Safety?

So this entry may jump around a bit as I have not thought it through at all and am merely writing from my current uneasy state. So it will also be far more emotional and less reality based. It will serve as more of a "process" for me then a insightful sharing experience for others........ SO here I go...... Totally finding myself a bundle of mixed emotions. I would not have thought this recent event would hit me so hard that I feel as though I am back at square one in some regards. The event I am referring to is My gym is closing at the end of the month. Now I am sure that sounds like no big deal to most, especially since those of us with contract have been offered another gym to go to until our contracts expire, a much nicer more expensive one at that! However this has really brought up so many old feelings I have found myself shocked by it all frankly. Even as I write this I find myself getting so sad. Some of the old insecurities are flaring up. Many of the hurdles I managed to work through are back and seem larger then ever because I have already been down this road. It was so hard to get myself to go inside a gym, let alone sign up and stick with it. Some of you may remember from earlier entries I wrote about this process. Well I feel like I am having to go through it all over again. See the gym I belong to is very "Ghetto" (and I say that in a good way) It is not a fancy, not a place people go to "hook up", not a place muscle boys or barbie dolls go...... It is a gym filled with normal everyday people, your neighbor, your coworker, average Joe's. It is a very relaxed place... I mean they have beer on tap that you can buy.... no fruit smoothies or wheat grass or carrot juice....BEER they sell Beer.... That's the kind of place it is.... Beer and 70's wall carpet decor. Needless to say it did not take me too long to feel comfortable going there. It was a process but not as much related to how I was feeling in the environment but more about how different it was for me to go to the gym. NOW.... I am at a point where going to the gym is just a part of who I am , or at least it was until I found out the gym was closing. So now I find myself going to that ugly place of feeling like I can never belong or fit in at any other gym, let alone the one that has bought the remaining months of our memberships. The "new" gym is the total opposite of the current one. By far the most expensive, fancy, snooty, competitive gym in town. I mean this damn place has a butterfly atrium. What the heck does that have to do with fitness? (other then I am turning into a butterfly! LOL that just came to me) Anyway............. So as I am in the process of sorting through these heavy (pun intended) feelings, I am realizing a huge part of this is I am losing one of my very few safe places. Safety can come in many forms, a seat belt, fireman, home, friend many things. For me I find there are not many Places I feel safe. I do have some great friends I consider safe people to be with but not many "safe" places. As a "Person of size" (barf! one of those ridiculous politically correct terms i have heard.... makes me laugh... I am fat people... say it... FAT! ) Anyway... I always have had to think about environments, who will be there, what is the space like, will I be accepted or judged, will I fit in (literally) , will it be physically comfortable etc........... Well this gym I am losing is a safe place for me on all of those levels. I don;t feel judged, I trust the equipment, I am comfortable n the environment. I have been able to not only create this great safe place but have been surrounded by great people who care about me.... not just my weight but me, me as a person. I think I felt seen for who I am and not how I look, how much I can do for them, how much I weigh or anything else..... just me. That is such a nice thing for someone of my size because whether we want to admit it or not..... people judge. One of the quickest things to judge is our appearance. One of the most acceptable judgements based on appearance is weight. If someone is funny looking or has a wart on their nose or a mole in a weird place we will judge them in our minds or to our friends but we rarely are openly vocal about it..... however with weight you will hear people all the time throw their judgements around (not even trying to be subtle about it either)...... "must be lazy, must eat horrible and way too much", etc.... but worst of all is how people LOOK at you.... being looked at with disgust or disdain is brutal, painful and scaring. Yet people do it ALL the time. This is truly one of the hardest things ever! So..... I think having to deal with that, after bypassing that at my current gym, clearly has me upset and freaking out. So I will miss my safe place at NVAC and I will try to work up some strength to face ( or ignore) those looks. I know in my logical state of mind this is all silliness, but again as I said at the start.... I am not currently in my logical mind........ I am in my feeling heart and it is sad and painful! UGH! Anyway... I better stop here for now but clearly this chapter is not done.... Damn old feelings resurfacing... just when you thought you were over something ....SLAP..... right in the kisser!