Joy Wins !

Just last week I was sharing some frustrations in my update and even said "pain from my hip is winning over the joy of the success".  Well this week the Joy has won!
Some of the details I left out previously is I am now also working on a shoulder injury and I did see a second Orthopedic surgeon for that and for a second opinion on the hip, but I digress. I want to focus today on the joy that happened and I mention the second injury because the Joy is a direct result of that injury and my physical therapy for it.
So after being worked on by my Physical therapist , who is amazing by the way, she set me up to do some exercises on the equipment there. So I am introduced to the TRX, I have seen this contraption before but never imagined I could do anything with it. So she shows me what to do with this and inside my head I am thinking..."Seriously... do you see who you are talking to??" then as she continues to explain which muscles I should be focusing on and how to properly use them she also explains to me one of the things about this TRX is you are using it with  your own body weight..."again inside my head I am thinking to myself.... SERIOUSLY... you know my weight! Is this a good idea?".
Despite my hesitation I have complete trust and faith in my PT so I do it.  (seriously she rocks, if you need a PT let me know I will tell you where to find her!)
Anyway,  NO it was not easy, but I did my 3 sets of ten, not much but baby steps right.
SO fast forward to the next day.......... OMG I did not think I was going to be able to lift my toothbrush let alone anything else, I was so sore. My first thought was oh man I hope I did not over do it, then as I was taking note of what my body was feeling I realized something.
 The thing  I noticed is what brought me such Joy this week.
Taking stock of my body  I realized what I was feeling was "SORE"!
OK I get it you are like Duh, of course you were sore....
Let me say it again and see if you get it.... I was SORE..... 
For most this would not seem like a big difference but for me it is huge, I was sore, NOT in pain.
This soreness I was feeling was like an old friend. It was a feeling I have really REALLY missed. That feeling of sore muscles after a good workout. Believe me when I say it is a totally different feeling than Pain. Especially the Pain I have been dealing with that interrupts daily life including sleep and work. Pain that causes a silent tear to run down my face. This was so different and so welcomed.
I never thought I would be that person but I am, I MISS WORKING OUT. I miss that feeling of sore muscles after a good workout. SO that was my JOY this week, feeling sore muscles. My body was sore but thankful to remember that my muscles do work and they will continue to work and help me to get stronger everyday.

Shout out to my PT, you know who you are... Thank You for being such a Rock Star. Thank you for being patient with me as I ask a million questions. Thank you for explaining things to me in a way I can understand without talking to me like I am a idiot (I hate when medical professionals do that)
Most of all, Than You for being a good person, a hilarious person, a kind person a Unicorn!
I am honored to know you and privileged to be able to work with you! THANKS

Perserverance

So I haven't written in a while and I realized that despite the success I have had in the last year the struggle remains. I also realized that when the struggle is at a peak I tend to withdraw , hence no entries to the blog. I will be working on that because when I withdraw it is not healthy for me and I believe for many of us when we withdraw is when we succumb to old behaviors and patterns. So moving forward I welcome inquiries from any of you if you don't hear from me or don't write for a while. I do know accountability helps me to break old habits including the one of withdrawing when the struggle is winning.
What is the struggle... everything... Life.




If there is anything I have learned on this journey it is weight issues are life issues.
Any addiction is a life issue. All of us have issues, wonder what your addiction is? Anyway...

