It has been three weeks since I added a large piece of metal to my body! Surgery was successful, my follow up appointment which included an X-ray was two weeks after and I am happy to say the Surgeons P.A. is still in agrees that I am a Medical Unicorn! I was able to go to the appointment just using the cane and not the walker. I am off the walker totally and have been for some time. I am off the pain medication with the exception of taking it at night before bed, but have started lowering the amount even at night. I had physical therapy at home just 5 times and she too was pleased with my progress, and told me I was a “easy” patient, and I clearly would heal well because I was cooperative!

 

The main question I get besides the vague “how are you doing?”, is how is the pain. I am learning about pain, it is so different and all about perspective. First I honestly believe pain is completely individual and varies from person to person. I would never and will never compare my experience of pain with anyone else, that being said I will share my experience. The pain now is so VERY different from what it was in both how the pain feels and the intensity of it. Prior to surgery the pain was sporadic, coming and going with certain movements/actions and extremely sharp to the point of often causing a stream of profanity. It also was very limiting in that it prevented me from doing certain things, and it created this deep fear in me as well. I was fearful of doing anything because I did not want to feel that sharp deep pain. I think post surgery this is one of the things I am realizing that I did not figure out or put together prior to the surgery, I was really living in fear. The fear of that pain was both physically and emotionally paralyzing.

Thinking about this had me realizing how much pain can control our lives, not only physically but emotionally. It also made me think about how much worse or better I might be able to make my physical pain if I deal with it emotionally in a different way. What I mean is IF I was not so fearful of this pain, so much that I was adjusting my life physically to avoid it, could my actual experience of the pain have been different. All I know is I do believe what I think affects how I feel so I am now aware that I want to keep this in mind in relation to my pain as well. With this in mind back to the question “how is my pain?”, it is so different I can’t even compare it to the pain prior. It is there, it is constant but dull and more of a discomfort than pain and most importantly my perspective has changed. Emotionally I feel so free and am so grateful for my life that the pain is so insignificant. It isn’t that it doesn’t exist, it is that I am not giving it any power to control my life. I press forward, and focus on how grateful I am for being on the other side of this surgery and healing. I am blessed to have so many caring professionals, family members and friends that nothing else seems important.

This is another thing I am realizing in this process but will save for another entry, I am VERY blessed and well loved. For now, Thank You to all the family and friends for all the support, I am appreciative beyond words and will write more on this later.

For now I wanted to give you a update and touch on the pain issue. Thanks for reading and please feel free to ask questions and leave comments. 

Hip replacement humor:

Save the Date

After three years of dealing with this bum hip I have a date! I have completed ALL of the pre-op test, pokes and scans, with flying colors of course! Got the “class” done , so I have an idea of what to expect. I plan on meeting with a HR person this week  to make sure I got all my paperwork in order.

SO all that is left is to do a little prep around the house and load up fridge and then it is GO TIME!

 

People keep asking me if I am scared or nervous, I could not be more ready for anything in my life. I am so ready and not anxious that I would even say I am excited! I can already picture myself riding a bike, walking without looking for the next spot to sit and rest, even just going down town to farmers market and not have to worry about how long I will be gone or how far away I have to park.

I think maybe people do not realize that I not only am getting a new hip but a new lease on life. Between the weight loss and the new hip I literally will be able to change how I view nearly everything. There are so many things you have to think about when you have weight issues or a bum hip or really any sort of medical limitation. NO decision is a simple one.

I am excited to be able to be spontaneous and adventurous!

I know that it will take some time and I am pretty sure I know myself well enough that I will need reminders that I need to fully heal and rushing it is not in my best interest, so those of you near by who will hopefully come visit me so I don’t go stir crazy, Please feel free to remind me if I seem to be rushing my healing, I don’t want to mess this up because I feel better. My Surgeons assistant put it really well, when considering how long I have dealt with this bum hip I need to remember I only get ONE chance to heal from the surgery so I need to take it slow and not rush it.  

                                             

OK, SO my surgery date is the nineteenth of this month so please keep me in your thoughts and if you are local please come visit me! I look forward to getting back to the gym and uncovering a new lease on life. Thanks for all the support and encouragement. This chapter is winding down and the next one is around the corner. 

 I Am EXCITED! 

Let's Do this....

My heart is filled with excitement and relief!
My eyes filled with tears of Joy and relief!
I am grateful for Faith winning over the Frustration!
I am blessed to have such amazing support on my side.
If you haven't guessed by now or if this is your first experience with the blog let me catch you up.

Friday, July 20th I had my second appointment with the Hip Surgeon who is known for his solid cement firm boundary that he only will operate on patients with a 40 BMI or less. Those of you who know something about BMI and have been following my journey,  you know I have been stuck above that for some time now.






Let me back up a little. A few weeks ago now I had my two year bariatric follow up with my  Surgeon. (my new best friend - story to follow) At this appointment, after getting on the scale I was immediately frustrated and upset. When the Doctor came into the room and was looking at my chart he was all smiles. I did not get it. I had not lost any weight in about 6 months. I just thought to myself, well I am glad he is having a good day but I certainly am not. He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were "Your blood work is perfect". OK, that is always good to hear so that did lift my spirits, especially since they took about 6-8 vials of blood to do every test under the sun. Anyway, it was looking up somewhat, at least I know  I am still a Medical Unicorn but why can't I get the scale to shift at all?


So after telling me how my blood work was perfect, he asked how I was feeling, now I knew he probably meant physically but my emotions were taking over... " I am frustrated" , he asked me why, because my blood work was perfect and my weight has been stable for six months and all this (in his mind) is great. So I explained to him my frustration and he actually listened. This Doctor listened and did not brush me off. He heard what I had to say about my frustration with the scale being stuck. I explained the source of my frustration was mostly because there is nothing more I can do to change what I am doing because I can not exercise due to the bum hip. He asked me who my hip surgeon was and I told him and he quickly responded with a knowing "Oh, yes... he has a very strict hard line on the BMI". I told him that is why I am frustrated. I understand I am doing well but I can not move the BMI without making some changes in my activity and I can't do that. In fact, my activity level has gotten less because the pain has gotten worse. As I was telling my story to him I could tell his wheels were turning. He was hearing me but I could tell he was thinking about solutions.
So the next thing he says is that he will have the office girls send over a referral to the hip surgeon because he knows that Doctor and he is going to call him and have a conversation with him.  He went on to say while he knows he has a hard line when it comes to the BMI he also knows he CAN make an exception. WHAT??? Did I hear that right? With some disbelief, I asked him if he was really going to talk to him and he said yes he knew him and would talk to him. This is when I announced to my Bariatric Doctor that he was my new Best Friend.













You know they say life is made up of moments, in that moment I had the biggest sense of relief, and Hope for the first time in a while. Hope for relief from pain, Hope for a flexible, mobile, exercise filled future. All that being said Hope is not enough. It was great but I still had to get an appointment and meet with the hip surgeon.
Life being what it is... (a journey often testing us).... The next week I waited in anticipation of a call to schedule an appointment to see the hip surgeon. Well, a week went by so my inner voice had to start doing some justifying of why they may not have called yet, otherwise, I might slip back into that frustration or worse depression. The next week I thought, of course, I will get a call this week, Monday- Nope, Tuesday-Nope, Wednesday-Nope, Thursday-Nope, Friday-NOPE. After the second week of no call, it was much harder not to be frustrated and depressed, let alone doubtful that it was going to happen. Then I just thought to myself I believe my bariatric Doctor will do what he said AND I believe he thinks I am ready for surgery and should be considered for an exception. SO... I email the bariatric office and just asked about the referral to see if it got sent over so I knew where the delay might be.  I was trying to stay strong and take charge. The next day I got a message from the hip surgeon's Nurse and she said my Bariatric Doctor spoke to them and asked that they see me. So I called as soon as I could, and they had one appointment 3 weeks out and then it was another several weeks before they had another opening.  I told the nurse I would take whatever she had and make the adjustment I need to anything else, this is my priority.
So I got an appointment! Met with the Doctor, had a lengthy discussion about the risk and why he is so strict about the BMI. I appreciated that he took time to explain to me the thought behind all of his decisions but as he continued I could not decide if he was warming up to another letdown or just covering his bases and educating me on the risks and why. I manage to work into the conversation that I am a Medical Unicorn and have not had any issues with the two surgeries I did have, and I have not had any of the classic health issues that accompany someone as obese as I was and still am. I was trying to reassure him I really am not as big of a risk as I may seem. He paused some then he continued discussing the reasons he does what he does but then starts to say that it did not appear I was going to fall into any of those categories but he still wanted to be sure I was aware of risk with any surgery. Now it sounds like he may make an exception.
So at this point, I am freaking out inside and just want to scream Yes or NO!
Then he asked some questions, is taking some notes and then turns to me and  says with the bariatric Doctors recommendation, report on my success with the program, and he can see I have done everything I can AND.... maybe I am the Medical Unicorn I say I am (we chuckled), he is going to make an exception for me.
 HIP HIP HOORAY! (pun intended)

