COMFORT?

This entry is not going to be exactly like the others where the focus is my journey, but it is about health, weight and in part my journey or process at least.

Thanks for reading.

Those of you who do not know right now in the County I live there is a huge Wild Fire that is devastating a entire town and impacting the entire County. It has been deemed the largest most devastating and deadly wild fire in the history of California since they have been keeping records. What that means is this, most devastation is equal to most destructive to building/structures, most deadly … well that is self-exploratory. Now I can go on and on about this but I don’t want to do that here. I only mention it because it brings up some things I believe are deeply related to health and weight issues.

I know for myself as I hear the number of deaths rise I just want to reach for something to eat. Yup food. How many times when stressed or sad have you just reached for the kids cookies? Or when a friend or colleague has a death you want to do something so you bake them something. When we celebrate what do we do? Bake a cake, go out to eat? As a culture we use food for so many more things than energy/fuel. I know first hand (and I know I am not alone) we use it most for COMFORT.

Now the fact that I know this and it is in my constant awareness the good news is I do not do it unconsciously anymore, like I use to or most do. I am fully aware of what I am doing. As a matter of fact my thought process generally goes something like this… “This is so sad and overwhelming, I feel like I am going to get so depressed, perhaps I will eat a piece of chocolate cake that will make me happy…… for a minute” . After that thought I have a whole new conversation with myself about the alternatives to the cake. What else can I do? Who can I talk to about these feelings? Then frankly there are times when I just throw up my hands and go for the cake, the difference is I KNOW what I am doing and it is a choice. SO often in our culture we just do things out of habit and/or unconscious robotic drive.

 

I wanted to share this because NOW during this crisis I see a ton of outreach and nurturing happening which is awesome and most of it in the form of food. I guess I really just want people to be aware that they can make healthy choices even when we are in crisis or even daily life struggles. We do not have to become victim to our old patterns and the patterns/traditions of our culture. I have said this before but it is true, Food is not the enemy. Find ways to care for yourself during the hard times and if the Cake wins at least acknowledge it and know what you are doing is a choice, a conscience choice.

This is also all applicable to the holidays as well. We all know and expect, even plan on over eating during the holidays, but again I encourage you to make a choice to do something different! Even if you choice to indulge in the special seasonal treats just do so in small portions. I have never deprived myself of anything. SO I will have treats at the holidays but again I know I am making a choice to eat something that may not be great for me but I will do it sparingly AND I usually will increase my exercise (when I have a working hip-LOL) or some positive area to balance it out.

 

Also please remember to give yourself credit for the work you have done. I often forget how far I have come on my journey and can get frustrated, which leads to this food nurturing process as well, so have your reminders of the strides you have made. My sister-in-law recently gave me a photo I had not seen before and it was so surreal , I barely recognized myself. It was a really good reminder of my journey and how far I have come, so give yourself credit and stop beating yourself up of the Cake, just be aware and move forward making better choices! Your health is in your hands! 

It has been three weeks since I added a large piece of metal to my body! Surgery was successful, my follow up appointment which included an X-ray was two weeks after and I am happy to say the Surgeons P.A. is still in agrees that I am a Medical Unicorn! I was able to go to the appointment just using the cane and not the walker. I am off the walker totally and have been for some time. I am off the pain medication with the exception of taking it at night before bed, but have started lowering the amount even at night. I had physical therapy at home just 5 times and she too was pleased with my progress, and told me I was a “easy” patient, and I clearly would heal well because I was cooperative!

 

The main question I get besides the vague “how are you doing?”, is how is the pain. I am learning about pain, it is so different and all about perspective. First I honestly believe pain is completely individual and varies from person to person. I would never and will never compare my experience of pain with anyone else, that being said I will share my experience. The pain now is so VERY different from what it was in both how the pain feels and the intensity of it. Prior to surgery the pain was sporadic, coming and going with certain movements/actions and extremely sharp to the point of often causing a stream of profanity. It also was very limiting in that it prevented me from doing certain things, and it created this deep fear in me as well. I was fearful of doing anything because I did not want to feel that sharp deep pain. I think post surgery this is one of the things I am realizing that I did not figure out or put together prior to the surgery, I was really living in fear. The fear of that pain was both physically and emotionally paralyzing.