Life is a Joy and Life is a struggle! We can't separate the two! Sometimes the struggles seem greater than the joys and other times the Joy wins over the struggle, so goes the dance.
So in May I had my year appointment after bariatric sleeve surgery. I got rave reviews and plenty of kudos for the 100 pounds I have loss. While the wonderful staff were all excited, inside I was unimpressed not because I did not feel successful but because the pain from my hip is winning over the joy of the success. This is a danger zone for me. I know my patterns after almost 14 years of this journey and when I start to see the joy being overshadowed by pain, be it physical or emotional (usually both because they are connected) I fall into bad patterns of depression and then comforting with food. SO again while I recognize my patterns and I can interrupt the patterns with different choices the struggle is still very real and alive.
To update, I had a cortisone shot about 8 or so months ago and it actually helped relieve a lot of the pain. It was not 100% but it was enough I was not in tears from pain on a daily basis, I was able to sleep longer than an hour or two at a time, so it was significant. Around the time I was coming up on my year after surgery it started to wear off. For a few weeks the pain began to grow and it was obvious the shot was wearing off. Long story so fast forward to result of it all, I still have no surgery date for the hip but I got another cortisone shot. It has not fully kicked in like the last one but it is better and hopefully getting better each day. My biggest frustration is while the shot helps it is not enough that I can start back with my exercise regimen. This is the hard part and actually if I am honest it scares me too.
This scares me because I know my body well enough now to know that at different stages of weight loss it get comfortable and stops working at its highest capacity, it plateaus. This is normal and expected and what i have learned that is when you change-up your diet or exercise to jump-start your metabolism or trick it, so to speak. However with a "sleeve stomach" I really can not change my diet much and with a bum hip I can not exercise much, not like I was before which was 3 to 5 times a week. So fearing the plateau is also real. What is one to do???

So the Struggle is real, yet I will persevere because it is what I do. I will fight to have the joy shine brighter than the struggle. I will continue to keep the struggle in its place but also acknowledge that the struggle is real because denying it is to fall back into patterns that I do not want to visit again.

There is so much more to add but I am going to stop here for now and just encourage anyone who has questions ro comment to feel free to do so. You can leave comments or questions as an anonymous person without having to sign up for blogger, but if you do please leave your name in the body of your comment so I know who you are.
Thanks again for all the support and encouragement.
Peace to all of you as you face your struggle, and never lose sight of the joy in you life, appreciate the little things, and hang in there.

Humility

I would like to think in general I am a humble person, but who knows others may think differently.
Regardless I have recently been reminded to always remain humble because before you know it , just as you start to feel a little prideful, something happens to knock you back down and remind you that like everyone else you are human and fallible. Finding that balance of confidence and humility is tricky at times as I recently was reminded.
So lately it seemed I had been receiving a lot of compliments. I lot of people noticing and commenting on my weight loss and how far I have come yada yada yada.....
I am always a little surprised at first when I get a compliment because I am always in the "struggle" or on the "journey" so I am not focused on that from which I came, but more where I am headed. So the comments are always reminders of how far I have come and I always appreciate the feedback and compliments. However there has been a couple times  when I get several compliments in a row or several in a short amount of time and I start to a little ego boost, which is a good thing until you cross that ever so thin line.....  to plain old egotistical and cocky (not to be confused with Kocky, some of you will get that!)
So this last week I had a very brief moment where I crossed that damn line. I was feeling great, looking good, strutting around like I was all that, OK that might be exaggerating a little but in my mind I was feeling that cocky confidence. Well I went to Physical therapy and while I did struggle, I was very proud of myself because I was pushed / challenged and I met the challenge. Now for purposes of this Blog entry I am going to tell you all what happened but please keep in mind this is very revealing and  a little embarrassing but it is part of the process and one of those things people don't like to talk about or admit so I am going to go there! (Be gentle with me!) LOL
So during my Physical therapy appointment we were discussing things I could do to help with lower back pain due to my bum hip and over compensating and such. Well my physical therapist was describing something to me and then asked me if I wanted to get on the floor and try it. OKAY... let me first explain the physical therapy is done in a open room much like a gym where there are several tables and machines that many people are using all at the same time, SO... she is asking me to get on the floor in a room full of people. I look at her like she just asked for my right arm and said "UMmmmmm NO!" and gave her a little look of disbelief that she would ask such a crazy thing. Once she realized my obvious discomfort she very kindly and politely asked me if I would try in the room with the door shut.
Based on my trust in her I said yes....

Now I understand some of you are thinking this is insane and you have no idea what a huge deal this is for me because you can easily get up and down off the floor. Well for the record and some perspective, I honestly can not even remember the last time I got down on the floor. I actually avoid the floor because my fear is I couldn't get up, at least not without help. (Those of you who can, never underestimate the little things in life) I not only avoid the floor but I avoid furniture that is low to the ground too. These are some of the things that I have to think about because of my weight / size. Anyway, so I went with her to the room and clumsily found my way down to the floor. She showed me some exercises using a roller and I was able to do them and I actually liked them and saw how they would be helpful, but then the realization set in that I had to get up off the floor and I had no idea how I was going to do that.
So the time came to get up and I moved over close to the therapy table and sort of awkwardly rolled over to my knees and braced myself on the table and used my upper body strength to pull myself up.... It was not pretty at all. Thank Gawd my physical therapist is a kind and gentle woman. I did it! I got down and I got back up!

