a message, put your name in the body of the post, ask me questions let me know what you want to hear more about.............. Be Well! And surround yourself with positive healthy supportive relationships!

Old Pictures

O.K. So I am checking email and then Facebook one day and much to my surprise I see this old (horrible) picture of me. Well one of my friends has a application called "Photo of the day" or something like that..... I think it randomly post a different picture from your albums everyday..... Honestly I am not sure. Anyway there I was .... WOW... Pictures always are a eye opener.... Who is that person??? So I went to her page and saw a few more.... I do have to say one thing... While the pictures are alarming in one way they are encouraging in another. WOW I was large! But you know what, I was happy, smiling, enjoying myself..... This was encouraging in that I was reminded that while I struggle with weight issues it hasn't determined my happiness..... Life is good. That being said .... It also is encouraging to see how far I have come..... Long journey........... So I will share these pictures with you all! Oh and hey... if you leave me a message please leave your name in the body of the post because I have received messages but I have no idea who to respond to and some of the questions are not really ones I would do a whole entry on... So feel free to continue posting with a "anonymous" URL (or whatever it ask you for) Just leave your name in the body of your message. Thanks and keep reading and let me know what your questions are or if you have ideas for topics.... Thanks