NUMBERS - AN EMOTIONAL RIDE

While this journey is a lot of things, and each of us has our own individual path there is one thing no one can deny that we all have in common and that is this, It is a emotional journey. So those of you who have ever struggled with any level of weight issues, be it 5 lbs or 105 lbs the emotional journey is the same, a roller coaster. It is always interesting (and annoying) to me how a few simple numbers can make or break a person's spirit. One day the numbers are down, yeah celebrate, feeling good, the sun is shining , Life is good. A day, two days maybe a week later, the numbers are up, the internal critic starts in with all the usual degrading messages, the day seems bleak, sadness or melancholy sets in, ALL effort is for naught.

I know many of you know exactly what I am talking about but indulge me while I share my experience today or more accurately, my process.

First please excuse my writing/grammar as I continue, and fasten your seatbelts because I am going to share what was going on in my mind today (It is scary , you have been warned).

So I had a appointment with NVSA (North Valley Surgical Associates) and as usual I am feeling pretty good, looking forward to seeing all the beautiful, kind smiling faces in the office. Of course the first thing we do is go to the scale (insert daunting music here). So the lovely woman weighing me of course has no reaction she just writes down a number. We go to a room and I ask, because I did not catch where it landed between the teetering two numbers, she tells me and I say so what does that make the total? (NOW.. quick little detour here , I had a Doctors appointment with my primary care Doctor just about a week ago and so I had the number 59 in my mind from that appointment , ok back to today.)

So she tells me 56lbs down ....

So the 15 or so steps from the scale to the room, the following went through my mind...

- 56 lbs? WHAT? How can that be ?

-They told me just last week a number and the total was 59lbs!?

- What did I do to gain 3lbs in a week?

-Maybe the scales are just off a little, I am sure each scale is different

-Of course the scales are different, one is the standard classic weigh balanced scale the other is digital, so it must be that...

-Why is it not down any in a week?

-What have I done "wrong" ?

-Maybe it is the heat, I do retain more water in this level of heat?

-I need to be exercising

-I am a failure

-I will never get this weight off

-Why bother?

                                                 -Who am I fooling?

WOW, YES all those thoughts in a short 15 steps to the room. Thankfully those thoughts temporarily subsided while I had a pleasant conversation with Kristin about many things far more interesting than my "numbers" dilemma . As I was leaving I got loaded up with samples and even got 2 tasty treats to try before purchasing anything. Not only that but two other gifts, a protein drink shaker and a reusable grocery bag to carry my stuff home in, I love this place! So my mind has a brief respite from the crazy I submit myself to over simple small numbers, however as soon as I leave and get to my car...  it is back on.

I get in my car to drive home and the negative, self deprecating messages resume and are quickly followed by those thoughts  that tell me "screw it, might as well just get a real milkshake and forget about the stupid protein shakes". (You are all nodding your head right now aren't you?!)

Thankfully I have been on this journey long enough I recognize this particular ride and I remind myself it is just a rollercoaster and I can get off, so I do. My turn around time with this process has gotten much shorter. Yes, I still engage in the crazy, but I snap out of it quicker now and as time goes on each time the turnaround gets a little faster and the whole process a little less intense.

So for the record, I did not get a real milkshake and of course went home and had a protein shake. I also stopped and put into perspective the whole numbers issue... 56lbs in three months is nothing to be ashamed of and trying to figure out why the two numbers were different , higher, lower whatever is missing the big picture and minimizing a more important fact...

I AM DOWN (according to the NVSA scale, LOL) FIFTY SIX POUNDS IN THREE MONTHS!

So I am choosing now to focus on the things I need to do differently and the fact that I am heading in the right direction with the help of some amazing people and support from amazing friends and family. I am Blessed!

SO to wrap it up, PLEASE if you have ever gotten all crazy over your numbers, let this be a reminder to you that we all do it and it is nonsense, you are not alone and there is no shame is sharing your process with other, in fact it is liberating and it puts in place some great accountability and support. Please be kind to yourself AND if you are one of the few who has not ever dealt with this struggle you definitely know someone who has, so hopefully now you understand a little better just how cruel we actually are to ourselves, how much we torture ourselves, so please be patient and love us through it.

Just want to Thank all my Friends, Family and Medical team for all the patience and support.

Please let me know you visited and share your story with me or ask any questions, Thanks.

