Invisible?

So as I continue to peal off the layers (literally) I keep finding out more and more things about myself that somewhat surprise me, but then again ……. Not really! So you know how you hear obese people talk about feeling people treat them like they are invisible, ignoring them, walking by not making eye contact, pretending they don’t see you need a hand or they don’t hear that person degrading you. Or sometimes you might hear obese people talk about wanting to be invisible, either way I always found it so unusual. I mean really invisible? How can someone as large as me not been seen? Hello…. It’s me obese woman! Still human, drawing breath, yes fat, but still human. Well…… tonight as I was leaving the gym I had an experience that made me stop, think and really open my eyes to a whole new perspective of this concept. I had clearly hidden this different perspective deep below my surface nonchalant attitude of “It is their problem, not mine”; I talked as if I did not care. I think I convinced myself that I did not care and it was not my issue but an issue of society, the world’s acceptance of bad behavior, lack of compassion and empathy. Tonight I realized it is my problem. It is, in part, the way I carry myself, the way I view my position in this world, the way I have felt about myself, I was telling the world…… “Hey, don’t look at me, I’m invisible”, or so I wished I was at least. The situation this evening that made me start thinking about all this was one that reminded me of several other similar situations. I was leaving the gym and as I was walking out, casually glancing around the room, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone, I saw the Director from my work; I quickly looked away even though she was looking my direction. When I realized I looked away I thought to myself “That was rude, wave Hello”, so I made eye contact and waved and smiled……. Then went to my car and started thinking…… It is not the rest of the world that thinks I am invisible, I THINK I AM INVISIBLE! Or I act as if I am invisible, not wanting to be seen, trying to hide. Yet another way Fear, Vulnerability and trust rear their ugly head. If I pretend to be invisible I am not a target for judgment, ridicule or any other form of vulnerability. So it was not the world that was not seeing me or ignoring me it was me hiding from the world. I was reminded of another recent and similar event where I was sure I was invisible and as a result I was just rude. So yet again, walking out of the gym, glancing around this time I see a very handsome man running on the treadmill, he smiles and waves and I literal kept walking wondering who he was waving at because no one else was around. Obviously (in my head) he could not have been gesturing to me, I mean come on a good looking guy at the gym smiling at me….. Uh No couldn’t be. Anyway I kept walking, I get to my car and it dawns on me………….I know who that was….. I know him….. He was gesturing to me and I totally just ignored him.(not my brightest move) It was a gentleman who owns the garage where I got my oil changed. We had a nice conversation while I was there, he is a relative of a friend of mine and he even gave me the “family discount”, and I just ignored him because of my own twisted thinking and insecurities, DOH! I know crazy right? Well just so you all know I did see him again and I made sure to make eye contact, smile and wave first. So while I do think I have come a long way in this area, becoming more comfortable in my own skin, even the excess skin, (sorry couldn’t resist) I clearly still have some growing to do. I think I started to become more comfortable with being less invisible the moment I started wearing the ZEBRA jacket my friend Erin bought for me, but now I better start working on getting comfortable with being “seen” at the gym. “I am NOT Invisible!”

Save the Date!

Hi, so in the effort of working on building trust and accepting my vulnerabilities I am going to share some more information regarding my process. Some of you will already know this, some of you may have deducted this from the last entry, either way I want to make it official because in doing so it becomes a reality I have to deal with and that will allow me to work on my aversion to vulnerability as well as allow me to work on building trust with those of you reading. I have, after much effort to stall and avoid following through, scheduled my surgery. Yes it is scheduled for February 21st, Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I had NO idea when I went for my consultation that once the approval came through I would have 90 days to get it done! I guess I was hoping I could continue to talk about it and put it off a while longer, but no such luck! O.K. So now that I have a date the interesting thing is I have gone into super planner / preparer mode. Those of you, who know me well, know that I am not a planner by nature, yet my first reaction was to get planning. So again I ask myself “What’s that about?” Having never had any surgery, never been in a hospital other then to visit others, (except once at 5 yr.s old to get a cast put on) I thought I would be more concerned about the actual surgery. The couple people I told about it went right to the anxiety about surgery or perhaps fear, but I could not stop thinking about how I was going to manage after, the recovery. So what I realized (yet again) was this was on my mind because this was the part where I would have to ASK for and Allow others to help me out! WHAT?! NOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo that means being vulnerable, I thought I was handling that by going and talking to a Doctor and scheduling the surgery….. Now I have to ask others in my life for assistance! WOW, I know this keeps coming up but I had no idea how hard it was going to be to address vulnerability with those I love and care about…….. Now I would have guessed it would be more challenging to face being vulnerable with those I do not know, the Doctors, nurses and other professionals. Regardless of whom it is the theme of accepting my vulnerabilities and allowing others to assist is not going away so I press on and work on the acceptance. No use in fighting it and frankly when I take, what seems to me to be a huge risk, I continue to experience the warm loving feeling of real support. So I continue to accept my vulnerabilities and welcome the chance to grow more and more comfortable with receiving help. Thank You to all of you who have not taken my behavior personal and still remain supportive and loving offering your help in a multitude of ways. I do truly appreciate it more then I can ever express. So please send me positive thoughts on February 21st! Thanks, Kathryn