Medical Unicorn

Medical Unicorn ….. What exactly is a medical unicorn, well what do we know about unicorns? They are incredibly rare, elusive creatures…. Many believe but have never experienced one, others always doubt their very existence. There are many different types of unicorns but today I want to share with you my latest good news….. I am in fact a Medical Unicorn and I have the documentation to back it up! %COL

Now I realize this may seem silly to many of you but for me this is huge because I have spent my whole life being judge not only by people in general but also by medical professionals ,which in part has added to my inability to find providers with whom I am comfortable. Every time I tell them I am not on any medication, they look at me like I am lying. I actually had one ask me if I had been prescribed medication but chose not to take it, because of course that must be the explanation. The trip to the Emergency room that time I blacked out…. Yes that was the best… every time a new nurse or Doctor would come in it would be the same thing… look of doubt. Despite the fact that they had literally ran EVERY test possible on me including MRI, CAT scan, blood test x-rays, literally everything test, and nothing came up, they still did not believe it and thus they ran several of the test twice. Not even kidding. That was a few years ago and I had nothing then and I am happy to report….. Still Nothing!

Just completed several different test, blood work, complete physical and nothing…. Not a single issue or concern. NO diabetes, cholesterol fine, blood pressure perfect…….. Nothing…. Making me a Medical Unicorn! So yeah me…. But more importantly, Please do not judge a book by it’s cover. I know that is a old saying but seriously you do not know everyone’s story. When you do not know their story, don’t just make it up, and do not assume things based on some surface or superficial observations. I also just want to plug the importance of a happy, healthy mind and spirit! Health is not just about our physical bodies, we are actually more affected by our emotional and spiritual well being so Please do not neglect all the parts of who you are…. Take care of yourselves, there are people who are counting on you and love you so destress and breathe! Say No to “Dis- ease” ! Thanks for stopping by and please let me know you stopped by or if you have any questions.

Update Addition.... The good stuff!

Hi, so after posting my recent update to this blog I realized something was missing. While it had the basic facts and some exciting news I left out some important stuff, you know that stuff that would perhaps be embarrassing if I included it but the very stuff I promised myself to share as it is a emotional journey as much or perhaps more then a physical one. SO…. Here I am with a addition to the update! HOPE……. So what I left out from the last blog update was some of the emotional things I experienced after realizing I have finally found some professionals I am excited and even eager to work with….. Yes excited. One of the things some of you may know but for the most part I keep to myself is the fact that I pretty much live with pain. I just tolerate and deal with it.

I do not take medication and I try not to complain about it because “it is what it is” …… or is it? While I had resigned to a life of pain, I did not like that idea but I felt so much better then before the weight loss so I was willing to just deal with it. I mean after all I brought it on myself. I figured I was the one who was so hard on my body for so many years so dealing with some pain was just a natural consequence. Again keep in mind I was so very grateful for all the success I have had thus far and seen so many positive changes, so when weighing (punny huh?) that against the pain…. Well why complain, just deal!

For perspective let me fill you in on what kind of pain I am talking about….. Standing, sitting for too long, stairs, walking, sleeping, putting on shoes and socks, picking up stuff off the floor….. Yup you guessed it pretty much always. I have to say for the most part I manage it well but the hard part is how limiting it is… Do you know how frustrating it is not to be able to put socks on? Think about that for one minute…… Or basic walking and going up stairs…. Constantly left behind by others….. This is often humiliating and down right depressing, but I push through, accepting it as it is my life, and I am grateful for how far I have come and continue to grow.

Well at a recent physical therapy appointment I was told several things that not only made me realize my “it is what it is” thinking is faulty but I can and should have hope. Only three appointments into my physical therapy my physical therapist tells me I have strong muscles which she tells me translates to her I will be able to kick these current issues. She continues to tell me how I have great flexible ligaments which will also make my healing easier. Then she adds that my joints are also in great shape. She has a name for my issues and a it is not “life long pain”, she explains it to me, shows me on “skinny” ,the skeleton ,what is happening. She explains the process ahead and that she is CONFIDENT she can help me. WHAT? What exactly does that mean I wonder….. So I ask about what kind of results I can expect. Here is the short version of what I learned about what I can expect as far as results…… I will be having a garage / bake sale to raise money for the bike I am going to buy! Upon getting my bike I will ride it happily without pain! (unless of course I fall… after all physical therapy can’t change clumsy! COL) So after having this discussion with her I went to my car and just sat in the parking lot for a while…. I sat there in shock, Shock that something I had resigned to and accepted as a part of life…. Well is no longer true. From shock I went to complete and total bliss from the HOPE I now had and once had previously let go of. HOPE my friends is everything. I can not wait to walk without pain, to be able to do the daily life things that so many take for granted, and to do them without pain. I am grateful for my renewed sense of HOPE! I am grateful and blessed to have such a amazing Physical therapist who is as excited as I am at the potential I am facing with her help! So there it is….. The rest of the story. Until next time…. Never give up HOPE, and Never settle!