Am I ready to do it again... Hell No! Not for a while at least.

So the whole experience was humbling and reminded me that while I have come so far I still have so much more to go. I was encouraged by my own tenacity but I was humbled my my limitations too. What added to my humbling was the fact that a few days later I noticed my shins were hurting and all bruised up and at first I couldn't figure it out, until it then dawned on me.... My legs were bruised from me getting down n the floor and back up again. DAMN! My poor body! What have I done to it?! So the entire experience was humbling and also encouraging at the same time. While I believe with all my heart and mind that we have to be positive and believe in ourselves and the encouragement is crucial to our success, I also believe we have to remain humble and never grow complacent .... Life is work, Life is a constant challenge, Life is a beautiful journey.
Thanks for listen and letting me share a little of mine with you.

FOOD IS NOT THE ENEMY!

I have come to learn that food is not the enemy in ANYONE's weight journey. NO matter what your issue with your weight, you can't blame food IF you ever want to Heal and get Healthy.
I am constantly reminded of this, number one, mistaken belief when I have a week like this week.
We often put the blame on food when we have weight issues. Food is really the hero in these situations and not the enemy. Food is life giving and life preserving. It is our own personal thought processes and/or emotions that are the enemy.
So this week was rough. The best way to give you a perspective without boring you with the details is to share that on Thursday this week I was sitting at my desk and I started having this weird thing happen with my vision. I was seeing flashing , moving, flickering lights in the periphery of my line of sight. I ignored it at first but when it did not stop I was a little concerned. Of course you start to run through all the things you have heard, it's a stroke , your going to pass out, etc...
Now normally I steer clear of Web MD but I was growing concerned and had to see what I could find. I got to the point that I was trying to decide if I needed to tell someone and seek help before something happened and perhaps I was unable to speak. (yes, it was scary)
SO Web MD quickly verified one option I considered, Ocular Migraine. Yes it is a real thing, look it up. Short version... It wasn't a stroke, basically it was a short lived reaction/symptom of stress. In all of my life I don't think I have been that stress before that I was having physical reactions. I of course have emotional reactions but as a Social Worker with excellent blood pressure I am a unicorn, but you all know that already and I digress.....
So that was my week...  Once I realized what was happening I also started to look at the week as a whole and realized that I had eaten more crap (sorry no other words for it) this week than I had in many , many , many years. Even with my tiny new stomach I still ate crap, just not very much, thank goodness. It was this process that made me realize or more accurately remind me that my issues with my weight are not about food but always about my emotions.
We can try to fool ourselves and say things like," I am just a foodie and love food" , or "I just can't afford to eat healthy", "I don't want to cook two different meals all the time, one for me and one for my family", "I eat how I was raised", there are ENDLESS excuses and/or reasons we can come up with to explain or weight issues. Most of our reasons point the finger at Food or sometimes others but ultimately no one, no thing is responsible for the situation we find ourselves in when dealing with our weight except ourselves!



So while this week sucked...  I am grateful for the reminder that this journey is mine and I AM RESPONSIBLE for it!  My journey is not about food, but about my personal emotional healing and health. So I pick myself up and continue to look at my habits, and look for adding even more tools to deal with my stress because I am choosing to stop using food as my scapegoat.

So all that being said I also have been stressed or concerned about the numbers, same old story I know.... anyway, I wanted to let you know that from my highest recorded weight at the surgeons office (not the pre-op weight they use) I am officially down 100LBS!!! YEAH!!!! Another milestone, I am in the "2's" for the first time since probably high school !  So I am moving forward and getting closer to the hip replacement. Approximately 35 lbs more until I can have hip surgery so I am anxious to get it off and get that done! That is my update for now.






Thanks for stopping by , please feel free to ask questions , you can do that here or message / email me.

