So................ the gym saga continues. The good news is I have forced myself to move forward & join a new gym. I am signed up & committed for the next 15 months.
That being said ......
Ever notice how when you struggle with something it seems every corner you turn there is another challenge? Well this has been no different. It seems every time I would take a step forward there would be another barrier challenging me to see if I was really going to follow through or if I was going to let outside forces determine my destiny. I won't bore you with the details but lets just say after talking to several people and being told a plethora of things I have had to just bite the bullet and make a decision based on what is in my best interest and not on what I was being told by others. I had to agree to things different from what I was told originally, different from what would have made the choice easy. So ultimately it came down to me deciding what was in "MY" best interest on a whole. This of course, as most of you know, is not something that comes naturally for me. So weighing (pun not intended but appropriate) the facts against my needs lead me to my new gym. Was it the best deal? Not really. Was it the best facility? Not really. Was it the best choice for me? Absolutely!
So I am now a member of Chico Sports Club. I have yet to come to a place where I am confident and comfortable, but I am going. I even went and worked out in the pool (which is outside) in the cold and yes... rain. This has been a interesting additional challenge to my commitment since at my old gym the pool was indoors, so the excuse of weather was not an option, whereas now it is easy to say it is too cold or windy or rainy..... SO......... The commitment is in constant challenge. That being said I am forging forward and slowing beating the challenges, facing them, removing them one by one. I do have to say that I could not do this alone. I have been blessed with some great support, in many forms. One of which are my dear friends, who were also members at the old gym, they have met me outside in front of the gym so we could go together. I know this sounds silly but it has been helpful. It is just enough support to get me past the flood of people who I am not yet completely comfortable with and still have some anxiety about parading past. Also it is someone to talk to while waiting for a instructor before class and standing around the pool. It is great accountability, making it harder to use those seemingly justifiable excuses for not going. So forward I "splash" on!
So the other part of this has been paying attention to my relationship with food. It is sort of like thumb sucking or a pacifier for a baby. It is Comfort. So to feel all this anxiety and know that chocolate cake would make it all better (or so we tell ourselves), it is hard to resist going there.... I mean especially in the moment it makes sense... right? So being aware and observing my process makes it easier to know if I make a food choice, that may not be the best, at least I know why I am doing it and it is a choice and not a mindless destructive path. It also makes it easier not to punish myself, because as easy as it is to make a "unhealthy" choice it is just as easy to make a "healthy" one the next time!
So onward I march.... facing the anxiety, plowing through the uncomfortableness looking forward to coming out the other side!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Marching Forward!
So................ the gym saga continues. The good news is I have forced myself to move forward & join a new gym. I am signed up & committed for the next 15 months.
That being said ......
Ever notice how when you struggle with something it seems every corner you turn there is another challenge? Well this has been no different. It seems every time I would take a step forward there would be another barrier challenging me to see if I was really going to follow through or if I was going to let outside forces determine my destiny. I won't bore you with the details but lets just say after talking to several people and being told a plethora of things I have had to just bite the bullet and make a decision based on what is in my best interest and not on what I was being told by others. I had to agree to things different from what I was told originally, different from what would have made the choice easy. So ultimately it came down to me deciding what was in "MY" best interest on a whole. This of course, as most of you know, is not something that comes naturally for me. So weighing (pun not intended but appropriate) the facts against my needs lead me to my new gym. Was it the best deal? Not really. Was it the best facility? Not really. Was it the best choice for me? Absolutely!
So I am now a member of Chico Sports Club. I have yet to come to a place where I am confident and comfortable, but I am going. I even went and worked out in the pool (which is outside) in the cold and yes... rain. This has been a interesting additional challenge to my commitment since at my old gym the pool was indoors, so the excuse of weather was not an option, whereas now it is easy to say it is too cold or windy or rainy..... SO......... The commitment is in constant challenge. That being said I am forging forward and slowing beating the challenges, facing them, removing them one by one. I do have to say that I could not do this alone. I have been blessed with some great support, in many forms. One of which are my dear friends, who were also members at the old gym, they have met me outside in front of the gym so we could go together. I know this sounds silly but it has been helpful. It is just enough support to get me past the flood of people who I am not yet completely comfortable with and still have some anxiety about parading past. Also it is someone to talk to while waiting for a instructor before class and standing around the pool. It is great accountability, making it harder to use those seemingly justifiable excuses for not going. So forward I "splash" on!
So the other part of this has been paying attention to my relationship with food. It is sort of like thumb sucking or a pacifier for a baby. It is Comfort. So to feel all this anxiety and know that chocolate cake would make it all better (or so we tell ourselves), it is hard to resist going there.... I mean especially in the moment it makes sense... right? So being aware and observing my process makes it easier to know if I make a food choice, that may not be the best, at least I know why I am doing it and it is a choice and not a mindless destructive path. It also makes it easier not to punish myself, because as easy as it is to make a "unhealthy" choice it is just as easy to make a "healthy" one the next time!
So onward I march.... facing the anxiety, plowing through the uncomfortableness looking forward to coming out the other side!
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i am really happy that you are still doing all of this!! and that you have committed to a new gym! it would have been really easy to give up then! i can't imagine having to break in a new one with new people. and still you have!! to me that says that you are just ready to do this!! and nothing is going to stop you!! :)
ReplyDeleteps. i do not get the comic. are they clowns? do clowns march???
Wow! This is so great Kathy! Reading it inspires me to get back to the gym.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
Love you,
Angela
Keep it up Kathy! You have made such progress on your path! I am proud of you stepping out and going to a gym where you don't know anyone...not that I am worried that you won't know everyone there within months and they will love you like we all do!
ReplyDeleteMary Bedley
Your words hit home with me, I too conquered a demon this weekend and by doing it and no not always making a great food choice while conquering, (i call it extra courage, lol) I was rewarded on the scale today, super excited and ready to move on conquering and pushing myself to places I have never been before, so you keep it up, keep your chin up and be proud of yourself, I am proud of you, pretty soon it will be a routine and "normal", thank you for sharing your story....Tracy
ReplyDeletePacifying versus living. Pacifying always means going back to what is comfortable even if it means we lose our identity, our confidence, our dignity. Pacifying demands props, familiar pictures and rituals.
ReplyDeleteLiving affirms that you have a choice. To parade, to talk, to joke, to be genuine. All with no props. No excuses. Living says "Pound sand, buckwheat. Or stay and talk to me if you must".
I have found that being forced to do something that made me uncomfortable, afraid, stressed, in the end ultimately taught me things I would not have expected had I stayed in my comfort zone. They also made me stronger the next time something difficult came up. A goal for you perhaps might be to allow what you think of yourself, what you need, what you want your life to look like, to overshadow what others think, or think you need. What always helps me when I am in a crowd that I really don't want to be in, or when I am just feeling insecure is 1. most people are thinking of themselves, and their laundry and their jobs and their shoes, and if they stop to look at me, I know they will forget that I exist in about 20 seconds. 2. Whatever is going on around me, I think to myself "ok, this isn't cancer, my family and friends love me, I have a good life, a good heart, a great place to live, a car to drive around, a life that about 70% of the world would envy, and about 100 other beautiful, wonderful things in my life that make what any of these weenies might be thinking, completely and overwhelmingly irrelevant". Keep up the good work! You have embarked on a couragous journey, it is something you will have to be proud of for the rest of your life!
ReplyDelete