So I sit here.... pensive.... frustrated..... sad... yet grateful.
So I had a follow up appointment with Anna (Nurse Practitioner) a couple weeks ago, and started to write about my current status and experience and I got a couple lines down and couldn't do it. I was more than frustrated this time after my appointment.
I was mad, depressed and extremely disappointed.
It has been three or four months since my last appointment, even back then I was feeling frustrated having hit the inevitable plateau but now for the second time in over ten years the scale went UP. F*CK !
I was afraid of this... Not being able to exercise and hitting the plateau , I was afraid this would happen. After all this time I do know what my body does and how to work with it, but my limitations are getting in the way. In the past it was easy to adjust my workouts or adjust my food/calorie intake some, but now I can do neither. Feeling despair. Then as I listen and watch Anna's reaction she doesn't seem worried, in fact she says to me I think you are not eating enough. Now I had heard this before but I know how and what to eat so I think to myself I understand how that happens but I think I am eating enough. Then thoughts of the previous appointment fly by and I think last time the focus was on getting more water.
It is always something.
Not enough water, not enough food, not enough exercise.... How am I to feel ok about myself when every corner I turn I hear (inside voice) "You are not enough" !
Now logically I know I am enough (most times I know it) but when continually faced with MORE to do , eat, say, feel whatever, you can't help but to feel like "Less" or "Not enough" .
For me I realized, I am smart enough to know those voices/messages are pure...B*ll Sh*T !
I AM ENOUGH!
Not only am I enough but I am a Fricken Unicorn!
Why do we let the struggle take so much of our power? Why instead of beating myself up over and over again don't I look at how far I have come? Look at what I have accomplished? Why do we so quickly jump to the negative and allow it to drag us down?
OH.... because we are human!
That's right, unfortunately it takes work to be positive. It takes effort to stay on track and not give in to those voices telling you your not enough. It is not easy and anyone who tells you it is ... well they are not being honest. It is hard work! I know some make it look easy but trust me they work at it too!
I would rather put in hard work to benefit from the pay off.
What is that pay off you ask? Well for each of us I suppose it is different. So I will only speak for myself....
For me the pay off of hard work, keeping life and my journey in perspective, means the majority of life is Pleasurable, Joyful, Enjoyable, and Loving.
SO ... I won't throw in the towel over a increase of numbers on the scale for only the second time in over ten years. I will use it as motivation to figure out how to change it. I will access the support around me to keep moving forward.
Above all I will be HONEST with myself and allow the occasional sadness and even despair to rise up and smack me in the face, but only for a moment.
I will not LIVE in the sadness or despair, I choose to live in the Joy!
What choice will you make?
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