Thinking about this had me realizing how much pain can control our lives, not only physically but emotionally. It also made me think about how much worse or better I might be able to make my physical pain if I deal with it emotionally in a different way. What I mean is IF I was not so fearful of this pain, so much that I was adjusting my life physically to avoid it, could my actual experience of the pain have been different. All I know is I do believe what I think affects how I feel so I am now aware that I want to keep this in mind in relation to my pain as well. With this in mind back to the question “how is my pain?”, it is so different I can’t even compare it to the pain prior. It is there, it is constant but dull and more of a discomfort than pain and most importantly my perspective has changed. Emotionally I feel so free and am so grateful for my life that the pain is so insignificant. It isn’t that it doesn’t exist, it is that I am not giving it any power to control my life. I press forward, and focus on how grateful I am for being on the other side of this surgery and healing. I am blessed to have so many caring professionals, family members and friends that nothing else seems important.

This is another thing I am realizing in this process but will save for another entry, I am VERY blessed and well loved. For now, Thank You to all the family and friends for all the support, I am appreciative beyond words and will write more on this later.

For now I wanted to give you a update and touch on the pain issue. Thanks for reading and please feel free to ask questions and leave comments. 

Hip replacement humor:

Save the Date

After three years of dealing with this bum hip I have a date! I have completed ALL of the pre-op test, pokes and scans, with flying colors of course! Got the “class” done , so I have an idea of what to expect. I plan on meeting with a HR person this week  to make sure I got all my paperwork in order.

SO all that is left is to do a little prep around the house and load up fridge and then it is GO TIME!

 

People keep asking me if I am scared or nervous, I could not be more ready for anything in my life. I am so ready and not anxious that I would even say I am excited! I can already picture myself riding a bike, walking without looking for the next spot to sit and rest, even just going down town to farmers market and not have to worry about how long I will be gone or how far away I have to park.

I think maybe people do not realize that I not only am getting a new hip but a new lease on life. Between the weight loss and the new hip I literally will be able to change how I view nearly everything. There are so many things you have to think about when you have weight issues or a bum hip or really any sort of medical limitation. NO decision is a simple one.

I am excited to be able to be spontaneous and adventurous!

I know that it will take some time and I am pretty sure I know myself well enough that I will need reminders that I need to fully heal and rushing it is not in my best interest, so those of you near by who will hopefully come visit me so I don’t go stir crazy, Please feel free to remind me if I seem to be rushing my healing, I don’t want to mess this up because I feel better. My Surgeons assistant put it really well, when considering how long I have dealt with this bum hip I need to remember I only get ONE chance to heal from the surgery so I need to take it slow and not rush it.  

                                             

OK, SO my surgery date is the nineteenth of this month so please keep me in your thoughts and if you are local please come visit me! I look forward to getting back to the gym and uncovering a new lease on life. Thanks for all the support and encouragement. This chapter is winding down and the next one is around the corner. 

 I Am EXCITED! 

Let's Do this....

My heart is filled with excitement and relief!
My eyes filled with tears of Joy and relief!
I am grateful for Faith winning over the Frustration!
I am blessed to have such amazing support on my side.
If you haven't guessed by now or if this is your first experience with the blog let me catch you up.

Friday, July 20th I had my second appointment with the Hip Surgeon who is known for his solid cement firm boundary that he only will operate on patients with a 40 BMI or less. Those of you who know something about BMI and have been following my journey,  you know I have been stuck above that for some time now.






Let me back up a little. A few weeks ago now I had my two year bariatric follow up with my  Surgeon. (my new best friend - story to follow) At this appointment, after getting on the scale I was immediately frustrated and upset. When the Doctor came into the room and was looking at my chart he was all smiles. I did not get it. I had not lost any weight in about 6 months. I just thought to myself, well I am glad he is having a good day but I certainly am not. He looked at me and the first words out of his mouth were "Your blood work is perfect". OK, that is always good to hear so that did lift my spirits, especially since they took about 6-8 vials of blood to do every test under the sun. Anyway, it was looking up somewhat, at least I know  I am still a Medical Unicorn but why can't I get the scale to shift at all?


