Safety?

So this entry may jump around a bit as I have not thought it through at all and am merely writing from my current uneasy state. So it will also be far more emotional and less reality based. It will serve as more of a "process" for me then a insightful sharing experience for others........ SO here I go...... Totally finding myself a bundle of mixed emotions. I would not have thought this recent event would hit me so hard that I feel as though I am back at square one in some regards. The event I am referring to is My gym is closing at the end of the month. Now I am sure that sounds like no big deal to most, especially since those of us with contract have been offered another gym to go to until our contracts expire, a much nicer more expensive one at that! However this has really brought up so many old feelings I have found myself shocked by it all frankly. Even as I write this I find myself getting so sad. Some of the old insecurities are flaring up. Many of the hurdles I managed to work through are back and seem larger then ever because I have already been down this road. It was so hard to get myself to go inside a gym, let alone sign up and stick with it. Some of you may remember from earlier entries I wrote about this process. Well I feel like I am having to go through it all over again. See the gym I belong to is very "Ghetto" (and I say that in a good way) It is not a fancy, not a place people go to "hook up", not a place muscle boys or barbie dolls go...... It is a gym filled with normal everyday people, your neighbor, your coworker, average Joe's. It is a very relaxed place... I mean they have beer on tap that you can buy.... no fruit smoothies or wheat grass or carrot juice....BEER they sell Beer.... That's the kind of place it is.... Beer and 70's wall carpet decor. Needless to say it did not take me too long to feel comfortable going there. It was a process but not as much related to how I was feeling in the environment but more about how different it was for me to go to the gym. NOW.... I am at a point where going to the gym is just a part of who I am , or at least it was until I found out the gym was closing. So now I find myself going to that ugly place of feeling like I can never belong or fit in at any other gym, let alone the one that has bought the remaining months of our memberships. The "new" gym is the total opposite of the current one. By far the most expensive, fancy, snooty, competitive gym in town. I mean this damn place has a butterfly atrium. What the heck does that have to do with fitness? (other then I am turning into a butterfly! LOL that just came to me) Anyway............. So as I am in the process of sorting through these heavy (pun intended) feelings, I am realizing a huge part of this is I am losing one of my very few safe places. Safety can come in many forms, a seat belt, fireman, home, friend many things. For me I find there are not many Places I feel safe. I do have some great friends I consider safe people to be with but not many "safe" places. As a "Person of size" (barf! one of those ridiculous politically correct terms i have heard.... makes me laugh... I am fat people... say it... FAT! ) Anyway... I always have had to think about environments, who will be there, what is the space like, will I be accepted or judged, will I fit in (literally) , will it be physically comfortable etc........... Well this gym I am losing is a safe place for me on all of those levels. I don;t feel judged, I trust the equipment, I am comfortable n the environment. I have been able to not only create this great safe place but have been surrounded by great people who care about me.... not just my weight but me, me as a person. I think I felt seen for who I am and not how I look, how much I can do for them, how much I weigh or anything else..... just me. That is such a nice thing for someone of my size because whether we want to admit it or not..... people judge. One of the quickest things to judge is our appearance. One of the most acceptable judgements based on appearance is weight. If someone is funny looking or has a wart on their nose or a mole in a weird place we will judge them in our minds or to our friends but we rarely are openly vocal about it..... however with weight you will hear people all the time throw their judgements around (not even trying to be subtle about it either)...... "must be lazy, must eat horrible and way too much", etc.... but worst of all is how people LOOK at you.... being looked at with disgust or disdain is brutal, painful and scaring. Yet people do it ALL the time. This is truly one of the hardest things ever! So..... I think having to deal with that, after bypassing that at my current gym, clearly has me upset and freaking out. So I will miss my safe place at NVAC and I will try to work up some strength to face ( or ignore) those looks. I know in my logical state of mind this is all silliness, but again as I said at the start.... I am not currently in my logical mind........ I am in my feeling heart and it is sad and painful! UGH! Anyway... I better stop here for now but clearly this chapter is not done.... Damn old feelings resurfacing... just when you thought you were over something ....SLAP..... right in the kisser!