Challenging Holidays

Challenging Holidays....

So we all experience over eating on holidays, it is almost expected of us. We plan for it by wearing our loose fitting or elastic wasted clothing, schedule couch time using football or It's a wonderful life as a excuse to be a sloth and so many other things. This is just ingrained on our culture, so with a new smaller stomach how does one do these holidays? Well since it has been a while let me back up to Halloween which seems to start our three to four month decline and unraveling of the rest of the years hard work.
Halloween is not so hard for me, except during high stress times at work because everyone has candy at their desk free for the taking. Then there is the office Halloween fund raiser where people can send you "Spooky Grams" . These are tasty little treats your coworkers/friends can send you as a little special acknowledgement. Of course I don't want to throw those away because it is so thoughtful and kind and it would be just rude not to eat it... RIGHT? Let the games begin.... Guilt.
Yes we feel Guilt if we eat it , we feel the guilt if we do not... Oy Vey! I often ask myself what is it about guilt that we give it so much power and control in our lives? I will save that for a BOOK! LOL  Anyway, so Halloween, I get several Spooky Grams and had a couple high stress days and found myself eating some candy which is not great for anyone but for someone with limited space in their stomach, these treats take up space AND have no nutritional value so I not only get the bad sugars and carbohydrates but rob myself of the protein and other nutrition I need. Thankfully I did not stay home and pass out candy on the actual Halloween night because that is always a excuse to have a candy or two, so that was one good thing this year, I did not do that. I actually did pretty good making it through Halloween considering in the past it has been one of the hardest with so much candy floating around.

NEXT for me and probably the hardest for me.... NO not Thanksgiving... I have my Birthday before Thanksgiving. My Birthday is probably the hardest holiday for me because that override switch gets flipped. You know the one... It's MY BIRTHDAY and I get to do whatever I want including eat unlimited amounts of crap. The other part of my Birthday that makes it such a challenge is everyone wants to give you things you like or make things for you that they know you like. Well nothing was different this year. HOWEVER, I can say that while I had WAY TOO much sugary sweets around my birthday, I never over did it in one sitting. What I mean is Yes I had a cupcake but only a third of it at a time. Yes, I had some awesome decadent flourless chocolate tort cake, but only a tiny sliver at a time. SO yes I had way too much sugar over a few days BUT I did not over do it in any one sitting. I felt this was a success for me, but next year I will try to take it the next step and focus on some sugar free treats!

After my birthday came Thanksgiving. This was so far the most successful Holiday for me in terms of food and eating. As always there was tons of food, more then any one family needs, but we all have every year. There was the classic "snack" foods that sit out all day to munch on while we wait for the turkey and fixings to cook. I managed to stay away from most of that with a exception of a stuffed mushroom (my sister in laws specialty I will never be able to avoid) and a slice or two of salami. Now both these choices included protein and neither were large amounts, very small and manageable as to not make me feel over full with my little stomach, and yet satisfied my need to snack as it was Thanksgiving! LOL I also managed to distract myself by spending lots of time hanging with the nephews and nieces playing games which was WAY more gratifying then eating until my stomach hurt.
Then when it came time for dinner I did a couple little things that helped. First I used a small (dessert size) plate that was probably a third of the size of the plates everyone else used. Then I made sure to take some of everything I wanted, YES everything, but here is the deal. For example I love stuffing but it is another one of those high carb / low nutritional value foods, but I like it so I took like two little pieces of stuffing, or one bite. I did this with all the things I like and then I made sure the majority of my food intake was the protein, turkey, which really is the best part anyway. This made it so I not only did not over eat, but I did not feel deprived like we often do when dieting. I also choose to sit at the "kid" table ( I put kid in parenthesis because the youngest person at the table was a teenager so they are hardly "kids" anymore, but I digress), I sat at that table one because the company is better, LOL, but also it was away from the table that had all the food on it or near it! Translation, removal of the temptation. It really was not bad at all. Yes I had bites of dessert later but overall I felt very successful at Thanksgiving because there was no over stuffed upset stomach for me, and no fights with the brothers either! LOL
So Christmas is on its way and I suspect I will have another successful food experience as I have made it through my most challenging holidays, but I will still emotionally prepare and strategize just in case as it is always better to have a plan then not. I am grateful for my new little stomach and all the support from the friends and family in my life. As I continue to move forward I will share updates.