He then quickly followed that up with a seriously funny look at me and says, "You can not tell anyone I made an exception for you!" We chuckled but I knew he was serious and I half expected him to pull out a confidentiality form to sign.
That being said if you are reading this you are now also sworn to secrecy!
Now I  wait for a call from the scheduling nurse to get a date and then I think I will really believe it is going to happen.  I am hoping I do not end up waiting 2 weeks for a call to get on the schedule! NO, let me correct that... I will not wait 2 weeks to get on the schedule! LOL
It seems I am entering a new stage of this journey and I am excited.  I can not wait to join the gym again and get back into Aqua Classes! I can not wait to get a bike, and not worry about how far something is if I have to walk and be able to sleep without pain.
 I am really looking forward to this next chapter!

Frustration vs. Faith

My current status is the same as far as the hip surgery. Still waiting for the BMI to go down. What has changed in the last couple weeks is the hip pain has increased which makes life overall more challenging, harder to get around, sleep, cope with other life issues and even smile. I couldn't figure out why it was worse since I am already bone on bone why is the pain getting worse, then I realized the cortisone shot is wearing off. This is the downside to the cortisone shot, you forget how bad the pain is until it wears off! UGH.

All this makes my current heart (emotional) state one that is riding back and forth between Frustration and Faith OR Heavy and Light. I have the virtual Angel and Devil sitting on my shoulders whispering in my ears. I get frustrated but then remind myself how far I have come.
"You can do it" versus "Throw in the towel this is over".
Translation ... "Have some Ben and Jerrys, what can it hurt?" versus "Have a sugar free popsicle and do some stretches".

In relation to food and weight, it is so very clear to me after all these years that Frustration definitely plays out in the mindless eating of things that are not good for me while the Faith plays out in making healthy food choices. With this in my awareness, it ironically is still the same patterns and battles I fight, I just am aware of them now and they play out more honestly and in the light and not subconsciously with no awareness.
So like any addiction be it Drama, Alcohol or Food we really are never 100% free of it, we have stages and various depths to it but it will always be there, like a "Good friend" so I shall embrace it as such! It is a part of me, my journey and ultimately my truth.

So I sojourn on with my goal BMI in sight, Knowing the day will be here when I can get back in the pool doing my Aqua Aerobics, ride that bike and go on those hikes with no pain and look back on these days as just another part of my education.

I will try not to wait so long between entries next time. Thanks for stopping by be sure to ask any questions or leave comments.