Big Blog Update !

HI , It has been more then a year since I have written in this blog and recently I was thinking about life and my journey and everything I have been through and decided I wanted to do a update. So I have had some recent experiences that are so very different from where I started and my experiences in the begin that I wanted to share them first. Those of you who have been with me from the beginning will appreciate these stories more than others but perhaps for others it will inspire them to go back and read the blog from the beginning. In the beginning I had such a hard time finding supportive, understanding, non-judgmental professional support. I had repeated bad experiences trying to find a primary care provider, finally gave up on that and focused on other support professionals. I finally ended up with a weight management doctor who taught me a lot. I found a excellent trainer who changed my life, but then somewhere along the journey I lost both of them. I would then find a good support in other types of providers, and I figured out I really had to keep advocating for myself until I get my needs met…. What a lesson. Still at times it would seem easier to throw in the towel and just deal, but then something would come through in a positive way. Like the plastic surgeon who did my skin removal, she was great, probably the best care I have ever received and I felt she not only cared but was actually invested in my success and health. Anyway… it was hard in the beginning, but as time moved forward it kept improving.

So where am I at with this issue now……. Happy to say I finally found and secured a awesome primary care provider (after years without one) and she is already hooking me up to other professionals to add to my team to help me become the best , healthiest me I can become. I feel like she really cares and listens, this has become so refreshing as I haven’t felt that from most medical professionals. Anyway I am very happy with my new primary care provider and she is already connecting me to other amazing providers like my new favorite medical professional, my physical therapist. I have a lead on a massage therapist as well, woot woot. So as you are probably figuring out yes, I am dealing with some medical stuff but rest assured it is nothing serious and in fact nothing remotely of concern because a plan is getting in place. Actually my issues are directly related to the weight loss and my body adjusting , well or not adjusting so smoothly to the changes. It is a long story if you really are interested message, email or call me I can explain, short version…… I have a frozen (locked) hip, hence physical therapy and massage. Anyway…. I am so excited because we are having success and there is a very bright light at the end of this tunnel. I am excited because for a few years now after the weight loss I thought I just had to deal with some of these odd little aches and pains and I thought I would always struggle with certain things just because of how hard I was on my body for so many years. I just accepted it…… now come to find out I will have great improvement and likely be pain free! WOW very exciting.

So again I am learning never give up and never settle. I am still discovering new things out about my body after having the excess skin removed and every time it fascinates me. With this latest chapter I look forward to new adventures and checking things off the bucket list that I thought would never come off that list. OH … OH….. And nothing better then a medical professional telling you how strong you are and what great muscles you have, even in your “glutes” ! What?? Did I hear that right? Yup! Oh and how impressed they are with my flexibility! Thank You aqua aerobics! SO… nice to hear those things when you spent a entire life hearing how bad your body is, how broken it is, how much damage you have done to it blah blah blah….. I have great strong muscles AND I am flexible, so watch out!

So there is your update, if you have any interest in more entries from the big blog, let me know. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Hi, so it has been a long time since I have written anything but I recently have had an experience that has reminded me that while I have come so far personally, I am still an obese woman in a culture that despite its high obesity rate, still judges me and is not always accepting. After a wonderful vacation with lifelong friends who are supportive and accepting of me I was relaxed and riding high off the love we share when that all came to a screeching halt in a matter of moments. Knowing people may be uncomfortable being seated next to a large person I made a decision years ago that I would do my part by smiling at the people boarding and make eye contact to hopefully let them, non verbally, know I was O.K. hopefully they will be at least a little less uncomfortable. This thought that it may be easier for people to be comfortable if I was comfortable was clearly not the situation this time.

So smiling at the people as they board a handsome fit young man, late 20’s early 30’s, stops at the seat next to me and begins to put his bag under the seat and he says “Hi”, but never makes eye contact, I respond with a pleasant “Hello” and smile at him trying to make eye contact but that never happened. He sits down and from the get go is very fidgety and seems uncomfortable but at this point I am not assuming it is because of me, (because after all I am cute , smart and funny,) but perhaps his anxiety about flying or something else going on in his life. He pulls out a magazine and tries to read but never stops fidgeting in his seat, scooting back and forth, leaning forward then sitting up constantly moving in his seat. So I surrender to the fact that we are likely not going to be having any pleasant flight conversation and I let him continue to attempt to get involved in his magazine and give up trying to make eye contact.

This behavior continues as the plane takes off and we get going………..Then the fasten seat belt sign goes off and before the little “bing” sound can even fade this man unbuckles and gets out of his seat. Again not thinking anything of it I enjoy the view from above and then I see from the corner of my eye he doesn’t go anywhere when he gets up but to the row behind us and across the isle to talk to the man in the isle seat. Still not thinking a thing other then maybe he knows him but that is strange why wouldn’t he have spoken to him until now if he knows him? Hmm? Oh well.

Then he comes back to his seat starts to reach under the seat for his bag and then he taps me and nods his head in that “hey” kind of way, never making eye contact yet again, and he proceeds to the row where he spoke to the man in the isle seat, he climbs over him and takes the open center seat. WHAT???? Now I am starting to think, oh my…. Maybe this is about me. So I notice him putting his nose back in the magazine and it becomes obvious he does not know that man on the isle but was simply asking him if he could sit in the open seat between him and the man in the window seat. OUCH! I have to be honest it was like a dagger to my heart! Am I so repulsive that this grown man would rather seat in the middle seat (no one wants the middle seat) between two other men then next to me? REALLY? So being truthful…….. I was so hurt by this action and became so emotional I almost began to cry. It was the first time in a long time I have felt so vulnerable, insecure, ashamed and embarrassed about who I am. Every negative moment and/or bad situation I ever experienced in relation to my physicality in this world came rushing back to me along with all the feelings. Although it was a passing experience this was not something I would wish upon anyone….. Ever. However….. Thankfully it did not last, in its full intensity, for very long. Quickly I was reminded of something…… HEY….. I AM…. CUTE, SMART AND FUNNY!!! This is not about me… I was not the one who was uncomfortable, I was not the one who felt the need to change seats, I was not the one unable to make eye contact with another human being. Once I remembered this I started to actually feel some empathy for this man. How insecure must he be to feel so uncomfortable with another human being based on their physicality? This made me a little sad for him. I was validated that this incident was not about me when I saw this man later at the baggage claim carousal and observed him in an interaction with another man who was …. Well let’s just say, socially awkward. My ex-travel mate was very dismissive of this clumsy young man as he tried to make small talk with him at the baggage claim and again, while not about the socially challenged young man it seemed uncomfortable for both of them and I hoped he (the clumsy one) would either be oblivious to the awkwardness or not personalize the other mans behavior. This Young handsome fit man clearly has some unresolved pain or issues that cause him to behave in this way, so I was reminded that EVERYONE, regardless of appearances has a story and we can not assume anything about others including that their behavior or choices have anything to do with us. I can not personalize others behaviors, it’s not about me. My wish for all of us is that we keep this in mind when dealing with challenging situations and that we understand it is up to us to take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves and find our value and worth in ourselves and not rely on society or others to give us that gift. Sending much love to all, K

Little Help!

HI , I know it has been a while and I think I almost had given up on the blog but I am going to do this one and enlist some help from you all so it will not be a typical entry. Let me start by telling you I understand you have to “open an account” to leave messages on the actual blog, however I want to encourage you to go ahead and either send me a message or leave a post on my FB page. I value your feedback and opinions. SO let me start by wrapping up 2012! It was a banner year, lots happened, some good, some challenging, some great! The biggest thing related to my weight journey was the excess skin removal surgery which was very successful however also created some unsuspecting challenges throughout the year. I will spare you the long list but tell you that I think despite all the challenges I managed to keep my spirits up and I really feel overall it was a great year. That being said I find myself confused and challenged and this is why I am enlisting your help.