Adjustments

As I sit here thinking about how quickly things can, and often do, change it makes me appreciate each moment because it is likely to different as I move to the next moment. This journey is nothing if not a constant learning experience. What is interesting to me is how those around me react / respond to the changes that are happening on my journey.
I have learn that with every change  I have to adjust to , there is a equal adjustment that has to be made for those in my life. So as things shift, change and rearrange I continue to try and explain what is going on for those who are either curious or concerned. It is important to me that people feel comfortable asking questions so they do not have to guess or wonder what it is like, what to do or say, or how to respond etc.

Some  interesting things that have been happening  are the variety of reactions to my quick weight loss. It has been different than in the past several years because my weight loss prior to the sleeve surgery was so slow,  people had time to adjust to my physical changes slowly. It really wasn't until the skin removal surgery that others really commented.  Now with the sleeve the weight is coming off much faster and people are noticing and the reactions have been so varied and interesting.
Some have come to me with great concern, "Is this healthy?" , "Are you o.k.?", "Is it normal to loose so much so quickly?", "Do you think you are loosing too much too quick?". So some  just do not understand and others actually have judgments based on their belief that it is not a healthy/natural way to manage weight issues. There is an occasional jealous remark, in jest of course but we know what they say about jest, "There is truth in Jest". There are those who spent the majority of our social interactions around food, going out to eat and such, so now that we are not eating together they do not know exactly how to connect or spend time with me.
So everyone around me has their own path/ journey to face if they choose to come along with me on this crazy trip. Some have chosen to stumble along side of me others to step back and withdrawal . The last choice is always confusing to me but it is one some choose.
I primarily wanted to bring this up so that anyone reading this can know I am totally O.K. with and and all questions. If you are curious about taking me along with the gang to brunch or lunch or a night out, just ask, we will figure it out together and learn the layout of the new ground together. I too am figuring out how to adjust to the changes and if there is anything I know it is there is no one answer to any situation.
So bring on the changes and let the adjusting begin!

Two Month Follow Up

HI, everyone and Happy Fourth Of July! I hope that you are all Celebrating all the great things you have in your life including your Independence.
So I wanted to let everyone know where I am at and what has been happening. So it has been just over 2 months since I had the surgery and so far everything has been going great. I made it through the liquid part just fine, no issues. Then did the "puree" stage, which took a little getting use to, mostly because there are not that many foods that are pureed or that you can imagine being pureed, so that stage took a lot more effort to commit to and to be creative with. Those of you who know me well know that when it comes to creativity and food I have ZERO skills! That being said I of course figured it out with a little help from my friends! I stuck to mostly soups and chili pureed, Thank goodness for a variety of soup and friends who brought me some!
SO my current food stage and the longest one until no limitations, I am in the soft food stage. So this is much easier because basically if it is soft I can eat it. So no raw veggies, no crunchy/sharp foods, which are usually not great for you anyway, you know those carbs...... Chips, crackers, pretzels etc....
SO I am settling in comfortably with the soft foods. I have eaten out a couple times and it was fine. It actually was nice because I am taking in so little I can just eat off my friends plates! hehehehe
So I have been learning to adjust to my new stomach, and while I have not had any of the issues many other have I am trying to figure out the sweet spot with portion size. I have done pretty good but am learning that some foods are more dense than others so they fill me up faster and some foods sustain me longer than others, so it is really about me learning / educating myself by listening to my body. It is interesting to me that 99% of the time it comes back to listening to our bodies. So I am listening, figuring out I need to slow down my eating and drinking. I have been full a couple times and it happens fast so I am working on slowing down. I have never once been hungry , but as we all know that doesn't mean cravings and urges go away because they are almost always emotional. So I also continue to pay attention to cravings and asking what am I trying to avoid? What am I stressed about?  Or why am I needing nurturing or comfort ?
All the things we use food for that really isn't it's job!
So all in all things with the surgery and my process has been great, my 2 month appointment I did weigh in and well..... I am a unicorn! Drum Roll please.........................


YUP , I am down 46 Pounds. I am sure it is going to slow down but what a great start! I can not wait until I can actually start exercising.
Speaking of exercise, as I have mentioned in previous entries I have not been able to exercise due to my Hip pain. I am pursuing information on when I will be able to get the hip replaced, as it is just getting worse, so my hope is I can get it done soon. So I would like to request that whatever it is you do when you are requesting the assistance of your higher power, prayer, meditation, mantra, request to universe, sing, dance use your jazz hands! Whatever you do Please send me your positive thoughts , and prayers and energy, as I am really needing to get this hip replaced as soon as possible, it is quickly becoming unbearable. So Thank You for your support and positive thoughts, I appreciate them all!
I will let you know how things are going..... If you have any questions feel free to ask and please leave a comment just simply letting me know you were here. Thanks Again!


With Love and Appreciation , Kathryn