Strange Trip

It IS a Long Strange Trip…………I want to emphasize “IS” because it is not over. This last chapter of my journey has been a big one and a literal transformation like no other physically, but as you know if you have been with me or following my journey, this journey has been so much more. That being said I am going to focus this entry on the physical part since it is a large part of my most recent days and I am sure many are curious. So here goes…………. Depending on how long you have known me, how long it has been since you have seen me, or how long you have been reading about my journey will determine how much you know about where this all started. I want to encourage those of you who are new to my blog to go to the archives and read some of the earlier entries for some perspective, but for now I will do my best. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago I came across a picture of myself that I did not know at the time, but later I would come to know as the catalyst towards my health and weight loss journey. With no gastric bypass or other weight loss surgery I set out to get myself out of this situation which I had clearly gotten myself into………… One step at a time I am managing to take the weight off, my most recent experience was having some loose skin removed that I have been carrying around as a result of this weight loss.

To this point I have lost approximately 200+ lbs. which you can imagine has created some interesting or better said challenging body issues for me. When I say body issues I am talking about more then your typical body image issues that we all face and more specifically the literal physical issues my body has been dealing with as a result of carrying a large amount of loose skin. I could spend a whole lot of time talking about the plethora of special and unique issues that I have been dealing with surrounding this loose skin, however the easiest way to explain it is for you to take a moment to do a mini visualization with me…….. Ready…….. Imagine you are getting ready for your day, you are getting dressed and the first thing I want you to put on is the extra large “fanny pack”. Put it on in front, around your waist so that it hangs below your waist as designed. Now load it up with THIRTY POUNDS of rice (for perspective those are 20 lb. bags of rice).

Now dress yourself putting the clothes over the fanny pack. How do your clothes fit? How is your back feeling? Is walking, or for that matter even sitting comfortable? Can you reach around that fanny pack to put your shoes and socks on? Is that fanny pack getting in the way of you driving? Sitting in chairs? In booths at a restaurant? Fitting in public restrooms? I could go on and on with possible issues you will face while having this 30 lbs. of rice in your fanny pack but I will stop here, you are getting the idea, the images…….. So as you visualize this feat, how are you feeling? Frustrated? Angry or Irritated? Happy as a clam? (Doubt that one) O.K. SO now you have been on a mini visualization with me……. I am now going to wave my magic wand…..

PrestO, ChangeO your thirty pounds of rice are gone! (I always wanted to be a magician!) I am sure you can imagine that while very positive and glad to get rid of that fanny pack there are now some new adjustments to make and get use to! This part has been so interesting. I find myself doing things in a way I no longer have to, but based on 20+ years of history accommodating the weight, doing things a certain way, it literally is “What I know”. For example I am use to bracing myself as I approach any chair, or I have to stand a certain distance from every counter top when I do dishes or brush my teeth, because I have that excess in the way………….. So now I keep observing myself standing further away from counters then needed and bending way over unnecessarily, just because it is what I have done for so long and I am not yet use to my new body. Weird huh? It has been interesting….. Oh and most amusing has been while showering, reaching for my belly button to clean it out and not finding it! LOL Yep I have done that more then once! Anyway, so that is sort of what is going on for me at this point as I continue to heal and adjust to this new body. OH I forgot to mention something I found very exciting….. I discovered something I had never seen before….. Wait for it….. Wait……… I HAVE A LAP! Yes I have a lap, bet you never thought about that… I have not had a lap for years because that space was taken up by skin! Needless to say this is fun, so do not be surprised if I ask you to sit on my lap next time I see you! And if I don’t , well feel free to ask me if you can and I will include a free Big Hug! So that is it for this entry, again please feel free to ask questions and leave comments, include your name please so I can get back to you. Thanks

NOTE: Below is a entry I complted a while ago but I was having issues with the site so I was unable to post. So it is old but part of the process, new one coming soon.Thanks, K

2/18/2012 blog OY VEY, Postponed! SO…….. I got a call from my Doctors office letting me know my surgery date has been postponed, ugh. (FYI , new date 3-20-2012) Seems I am on the roller coaster again, been here before! So at first it felt like this whole surgery thing was happening so fast, no time to worry or fret, which I was actually grateful for. I had just enough time to get my plans in place and deal with feelings around having to ask for help and allowing people to participate in my recovery, Trusting others, being vulnerable…… You know all that stuff I love and do so well…..NOT. Anyway, dealing with all that did not allow for my mind to wonder too much about the actual surgery, it also forced me to quickly manage the uncomfortable feelings I mentioned above. But Now…….. Now I find I am having to sit with a little anxiety around what if’s……. and the simple thought of “What will it physically feel like?”, “What will I look like?”, “How will clothes fit?”, “How will it change what I can do?” I can go on and on but you get the idea. However I find I am feeling more like whatever will be will be and thus I end up back with the anxiety of trusting others with my vulnerable state of being. So now on top of facing those fears and feelings I now am looking at the “You’re deserving and worthy” issues. While I know this in my head the idea of having to ask those who have so graciously offered their help, to now rearrange their schedules due to the postponed surgery date, just feels like asking for too much. I say feels because again I “know” (and have been told by these gracious folks) that is ReDonkUlous (yes I said redonkulous!J ). Redonkulous or not feelings are what they are! So I sit with them and work on moving the “knowing” down about 12 inches to my heart so I can feel it…… It is coming along! J So I am embracing my current cocoon and looking forward to breaking out, opening my wings and setting out to soar to new and exciting places! Look out world this Butterfly is about to set itself free! Thanks to all who have been so graciously offering their help and support, it is often unfathomable to me how blessed I am.