So what I am seeking help with is two challenges, one (and the most obvious) is what direction, if any would be interesting to take this blog? What questions have I left up addressed? What things are you still curious about? Or has it reached its end. Second and a lot more personal, is what feedback or challenges do you have for me personally. What have you observed? What am I avoiding, dancing around, or just plain not seeing? I know for some of you this may not be something you can answer as either you do not know me very well or you are not currently around me enough to offer suggestions / questions. However I do think most of you are intelligent enough and insightful enough to see where I may be missing something. SO I implore all of you to let me have it… I can only grow if I am open and honest with myself and so please do not hold back. Thanks in advanced and I promise to do a more classic entry in the very near future.

Balanced Web

REALLY? Ever wonder why we are such slow learners of life’s lessons? I do! (cuz I am) So recently I have been reminded that caring for oneself is more then any one single aspect of life but truly encompasses all aspects of life and should we neglect any one of them we may….. Well….. find ourselves face first down on the cement. So for several years now I have been pretty focused on my health, striving to become as healthy as possible. As you know if you have read the prior blogs you know along the way I have also taken a hard look at why I have done the things I have as well as paying attention to the feelings that arise through the process. So I believe I have actually given much time and energy to all aspects connected to my health in general, that being said I also believe, now, it has distracted me from some other aspects that perhaps I should have not neglected. Humor me (or more like be patient) for a minute while I try to explain an analogy that has come to me.

So we have all seen the complex, strong and complete web that seems unbreakable due to its perfect balance and completion. Then there are those webs we see that are fragile and broken at some point, you know the slightest wind may bring the whole thing down in a quick passing moment. Well I am learning that when I am too focused on one part, or even a few parts of life; i.e. health, and neglecting other aspects of life, I too am weakening my total life, growing fragile and vulnerable to collapsing under even the slightest wind.

So to prevent future incidents I will be working on ….. Wait for it….. wait……… BALANCE! So as I continue to forge ahead on this crazy journey I will be tenacious about finding that balance, tending to all parts of my life, knowing I can build a strong, complete and balanced web to live within! I will share more about the specific areas / issues in future entries. (Those of you who know me should appreciate the “web” analogy for many reasons!) I want to also just remind you all that as this sojourn continues I do appreciate any observations or insights you may have for me, I do firmly believe that accountability and community has been key to my success, so let me know if you observe or perceive me doing something out of balance. Thanks ahead of time! With great Appreciate and Love, Kathryn

RELAPSE

So I bet the title has you wondering….. It may not be what you think. I know when we see/hear the word relapse we tend to think of “falling” off whatever wagon has been our substance or distraction of choice, be it drugs, alcohol, food or even bad relationships. In my case I bet you are expecting to hear about a binge, major diet failure, or weight gain, well it is none of those things. For me (this time) I relapsed with fear.

While it was short lived it was still a very powerful moment for me in my awareness and insight as I forge on with this life. Let me share with you what brought about this realization that if I do not keep my fear in check it can and will take my life down a path I do not want to go. As some of you know I started back at the gym this month after being away from it for only two months. Now I say “only” because in relation to how long I have now been going to the gym, two months is a short amount of time in the complete span of things, however it apparently was long enough for my fear and anxiety to come back about being in the gym environment. So I was taking a break at work and walking out to my car to get my gym back so I could change and get ready for the gym after work…….. When I noticed that I was suddenly feeling very anxious. You know that uncomfortable feeling we all try to avoid……Why was I feeling anxious? What is this all about? Things at work have been a bit crazy but …… No, that’s not it…….Hmmmmm….. I have some bills I need to take care of, is it that? Hmmmmmm……It really came on rather suddenly so I was caught off guard. I walked back into work and I was going down the list of possibilities yet nothing seemed to ring true, huh? Since I could not figure it out I just tried to ignore it and get back to work. So the time came around for me to get changed for the gym and as I looked at my gym bag and went to reach for it ……. SMACK… It hit me…… I was anxious about going to the gym.

WHAT? This felt like the anxiety I had when I first was looking for a gym to join, or the time I had to leave my comfortable old ghetto gym and find a new one….. While it was a flash back (relapse) to an old feeling it was very real and very present yet again. It made me realize just how true the one day at a time saying truly is with any struggle. So the good news is I have again faced this fear and anxiety and I am slowly regaining my stride and finding my footing. The relapse while very real was overcome by the reminder of my previous strength and ability to face and conquer those fears. So onward I go, pressing forward, continuing the journey, including getting my butt back at the gym! So do not underestimate fears, and rest assured that even when we think we have overcome one it will rear it’s ugly head again and test you yet again…….. Be Strong! Kathryn

Changes ......