So after telling me how my blood work was perfect, he asked how I was feeling, now I knew he probably meant physically but my emotions were taking over... " I am frustrated" , he asked me why, because my blood work was perfect and my weight has been stable for six months and all this (in his mind) is great. So I explained to him my frustration and he actually listened. This Doctor listened and did not brush me off. He heard what I had to say about my frustration with the scale being stuck. I explained the source of my frustration was mostly because there is nothing more I can do to change what I am doing because I can not exercise due to the bum hip. He asked me who my hip surgeon was and I told him and he quickly responded with a knowing "Oh, yes... he has a very strict hard line on the BMI". I told him that is why I am frustrated. I understand I am doing well but I can not move the BMI without making some changes in my activity and I can't do that. In fact, my activity level has gotten less because the pain has gotten worse. As I was telling my story to him I could tell his wheels were turning. He was hearing me but I could tell he was thinking about solutions.
So the next thing he says is that he will have the office girls send over a referral to the hip surgeon because he knows that Doctor and he is going to call him and have a conversation with him.  He went on to say while he knows he has a hard line when it comes to the BMI he also knows he CAN make an exception. WHAT??? Did I hear that right? With some disbelief, I asked him if he was really going to talk to him and he said yes he knew him and would talk to him. This is when I announced to my Bariatric Doctor that he was my new Best Friend.













You know they say life is made up of moments, in that moment I had the biggest sense of relief, and Hope for the first time in a while. Hope for relief from pain, Hope for a flexible, mobile, exercise filled future. All that being said Hope is not enough. It was great but I still had to get an appointment and meet with the hip surgeon.
Life being what it is... (a journey often testing us).... The next week I waited in anticipation of a call to schedule an appointment to see the hip surgeon. Well, a week went by so my inner voice had to start doing some justifying of why they may not have called yet, otherwise, I might slip back into that frustration or worse depression. The next week I thought, of course, I will get a call this week, Monday- Nope, Tuesday-Nope, Wednesday-Nope, Thursday-Nope, Friday-NOPE. After the second week of no call, it was much harder not to be frustrated and depressed, let alone doubtful that it was going to happen. Then I just thought to myself I believe my bariatric Doctor will do what he said AND I believe he thinks I am ready for surgery and should be considered for an exception. SO... I email the bariatric office and just asked about the referral to see if it got sent over so I knew where the delay might be.  I was trying to stay strong and take charge. The next day I got a message from the hip surgeon's Nurse and she said my Bariatric Doctor spoke to them and asked that they see me. So I called as soon as I could, and they had one appointment 3 weeks out and then it was another several weeks before they had another opening.  I told the nurse I would take whatever she had and make the adjustment I need to anything else, this is my priority.
So I got an appointment! Met with the Doctor, had a lengthy discussion about the risk and why he is so strict about the BMI. I appreciated that he took time to explain to me the thought behind all of his decisions but as he continued I could not decide if he was warming up to another letdown or just covering his bases and educating me on the risks and why. I manage to work into the conversation that I am a Medical Unicorn and have not had any issues with the two surgeries I did have, and I have not had any of the classic health issues that accompany someone as obese as I was and still am. I was trying to reassure him I really am not as big of a risk as I may seem. He paused some then he continued discussing the reasons he does what he does but then starts to say that it did not appear I was going to fall into any of those categories but he still wanted to be sure I was aware of risk with any surgery. Now it sounds like he may make an exception.
So at this point, I am freaking out inside and just want to scream Yes or NO!
Then he asked some questions, is taking some notes and then turns to me and  says with the bariatric Doctors recommendation, report on my success with the program, and he can see I have done everything I can AND.... maybe I am the Medical Unicorn I say I am (we chuckled), he is going to make an exception for me.
 HIP HIP HOORAY! (pun intended)

He then quickly followed that up with a seriously funny look at me and says, "You can not tell anyone I made an exception for you!" We chuckled but I knew he was serious and I half expected him to pull out a confidentiality form to sign.
That being said if you are reading this you are now also sworn to secrecy!
Now I  wait for a call from the scheduling nurse to get a date and then I think I will really believe it is going to happen.  I am hoping I do not end up waiting 2 weeks for a call to get on the schedule! NO, let me correct that... I will not wait 2 weeks to get on the schedule! LOL
It seems I am entering a new stage of this journey and I am excited.  I can not wait to join the gym again and get back into Aqua Classes! I can not wait to get a bike, and not worry about how far something is if I have to walk and be able to sleep without pain.
 I am really looking forward to this next chapter!