Dog Days of Donuts

So today was "a day" after a long week that ended in what could only be identified as a Donut devastation disaster! BUT... It is what it is, and tomorrow is a new day... THAT is the saving grace!
I am not sure why we insist on beating ourselves up when we make mistakes or make poor choices, but we do. We really need to stop that.
SO this week has been a very busy and intense week with more than the usual crisis of an extreme measure at work. It is a given that you are going to deal with crisis as a Social Worker but some days/weeks are more intense than others and those are the times my old habits rear their ugly heads and challenge me to stick with new/healthier choices.... but alas occasionally the old ones win.
So on top of the work stress, my sleep has not been great this week either. Still dealing with hip pain at night waking me up, and disrupting my sleep. This combination is just a  piece of chocolate cake in the making.
So about halfway through the week, I am noticing the stress creeping up and my craves rising. I was even talking them out with a friend, listing the things I was craving, chocolate cake, milkshake, etc. Even as I was talking I was hearing myself and realizing these aren't actual cravings but more my emotional band-aids or more directly put... MY OLD BEHAVIORS. It is so interesting after all these years how automatic it is to resort to old behaviors.
My food cravings are not food cravings at all but comfort cravings.
So today after a very emotionally draining crisis at work (after the already rough week) on my way home I promptly went to Krispy Kream and got a donut. Yup, the old behavior won in that moment, but I knew what I was doing.  I knew that while it won this time, it would not win again tomorrow.I knew that it likely would win again but not on a daily basis as in the past when it was not in my awareness but just automatic behavior! I will never again be unaware of the process and what it is I am doing. I will never again think for a second that that donut or chocolate cake will fix things or make me feel better about anything other than a brief moment.  So when I do make a choice to resort to old coping behaviors I also know I am making a choice. I am not a victim, I am a result of my choices. Moving forward I will continue to work on building up my healthy behavior toolbox so I can make better choices and have more options. One choice I am constantly working on is being real and vulnerable so that others can see they are not alone and we are not all that different. We all have old behaviors and patterns in place that need work refining or improving but that is the very definition of life, right? SO onward and upwards, learning and growing as the journey continues.


Please feel free to leave a comment, you can do it anonymously and you won't have to have a google account, but if you do please leave your name in the body of the comment. Thanks

It Ain't Easy... It is a choice

So I sit here....  pensive.... frustrated..... sad... yet grateful.

So I had a follow up appointment with Anna (Nurse Practitioner) a couple weeks ago, and started to write about my current status and experience and I got a couple lines down and couldn't do it. I was more than frustrated this time after my appointment.
I was mad, depressed and extremely disappointed.
It has been three or four months since my last appointment, even back then I was feeling frustrated  having hit the inevitable plateau but now for the second time in over ten years the scale went UP.                                                                                                                                      F*CK !
  I was afraid of this... Not being able to exercise and hitting the plateau , I was afraid this would happen. After all this time I do know what my body does and how to work with it, but my limitations are getting in the way. In the past it was easy to adjust my workouts or adjust my food/calorie intake some, but now I can do neither. Feeling despair.
Then as I listen and watch Anna's reaction she doesn't seem worried, in fact she says to me I think you are not eating enough. Now I had heard this before but I know how and what to eat so I think to myself I understand how that happens but I think I am eating enough. Then thoughts of the previous appointment fly by and I think last time the focus was on getting more water.
It is always something.

Not enough water, not enough food, not enough exercise.... How am I to feel ok about myself when every corner I turn I hear (inside voice)  "You are not enough" !
Now logically I know I am enough (most times I know it) but when continually faced with MORE to do , eat, say, feel whatever, you can't help but to feel like "Less" or "Not enough" .

For me I realized, I am smart enough to know those voices/messages are pure...B*ll Sh*T !
I AM ENOUGH!
Not only am I enough but I am a Fricken Unicorn!

Why do we let the struggle take so much of our power? Why instead of beating myself up over and over again don't I look at how far I have come? Look at what I have accomplished? Why do we so quickly jump to the negative and allow it to drag us down?
OH.... because we are human!
That's right, unfortunately it takes work to be positive. It takes effort to stay on track and not give in to those voices telling you your not enough. It is not easy and anyone who tells you it is ... well they are not being honest. It is hard work! I know some make it look easy but trust me they work at it too!

I  would rather put in hard work to benefit from the pay off.
What is that pay off you ask? Well for each of us I suppose it is different. So I will only speak for myself....
For me the pay off of hard work, keeping life and my journey in perspective, means the majority of life is Pleasurable, Joyful, Enjoyable, and Loving.

SO ... I won't throw in the towel over a increase of numbers on the scale for only the second time in over ten years. I will use it as motivation to figure out how to change it. I will access the support around me to keep moving forward.