So the weirdness has begun! I mean that of course in only the best way. Life after the removal of thirty excess pounds of skin is very odd. Everyday I experience and / or observe something new, different and often strange. Some things that perhaps we never give any thought to are now daily in my awareness. Have you ever thought about how you stand at the sink in the kitchen? Or while you brush your teeth? When was the last time you thought about how you “move” in the world? How you stand, sit, walk? How much of what you do is “automatic” or habit? These are all things I am discovering at a rapid rate It seems silly but so much of what we do really takes no actual brain activity, as I am realizing I keep doing things that I don’t have to do any longer. One silly example is the whole bellybutton thing…..

So when do you clean out your belly button? Perhaps like me you do it as a part of your daily shower or bath routine, seems logical right….. Well what if you no longer have a belly button? It has been a couple months and I still find myself searching for my damn belly button to wash it out…. HELLO, it’s gone! (FYI- I took a break and showered before posting this and guess what?…… No really guess….That’s right even after having just written about it…. I went looking for my Bellybutton! Oy Vey!) There are several things that I do based on years of carrying that extra weight and bulk that I wonder how long it will take before I stop doing them and create new habits and rituals. The one thing I hope I never do is take for granted how blessed I am on so many levels, including getting to experience my body and physical earthly existence in a whole new way after almost fifty years. I can not wait for the next fifty; it is like being born again! Can I get an AMEN! LOL

O.K. Some of you will think the rest of this is crazy so just stop here! BUT, many of you have asked about this so I am going to do my best to explain something. I have been getting asked a lot since my surgery is “What does it feel like?” This is a hard one because there are several sensations that I have been experiencing at different times, however I will try to explain the main overriding feeling that is fairly consistent. O.K. Since I can not figure out the words to express this I have come up with a little demonstration you can do on yourselves. Come on …. No One is looking, just do it…… First straighten your arm out, now you know that part on the inside of your arm where it bends? The super fragile, softer then the rest of the skin part…. OK… Now take either two fingers or maybe your thumb and index finger and place them together in the middle of that spot on your arm…. OK Now with some pressure pull them apart as if you were trying to stretch that skin, THAT is what it feels like along my scar. That’s the best I can do….. I hope it helps those who were curious. LOL O.K. that is it for now….. Back to the Gym next week!

I am excited to get back in the water and see how things have change with my exercise abilities….. I will let ya all know! Thanks for all the support and encouragement, keep the feed back coming.

With great Love & Appreciation, Kathryn

Struggle???

So I recently had a moment where I was observing something that was such a great analogy for something I experience but have fallen short of the words to explain. So I thought I would share this in hopes that perhaps it might be something that can shed some light on to another aspect of my journey and what it has meant to be me. I have had over the years struggled with how to explain what it is like for me to be in this world as an obese person. So recently I was on a lovely little vacation with a few women, we were relaxing and hanging out by the pool. The group had moved to the spa which was connected and had a waterfall that spilled into the pool, like the picture I have included.

So for one reason or another, likely the flowing libations, one of the women decided it would be a good idea to go over the “waterfall” from the spa to the pool. So she proceeded with virtually no problem. After being in the pool a few minutes she of course decided that the spa was warmer and the preferred place to relax. So once she decided she did not want to get all the way out of the pool and walk over to the spa, she thought she would try climbing back into the spa from the pool…….. Not a simple feat! Not knowing exactly how this was going to happen, I curiously watched….. What I saw on her face was what I related to and experience in my everyday life. I observed and saw on her face several things, fierce determination to get back in the spa, fear that it was not going to happen, frustration for not knowing exactly how this was going to turn out, a little physical pain as it was not an easy task. The light switch flipped for me as I was watching this woman struggle to climb back up into the spa with no steps, ladder or any form of help other then her determination. I thought to myself that is how I feel, how I walk through this world everyday of my life. Determined to get through the day, I face the unknown physical struggles often with no help other then my fierce tenacity to get through the day. Some fear of the unknown, from “can I fit”, “will I be judged”, “and “will there be physical pain?”………. Regardless of these questions I face daily, I keep on keeping on! I push on and never give up.

