Well Clearly I have managed to spend almost an entire year avoiding this “Stuff”! Where has time gone? All I know is I have had a interesting Roller Coaster year and it is not over yet, so the question before me is how will I handle it? How will I react? Will I throw in the towel?
So I have managed to dodge the accountability I was seeking in January, not sure how but I have……
What I “believe” I am experiencing is really a battle within myself, to be or not to be….. Vulnerable.
This seems to be a repeat theme in my life and as of late I am getting hit with this choice in nearly every aspect of my life not just my health. I think I have gone several rounds and won some but lost others, I think it is currently tied and I approach the last round where my choices, reactions, behaviors and feelings will either lead me to throw in the towel or get over myself and move forward. In my head I know there really is no choice here but in my heart, in my daily life it is not as clear cut…… Moments oh the moments!
So again I will put out there the permission as well as call to hold me accountable, but more directly not with just writing more often about this journey but also about my outlook, perspective and choices. Part of the reason I logically know there really is no choice is because of the love and support of my friends, I know at this point none of you would allow me to back slide so far I loose myself as much as I have previously, however it is those daily moments and those moments alone with my thoughts that the battle is much bigger then it needs to be.
So in the effort of truth, accountability, support, growth and more….. Let me be specific about some areas I am currently battling with…….Actually I think I will keep it simple as everything I would put on the list seems to come down to one issue, which is my discomfort with feeling vulnerable. It really knocks the wind out of me… I have felt vulnerable in my living situation, financial situation, work situation (really mostly the environment), health and wellness situation and personal (which is everything else I guess)
So in a word ……..
AAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
O.K. So there are my current thoughts…. Feedback, comments, concerns, jokes
Kath
Well Clearly I have managed to spend almost an entire year avoiding this “Stuff”! Where has time gone? All I know is I have had a interesting Roller Coaster year and it is not over yet, so the question before me is how will I handle it? How will I react? Will I throw in the towel?
So I have managed to dodge the accountability I was seeking in January, not sure how but I have……
What I “believe” I am experiencing is really a battle within myself, to be or not to be….. Vulnerable.
This seems to be a repeat theme in my life and as of late I am getting hit with this choice in nearly every aspect of my life not just my health. I think I have gone several rounds and won some but lost others, I think it is currently tied and I approach the last round where my choices, reactions, behaviors and feelings will either lead me to throw in the towel or get over myself and move forward. In my head I know there really is no choice here but in my heart, in my daily life it is not as clear cut…… Moments oh the moments!
So again I will put out there the permission as well as call to hold me accountable, but more directly not with just writing more often about this journey but also about my outlook, perspective and choices. Part of the reason I logically know there really is no choice is because of the love and support of my friends, I know at this point none of you would allow me to back slide so far I loose myself as much as I have previously, however it is those daily moments and those moments alone with my thoughts that the battle is much bigger then it needs to be.
So in the effort of truth, accountability, support, growth and more….. Let me be specific about some areas I am currently battling with…….Actually I think I will keep it simple as everything I would put on the list seems to come down to one issue, which is my discomfort with feeling vulnerable. It really knocks the wind out of me… I have felt vulnerable in my living situation, financial situation, work situation (really mostly the environment), health and wellness situation and personal (which is everything else I guess)
So in a word ……..
AAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
O.K. So there are my current thoughts…. Feedback, comments, concerns, jokes
Kath
I just want to let you know you are not alone in the whole vulnerability issue. I think this past year has been hard on quite a few of us..so many changes have come in this past year. Be stong, persevere you can get thru this! sonja
ReplyDeleteOh yeah I forgot... you are a wonderful and amazing woman don't ever forget that!
I am riding out the "perfect storm": Physical, personal and work stress crested in a huge wave that overcame me in my little boat. After believing for too long that I could handle the journey myself, I allowed myself a crew: a doctor, a physical therapist, an immunologist, a counselor and I finally -truly- shared my struggles with friends and family who love me. In the past I didn't want to burden others with my problems. Turns out true professionals and true friends don't judge - they help you celebrate your victories, kick your ass when you need it and care for you when you're down. Allowing myself to be loved like I love others is one of the greatest gifts I have given myself. My advice: come clean with yourself - get really honest - and build a team to cover all aspects of what you are going through. I truly believe everything within & around us is interconnected and that the mind/body connection is real. With the right team of professionals and friends on your side, you will feel safe to challenge the way you have previously dealt (ineffectively) with physical, emotional and psychic pain. And I know what you mean about financial stress: My SDI is $1600/mo & the check I write to the County every month for my insurance is more than $1400 for my daughter & myself. Ya know what? I won't let that stress me out because to get my health back is the luxury I want to most - and it's priceless. You are not alone. If you are moving forward you are going in the right direction. xoxo
ReplyDeleteafter our discussion about these things last evening i think that you know exactly what i was trying to say... ----->vulnerable<-----
ReplyDeletethat is my kryptonite for certain! you are so strong Kathy! and the best friend that i have ever had. <3 i find this blog so damn brave that it takes my breath away!!