Above all I will be HONEST with myself and allow the occasional sadness and even despair to rise up and smack me in the face, but only for a moment.
I will not LIVE in the sadness or despair, I choose to live in the Joy!

What choice will you make?

Leave a message,note, question...

TRUTH

Sometimes Truth is painful. Sometimes that causes me to go quiet. I started this blog to build in some accountability as well as support to my journey.  I realize when I have been quiet and gone long periods of time without writing I am robbing myself of the very support and accountability I have sought by having a blog. Like all of us I am a work in progress, and there is progress despite how it feels at times..... Like now.

I haven't written in a while because I have been Stuck! I haven't had much success or any fun stories to share. In fact the only thing I have had to share is frustration, pain, and sadness. I realized that is a part of the journey so I need to write about it as well. I have shared the struggles in the past and it has been received well, so I need to move forward and continue the sharing.

Here goes....  I have plateau with my weight loss which is totally normal and expected. Under most circumstances I would do what needs to be done , you know decrease calories, increase exercise,  switch up the exercise, in short change it up and trick my body (metabolism)  back in to higher functioning mode. This has always worked for me in the past. The difference right now and why I am so frustrated is I can't change much. What I mean is after the bariatric surgery it isn't like I can decrease my food intake, I am already struggling to get all my water and protein in! Then there is the hip. There is so little exercise I can do, so I can't really switch anything. Thankfully I have a awesome Physical Therapist who while treating my hip and shoulder helps me to figure out some exercises to do. I try to focus on things like that because otherwise I find myself feeling hopeless and well....  I am not a fan of feeling hopeless.
 I have been feeling hopeless because I am so close to being able to have surgery (within 25LBS) but remain stuck for several months. UGH! So the struggle is real! So much of my journey has been to make a choice to be positive and find the strength. I specifically use the word choice because it doesn't just happen, I have to choose it and make it happen.  That being said when the pain continues on a daily, even hourly basis the strength sometimes is hard to find. So I am going to wrap this entry up by sharing this.... The Struggle is part of the Journey. I want to be as transparent and real as possible so that includes the tough stuff, including the occasional hopelessness.
 Everything worth having includes struggle, effort and energy (lessons). I know it will get easier, and I know I will make it, I know I am not alone and I appreciate you coming and reading and letting me be real. Thanks for all the support, so many amazing people in my life.  I will continue to share, grow and move forward with the good , the bad and the ugly!  ....
Cuz that's how I Roll !

New Experience .... Girlie Stuff

There are times in life when you don't even know what you are missing until you experience it for the first time. Especially things that you might believe are from days and times gone by, like our youth or childhood.
Recently I had a amazing experience that was such pure joy I didn't want the time to end. It was a little bitter sweet , mostly sweet. I want to share it because I think it may be one of those things many people take for granted and also something most do not consider when thinking about their friends and/or family members and what their lives are like as a obese person. I am not sure people realize how different a life can  be when you are overweight.  Many of life's simple pleasures escape those of us who are overweight, for a woman it is some of the "girlie" things that others take great pleasure in doing. I have endless examples of this but I will only share one for purposes of contrast before I share my recent joyful experience.