So the next time you try a challenging physical feat like climbing up from the pool into the spa, pay attention to what is going on in your head as well as how you feel about the physical challenge and just know that this is a little analogy that perhaps can give you some insight to life as a obese person in this world.

I hope this makes sense to you as it did to me when I was observing it! Until next time…………..

And I won't either! Thanks again for all the love and support! Kathryn

Emotional Status

Vulnerability Update...... I could summarize this in three little words….. I AM BLESSED!

So as you may remember I did an entry a while back about my real fear, Vulnerability. The idea of relying on others, needing others, asking for help was terrifying to me, after all I am independent and strong. As if allowing others to be supportive of me some how equaled weakness….. Hmmm….. So do I believe others are weak if I am helping or being supportive… well No, so why would that be so for me? Well there were and are loads of feelings around this so if you missed previous discussions on the topic go to the archives and read more in previous entries. I want to now update you with my new and “Fresh Perspective” (Trade Marked name for my future business, not really trade marked but just saying that so ya all don‘t steal my idea! LOL) I am certainly not going to tell you that I am now able with ease to ask for help and /or support, but I will tell you I am getting much better at it and more then that I am honestly touched by all the offers of help.

The true love I have seen and felt by so many has been amazing. Not only has there been so much emotional support but several have taken time out of their days to come visit me, to load my dishwasher, buy me groceries, bring me magazines and puzzle books and other things to do to keep me busy. I have had people I am just getting to know send sweet notes to cheer me up and give me mail that is not a bill asking for money! People have taken time off from work (which translates to money folks) so that they can give me a ride to follow up appointments, which by the way is an hour from where I live. I have had people help me with wound maintenance which as everyone knows can be….. Wellllllll, gross. One particular Angel actually traveled across state lines, left her home, husband, doggies and life to stay with me after I returned from the hospital! WOW, I mean who does that? I AM BLESSED! I also really appreciated how so many people would just not take “No” for an answer.

When I would say “No thanks, I am good” or “No everything is fine” they would not accept that and instead they would just walk around until they would find something that needed to be done. I also received homemade goodies, Balloons, flowers, a package in the mail full of fun stuff, the list is honestly never ending. I could go on and on with the list of things people have done for me and the variety of ways people showed their love and ultimately all this adds up to really a life changing experience for me on more levels then I ever expected. Seeing how many people were actually willing to help, and not just give lip service like we all do sometimes, really showed me just how privileged and lucky I am to be so loved and to have so many awesome people in my life. I can never fully articulate the depths of my appreciation not only the loving help and gifts but for the life changing perspective shift I have had as a result of all this. For me to move some of the things I know in my head to move down to my heart is huge! For example Knowing I am deserving and worthy of the love, help and support is one thing but to truly accept and feel I am deserving and worthy is so much better then just knowing it!

So to ALL My Loving Angels, Thank You so much for everything, I am not only physically changed ,thanks to my hard work and Doctor, but more importantly I am forever emotionally change because of all your acts of kindness and love.

Strange Trip

It IS a Long Strange Trip…………I want to emphasize “IS” because it is not over. This last chapter of my journey has been a big one and a literal transformation like no other physically, but as you know if you have been with me or following my journey, this journey has been so much more. That being said I am going to focus this entry on the physical part since it is a large part of my most recent days and I am sure many are curious. So here goes…………. Depending on how long you have known me, how long it has been since you have seen me, or how long you have been reading about my journey will determine how much you know about where this all started. I want to encourage those of you who are new to my blog to go to the archives and read some of the earlier entries for some perspective, but for now I will do my best. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago I came across a picture of myself that I did not know at the time, but later I would come to know as the catalyst towards my health and weight loss journey. With no gastric bypass or other weight loss surgery I set out to get myself out of this situation which I had clearly gotten myself into………… One step at a time I am managing to take the weight off, my most recent experience was having some loose skin removed that I have been carrying around as a result of this weight loss.

To this point I have lost approximately 200+ lbs. which you can imagine has created some interesting or better said challenging body issues for me. When I say body issues I am talking about more then your typical body image issues that we all face and more specifically the literal physical issues my body has been dealing with as a result of carrying a large amount of loose skin. I could spend a whole lot of time talking about the plethora of special and unique issues that I have been dealing with surrounding this loose skin, however the easiest way to explain it is for you to take a moment to do a mini visualization with me…….. Ready…….. Imagine you are getting ready for your day, you are getting dressed and the first thing I want you to put on is the extra large “fanny pack”. Put it on in front, around your waist so that it hangs below your waist as designed. Now load it up with THIRTY POUNDS of rice (for perspective those are 20 lb. bags of rice).