Numbers update... at my last appointment, which has actually been over a month now so these numbers are probably different now, I was down 80LBS since my surgery in May. I should have another appointment in January and I will let you know my new numbers. According to the dietician/nutritionist I am right where I should be and making excellent progress. I am continuing to work with the physical therapist to get strong in preparation for hip replacement. PT is going well too, still planking! Increasing the number and how long I hold it! Everything else is going smoothly and no complications or problems as expected because I am a Medical Unicorn. I have always know this journey would be more of a intellectual and emotional one than physical one, even though technically the entire thing is physical. OK I am getting too deep now I am confusing myself.
Thanks for reading, please leave comments and /or ask questions
HAPPY HOLIDAYS

MORE NUMBERS

Where to begin??? SO many thoughts in my head I want to share. I might have to break it up into more then one entry, regardless I will warn you that what follows in this entry will likely be confusing and scattered. I hope you will be able to follow me as I share but trust me when I say I understand if none of this makes sense... because it doesn't to me either! COL (chuckle out loud)

OK... If you have read any of my previous entries you may have seen one or two or even three on "NUMBERS" . If you are new here all I need to say to you is ... Numbers are not my friend and I think I will be able to illustrate this with the story that follows of my recent experience.

So I had my six month follow up visit last week. I must admit I was actually anxious about it for a few reasons, all of which were NUMBER related. I couldn't help but be worried about how much weight am I down? (number) Am I in the range expected at this point? (number) How much have I lost since my last appointment? (number) Where is my BMI? (number) How much more do I need to lose to qualify for my hip surgery? (number) How do I compare to other sim month numbers?

SO as you can see all these thoughts led me straight to feeling anxious. It is also obvious to see that this is self induced. So my thoughts and obsession with the numbers sparked my anxiety regarding my progress and success. This is what I have spent 10+ years trying to avoid because it is (in my opinion) crazy making. So this numbers issue is real. I know everyone understands what I am talking about. We all have certain numbers we watch, look for, anticipate, obsess over and they all cause us anxiety until we see them, then typically they either excite us or disappoint us. SO when we hit certain numbers we cheer .... YEAH! When we see other numbers we cry, get angry, frustrated and/or often disappointed to the point of self sabotaging even further with doing something like eating something we shouldn't have, or over eating ... BOO!

 SO why do we put so much of our focus on these damn numbers? Especially when they potentially can cause so much pain and even a set back. So these are things I want to encourage and challenge you to think about if you are focused on the NUMBERS.
Ask yourself the questions... How am I feeling? If you are feeling good that is most important.
Have I been following  my plan/meeting my goals?  If you have then great! Feel good about that!
Why do I compare myself to anyone else? Are any of us exactly the same? Are there naturally going to be ups and downs along this journey? Are there going to be plateaus or stalls? Have I forgotten how far I have come? Do I give myself credit for all the hard work?

Be kind to yourself! Do not give the NUMBERS so much power. Keep in mind you are in charge, so when you are feeling anxious or frustrated, take a look at where your focus is... Then bring it back to the positive, You Can do this! You ARE doing it! You WILL be continue to be successful... CHOOSE IT! Choose Success and it is yours!

So I just wanted to share more thoughts on NUMBERS and I will let you all in on my appointment and six month update soon, I just had to get this stuff out first! Thanks for stopping by and please leave a comment and/or questions. Let me know you are here! THANKS