Frustration vs. Faith

My current status is the same as far as the hip surgery. Still waiting for the BMI to go down. What has changed in the last couple weeks is the hip pain has increased which makes life overall more challenging, harder to get around, sleep, cope with other life issues and even smile. I couldn't figure out why it was worse since I am already bone on bone why is the pain getting worse, then I realized the cortisone shot is wearing off. This is the downside to the cortisone shot, you forget how bad the pain is until it wears off! UGH.

All this makes my current heart (emotional) state one that is riding back and forth between Frustration and Faith OR Heavy and Light. I have the virtual Angel and Devil sitting on my shoulders whispering in my ears. I get frustrated but then remind myself how far I have come.
"You can do it" versus "Throw in the towel this is over".
Translation ... "Have some Ben and Jerrys, what can it hurt?" versus "Have a sugar free popsicle and do some stretches".

In relation to food and weight, it is so very clear to me after all these years that Frustration definitely plays out in the mindless eating of things that are not good for me while the Faith plays out in making healthy food choices. With this in my awareness, it ironically is still the same patterns and battles I fight, I just am aware of them now and they play out more honestly and in the light and not subconsciously with no awareness.
So like any addiction be it Drama, Alcohol or Food we really are never 100% free of it, we have stages and various depths to it but it will always be there, like a "Good friend" so I shall embrace it as such! It is a part of me, my journey and ultimately my truth.

So I sojourn on with my goal BMI in sight, Knowing the day will be here when I can get back in the pool doing my Aqua Aerobics, ride that bike and go on those hikes with no pain and look back on these days as just another part of my education.

I will try not to wait so long between entries next time. Thanks for stopping by be sure to ask any questions or leave comments.

Dog Days of Donuts

So today was "a day" after a long week that ended in what could only be identified as a Donut devastation disaster! BUT... It is what it is, and tomorrow is a new day... THAT is the saving grace!
I am not sure why we insist on beating ourselves up when we make mistakes or make poor choices, but we do. We really need to stop that.
SO this week has been a very busy and intense week with more than the usual crisis of an extreme measure at work. It is a given that you are going to deal with crisis as a Social Worker but some days/weeks are more intense than others and those are the times my old habits rear their ugly heads and challenge me to stick with new/healthier choices.... but alas occasionally the old ones win.
So on top of the work stress, my sleep has not been great this week either. Still dealing with hip pain at night waking me up, and disrupting my sleep. This combination is just a  piece of chocolate cake in the making.
So about halfway through the week, I am noticing the stress creeping up and my craves rising. I was even talking them out with a friend, listing the things I was craving, chocolate cake, milkshake, etc. Even as I was talking I was hearing myself and realizing these aren't actual cravings but more my emotional band-aids or more directly put... MY OLD BEHAVIORS. It is so interesting after all these years how automatic it is to resort to old behaviors.
My food cravings are not food cravings at all but comfort cravings.
So today after a very emotionally draining crisis at work (after the already rough week) on my way home I promptly went to Krispy Kream and got a donut. Yup, the old behavior won in that moment, but I knew what I was doing.  I knew that while it won this time, it would not win again tomorrow.I knew that it likely would win again but not on a daily basis as in the past when it was not in my awareness but just automatic behavior! I will never again be unaware of the process and what it is I am doing. I will never again think for a second that that donut or chocolate cake will fix things or make me feel better about anything other than a brief moment.  So when I do make a choice to resort to old coping behaviors I also know I am making a choice. I am not a victim, I am a result of my choices. Moving forward I will continue to work on building up my healthy behavior toolbox so I can make better choices and have more options. One choice I am constantly working on is being real and vulnerable so that others can see they are not alone and we are not all that different. We all have old behaviors and patterns in place that need work refining or improving but that is the very definition of life, right? SO onward and upwards, learning and growing as the journey continues.


Please feel free to leave a comment, you can do it anonymously and you won't have to have a google account, but if you do please leave your name in the body of the comment. Thanks