So many years ago when I was at my heaviest a close friend of mine was getting married and she asked me to be a part of her wedding. First of all I was grateful to be asked because I know some people would not want a overweight person in their wedding party, sounds shallow you say, it happens. So at many stages there were things we needed to adjust or accommodate because of my size and were to be expected, like the dress. However something no one thought of, including myself because I had never been in this situation before, was the process of getting our nails done. What you ask? Yes... getting our Mani & Pedi's. So getting my manicure was not too big of a deal although there was a moment of panic when I saw the chair..."Will it hold me?" , but it did. So I made it thru the first stage but then came time for the pedicure. Now ladies you know those big chairs with the tub attached, get that image in your mind and them imagine a obese woman trying to gracefully get up in the chair without embarrassing herself let alone she may not fit in the chair comfortably. When it was my turn to get in the chair I literally just looked at it and looked around trying to figure out how I was going to make this work. Needless to say it was very awkward and by time I got in and then got out I had totally ruined my manicure because I was struggling getting in and out. Then I was so embarrassed that I struggled so much and ruined my fingernails that I did not want to say anything to get them fixed, so I left with completely messed up nails. I ended up having to do them over myself. Yes! Manicures and Pedicures can be a nightmare when you do not move well and have to climb into a chair that is too small. These are things I think many people take for granted. Along with that I don't know anyone can really understand the emotional pain of such situations unless you experience it.
 In contrast to that is how far I have come in my process and as such I want to share a Joyful experience that I recently had that most have in their childhood but I had for the first time at 54 years old.
A couple weekends ago my dear friend of 35 years came to stay the night and visit with me. She has recently introduced me to this crazy addiction call Lula Roe. Many of you will understand what I am talking about, anyway it is a clothing line , with many fun styles. I have never really been able to be interested or involved with anything related to fashion and clothes because I simply had to get what I could find. At one point I had gotten so large I had to order all my clothes online, I had gotten to large for the plus size stores. I share that only to add to the level of excitement and understanding for what I am going to share about my friends visit.
So I mention the clothing line for a couple reasons, first reason is because for the first time I can actually get clothes from a current fashion trend. Yup they make sizes that are larger but I also have gotten smaller. It has been fun to be able to participate in this fashion trend with my friends because I have never been able to do that before, this is new. So the second reason I mention this is because my friend who was coming to visit me came with gifts! She had brought me some clothes from this fashion line. I was not at all surprised by my friends generosity, she is always giving. I was however surprised and excited that the gift was clothing! I am so excited because it has been at least 25 years (probably longer) since anyone has been able to buy my clothes. You are not gifted clothing when you are obese. So it was very exciting.
NOW..... that all sounds great right? It was. It was amazing! What was even more exciting and unexpected was the fashion theme continued  as we went out to grab a bite to eat and while out we stopped by a clothing store and had fun looking around and finding a few great deals, but then to my surprise we found a shirt that we both loved and actually came in sizes that worked for both of us! WHAT??? Of course she bought a size that was bigger than her normal size but she wanted it to be a little oversized for how she was going to wear it. Regardless I could not believe after 35 years of friendship we were buying our first matching shirt! I was so excited. I know it may sound silly to you but if you have never been able to share something like that with someone you have no idea how fun and bonding it can be.
All this fashion talk and clothing lead to another experience I have never had in my life and I swear I felt like a teenager, all giggly and girlie. We took pictures of us in our matching shirts! We wondered all around the house trying all sorts of things, being silly and laughing it was just a totally different experience for me. Not the laughing and giggling, we do tons of that, the taking pictures with your BFF in matching shirts!
Then just when I couldn't imagine another new experience, the next day since I had these new clothes my friend decided I needed to have a photo shoot (I needed picture for contest with the Lula Roe, ask I will tell you more about it) Anyway she did my hair and my make up and then we did multiple photos in multiple outfits. We did some inside and outside , styling the clothes. It was so fun and just pure joy. We did this for a few hours, time flew...
Towards the end of it all I realized I had never really had a experience like this with someone taking photos of me and me feeling so good in my clothes and so confident and not even one once apprehensive. We just laughed and were creative and had so much fun. To have this experience with my friend of 35 years and being 54 years old, I just realized how many things I still have to experience with my new life and health. I also realized how great it was to have new experiences with someone after 35 years of friendship. I can never fully express my appreciation and love for my BFF who gifted me clothes and another great "first" experience. It was amazing to feel girlie, cute and silly, while being care free , in the moment and so filled with JOY!


So I want to encourage those of you on a health journey of your own, keep it up. There are so many things that you may have missed out on in life but it is never too late to experience them. I look forward to so many new experiences, I can't wait.

Those of you with overweight friends and family members, please be sensitive and do not assume we are ok with all the situations we end up in, we often just keep quiet.... It seems easier. I also would encourage you to remember how many things we have never done because of our size, so we may not be turning you down because we don't want to go or do something we may just be afraid of the unknown and embarrassing ourselves or worse getting hurt.
Thanks for listening and BFF, Thanks again for being so awesome! Your generosity and love are always such a joy to experience. I Love you!