MOVING FORWARD

HI, so for the update first.  Well I went and got the shot in my hip. I was pleasantly surprised how little it actually hurt to get and then very pleased at the success of it. So I got the shot and within a couple of days I would say on a pain scale of 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest I was somewhere between a 2 and a 3. Then as more time passed the pain lessened down even further to somewhere around a 1 or 2 depending on the motion and the day. Needless to say I was really excited about this... until.... I over did it.
So part of my issue is when working out you are encouraged to "push through the pain", but exercise / workout pain is different from pain from a injury or issue like mine. So I made the mistake of trying to push through the pain one day. I had spent several hours sitting on a hard wooden chair and then walking a few blocks back and then walking back to the start. While I was feeling better due to the shot, I failed to remember that my bone on bone issue is still there and the shot is just covering up the pain it is not taking away the issue. SO when I sat for too long on a hard surface then walked too much I was in pain the next couple of days.
So trying to find the balance with feeling less pain and still taking it easy so that I do not throw myself back into that horrible pain. UGH... these are times I hate being a slow learner! LOL
Felling better I figured it was time to go back to physical therapy as well. SO I did discuss this with the Hip surgeon and he told me I could not do any more damage to my hip and that it really was only about how much pain I could take and if it was making things better/stronger or not irritating things and causing pain. OK well I will give it a try! So I got a referral and am heading back to physical therapy with the goal of strengthen my muscles and preparing for the hip surgery. I know the stronger all my supporting muscles are the quicker my recovery will be and the easier it will be as well. So I continue to move forward!




SO the journey continues........

Frustrations and excitements

                              

                                                  

So the journey continues! Finding the balance in life is always a challenge but even more so when I feel whiplashed at times between the frustration and the excitement.
Let me tell you about the frustration first as it seems to be taking on a bigger roll in my life these days. Despite the assumptions of everyone, including the medical professionals, my weight loss has not helped with the hip pain ... At All ! In fact it continues to get worse, more consistent throughout the day verses just certain times of day. Actually not only has it not gotten better with the weight loss , it gets worse by the day. What originally was sporadic shooting pain and pain making it difficult to sleep at night has over time turned into pretty much constant pain.
Anyway, seeing as how I have taken the advice I received from the hip surgeon, had the sleeve surgery and am losing weight at a faster pace then before I went ahead and scheduled another appointment with the hip surgeon. 
(SIDE NOTE: I have to confess as I am writing this I am becoming emotional, which again tells me how hard/ challenging this issue is for me... UGH!)
 I saw the hip surgeon on Friday and  well it was not what I wanted to hear or experience. Don't get me wrong the Doctor is a very kind man and excellent doctor, he just did not have the news I wanted to hear and when I tried to advocate for myself to be evaluated based on my history and not "statistics" there was no flexibility at all. SO bottom line is this... he absolutely will not do the surgery unless I at a BMI at 40% or less. (This is his hard line for all. BMI is a number based on height / weight ratio - or something like that! LOL) Once he calculated my numbers he said I have approximately 60 more pounds to loose. Now while I know that it is going to happen I am concerned about the timeline. I am concerned for many reasons, including insurance and share of cost , but mostly the amount of time I will continue to struggle with the constant pain.
I struggle with  talking about this because I do not like putting  energy or thoughts into the pain as it is such a negative part of my life.  I  want to focus on the positive. If I am being honest I also feel vulnerable due to the pain; it creates limitations I don't like and as I have talked about in other post I am not fond of feeling vulnerable at all.  However, that being said it is a part of my life and as you all know a part of me writing about this at all is to be honest and to be open for accountability and understanding.
So after the appointment and discussing options with the doctor it seems a cortisone shot in the hip might help with the pain and as much as I do not want to do it I feel like it is worth the pain of the shot if it will give me some relief for any amount of time. I also am going to schedule to see another surgeon to see if there is any flexibility.
Don't these people understand I am a Medical Unicorn? LOL



On the flip side, after the hip appointment I went upstairs to the bariatric doctors office to weigh in and got a new number! The girls in the office have also told me that is you are close, like within a pound or two you are allowed to round up! (They crack me up) Based on that philosophy, I am down 70 pounds. YEAH! I know it is going to slow down some at this point but it feels great so far and I will work at not being too disappointed when it slows down.
Also today I went to clothes store and was pleasantly surprised that I am in a 22/24 comfortably and I could not tell you the last time I was in that size... maybe college?
 It was nice to try on clothes and have them feel good, look good and be cute.

So I shall continue to look for the balance and march forward through the pain and focus on the excitement, knowing that this too will pass.