Numbers Hysteria

So I have always had a love / hate relationship with numbers, mostly hate. In school I was never a huge fan of math. In my family I was out numbered, the only girl with three brothers. Don't get me started about grades.... no points (numbers) for creativity or cuteness! LOL Anyway, most of it went away over the years and I haven't had to think about numbers much until I started this journey. While I obviously was obese I never even thought in terms of numbers when considering my weight or health. (probably part of the problem) So now I find myself having to deal with numbers everywhere, everyday, in so many different ways. It's not just about the number of pounds, but the number of calories, protein, times of day I eat, carbs, fat , the list goes on and on............ For the most part I have been adjusting to dealing with numbers in a variety of ways, trying to retrain myself to being mindful about the numbers, reading them , writing them down, overall paying attention and trying to see them in a positive and motivating way. It hasn't been easy but I have learned a lot of different ways in which I can appreciate numbers and how they can work for me. A few times I have even found myself excited and pleased with the idea of deepening my relationship with numbers. So overall as I move on through this journey my relationship with numbers has been becoming more positive and encouraging in many ways......... UNTIL IT WASN'T!!!!!!!!!!! So my most recent dealings with numbers has not been fun at all. While logically I know this will pass and I will get back to my positive relationship with numbers, it doesn't change my feelings about this recent experience which has been painful, hard, confusing and even discouraging. This recent experience has to be framed in context... So keep in mind that the first 8 or so months of this journey with the Doctor the numbers have been great..... all of them going down where they should, weight, blood pressure, calorie intake etc. , and going up where they should as well.... Exercise, protein, energy etc. The last few months I have been struggling a bit with the numbers as they have plateaued dramatically compared to the previous months. Now I know this is normal (whatever that means) so I have really tried not to let it affect my new found more positive relationship with numbers, however this last month nearly pushed me over the edge and has tested my last nerve when it comes to those damn numbers. At last months Doctors appointment I had NO loss at all, UGH! So we discuss making some changes as to shake up my metabolism. I take notes of the adjustments, which of course involved a change in some numbers, and commit to the new plan. Since we were trying something different and hoping to "surprise" my metabolism into working harder again, they asked me to come weigh in after two weeks. So I left and unfortunately got sick right after this and so needless to say I was all out of whack, not eating on the plan, not exercising , on medication, sick , sick , sick..... fairly sick for two weeks. (by the way I am never sick like this) O.K. So since I was sick and my health plan was not on track for two weeks I thought to myself why go in and weigh, but then I realized I actually should so I have a clear start point from which the changes were put in place. So I go and weigh in ..... Well I was down 2 lbs. , yeah! Not a fun or healthy way to go down but hey I will take it! So my next visit to the Doctor is an actual appointment to see how the changes are working and see if the metabolism has been "surprised" into working harder. So we do he weigh in and (drum roll.........) I went UP 2 Freaking LBS. ! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! In retrospect this was an interesting emotional learning experience. Almost instantly I was overwhelmed and depressed by these dang numbers and all the hard work of accepting that numbers can be positive, went right down the drain. I felt such a array of things because of this tiny increase, (which really was a wash since I lost 2 lbs. while sick). I felt like a failure, I felt angry, betrayed, depressed, confused, lost and more that I can't even find words for.......... This was again a new experience for me as in the past I never gave in thought or attention to "My numbers". I really left discouraged and mad...... Not knowing what to do about these feelings I did the most destructive thing I could, went straight from my appointment to Jack-in -the-box (not something I usually or ever have really done). I thought well I gained 2 lbs. and did everything right for the past two weeks so I am going to "earn" those pounds and do something that would at least make sense out of it all..... or so I thought at the time while in my obvious confused and despaired state. I know there is no logic in this thinking and that was what was so interesting about this process in retrospect. So following this I did lots of introspective thinking and worked on changing my perspective and getting back to a realistic relationship with the numbers. While it has not been easy I have learned much. Part of my strong reaction, I believe, is that for the first time in close to 5 years the scale went UP and not down.... big blow to my psyche! Also I have been so focused on health and not numbers that when faced with "negative" numbers I lost my focus. I forgot how far I have come, I forgot the total picture, I forgot to take in to consideration the circumstances (being sick for 2 weeks), I had temporarily lost myself. I am glad to report I am back! I have gained some healthy perspective and set aside the negative rebellious behavior, stopped thinking in a self sabotaging way and am focused again on the health, long term goal and reasons for this journey. That being said I also wanted to remind myself of the positive numbers. They way the numbers have motivated, encouraged and moved me forward. So that is my Numbers Hysteria..... Now I will share with you a few positive numbers from my journey, in hopes to encourage others and remind myself of the good that can come from a relationship with numbers. 5+ years = 150 - 200 lbs down 1 year w/Doctor = 80 of those lbs. down 5+ years = 25+ inches off my waist ( I KNOW ... over 2 feet!) 0 to 4/5 times a week working out at Gym Blood pressure numbers down and normal for 1+ yrs. Number of stores I can walk into and buy clothes from....(at heaviest I couldn't even buy clothes from the "plus" size stores, had to buy online) recently bought pants and tops at Walmart. (not bragging about shopping at walmart, point is I can buy things there that fit) Number of compliments :-) Number of "flirtations" :-) OH.... And let's not forget..... Number of Cute/Pretty Bras!!! :-) That's it for now.... I am sure I will have more hysteria in the future with my relationship to numbers but hopefully it will play out a little differently next time! Be well and please feel free to ask questions, leave post with your name and suggest topics, just don't judge my writing skills! LOL