Now dress yourself putting the clothes over the fanny pack. How do your clothes fit? How is your back feeling? Is walking, or for that matter even sitting comfortable? Can you reach around that fanny pack to put your shoes and socks on? Is that fanny pack getting in the way of you driving? Sitting in chairs? In booths at a restaurant? Fitting in public restrooms? I could go on and on with possible issues you will face while having this 30 lbs. of rice in your fanny pack but I will stop here, you are getting the idea, the images…….. So as you visualize this feat, how are you feeling? Frustrated? Angry or Irritated? Happy as a clam? (Doubt that one) O.K. SO now you have been on a mini visualization with me……. I am now going to wave my magic wand…..

PrestO, ChangeO your thirty pounds of rice are gone! (I always wanted to be a magician!) I am sure you can imagine that while very positive and glad to get rid of that fanny pack there are now some new adjustments to make and get use to! This part has been so interesting. I find myself doing things in a way I no longer have to, but based on 20+ years of history accommodating the weight, doing things a certain way, it literally is “What I know”. For example I am use to bracing myself as I approach any chair, or I have to stand a certain distance from every counter top when I do dishes or brush my teeth, because I have that excess in the way………….. So now I keep observing myself standing further away from counters then needed and bending way over unnecessarily, just because it is what I have done for so long and I am not yet use to my new body. Weird huh? It has been interesting….. Oh and most amusing has been while showering, reaching for my belly button to clean it out and not finding it! LOL Yep I have done that more then once! Anyway, so that is sort of what is going on for me at this point as I continue to heal and adjust to this new body. OH I forgot to mention something I found very exciting….. I discovered something I had never seen before….. Wait for it….. Wait……… I HAVE A LAP! Yes I have a lap, bet you never thought about that… I have not had a lap for years because that space was taken up by skin! Needless to say this is fun, so do not be surprised if I ask you to sit on my lap next time I see you! And if I don’t , well feel free to ask me if you can and I will include a free Big Hug! So that is it for this entry, again please feel free to ask questions and leave comments, include your name please so I can get back to you. Thanks

NOTE: Below is a entry I complted a while ago but I was having issues with the site so I was unable to post. So it is old but part of the process, new one coming soon.Thanks, K

2/18/2012 blog OY VEY, Postponed! SO…….. I got a call from my Doctors office letting me know my surgery date has been postponed, ugh. (FYI , new date 3-20-2012) Seems I am on the roller coaster again, been here before! So at first it felt like this whole surgery thing was happening so fast, no time to worry or fret, which I was actually grateful for. I had just enough time to get my plans in place and deal with feelings around having to ask for help and allowing people to participate in my recovery, Trusting others, being vulnerable…… You know all that stuff I love and do so well…..NOT. Anyway, dealing with all that did not allow for my mind to wonder too much about the actual surgery, it also forced me to quickly manage the uncomfortable feelings I mentioned above. But Now…….. Now I find I am having to sit with a little anxiety around what if’s……. and the simple thought of “What will it physically feel like?”, “What will I look like?”, “How will clothes fit?”, “How will it change what I can do?” I can go on and on but you get the idea. However I find I am feeling more like whatever will be will be and thus I end up back with the anxiety of trusting others with my vulnerable state of being. So now on top of facing those fears and feelings I now am looking at the “You’re deserving and worthy” issues. While I know this in my head the idea of having to ask those who have so graciously offered their help, to now rearrange their schedules due to the postponed surgery date, just feels like asking for too much. I say feels because again I “know” (and have been told by these gracious folks) that is ReDonkUlous (yes I said redonkulous!J ). Redonkulous or not feelings are what they are! So I sit with them and work on moving the “knowing” down about 12 inches to my heart so I can feel it…… It is coming along! J So I am embracing my current cocoon and looking forward to breaking out, opening my wings and setting out to soar to new and exciting places! Look out world this Butterfly is about to set itself free! Thanks to all who have been so graciously offering their help and support, it is often unfathomable to me how blessed I am.