NUMBERS - AN EMOTIONAL RIDE

While this journey is a lot of things, and each of us has our own individual path there is one thing no one can deny that we all have in common and that is this, It is a emotional journey. So those of you who have ever struggled with any level of weight issues, be it 5 lbs or 105 lbs the emotional journey is the same, a roller coaster. It is always interesting (and annoying) to me how a few simple numbers can make or break a person's spirit. One day the numbers are down, yeah celebrate, feeling good, the sun is shining , Life is good. A day, two days maybe a week later, the numbers are up, the internal critic starts in with all the usual degrading messages, the day seems bleak, sadness or melancholy sets in, ALL effort is for naught.

I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about but indulge me while I share my experience today or more accurately, my process.

First please excuse my writing/grammar as I continue, and fasten your seatbelts because I am going to share what was going on in my mind today (It is scary , you have been warned).

So I had a appointment with NVSA (North Valley Surgical Associates) and as usual I am feeling pretty good, looking forward to seeing all the beautiful, kind smiling faces in the office. Of course the first thing we do is go to the scale (insert daunting music here). So the lovely woman weighing me of course has no reaction she just writes down a number. We go to a room and I ask, because I did not catch where it landed between the teetering two numbers, she tells me and I say so what does that make the total? (NOW.. quick little detour here , I had a Doctors appointment with my primary care Doctor just about a week ago and so I had the number 59 in my mind from that appointment , ok back to today.)

So she tells me 56lbs down ....

So the 15 or so steps from the scale to the room, the following went through my mind...

- 56 lbs? WHAT? How can that be ?

-They told me just last week a number and the total was 59lbs!?

- What did I do to gain 3lbs in a week?

-Maybe the scales are just off a little, I am sure each scale is different

-Of course the scales are different, one is the standard classic weigh balanced scale the other is digital, so it must be that...

-Why is it not down any in a week?

-What have I done "wrong" ?

-Maybe it is the heat, I do retain more water in this level of heat?

-I need to be exercising

-I am a failure

-I will never get this weight off

-Why bother?

                                                 -Who am I fooling?

WOW, YES all those thoughts in a short 15 steps to the room. Thankfully those thoughts temporarily subsided while I had a pleasant conversation with Kristin about many things far more interesting than my "numbers" dilemma . As I was leaving I got loaded up with samples and even got 2 tasty treats to try before purchasing anything. Not only that but two other gifts, a protein drink shaker and a reusable grocery bag to carry my stuff home in, I love this place! So my mind has a brief respite from the crazy I submit myself to over simple small numbers, however as soon as I leave and get to my car...  it is back on.

I get in my car to drive home and the negative, self deprecating messages resume and are quickly followed by those thoughts  that tell me "screw it, might as well just get a real milkshake and forget about the stupid protein shakes". (You are all nodding your head right now aren't you?!)

Thankfully I have been on this journey long enough I recognize this particular ride and I remind myself it is just a rollercoaster and I can get off, so I do. My turn around time with this process has gotten much shorter. Yes, I still engage in the crazy, but I snap out of it quicker now and as time goes on each time the turnaround gets a little faster and the whole process a little less intense.

So for the record, I did not get a real milkshake and of course went home and had a protein shake. I also stopped and put into perspective the whole numbers issue... 56lbs in three months is nothing to be ashamed of and trying to figure out why the two numbers were different , higher, lower whatever is missing the big picture and minimizing a more important fact...

I AM DOWN (according to the NVSA scale, LOL) FIFTY SIX POUNDS IN THREE MONTHS!

So I am choosing now to focus on the things I need to do differently and the fact that I am heading in the right direction with the help of some amazing people and support from amazing friends and family. I am Blessed!

SO to wrap it up, PLEASE if you have ever gotten all crazy over your numbers, let this be a reminder to you that we all do it and it is nonsense, you are not alone and there is no shame is sharing your process with other, in fact it is liberating and it puts in place some great accountability and support. Please be kind to yourself AND if you are one of the few who has not ever dealt with this struggle you definitely know someone who has, so hopefully now you understand a little better just how cruel we actually are to ourselves, how much we torture ourselves, so please be patient and love us through it.

Just want to Thank all my Friends, Family and Medical team for all the patience and support.

Please let me know you visited and share your story with me or ask any questions, Thanks.