Pre-Op Triggers and Tribulations

So what an interesting week it has been. So many things, liquid diet, appointments , triggers, all steps moving forward. So where to begin…. How about the liquid diet. So 10 days prior to surgery you have to be on a all liquid diet. For most this is a big adjustment, but I have done this before when I did my jump start program a few years back , plus those of you who know me I would always choose a drink over eating anyway, NO I am not talking a alcoholic drink! If I could all my nutrition from drinks I would….. I am not a fan of grocery shopping, cooking any of that process, so give me a protein drink any day. SO I was not concerned at all about this 10 days….. HOWEVER…. What was interesting is it has been sometime since I have had to have serious restrictions that led me into needing to  pay attention to my process and eating triggers. SO I was doing great not hungry , no desire to “chew” I was sailing….. And then the stress began to escalate.
Those of you who may not know I am a Social Worker by trade so this obviously means I deal with a lot of tragic situations, Domestic Violence, Substance Abuse all that stuff most of us try to avoid dealing with because it is so difficult and out right ugly.
Anyway, I was dealing with a unusually stressful emergent complex situation, which I do regularly, but not regularly while on a liquid diet! You all see where this is going……….. LOL! So I was sailing along then this hits…….. At days end I am walking to my car to head home and all I could think was “I WANT A CHEESEBURGER!” …..
”I NEED A CHEESEBURGER!”
No sooner than having that thought my next thought was …..
 “AND there it is !”
It is not the food, it is the need for comfort after a stressful situation and food was the comfort. So I was extremely grateful for the emotional work I have already done and the awareness of my process that is already in place as I tackle this next step in my journey because without it I think… I know , I would have had a cheeseburger!

After tackling the almighty Cheeseburger trigger I was back on track and sailing again…….. Or so I thought.
Next trigger really did not trigger a food issue for me but in the past it would have lead to Ben and Jerry’s for sure, but this time it was just interesting to observe my process and see how sensitive I still am after all these years in regards to certain topics.
I was meeting with the Doctor for my Pre-Op appointment to go over everything including all the previous test and lab work that had been done. SO as I was signing all the “If you die it’s not our fault” paperwork and one of the papers had a statement that just pushed all my buttons. I am not going to get it exact but it basically was a statement that something along these lines…. “I have been unsuccessful in losing weight (or managing my obesity) and I am seeking the help of the Doctor…..

WHAT!!???!?!?!?! I was so upset… I was again in my defense mode…. It was a emotional trigger that has been a big one for me directly related to this surgery. Seeing that statement “I have been unsuccessful…. “ just crushed me to read and hurt to have to sign a paper acknowledging that, because I have NOT been unsuccessful . I have been extremely successful. I am down somewhere in the ball park of 200LBS and while it has taken me over 7 years I have gone in the right direction all these years AND until I started having hip issues which prevented me from working out I was doing it, I was SUCCESSFUL !
So that was an interesting trigger…. Paperwork who knew! LOL Anyway, again I talked myself down and all it took was actually being honest and sharing my feelings with someone who validated my hard work and journey and yes my success.
Whew… made it through that one too!

The last one (this week) for me does not relate to weight or food, but I am sure it does for others. For me it is a larger picture about our culture and how it still views single people as second class citizens, an after thought. I know this is not intentional on anyone’s part so let me start with that… again for me it is a fact about how deeply ingrained some of our ideals are in our culture.
So as the Doctor is literally giving me the last blow by blow list of what is going to happen the conversation goes like this………..
“So the surgery takes about a hour, when it is done I will go out and talk to your family in the waiting room and then after about a hour in recovery you will go to a room and then your family will be able to come see you………..”

My first instant reaction was sadness……. Family? What family? I have no husband/partner, no kids……… There won’t be anyone in the waiting room for me.  AS he was saying it I just felt a wave of sadness, this is one of those times, one of the very rare times, I actually felt sad about being single. After I rode that wave for a brief moment I snapped out of it and thought about how many people have been supporting me, financially, emotionally, physically. I have been blessed with so many loving and kind friends that I often am overwhelmed by the love and support. I reminded my self of the Go fund me and how many jumped in to help despite their own needs. I reminded myself of my friend who is on vacation and of technology but before leaving made a point to let me know he will be thinking of me as I am in surgery! I mean how sweet and loving is that! SO I KNOW I am not alone and I also know “Family” are those who are there for you when you need them and that being said…. I have a huge family and am blessed.

So I will end on that note and save some for another time…….
Focus on your Blessings not your deficits !
I AM BLESSED!

P.S. Thank You to all who have helped with the go fund me. I still have some expenses not covered my insurance, but getting closer to getting it all covered everyday. Thanks again. Check out the Success

https://www.gofundme.com/big-blog?utm_source=internal&utm_medium=email&utm_content=cta_button&utm_campaign=upd_n

LET THE COUNT DOWN BEGIN…………

So I have a date for surgery, May 2nd ! Yup right around the corner.
I have completed and passed with flying colors all my pre-test and exams. I have just one more pre-op appointment with the Doctor and that is it! I am excited it is finally here. I have a few things left to get lined up prior to surgery but that’s just stuff I am trying to have in place to help with comfort and such.
On Friday I started the 10 day pre-op liquid diet. SO far so good. I am confident I will be fine as I have already faced and passed the ultimate temptation for me, a gathering at my Sister-in-laws house! Those of you who know my Sister - in - law  and have ever been to anything at her house, be it a birthday party or a BBQ, anything……… you know exactly what I am talking about…. SO it was my precious nieces birthday and we were just having a small family get together. Well when my Sister-in-law host anything it is as if she has a number of people she is expecting and then she adds a zero on to it and that is how much food she prepares! NO LIE… ask anyone who knows her… SO besides enormous amounts of food she is a good cook and very creative and so the food is always awesome, her party spreads are by far my most favorite of foods.
That all being said….. Saturday afternoon was this party and I had just started on Friday my 10 day liquid diet (pre-op).
Needless to say I had several conversations with myself  tht ranged from , “Oh it is one day out of 10 and it is early enough that it is no big deal , go eat be happy” to “Stay home, do not torture yourself, your not that strong”. So I had these conversations with myself back and forth and finally I thought to myself this………… “I AM STRONG, look how far I have come! Plus NOTHING is worth avoiding seeing my amazing niece and celebrating her Birthday. I promised my self I was not going to let this journey prevent me from living my life. I GOT THIS!”   SO ……… I went!
I went….. And I did not eat so much as a single M&M or bite of anything….. I conquered my Everest!
So I am confident I will do well. I am excited to get this process moving at a faster pace then it has been the past few years.

I want to again tell all of you………  I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU!
You all know who you are. You are my financial supporters, my rides, my emotional supporters, my cheerleaders, my life line. I firmly believe I could never have done this with out all of you in my corner, so THANK YOU again.
I will forever be grateful for each and every one of you.
SO Monday May 2nd, if anyone gets bored and wants to come by and say Hello, I will be at Enloe for just one overnight and I can have visitors and if your really bored or have always had a secret wish to sleep in a hospital, just let me know because apparently I can have someone spend the night and they will bring a “chairbed” in ! LOL If anyone does…. We will spend some time talking about some bigger and better wishes to add to your list!
I will also be home bound a couple weeks so please feel free to come by my house and visit as well, I am sure I will be getting bored!
I will do an update as soon as I physically can to let you all know how I am doing.
THANKS AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING